12/16/2018

Dear Friend, I am so sorry i haven't been writing to you! so much has happened! Okay! So this guy I met on tinder I had met like twice in the past 6 or 7 months, i have seen Almost every single day this week! on Saturday, December 1st, we went to the Seattle Aquarium, walked around the Pike Place Market area, we went to this shop that this fuckin crazy dude owned. I honestly think think that that dude might be my favorite person because he was like Canadian happy x 100. Crazy, Happy, And weirdly personable. He asked us where we're from and when I told him, he said "Oh we love Federal Way here!" Honey, the people who live in Federal Way don't love Federal Way. You end up in Federal Way because it's in a really convenient area for some reason. I'm trying to get out of Federal Way though because it's bougie and sad and I hate it. I wanna move back to Tacoma even though that's risky considering all the parts of Tacoma is dangerous except for 1 part of the city. And I hate a lot of people down there and going on the bus is always scary. But it's cheap, and it's home. Anyways back to the day, when we went into Pike Place Market, we went into my favorite shop, Orange Dracula, and bought a lighter with a unicorn on it. We got coffee at my favorite coffee place, Ghost Alley Espresso, then he kissed me! by the Gum Wall. it was such a cute little peck. He's so cute. Then we went to the beach and smoked a joint and then walked back to Ivar's and he bought us dinner, then he walked me to my bus stop, and on our way we took a break on a bench and started making out and Oh my God it was amazing. I had never been kissed like that before in my LIFE! my lips were still tingling an hour afterward. I saw him again that Tuesday, Friday, Sunday, Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. We made our relationship official on Monday, December 12th, his name is Noah, and honestly I'm so happy. I think this will be something that is genuinely good for me. On more good news, I start teaching the Dear Evan Hansen classes. At my school job, we have the opportunity to go see the Broadway Musical, Dear Evan Hansen, in September! but we have to do these classes and I'M teaching them! I'm super excited! On some bad news, my boss is leaving so I'm gonna get a new boss and I'm so sad. He's genuinely one of the best people in the world and I'm gonna miss him so much. Anyways, I think thats all my news. I'm gonna go to bed now but I'll talk to you soon. Love Always, Mal

11/20/2018 10:12 AM

Dear friend, Yesterday was weird, well specifically last night was weird. Sarah and I went to our usual spot in the woods to smoke. And of course, when you're chillin in the woods, high, and in a cart, nothing good can come from that. Suddenly I had what I can only describe as the worst panic attack ever. Except I wasn't panicked. It was like I was like I was in the body of someone who was having a panic attack and I was just experiencing it. It made me very overwhelmed. And I felt like I was spinning and every time I breathed in, it just got worse and I couldn't speak or do anything except feel unstable. and then suddenly, it was like the world had stopped. In a very sudden moment, the leaves had stopped rustling. There was no slow down or anything like that. It just stopped even though the wind was still blowing just as it had been. And it had been suddenly very, very quiet. And my panic attack thing stopped and all I could think about would all of the leaves stop rustling all at once because that doesn't just happen, especially since the wind was still going. Sarah blamed it on "good vibes" or something like that but honestly, nothing about it felt good. Oh! Also before all this happened, we were watching Netflix on my phone but when I had my panic attack, we paused it. A few minutes after the leaves stopped rustling, my phone started playing the show again and thats when I said "we're getting out of here" and that's what we did. Sarah helped me out of the cart (I'm really short and not very flexible so I need someone to stand on the cart to keep it sturdy so I can get in and get out) and we left. Because I firmly believe something malevolent was out there. Because there was no reason for any of that to happen. Either we're in a simulator, or something bad is really about to happen. Love Always, Mal

11/17/2018 6:38PM

Dear Friend,

In search of adventure, last night, my friend, Sarah and I went into the woods to smoke. Usually when we smoke we have to go to my house to get a pipe and some weed and stuff, and in my stoner stuff I have a sheet to keep our butts safe from the ground, but this time, we had everything to smoke so we didn’t have the butt sheets, so we grabbed random carts that were on the trail (a lot of homeless people live in those woods) and we literally sat in carts and smoked and it was so much fun. Sarah and I were making a lot of noise and this homeless guy came up to us because he though he and his girlfriend were the only ones in the woods so we chit chatted for a bit and he left and Sarah and I hung out a little longer until she left it was a lot of fun though. definitely an adventure though. it was a lot of fun and I hope we keep doing stuff like that.

Love always, Mal

11/16/2018 5:27 PM

Dear Friend,

Life has been feeling very boring lately. Even the most random interaction has been feeling very calculated. I can tell you what is going to happen to me everyday Monday-Friday and it’s been bothering me. I’m gonna wake up, press snooze until I have 10 minutes to get ready, rush to get ready and run to the bus, go to another bus stop, either get hit on or turn into someones counselor, go to work, leave work, go to other work, get yelled at by my boss even though I’m doing more work than everyone else??? go home, eat, watch tv for an hour or 2, sleep, repeat. that’s my whole schedule Monday-Friday. I want to do something. I want to go on an adventure. I want to go somewhere I’ve never been. Even if it’s like a new store I don’t care. I just need something new in my life. Maybe I’ll go on a date and get murdered. Death, The ultimate adventure

Love Always, Mal

11/13/2018 12:07 AM

Dear Friend,

I am writing you because I need something to feel a little less alone. I understand that I never need to feel alone because I have friends who are “always there for me” and who say I can “call anytime.” but, nobody ever actually means that, do they? What happens when it’s midnight on a Tuesday and everyone has work tomorrow because “You’re an adult now” and so now you have responsibilities and stuff. And realistically, I could just write in a diary, or journal, or whatever but I need to feel like someone may actually listen and maybe through reading this, you won’t feel so alone either. Let me tell you about myself, My name is Mal, I’m 19, I’m transgender, and I work 2 jobs and live with a family member, but still pay bills and stuff. I live in Washington state (no. not DC. STATE!), I cuss like a sailor, and I have a hard time dating and stuff because of my gender identity. I haven’t even been on a date in over a year which has been hard because I, like most humans, need affection.  So instead of actually “putting myself out there”, I just rely on my friends for whatever form of affection I can get from them. Which isn’t healthy btw. I have 2 crushes, but I probably won’t do anything about it.

Love Always, Mal