10 posts!

2024

Sometimes I feel like I put to much responsibility on tye. Lately over Christmas Eve we got una fight because I left a party in a haste. Today I was so exhausted from a social event that I just kept asking tye questions about how I was doing. Tye suggested I might be autistic and I think he was right. I really struggle in social situations, and I put way to much pressure on tye to correct me or keep me calm. I need to find my own coping skills and I need to find ways to calm myself down.

All I want this new year is for you to live it.

I saw this and thought of the people who hurt me. The ones who told me to kill myself and couldn’t see the shame and embarrassment that I faced. I still grove the life I could’ve had. If I was born male. I grive the life I could’ve had if I wasn’t impulsive and lying. There was a part of me in HS that genuinely belived I didn’t deserve to feel better.

I hate so many people. I’m mad but I still want them to be proud of me. I want to rub my success in their face in hopes one day they will see the man I’ve become.

Dear Cody

I don’t derserve this life. I fucked up being a person. I can’t function without weed to sleep and when I do have it I hurt those around me. I genuinely feel that tye deserves better. I feel that I don’t deserve to work in mental health given my history. I feel on the edge of a bridge and can’t decide to jump.

My first job was at a company that sucked and I got so mad I signed my old boss up for a bunch of annoying emails and coupons. My second job I just hated but it was in mental health. When I worked for Lake Oswego school district I just couldn’t vibe with anyone and felt so misunderstood by my coworkers and they caused me so much anxiety. I felt so triggered I put glue on the back of my hand to pick off and calm down and then the next day I was fired.

I work in mental health as a skills trainer but how can I work in mental health if I feel like this? These kids deserve better. I’ve learned so much and I wish people from my past could see it I just wish the people in my past could see the progress I’ve made.

Cody,

Alumni night is coming up and I can’t decide if I want to go. The thought of seeing your locker and the football feild makes me nauseous. I genuinely feel terrible for having a life without you.

I feel numb and lonely. I just want to watch a YouTube video but I can’t even concentrate on it. I’m just numb and sad and everything I want to do is stupid and I just wish you were here so we could go on a walk and take photos together.

Dear Cody,

I feel like I found my people today. Work is just going great and I feel wanted and needed. My team is just fantastic. I feel like I belong. I remember my mom saying one day I’ll find my tribe and just begging her when that would happen. It finally happend my team is just amazing and I feel appreciated. My boss doesn’t overwork me and sometimes even lets me leave early. I found a good job and life seems like it’s good. I feel myself looking forward to the future. All my colleagues are older and it makes me excited to go back to grad school and for some reason I’m stuck on the number 30. I’m excited to turn 30. Also new tattoo I think you’ll enjoy.

Yes like I said I would get something Jurassic park related.

Dear Cody,

This wave of sadness hit me while at work. I think about how I was in the hospital for a day because of my suicide attempt. I got the help I needed. All I did was in the brief moments between holding the bleach and staring at the little measuring cup I just said…it’s hospital time. I think of the clients I work with and the moment or point they had to get to before they realized….Holly shit I’m not okay. It’s the worst point you can reach. You just know your second away from death and you say stop. I wish you had your stop. I wish you had your Holly shit moment.

Dear Cody,

Currently writing this while at work. I’m feeling stressed and could use one of your memes and words of encouragement. I’ve been having feelings I fall more on the non binary spectrum. I don’t want to out myself as a they them. What’s great about he/him is nobody knows I’m trans. I can blend in. Maybe that’s why I waited till college to come out as trans. Now that I pass I hardly ever think about my gender. I know you came out before me so it must have been constantly on your mind. Your mom calling you stupid and “worried” what you might do to your siblings.Sometimes I wish you could’ve just lived with me the whole time through high school.

I miss you Cody and I wish you could join me. Not at work but just with life. I wish we could meet at the bar after a long week. I wish you could join me this weekend at the tattoo parlor. I’m getting a dinosaur tattoo. Yes it’s Jurassic park inspired. Life does find a way. I found my people. I found a job. I found my partner. I found that life gets better. I wish you could’ve seen that life gets better after high school. I wish you could’ve found a way🥺🥺🥺.

Dear Cody,

I miss you. I know it’s been 5 years. Yesterday I played bar trivia and I met a new group of friends. All of which were queer and non binary. They needed 2 extra people so me and tye joined in. I feel weird for making new friends. I feel guilty for making new friends. I feel like you would’ve enjoyed it. They had a music category that you would’ve crushed at. They also had a nick cage category that you would’ve found funny.

I also wanted to wish you a happy 420. I know we were to young to celebrate and I’m sober now but I’ll watch a Sifi movie in your memory. I love you and I miss you.

-Simon