started a new sketchbook

started a new sketchbook

liked this on its own

liked this on its own

they should invent a waiting that doesn’t crunch your heart like a leaf

hm okay well after gathering my thoughts my takeaway was that Peter was constantly underestimated and projected on in some way by everyone since the beginning and I like that he never fell into the usual ‘Now I Have To Prove Them Wrong’ trope, because I think he was always more sure of himself than he actually let on. It’s kind of fresh to see a character treated that way and still keep their agency and in the end using it when needed. I feel like it’s a very not in your face underdog story, obviously very much fits the title. Especially for the time period it’s set in (though it’s not like it’s still not so great for queer people now either) to me it’s about seeing a future full of repression, loneliness and anger that gay men are pressured into and rejecting that for yourself. He refused to let the life Phil ended up living (being closeted and overcompensating by being hyper masculine etc.) become his future and I think killing Phil was symbolic of not accepting that life for himself. Also visually the movie is very stunning btw lol

watched the power of the dog and now I am Thinking

watched the power of the dog and now I am Thinking

daydreaming

an uber ride wouldn’t be complete without me being nauseous in the backseat

been trying to not personal post on here much anyway but sometimes I just gotta let it out into nothing. sry if those posts are real bummers though ik it’s early but I usually end up making them around now bc I get off work and am like .. guess it’s time to go home and deal again !

I think something I’ve been struggling to grasp is the fact you could make a lot of personal progress, develop healthy habits and just generally be more caring toward yourself but you could still be unhappy with your situation/day to day etc. I’ve been feeling very unhappy lately and I always thought if I feel that way it had to be tied to dissatisfaction with myself so I’ve just been throwing a lot of, maybe the wrong type of coping skills at the mirror, hoping I will learn to feel better. But I can really say I am happy with myself and am doing great work w myself and it really is just my living situation and that I haven’t accomplished things I need to to hopefully ease some tension. A lot why I can’t really progress like I want to is conflicts that go in circles and it’s so hard to catch opportunities at the right time. It’s frustrating, and I really just want to gain some more independence and peace.

ah, yup it’s hole in my heart sunday 👍🏼

that small neurotic t boy who talks too loud and has a slight redbull addiction would do anything for u btw

saw a post earlier disagreeing with the whole ‘you can’t love someone until you love yourself’ sentiment which I also very much disagree with. I often think about how almost two years ago now it took even the potential of loving someone else for me to want to be good for him. Something about him really made me think I need to be better if I want to be with him and for the first time I had a reason to want to improve on myself and it was FOR someone else, I didn’t want my personal issues to get in the way and cause hurt. I knew I should actively work on myself, be nicer and more forgiving to myself, so I can know I could be actually present and giving to another. I’ve kinda just learned when you think about others and want to give your good to them, it makes you feel very good about yourself and I am in such a better place in so many ways bc of that. so I really do feel like that statement should be retired. There’s no one set way to grow and be, positive change can derive from anywhere.

solar eclipse 4/8/24

have spent the last week perpetually feeling like I’m missing something, or there’s something I need to do that I’m not doing, but in reality there isn’t. I find myself at random times throughout the day suddenly ‘remembering’ that I’m still waiting for something and I don’t know what it is. I’ll be living normally and then i can feel this lack of something all at once.

hwaaa hey! thanks for all the kind words on my recent drawing! I’ve had the idea in my head for weeks and finally drew it out THEN I almost didn’t post it bc I was disappointed with the final until I went back and took some stuff out. anyway very fun to see what you all think. most of all I’m glad it resonates bc in the end it communicated to myself what I wanted it to and it’s satisfying when others get it too