cursivebloodlines - Tumblr blog

help me, i'm holding on for dear life

update as of 11.02.24: even more behind on just about everything but i'm trying! if you're wondering about outstanding threads please send me an im! they're likely in my drafts and i have been chipping away at them. as always, tysm for your patience! Why does my heart cry? Feelings I can't fight! You're free to leave me but just don't deceive me. And please, believe me when I say 'I love you'penned by jade. 26. GMT/BST. Multi muse and multi verse indie and 1x1 account. semi selective and slow replies. please read guidelines before interacting! DRAFT COUNT

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cursivebloodlines · 3 hours

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finally found a link to watch mystery island lmao Elizabeth looks so pretty and I’m only 5 mins in 😂 the link I have is not the best quality but idc. but also who have I gotta commission for a gif pack because I have no access to PS anymore on this crappy Chromebook hahahah otherwise id do it myself smh

#and also trying to find a new theme and muses page #instead of doing drafts shocker #also life’s going to shit again and I feel terrible yeehaw xxx #ooc ;; Jade talks for England

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cursivebloodlines · 13 hours

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Splendidly selfish, charmingly helpless Excellent fun 'til you get to know her Then she runs like it's a race Behind her back, her best mates laughed And they nicknamed her "The Bolter"

Watching him jump then pulling him under And at first blush, this is fate When it's all roses, portrait poses Central Park Lake in tiny rowboats What a charming Saturday That's when she sees the littlest leaks Down in the floorboards And she just knows She must bolt

Started with a kiss "Oh, we must stop meeting like this" But it always ends up with a Town Car speeding Out the drive one evening Ended with the slam of a door

@cursivebloodlines

#kill me now it would hurt a lot less <3 #dougie x laurel #zoe x eric #i've been lowkey meaning to post this song for a few days and aaaaaa our minds are perfect!!!! love love loveeeee

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cursivebloodlines · 2 days

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i just don't understand how you don't miss me. - for zoe (shh don't look that I sent two)

THE TORTURED POETS DEPARTMENT - THE ANTHOLOGY BY TAYLOR SWIFT PROMPT LIST | @overnightheartbeats

“You really don’t get it, do you?” A puff of breath slipped through her lips; a watery, broken laugh followed suit. If she so much as looked at him, Zoe knew her resolve would inevitably crumble. She looked everywhere but at him. The broken clock on the wall, out of time and ticking too fast - or was that just the beat of her heart? The piece of wallpaper in the corner opposite from them looked like it was about to fall off at any moment. Almost poetic and maybe even ironic, since it mirrored exactly how she felt in that moment. Her gaze averted to the floor, but not before she stole a glance at him on her way down. The heartbroken expression in his eyes, the love she could still see that lingered beyond them. How devastatingly beautiful he was, even when he looked gutted. The painstaking reminder: she did this to him, to them.

Did he not understand how much it was killing her to be apart from him? To purposely stay away from him when all she wanted to do was to pull him in closer, hold on tight to him with iron fists and never leave. But time and time again, she had hurt him with weaponised words of venom and spiteful declarations she could not retract so easily. Eric deserved more than that, deserved someone who could give him everything with no questions asked and not simply the crumbs she was willing to give depending on the day and the situation. She supposed it didn’t help how she kept coming to him for stupid things, and they ended up in circles and circles. One step forward, then two steps back. Then two steps forward and one step back.

“I do miss you, Eric. I have missed you from the moment I left you. Even now, with you sitting here with me, I still miss you. That’s the problem.” And there it was. Raw, brutal honesty. “It’s a problem because I shouldn’t - I shouldn’t be missing you. Look at us. I did this to us.” Zoe knew she wasn’t making sense, that Eric wouldn’t understand - he never did. They had done this song and dance too many times before: all it would take is a moment, on the cusp of reigniting the flame once more but they fly too close to it. A fleeting moment of weakness for the two soon turns into a moment of regret for her, the guilt a permanent mark and it’s inevitable that she retreats, demanding and reinforcing boundaries whilst poor Eric attempted to fight for their relationship once again. If she couldn’t get past how badly she’d hurt him not once, but twice and probably more than that since she told him, ‘the more you love me, the more I hate myself’ and ‘I’m suffocating.’ Her own words haunted her, especially in the dark when she was alone again.

The way Zoe saw it, she didn’t deserve to miss him because she was the one who held the responsibility for destroying it. Trying to defend herself, she ended up attacking him and her default stance of losing her temper and saying everything in the worst way imaginable resulted in saying awful things she could not so easily take back. “I lost the right to sit around moping the moment I broke your heart.” She left out the part where she absolutely, one hundred percent did exactly that. Moping, having a rage and sobbing until she fell asleep. But that was then and this was now. It was now, she realised, that she should have merely played along with it. Act like she didn’t miss him instead of confessing. Maybe he could move on quicker that way. It would break her heart, but her heart was already far beyond broken anyway.

Having everything slip through her fingers was a familiar tale and maybe that’s why she seemed so indifferent; she had grown accustomed to life’s relentless game of losses, where each disappointment forced her to return to the start, at square one once again. Whether it was her parents’ letdowns or being screwed over by others, setbacks were her constant companion. Time and time again, she would gather the broken pieces and keep on forward, never looking back. It was second nature, muscle memory. But Eric? He defied her closed-minded processes with an undying love too strong to walk away from. He was the first person who made her feel safe. His love for her was sincere and sacred, a rarity in her world. Something that deserved nurturing, something that was worth holding on to. Despite her best efforts (‘best’ was probably an exaggeration, come to think of it) to safeguard it, she found herself inadvertently destroying the only thing she cherished. She was a tornado, chaos with every hurricane she brought and Eric was always the one trapped in the eye of it, bearing the brunt of her wreckage. How was it possible to ruin the one good thing she ever had?

“I don’t know what you want me to do. I can’t just -” Sighing in frustration, she rubbed at her temples. How could she articulate it all when she didn’t fully understand herself? “If I act like I don’t miss you for long enough, maybe one day I will actually stop…” she trailed off, hesitating as she tentatively peered into his eyes once more. And there she was, falling for him all over again with just one look. “And if I can do that,” she said, her voice wavering as she held eye contact. That felt like worlds away right now. A pause, an intake of shaky breath. “Then maybe one day, you will stop missing me, too.” Perhaps confessing her plan wasn’t the brightest idea. But when she looked at him, she couldn’t lie to him. “I know you refuse to listen when I say you deserve better but it doesn’t make it any less true. I love you and I know you love me, but we’ve seen how this ends, we’ve been here twice before. I’ll be damned before I do it to you again for the third time.” But with the words she spoke, it became apparent to Zoe that maybe she had just done exactly that. “I’m sorry, Eric. I just - I don’t know. I can’t keep doing this - we can’t keep doing this.”

#overnightheartbeats #SO UM... i'm not sure where this came from actually? i wrote this in 2 hours... i dont know what happened it sorta just did. and once again #i'm sad for them!!! when will she learn!!!!!!! (never) i'm sad and going to bed djgsldgasdg i don't know where this came from? its a mess #i'm so sorry!!!!!!#zoe x eric #muse ;; zoe lancaster #zoe lancaster ;; memes #answered memes #overnightheartbeats ;; eric

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cursivebloodlines · 2 days

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all i can say is i'm so sorry guys ;-;. literally from the moment i get home from work i feel like i have !!! no time!!!! because we do our dinner from scratch which takes time and by the time that's sorted, my programme is on. (don't judge me but i've been watching married at first sight aus and i got invested LMFAO) and then i go up to my room, planning on doing things and then just religiously watch taskmaster.

yesterday i had my tests done. my urine sample tested positive for some stuffs, so it's been sent to the lab and so i'm waiting for the blood test results and also that too. so idk if i have an underlying infection that i didn't know about on top of other health things so i am not having fun rn :) i

edit: I AM OKAY THOUGH. i think!!! so please don't be worrying :) i am alright!

haven't replied to messages properly in weeks and i'm so sorry. on the bright side, my MAFSAU is finishing tonight???? i think??? hopefully so maybe i will finally get the time to do stuffs.

alsoooo after next week, i have a week off! so i am going to do my best to be around more. i'm so so sorry for being so flaky, not replying to people back in weeks, barely writing anything etc etc. i love you all. thank you so much for putting up with me and being so patient. you're brilliant and i love you all xxx

#ooc ;; jade talks for england #as much as i liked MAFS i'm glad its finishing tonight because watching a programme for 1.5 hrs each night is effort!!!!!#(if i dont watch it when they show it on tv i won't watch it at all lmao but i want to watch but also i dont bc i wanna do other things?#idk welcome to my rampant brain <3)#i must sound like a broken record at this point but i'm so grateful for you all!! and so sorry for everyone i keep hanging! i am Exhausted

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cursivebloodlines · 5 days

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right. i am home. i have spoke to the doctor, got a blood test on wednesday! i'm gonna TRY and do some drafts and maybe reply to messages. i know i suck, i'm so sorry! everything is just ksgjaldgadsg. gonna prepare dinner first then go from there :) hope everyone is good! sorry i'm awol and unreliable. not ignoring anyone, i'm just shit at organising my time :)) i am gonna try and get some things written soon and plotting messages replied to! (i think i've seen this film beforeeeee)

#i think i just really hate my writing at the moment which doesn't help either lmao....also ttpd on repeat.... ya #love you all thanks sm for putting up with me<3 #ooc ;; jade talks for england

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cursivebloodlines · 6 days

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THE TORTURED POETS DEPARTMENT - THE ANTHOLOGY BY TAYLOR SWIFT PROMPT LIST * assorted lyrics from the album, some lines slightly adapted for meme purposes but feel free to adjust as necessary

even if it's handcuffed, i'm leaving here with you.

trust me. i can handle a dangerous man.

i love you. it's ruining my life.

does it feel all right to not know me?

i am who i am 'cause you trained me.

quick. tell me something awful.

i loved you the way that you were.

we were just kids, babe.

i can fix him.

you and i go from one kiss to getting married.

you said i'm the love of your life.

way up there, i actually love it.

i just don't understand how you don't miss me.

do you hate me?

did you think i had it in me?

what if i told you i'm back?

i still miss the smoke.

i'm not trying to exaggerate, but i think i might die if it happened.

you look like stevie nicks.

it's hell on earth to be heavenly.

i still can't believe it.

this happens once every few lifetimes.

didn't you hear? they called it all off.

it's happening again.

my friends say it isn't right to be scared.

i might just die.

fuck you if i can't have us.

tell me about the first time you saw me.

are you gonna marry, kiss, or kill me?

no one's ever had me... not like you.

stay away from her.

there wouldn't be this if there hadn't been you.

i don't think you've changed much.

that's where i was when i lost it all.

life was always easier on you than it was on me.

i hoped you'd return.

do you believe me now?

what if your eyes looked up and met mine one more time?

what are the chances you'd be downtown?

is it something i did?

oh, we must stop meeting like this.

they say what doesn't kill you makes you aware.

i'm not a donor, but i'd give you my heart if you needed it.

looking backwards might be the only way to move forwards.

the story isn't mine anymore.

what a charming saturday!

none of it is changing.

wild winds are death to the candle.

one bad seed kills the garden.

i'm bitter, but i swear i'm fine.

this place made me feel worthless.

i didn't want to come down.

everything had been above board.

blood's thick, but nothing like a payroll.

you can mark my words that i said it first.

the professor said to write what you know.

all of this to say, i hope you're okay.

your words are still just ringing in my head.

i built a legacy which you can't undo.

who do i have to speak to to change the prophecy?

the effects were temporary.

no, i'm not coming to my senses.

babe, you gotta fake it 'til you make it.

you know you're good when you can even do it with a broken heart.

i guess a lesser woman would've lost hope.

thought of calling you, but you won't pick up.

you're a professional.

long may you reign.

you're an animal. you are bloodthirsty.

now i seem to be scared to go outside.

i don't believe in good luck.

i hate it here.

if i'd been there, i'd hate it.

only the gentle survived.

i'm lonely, but i'm good.

you have no room in your dreams for regrets.

i thought it was just goodbye for now.

are you still a mind reader?

let it once be me.

i haven't decided yet.

i still dream of him.

i'm so afraid i sealed my fate.

it was always the same searing pain.

i can't forgive the way you made me feel.

it wasn't a fair fight or a clean kill.

she used to say she wished that you were dead.

tell me all your secrets.

they tried to warn you about me.

you're in terrible danger.

i'm the life you chose.

yes, i'm haunted, but i'm feeling just fine.

no one asks any questions here.

tell me i'm despicable. say it's unforgivable.

i'm running back home to you.

you should see your faces.

you knew the price going in.

was any of it true?

who the fuck was that guy?

i don't ever want you back.

did you sleep with a gun underneath out bed?

you don't get to tell me you feel bad.

you wouldn't last an hour in the asylum where they raised me.

am i allowed to cry?

there's no such thing as bad thoughts. only your actions talk.

they're going to crucify me anyway.

i know i'm just repeating myself.

that's the closest i've come to my heart exploding.

#memes #specify muse!!!#I have been absent bc all I have done is listen to this album and nothing else #I’m in hyperfixation mode I fear 😭 but pls tear my heart out

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cursivebloodlines · 9 days

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ugh, sorry guys. got waylaid again. and i've written a couple of lines here and there but nothing substantial, i'm afraid. i have been neglecting ims again and for that i'm sorry. but tomorrow is friday and i have the weekend free! so i intend to get most of my remaining drafts written and messages replied to over then. sorry for being so flaky! every time i think things are getting better something gets in my way :)))

(blame married at first sight australia also getting in my way. i'm hooked LMAO. also been watching bridgerton and taskmaster so... yeah. i'm in my tv shows era again for a change)

BUT ALSO TAYLOR SWIFTS ALBUM TOMORROW WEEEEEE. cannot wait to relate her songs to my clowns & ships some more :')

hey guys. sorry i haven't replied to messages yet, my brain's having bit of a mare :( and i'm tired and headachey. i'll be hiding in the rest of my drafts but i've got family over today so if you don't hear from me until tomorrow or after, i must apologise in advance!!

#ooc ;; jade talks for england #also got a drs appt on monday - a telephone call bc i want my bloods done so i can get to the bottom of my health i hope lmao #me? trying to make tentative steps to sort myself out? maybe.....until i chicken out :') hope ur all good xxx

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cursivebloodlines · 10 days

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#ooc ;; jade talks for england #if u see me lurking but not replyingggg i'm not ignoring you!!#my brain is just fried and i'm not feeling gr9 ):

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cursivebloodlines · 11 days

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How many times had Dougie repeated this exact scenario through his head? His fragmented mind in all sorts of directions, all sorts of questions. What she would look like, whether she would look different, how she would be, what he would say. His imagined response could vary from beckoning Laurel into his welcoming, loving and open arms, to wipe away the negative memories and the agonising heartbreak of the last two years and start fresh, or resume where they left off, as though no time had passed at all. Or…it would alternate to the complete opposite, slamming the door in her face and telling her never to speak to him again. Which, of course, never happened. Could never happen – his resolve could never be quite that strong – not when it came to her. But it was always one way or another. Neither happened. Not whatever this currently was. Somewhere in the middle, in the middle of all things unsaid from before and all the other things he wanted to say after the fact. The back and forths, the thinly veiled curtain of normalcy, partially acting as though nothing had changed when everything had changed. Like they were hanging in some sort of weird limbo. But he would take that over nothing at all. He would take it over more years of silence. As sad and pathetic as it sounded, if he found out before they got together that it would end in pain, devastation and abandonment…the truth of the matter was he would do it all over again, in a heartbeat. If he went back, he would do the same. Repeat the same actions. Meet her, be friends with her, love her with all he had and then some. The only thing he’d change was letting her go that day. Other than that? He would do everything the same. Even if he couldn’t change the ending, he would still relive it all over again. Because she was worth it, and Dougie would do anything for her. He thought he’d moved past that now, but seeing her again brought it all back. Two years trying to move past all the heartache and it took only moments for all that progress to unravel. Even though he was trying so hard to push past it, to deny it all. That was all shoved to the back of his mind, locked away to try and make sense when the time was right. The timing wasn’t right yet; not with her still here. And while Laurel was here, he was determined to make the most of every moment, in case there was a last. Even now, her words enabled another smile to grace his face, tugging up at the corners and softening his features with every word that left her mouth, that still playful tone emanating from her.

“Oh, I don’t know about that. You’re probably giving me way too much credit,” he shot back, though he was clinging on to every word like it was everything because it was; he was in awe of how her words could still mean so much to him, even if he disagreed. How natural the playfulness between them was, even despite everything. How was that even possible? Dougie would happily spend a lifetime trying to answer that question…or just simply enjoying it for whatever it was. And now it was his turn to learn from her, granting her his undivided attention as she always did with him. He always appreciated how patient she was with him, especially when it came to his nonsensical rambles. Laurel always told him how much she learned from him but the truth was, he learned so much from her, too. He always adored listening to whatever ran through her bright mind. He learned so much from her, grown as a person because of her. Became more willing and open to new things rather than burrowing himself deep in his comfort zone. Even now, listening to her tell him about the alleged differences between being a thief and a collector, Her explanation made sense, the more he considered it and thought about it. Nodding his head, humming pensively as he weighed up the options. The example she gave about the museums solidified it for him, he supposed he could agree. Dougie could’ve sworn he’d read something about it before, come to think of it. Not completely but it was certainly rang some bells of familiarity. Even so, he was sure she could tell him anything and he would believe her, no questions asked. But then he did have a question that came to mind, wondering how this all was meant to relate to him. And…well, she must’ve had the same sort judging by the words that left her mouth next. A wry chuckle escaped him accidentally, unable to help the ways the corners pulled at his lips once more, a soft smile gracing his face. In some way, he supposed it could be similar… if he’s stealing the sayings without giving whoever originally said the credit… though he couldn’t imagine any of those people being bothered about some common bloke from Scotland using them.

Hearing her sort of stumble along her explanation, making sure to point out that the museum collecting or stealing things had nothing to do with him. She reminded him so much of himself in that moment, simply adorable and endearing. Though if it was him, he would have found himself annoying, rather. But her? Never, it was never ever a possibility. “I’ll always listen to you, even if you tell me not to,” he pointed out with a quiet chuckle, not laughing at her just… the whole thing. She was everything. “You are making sense, have been making sense. More sense than I ever will, anyway.” And they still kept playing along with the whole PowerPoint meeting to schedule. And Dougie knew, of course he knew, that they were simply delaying the inevitable here. By keeping up with the joking, by continuing the joke even when it was probably no longer funny - though to him, it may as well have been, it meant they could continue pretending that everything was okay. Live in the past of what used to be a little longer, act like his heart never ached from her absence because she was here now. Push aside his conflicting feelings for a little while longer. His heart doing flips when she suggested sending an invite for this non-existent presentation. He knew if she sent him that invite, he would accept it no matter what. Even if there was a conflict in his schedule, even now he would cancel any existing plans just to see her again. Pathetic? Maybe. Foolish? Completely. But he couldn’t help it, he would always put her first even now they weren’t together. Maybe one day he would put it past him, but not today. “I’ll be sure to refresh my emails, just to make sure I get it. Consider it done,” he teased, unable to help the warmth that coursed his veins at the thought, his heart fluttering still at the thought of seeing her again… if that was something even possible, he wasn’t sure. He could get to that later, though.

The next thing he knew, she was…thanking him? It was engraved across his face, the confusion. He tried his best to stop the expression on his face but he couldn’t help the automatic, knee-jerk reaction of the raised eyebrows, the opening and closing of his mouth when she spoke, then trailed off. Was his own anxiety rubbing off on Laurel, he wondered? Or was he making her…nervous? That had to be something new, he didn’t remember her feeling nervous about…well, anything really. Doug was clueless; why was she thanking him for today? If anything, it should have been the other way around. Thanking her for coming back, for indulging him with her time and granting him answers he’d been waiting around for. In some ways, the thanks felt like silent apologies. Were they? Or was he doing what he did best: over thinking everything, the way he always did? Unclear. “I um,” he paused, unable to encourage the right words to spring to mind, so he focused on clearing his throat with an offhanded shrug and hint of a smile to match hers. “You don’t have to thank me for…” he trailed off, because he was unsure what he was being thanked for. Today could have been interpreted in several different ways and…right. Overthinking again. “You don’t have to thank me for anything. Really, it should probably be the other way around instead. Thank you for…coming here, especially since you really didn’t have to. You could’ve just left it, I wouldn’t have known better. But you didn’t, and I know how hard it must be, after - after, well, everything. So, thank you. There we go, now I said it,” he added with a nervous laugh, scratching the back of his head awkwardly.

Her face was a picture-perfect portrait. The way he could still make her laugh, even now, by being exaggerating was purely everything. Unable to help the way his heart fluttered at the way she looked at him, seeing pure love and fondness in those eyes he could easily get lost in for hours on end. Or the warmth blooming in his chest without her even trying. Or maybe he was getting his wires crossed, somehow. So much time had passed and yet when they were like this, it was as though no time had passed at all. It made it easier for his resolve to crumble, for him to want to just pretend the last two years had never happened and go back to where they left off. So much time had passed and yet Laurel still embodied the image of perfection in his eyes. She could do no wrong in his eyes, and it was so easy for Dougie to unravel into old habits and forgive, forgive, forgive. He needed to tone it down a notch or two, come to his senses. He even shook his head as if that would eradicate the thoughts circling his mind before he reminded himself of what this was… (What was it, again?) The sound of her laugh was like music to his ears, and part of him wondered whether she was going to try and take it up a notch and exaggerate, maybe expand upon his feeble attempt to say ‘a little bit’ in the most complicated way and somehow make it even more so. But no, she seemed pretty happy with his comment, which of course was fine. If she was happy, so was he. It was always this way. He simply couldn’t tear his gaze away from her, the light shade of pink tinting her cheeks. An effect that he still had on her. Douglas wondered whether anyone else ever made her blush the way he seemingly did. If he recalled, Laurel likely denied it. Had that changed at all, in those two years? Why did that even matter? It was none of his business, but he couldn’t help himself. It felt like a little win under his belt, knowing that even if everything else changed, this was still something that could still occur. A silly, meaningless detail to dwell on but that was Dougie in a nutshell. Always overthinking. “And here I thought it was so you could keep me in check. Or accountable. We both know I’m not much of a runner,” he jested, struggling to bite back a snicker at his own thoughts, which he simply voiced with, “Pretty funny to think about, huh? Because if you see me running anywhere, my best advice is that you should probably start running too because some shit’s comin’.” Another hilarious mental image. Dwelling on the pretend scenarios in their heads was amusing, if fleeting. Powerpoint presentations, marathons… It had taken two years for them to come face-to-face again, in the flesh, and there they were, spouting on about hypotheticals. Sad, in a way, because he was so used to them planning things together. Things to actually do and not just imaginary scenarios that would never happen. Was that a glimpse into the future trajectory of their relationship? Did they even have a future relationship? Truthfully, he didn’t know. And the more time went on, the more Dougie realised that actually, he didn’t really know anything. So, he supposed he would have to simply wait and see. He’d waited for so long already, he could wait a bit longer.

This whole thing was like being stuck between a rock and a hard place. Dougie should have braced himself for the impact of her responses to his questions. After all, she was answering earnestly which was all that he could have asked for. All that he’d been dreaming about for the last bloody two years. He knew damn well, he was potentially opening up a can of worms by approaching the subject, about asking Laurel about her feelings. Maybe there was a part of him that secretly hoped she would turn around and tell him that this was for closure, and for nothing more. That the feelings she once had for him were gone completely now. Because then, he would know for sure he could close the book of them for once and for all, the chapter at an end. But they never truly ended, so why would he expect any differently? Their wasn’t a definitive end to their relationship. She left, sure, but they hadn’t explicitly broke up. It was open to interpretation. After all, he had expected her to come back. It took way longer than expected but she did come back. It was hard, figuring out where to go when their relationship never had a full, solid conclusion. Dougie did not know what the right thing to do was, where to go from here. What to do with the information he received today, how he felt about anything anymore. To some people, hearing them express their guilt and remorse for the actions and poor decisions they made would make them feel better, but he could only feel worse. Knowing that the person he loved was carrying around so much inside of them, it wasn’t nice at all. It did not bring him any satisfaction. Only made him feel awful because she was feeling bad, and not knowing how to help her without setting himself up for potentially getting hurt again.

The question of regret was reasonable in his mind. How she spoke of about the disintegration of their relationship wouldn’t have happened if they just stayed friends when they had the chance. There was no way of knowing that for sure, no matter what either of them would’ve believed. Bracing himself for further impact, Dougie was taken aback by the quick reaction to the question he placed in front of her. Quick to answer, quick to declare that no, she absolutely did not regret their relationship. He simply nodded, his hands running across his face, up to his forehead, then through his hair. He waited as she spoke, simply letting Laurel get whatever she was thinking off of her chest. What was he supposed to say to that? There was no way of knowing for sure. There were an infinite number of possibilities how things could have gone. Part of him still wondered whether it still sounded a bit like regret, but he tried to ignore that; she already answered that question only seconds before. Who was he to refute that? Shrugging his shoulders, he rubbed the back of his neck. “You don’t know that. Anything else could’ve happened. We were good friends, yeah but…” We were better together, as more than that. You know that. He wanted to tag that to the end but stopped. It wouldn’t eliminate any other hurt, it would only take that hurt and have it run deeply. “You just don’t know what could’ve happened,” he murmured, shaking his head more so to himself than at her. Hearing his words echoed back to him, Dougie peered back at her. It was almost like she was in disbelief, wondering if she was hearing correctly. A timid smile crept up to his lips, a silent nod like he was quietly confirming that she’d heard right, that he had meant what he’d said. He wouldn’t have told her that if he didn’t believe it. It might’ve made him a fool, but he was a fool in love. And as for telling her about how he knew it wasn’t much to offer her, that was the feelings of his own self doubt creeping in. No matter how much he tried to push those thoughts at bay, they always found a way to sneak in, one way or another. “Okay, sorry.” His default phrase, the one terrible habit he could never quite shake. Apologising for the sake of apologising, apologising for things that were out of his control or not his fault, apologising because he didn’t know what else to say. He’d probably end up apologising for merely existing if he had the chance. “At least… um. At least you know - or remember - now.” Bright side to everything, as he always tried.

Back to the jokes and the smiles again, a relief. Huffing in response to her accusing him of making her extra weird, a quiet laugh escaped his lips. “Oh, so it’s my fault you’re weird now, is it? Wow, Laurel. That’s low,” he teased, loving that familiar grin on her face. Plain and simple: he would never get enough of this. Of her. And he made a note to cherish however many of those moments they had left; Dougie wasn’t prepared to take those memories for granted ever again, not after what happened. Her comments in return made him smile, especially as he noticed her smile continue to grow. What he would do to make sure that smile never left her face again. God, he missed her so. “Well, I’ll be happy to remind you however many times you want.” He’d try his best, anyhow. And then…well, yeah. The slip. He’d been holding on to hope that Laurel might’ve missed his little slip but judging by the way she stopped mid-sentence and the look on her face said it all. His heart thundered against his chest, a rise of panic bubbling up. That momentary blip soon faded though when she didn’t comment on it, though he did notice the way she reacted. The panic simmered; it was a slip of the tongue, or he was getting way too comfortable way too quickly again. It was complicated. Completely, truly complicated. But having Laurel in his arms silenced the thoughts running rampant in his mind, probably the first form of comfort in a long, long time. Even though everything was tough and he had so much he needed to work through after today, but this moment with her right now? He would take it, make it last for as long as either of them would allow. Right now, he needed it like he needed air to breathe. It felt right. A lot like home, though he was already technically home; he had found a home in her, too. Even if that was no longer the case, for now, for these fleeting few moments, he could pretend that everything was okay. If he closed his eyes, he could pretend nothing had gone wrong, that she hadn’t left him, that this was any ordinary day. (Except that it wasn’t.) But at least whatever happened after they eventually let go - which neither of them seemed to want in that moment - he could say that they had this little moment. If only he did this before, two years ago, the morning she left. To just hold on to her, he could have found an excuse to stop her from seeing her parents that day. They could’ve stayed in their blissful, little bubble. Nothing else mattered.

“Not just on pause, stopped altogether now. Do keep up,” he reminded her with a weak chuckle, his hand rubbing her back in soothing circles, his other stroking her hair absentmindedly. Then, came the unravelling. Two years of trying to heal from losing her, and after building up himself from the scraps she left of him, Dougie was undone. It pained him to think of those messages, pained him that he couldn’t even recall what some of them were. Despised himself for being pathetic enough to do that, regret oozing out of every pore and particle of his existence. Not only that, but to pile it on her. She probably already felt awful for leaving him with no explanation, he hated being the reason why she likely felt even worse. Not being able to separate the pain and anguish between the before and the now, and how neither of them ended up happy. He could never hide his emotions very well without someone seeing when he was not okay, and this… hearing her explicitly say she received the messages felt he was falling apart. Someone ripped the scab off and now he was bleeding again. Just when he thought he’d healed, he was right back to where he started. Part of him hoped that the next time they met, he could earnestly say he was good, doing better. That would have shown her, past Dougie thought. But he was far too much of an honest man, the type that would give you the clothes off his back if you needed to, no matter what happened in the past. It was his fatal flaw, and his friends often told him he needed to stop being a doormat. But this was different. Laurel never walked all over him. That’s not what this was about. Deep down, he knew she must’ve received the messages. Because when he felt low and missed her dearly, he would scroll through their conversations on the apps they talked on. And then, when he reached the end - his desperate spam. Underneath, in small font, he saw the word ‘Seen.’ But it wasn’t until now, hearing her say it to his face, that it clicked. He already knew, so why was he feeling so overwhelmingly broken?

Rambling when he was clearly upset was another one of his habits. Hoping that if he talked enough, it would hide the evidence like covering up a crime scene. It was one of his tells, instead. The wavering in his voice, the uncertainty. Hearing Laurel start but not finish her sentence, Doug could already have filled in the blanks. An instinctual reaction, the automatic kind that someone says because they don’t know what else to really say. Or, that’s how he felt, even if it wasn’t necessarily true. Though, what Laurel had said did have some element of truth to it. Upset with her? Absolutely. Angry? Like he just said, he couldn’t be if he tried. He was so ridden with devastation that it was too much to be angry too. The heartbreak had been hard enough, draining the life out of him. If he was angry, it was at himself. Angry was too violent of a word to describe it; frustrated was probably the more plausible option. But even if he were angry, it would never necessarily translate to be physically obvious. Douglas would have directed it to himself so she didn’t have to. Over time, the frustration just…faded. He was defeated. Defeated until she came showing up on his doorstep with answers he only dreamed of. Even if he’d been angry, he was never one to raise his voice at anyone. If he did, it would be met with instant apologies. It never solved anything. “Maybe once upon a time, I was those things. Except for being angry, or whatever… I don’t know. I just couldn’t take it out on you. You’ve probably tortured yourself enough to last a lifetime. You don’t deserve that…Or anymore than that and…I guess I just - I don’t know. It’s all so complicated,” he sighed, frustrated with himself with the inability to articulate his thoughts.

When Laurel’s eyes met his, he knew he was done for. Eyes were the window to the soul and all he could see were the words she echoed and the sincerity in them, in her voice. Hearing her say she loved him. Any self preservation tempted to throw out of the window and dump it into a bin. He was hers. He always would be. She was going to be the death of him, but he couldn’t imagine a better way to go. Inhaling a shaky breath, the words he’d been dying to hear, bringing him back to life but killing him all the same. I wish I could take it all back. “If only we could press the undo button and pretend like it didn’t happen..” he uttered weakly, his words barely above a whisper. ‘It’ referencing the distance between them, the heartbreak. Not the whole relationship, never that. His breath was trembling, his eyes drifting all over her face, a snapshot beneath his eyelids. Just in case. Was that how it was going to be now? Trying to capture every slight moment, expression, word, just in case it was the last again? In case she slipped between his fingers once more? He should have moved his hand back, or even better not put it on her face in the first place. Call it muscle memory. Or nostalgia. Dougie could call it whatever he wanted, have any fancy term to try and explain what his mind was going through. It wouldn’t change it. Her words brought him back to reality. I know I won’t hear that anymore. It was hard. Hearing those words from her because there was a part of him dying to say, ‘Don’t say that because its not necessarily true; I do love you. I’ll always love you. I just need time.’ But he couldn’t tell her that. Not because he didn’t love her because he did love her. Still loves her. But what if he couldn’t get past what happened? What if time wasn’t enough? The thought of giving her false hopes… of even trying to delude himself into having false hopes. It would break him more than he already was; he didn’t want to break Laurel, too. And so he said nothing. Instead, Dougie chose let her words hang in the air, clouding over them and settling on their shoulders.

His heart was doing somersaults, at her promises. He thought he might crash when he felt her hand brushing against his skin and then her lips against his hand, searing into his skin. Permanent, like a tattoo. And so familiar. Dougie was weak at the knees, completely and wholly at her mercy. “That day -” He croaked, paused to clear his throat and continued, voice shaky, “That day is never going to happen.” Shaking his head in silent protest to her comment about time and space. He never needed time and space, not with her around. Swallowing the lump forming in his throat, he wondered: was she excusing herself because this was getting too much for her? And using him as an excuse? Might be a result of his overthinking and anxiety at bay, but it felt like she was fading from him again. His heart, shattering again. If she wanted to go, then why couldn’t she just say so? Instead of using him as an excuse. “It’s…I…” His brows furrowed, shrugging his shoulders. Helplessly, he asked, “Where will you go?” It wasn’t until now he realised, he didn’t know where she was staying. Did she live locally now? Did she have a long way to travel? He hoped it wasn’t intrusive to ask, but the question was out now. Dougie didn’t know what he needed, and it wasn’t her place to assume what he needed, not anymore. “If you wanted to go, you could’ve just said,” he muttered under his breath, not even realised he’d uttered the words aloud.

This was all sorts of weird. If she didn't know any better, Laurel would believe she was dreaming. The one that came every other night. A dream of redemption. How she broke his heart, and still - he opened his door for her. That he can even smile and laugh with her around, her heart was in a frenzy. It gave her whiplash, how normal this felt when reality came busting through the door. But maybe, that's the way it should be. She shouldn't allow herself to enjoy this normalcy too much, not when she knew this could only destroy him. What was she supposed to do though? Walk out again? Say goodbye and leave his life before she did more damage? The better part of her knew it was the right thing to do, but that's not what her selfish heart wanted. Her heart didn't often want, and if it did, Laurel always chose to ignore. In her opinion, listening to her heart meant trouble. It had caused trouble in the past...caused chaos in Dougie's life too, the moment she let him in. That's how she viewed it for so long, that's what kept her away. However, it was difficult to ignore her longing, the agonizing pain her heart was in when she set her mind on moving on, on letting him go. His tongue-tied moment was not new to her. In fact, she always thought it was adorable. Just how much he wanted to say, how many words could rush to spill out, and still get tangled along the way. It was one of the things that drew her in. It was odd, but Laurel found him intriguing from the start. Between rushed words and tied tongues, she was hooked. Hooked on the adorable man with the blue eyes and wide smile. "I must've learned the sayings from you," she responded, the playful tone never leaving her lips, even when he complimented her brain. And there he was, with a compliment that meant more to her than anything she's heard before. Being complimented for her brains rather than her physical traits was fairly new, something she really only learned and believed with Dougie. Talking to him was always like communicating with someone from another world in the best way. He said things that she never would consider, opened her eyes to new ideas and concepts. In short, he became her guide to life. Laurel expected the confusion on his face as soon as the words left her lips, she always said things without thinking. Thinking about whether it made sense or it should even be said out loud. If they were on better terms, she may have shared her comment about him being a thief of her heart. It would've been cheesy and funny, she would've seen his wonderful smile again. Maybe that soft tint in his cheeks when he blushed. But instead, she found herself launching into the general explanation. "For some people, yeah I guess so. They can excuse stealing, for the sake of collecting. You know, like museums collecting artifacts and refusing to return them to their proper home." Laurel swore she had read an article about that recently. It was a safe response, but she hated that she couldn't just tell him what she had actually thought. She just wasn't allowed to anymore. "Not that it applies to you! You don't...it's not about you. Just, don't listen to me. I'm not making sense today." This hypothetical PowerPoint became more real the more they talked about it. It seemed pretty established that it was non-existent, but she probably should give it some thought. Joking about clearing his schedule, that could be an opportunity to see him again. They were not a thing anymore, let alone friends, but...maybe acquaintances. Acquaintances met to catch up, which...they could, and she could see him again...right? Frankly, she was afraid to ask, but she did know - she would stick around. Give him space of course, but she would stay. "I'll send a calendar invite for it then, make sure we don't miss the date."

Expect the unexpected. It seemed like that they were both experiencing that today. Her surprise visit, his surprise reaction. His and hers, in the weirdest way possible. "I..yeah," remnants of her smile remained; the nervous feeling was taking over. Possibly the only mutual feeling left between them, surprise. No time for pity though, she did do this to herself. "Well, I'm surprised in a good way, and yeah I mean...thank you for..." for what? For being you and being so kind to even open your door? But maybe, he mistook the knock for someone else and never meant to. The voice in her mind was quick to make an appearance. It was more like, thank you for not shutting the door on my face and letting me talk to you, after everything. Yes, that made more sense, though Laurel said none of that. "Well, thank you for today, I really appreciate it." And just like that, she traded the apologies for thank you's, all in this weird apology tour.

Oh, she had the heart eyes. Yep. Her gaze softened, the corners of her lips inevitably turning upwards as he responded with his own interpretation of a tiny bit. Dougie couldn't be cuter than in this moment, how he looked with his face scrunched up, the melodic laugh that came after. Her favorite sound in this world, the sound that represented happiness for her. How had she gone so long without it? She didn't really know. Their pictures and videos that lived in her phone helped, always a sore reminder of what she lost. What she gave up. In her mind, gave him up to protect him from her self-destructive circle. Look how well that turned out. "Okay okay, agree. Just the tiniest bit," she spoke in between soft laughs. How easily they got carried away, going back and forth on their flaws, and now they were laughing it out and trying to reduce it to the tiny bit they were joking about now. Something told her that no matter how much they discussed it, they wouldn't agree on the flaws. One always trying to convince the other that they were more flawed. Perhaps, Dougie was right though..about making mistakes. Mistakes happened, everyone was flawed, and it was necessary to move past it. All that did was remind her that she should've been honest with him, show her flaws to him - let her be accepted by him. Love should've been enough, right? The blushing was not expected, the warmth building in her cheeks left her conflicted. How easily he affected her, how that had not changed even after all this time. “Running buddies? I like that, I’d probably need the accountability.” Is this what they had been reduced to? Hypotheticals and imaginary scenarios? It hurt to think about, which is why she tried to not dwell on it. It was easier to enjoy the scenario, how amusing it was to think of doing these mundane things with him again - even if the likelihood was slim. Dougie running for fun just didn’t seem accurate, even in their hypothetical. Perhaps she needed to suggest something else, another imaginary plan for them in this hypothetical world.

Laurel didn't know what else to tell him, how else to tell him that it wasn't his fault. It probably wouldn't make a difference to him. She couldn't imagine the pain and hurt she caused him. All this time with no answers, he was probably thinking the worst. She never bothered to answer any of his messages or voicemails, not even the drunk ones. Though, it was tempting. There were so many times where Laurel got so close, even typed a message here and there, but she could never bring herself to press send. Always reminding herself that staying away was for the best, that it probably hurt him a lot at first but maybe, time had done its work. That maybe, her being away had led him to something better.

When she uttered his name, Laurel didn't really have any idea of where she was going with her words. What direction it would go in. Instead, it was a shabby attempt to say anything to break the silence between them, to snap them both out of the million thoughts that were in their minds. Still, all it really did was put the attention on her. Laurel spoke up, and it seemed like she just needed to keep going because Dougie was silent. Her eyes tried finding any expression, any indication of what may be running through his mind, but she couldn't decipher much. Not right now. He only repeated okay. Had she broken him? Brows furrowed momentarily, no that couldn't be it. Laurel could only hope some of her words were making it through; asking for more than that would be selfish. His response was met with a small smile and a nod, acknowledging his well wishes. Still, it didn't deter her - Laurel would piece his words eventually. No biggie. The question did catch her off guard a bit, she had to admit. Mostly because she didn't expect him to even want to ask..to know what she was thinking or feeling. It wasn't easy, to answer the question - how do you feel? Because, her feelings were right at the tip of her tongue, just wanting to exclaim - I love you! I have never stopped loving you, and I can paint this picture that I'm only here to give you the truth and leave..but the truth is, I came back for you. I'm selfish and I've hurt you every time. I should've stayed away, but I'm here instead because I haven't been able to stop loving you and I haven't felt right since I left. It just didn't seem right to unload all of this on him. His response to her question made sense, no idea if there was ever a right time. Yep, a shrug made sense. Laurel noticed the way he dropped his gaze, perhaps she should've skipped the first part of how she felt. Talking of her guilt didn't help anyone, and all she wanted to do was avoid hurting him more.

Laurel could tell he was hesitant to ask, she had hurt him again...hadn't she? Her protests quickly fell from her lips, "no no I don't!" A sharp breath inhaled before she kept speaking. It was a conflicting feeling, selective regret. She could never regret him or regret their relationship. He brought her happiness like she had never known. "I could never regret us...I just can't help but think that I wouldn't have hurt you if I had just...been your friend. We were good friends, right? I like to think I wouldn't have messed that up," she admitted. His quiet words were not expected, her eyes drawn up to see him once more. I've always been here. Laurel should've never forgotten that. It killed her, how he was right there for her once again. Words were caught in her throat, how to answer that...how to repay his kindness. "I-I didn't lose you..." she repeated his words as if trying to process and believe them. "And you're still here..." She glanced back up at him, always? She was almost tempted to ask if he was sure. If she really would always have him, because Laurel really wanted to believe it. Desperately wanted to believe in something. "Don't say that, that it's not a lot. It's everything to me...knowing that I can still count on you. I don't know when I forgot that."

The mom topic was behind them. Thankfully. Laurel couldn't bear continuing to talk about her, especially when she could see that even Dougie wasn't believing what he was selling. Still, the topic was done. "Hm, sounds to me like you made me extra weird," she said, accompanying his chuckle with a grin. Trying to return to the laughter and jokes, her new safe space. "You're right, maybe I overdid it a bit." And there was a laugh once more as she nodded. "Yes, you did say that already, but a reminder never hurts." When he laughed, her smile grew. A triumphant one, she couldn't help but be proud of the fact that she had made him smile again. Laurel shrugged in agreement, "right again, guess it won't change anything but—" words caught in her throat once more. This was becoming a usual thing for her today. Wait, hold on...did he just say that? Had Laurel heard him right? My love? Those were words she had not heard in a while, and was not expecting to hear, though she longed for them. More than anything. She wanted to remain calm, not react to avoid any awkwardness. It was difficult to control her facial expressions though, no matter how much she tried. Her eyes widened, mouth agape, as she tried to find something to say. Words just failed her. Then, Dougie coughed as if to snap them out of the moment, and she wanted to ask...ask what he meant by that. Did he really mean it? What did it mean? But no, if he wanted to ignore it, she had to oblige. No matter how much it made her heart jump. Her arms remained wrapped around him, endless comfort was right here. Everything about this was complicated, including this hug right now. Yet, she couldn't find it in herself to let go of him. He was her home, simple as that. She could hug 1,000 people and Laurel still wouldn't feel this way. This was all him, it was a feeling she couldn't have with anyone else. Or perhaps, she just couldn't let go because she knew that once she let go, she probably won't have another chance to be in his arms again. This was her last opportunity, a weird..final goodbye kind of thing. She didn't really know what she meant by making things right, Laurel only knew she was determined to do so. Whatever that could mean to Dougie. Distance, no distance. Never seeing her again to let him move on. Anything really, she was willing to do it. There was only a nod to his answer. It wasn't a no, and it might be foolish to believe in hope, but she did. She really did believe that him thinking about it was progress.

"Right, apologies are on pause," she answered him, a breathy laugh following before she allowed her head to lay on his chest. This was everything. Something so simple bringing her back to life. Mentioning the messages was not the right move, Laurel knew that now. Which was worse though? Admitting she read and heard everything, or pretending that she ignored it all? Perhaps, not saying anything at all. Her mind reminded her. Laurel remembered them all though. The messages tormented her, the drunk voicemails only made her cry. That phone was abandoned after a few weeks, and it would only ever be charged and turned on when she was drunk off her ass, and she missed him. She couldn't help herself, wanting to see his face in an old picture or watching a silly video, but she could never escape the wave of messages that flooded her phone as soon as it turned on. Not that she would tell him that. He didn't need to know that, and frankly, it was the least she deserved. Was he crying? Laurel heard him sniffle and her heart immediately shattered. God, would she ever stop fucking up? Answer was probably no. And his pleads, no Dougie please no. She couldn't keep doing this to him. That was her conclusion. Laurel wanted to stay in the area, rebuild whatever she could, but at whose expense? His? Impossible. She didn't dare. Silence was back, Laurel couldn't answer. So, she said it. Told him what she had been feeling for the past two years, driven by her yearning. How much she missed him. This didn't help the situation at all, but it was already out. It wasn't blurted out, it wasn't something she could cover with a cough. Besides, why would she? Laurel meant it. She couldn't hide that. Now, she didn't expect him to drop everything, they get back together, and it's a happy ending for everyone. No. Laurel wasn't that hopeful or naive. Whichever worked best. She had hurt him badly, and as kind as he was, trying to help alleviate some of her guilt - it didn't change the facts.

And then he spoke. Caught her by surprise again, though the response was...more or less, what she expected. As he pulled back, Laurel felt her heart sink. This was it. She had fucked up one last time. "No you don't have to..." say anything. Yeah, that's what she meant to say, but the pang in her chest prevented her from continuing. She glanced down for a moment as he rubbed his eyes, probably trying to clean himself up. Laurel didn't want to point it out, but she could tell he had teared up. The sniffling earlier had been a clue. She almost didn't want to answer, why it'd be easier it he was mad. Well, for starters, Laurel was very familiar with the emotion. She felt it was easier to navigate. She just wondered if handling his anger would be easier than being received with kindness. That one felt trickier to her. "I..." a sigh escaped her, unsure how to explain the logic in her mind. "I guess it just...it's the emotion I'm most familiar with. I don't know...I guess I figured you'd be upset, angry with me..and I can't wrap my head around you...not." Not exploding on her, not yelling, and essentially - unleashing all their anger on her? It was how things usually worked, she thought. Accept all their anger because it was a just punishment.

The more he spoke, the more she concluded: Dougie was an angel. A soft, beautiful angel that she never deserved. This man who had continuously shown her more kindness than she deserved was asserting that he could never be mad at her, that he couldn't yell at her. What to do with all that kindness? An apology almost tumbled out from her lips, ready to say sorry for his brain being mush, but she remembered: no more of those. His touch was electrifying, a shaky hum caught in her lips as he stroked her cheek. Instinctively, her eyes fluttered closed, taking the moment to really commit this to memory. Another memory to save for a rainy day. After a few seconds, she opened her eyes, finding his eyes, not wanting to lose the intricate details of those baby blues. "I wish I could take it all back," she said quietly. It was a loophole, another way to apologize without saying sorry. Laurel remained silent as he spoke, each word taking a piece of her heart and shattering it, like a plate being thrown to the floor. It wasn't his fault, god no. She could never blame him, but it didn't change the feeling in her chest. Dougie was right though. She couldn't just expect to hear those words, not anymore. "Please...don't," a soft shake of her head. "You don't need to...you know, say that. Or anything really. I just couldn't keep that to myself anymore, but I'm not...I know I won't hear that anymore."

Wait, letting her go? She was it for him? So caught up in her thoughts, she almost missed what he said. Words that would have her heart jumping with joy, instead only pained her to hear. He was it for her too, but she didn't dare say it. Couldn't bring more hurt to him. "I won't..I won't go. I mean, I'll leave your apartment of course." Terrible joke, terrible timing. Though, the truth. It's not like she was going tell him she needed a place to crash or something. "But, I mean that I won't leave. I'll be here until, one day, you decide you don't want me here anymore...then I'll go. I'll do anything you ask." Her hand tentatively reached out to hold his, the one stroking her cheek, and held his hand in hers. A faint squeeze before she brought his hands up to her lips, a soft kiss pressed on his hand. There she was, doing things she wasn't supposed to. "I put a lot on you today Dougie...but you don't need to do or say anything. Really. It is a lot, I'm not...time and space is what you need...I'm probably not helping...by being here." Time and space would probably help him clear his head. Maybe, he'd talk with a friend about this. His friends might help him land somewhere, remind him of what she did. And, at the end of the day, whichever way he landed, she would respect. "I just can't keep hurting you Dougie...I think this has been enough for today. I should probably go, not..going away," specifying seemed like the right thing to do. "I'll...I'll be around, promise."

#6 months later.... i'm so SO sorry!!! THIS IS A MESS BUT HE IS A MESS THAT IS MY EXCUSE #god help them!!!!!!!!!! my heart!!!!! i'm sorry if this is trash :(((( but i missed them #i hate my writing rn lgkjaldgdg #overnightheartbeats #dougie x laurel #dougie x laurel ;; 001 #muse ;; douglas blackwood #douglas blackwood ;; interactions #overnightheartbeats ;; laurel

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cursivebloodlines · 14 days

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A rush of emotions completely uprooted Lydia. After spending so long thinking she was the last person walking on this planet…so many endless nights and days that all blended together. She sincerely believed she was the only one left standing. And now, here this man was. A complete stranger standing before her. A man so real, so alive. So alive, that she felt him. It had taken her so long to find solace in her isolation: no more people to worry about, not having to share out the little she had, no longer having to think about saving them, a lot of conversations between herself were much far mentally stimulating than anyone else. But even Lydia, someone who had been fine with being alone before this waking nightmare started had crumbled too many times she would like to admit - because to her, admitting it was weakness - due to the isolation and loneliness. How she would have done absolutely anything to have just one more conversation with someone again. Now her wish came true, it left her wondering. Where did they go from here?

Did they part ways, or should they stick together? Torn between her head reminding herself that she had been coping just fine on her own, and her heart who so desperately wanted to be accompanied by someone other than herself. But having someone else to worry about, to keep in check - or vice versa - was just asking for another burden to weigh down on her shoulders. She lost everything and it broke her. How she even managed to get up each day and survive had been tough, but she picked up the pieces and stuck them back together, albeit a little mismatched and some pieces could never truly be fitted again. But she was just fine. Could she endure potentially another loss in the long run if anything happened to Cameron? Lydia already blamed herself for all of it, all that went wrong. Another person's dead weight on her shoulders. Could she handle that possibility? There was also that sordid possibility that he could turn against her at any given moment. Trust was difficult to come by in these conditions. Only time could tell.

A sad smile flitted across her lips as she heard him speak, just relishing in his appearance in her life, the sound of his voice like music to her ears after only hearing her own for so long. “Counting was my idea of fun to begin with, to keep me going. In the end, it was just a reminder. A reminder of how long it had been since…” she trailed off, pensively. A sigh elicited from her lips and she shook her head, shedding herself of those memories that still invaded her nightmares as well as during the day. She respected his unwillingness to go into detail about what happened last. She didn’t particularly want to talk about what happened to her either. Apart from the occasional flashbacks she would get when something reminded her, or when she tried to sleep at night, she’d managed to bury it. What good would it do to dig it all up again? Looking around them both, she chewed the inner corner of her cheek in thought before peering back up at this man. “What happens now?” she asked, figuring it was better than beating around the bush. “You wanna go our separate ways after this chat or do we stick together?” It was smart to discuss plans, that’s what she told herself. Letting him make the choice just felt easier. A little smile tugged at her lips as she joked, “If we stick together, I was going to ask: my place or yours?” A laugh tumbled from her mouth, amused by her own little comment.

This was like a dream. Not a nightmare because if it were a nightmare she would be trying to kill him or she wouldn't even exist. She wouldn't be living and breathing. She would be nothing but here she was, a real human being with living flesh, a warm flow of blood, a heartbeat. A real heartbeat and it just seemed so abnormal now to know and see a real person again. Someone whome he could speak to and have a conversation with but was it only a dream? Was he finally losing it? He had to be because she was so close to her that he could almost smell her, though it wasn't a beautiful smell. Neither was he. This was never how he would meet people before this happened. He was typically well groomed, shorter hair, more clean shaven instead of the beard that started to grow, not hair that was down to his chin, hanging on his shoulders. The idea of this introduction made him laugh because something so personal like a name was being given out once again. It was almost like he had forgotten what his name was. It was something that was always attached to who you were, something so personal that you use to hear all the time but not anymore. Not in years and to hear another name, to hear another voice just made his bright eyes stare at her like she would disappear from the face of the planet. Like he would be alone all over again. Nobody said that they had to stay together, they could walk away from each other but now he had to rethink everything. He had to rethink his rations, rethink where to live, rethink how many bullets he had because if they stayed together it meant that he had to protect her and himself, he had to double up on the amount of food and medical supplies.

Cameron slowly began to nod his head as he understood. He understood that she had to make sure because hell he had to make sure everyday that he was still alive and real. He had to ensure that this human being before him was real and not someone who was just a mirage. He kept with his word of letting her poke him, keeping himself still with no sudden movements to scare her away or to say that he was any kind or source of thread. He stood there waiting. Waiting for her to move closer and with every inch she moved closer he could see the way her hair moved, he could see the lines and details in her skin. Feeling her finger push into his skin almost felt like she gave him a heart attack. She was real. Holy shit she was real and this wasn't a dream. He was actually touched by another person who was still here and alive. Cameron knew exactly what she meant. The watch on his wrist stopped working a long time ago and even if he still wore it just because he could tell the time from the sky now, he lost track of what day it was, what month and what year. It all just blurred into one and the only thing he could tell was what season it was by the way the temperature would fluctuate. ❝ Yeah.. I get it. ❞ He stated before trying to remember the last time he saw someone alive, he had to let his head roll back slightly to try and think back to the last person who was with him. ❝ Couple years I think. It's head to remember the exact time... I stopped counting. ❞ It was hard to talk about what happened. That was something he never spoke allowed. Nothing that he ever really came to terms with because they were robbed. They got an infection from them being stupid about getting supplies. Stupid because there wasn't anything he could do to help.

#lydia x cameron #lydia x cameron ;; 001 #muse ;; lydia collins #lydia collins ;; interactions #huntrcssqueen #huntrcssqueen ;; cameron

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cursivebloodlines · 14 days

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It pained him to admit, and perhaps he could never truly tell himself the one and simple fact: Aaron didn’t have anywhere else to go. His family were a cold, unsupportive bunch. Had he been his older brother, then it would’ve been fine; he always received the love Aaron never got to so much as glance at unless it was convenient in front of other people. Unlike his brother, who was considered the golden boy who could do no wrong even though the guy was a complete tool. Just like their father. And sure, he had friends he could reach out to. Many who he could call right off the bat. Most of those friendships were superficial, not much lingering beneath the surface. Not enough for deep conversations and heart to hearts.He was supposed to be the guy who brushes everything off. The life and soul of any party. A smile, some lame jokes, a bit of bantering around just to make people laugh for the sake of it. All a cover up to hide how truly broken he was inside. Work buddies might’ve got the gist of it, but there was no understanding this. They didn’t get it; Grayson was more like a brother to Aaron than Aaron’s actual brother. They didn’t know Grayson as well as Aaron had. All except from Kaitlyn, obviously, who knew him better than anyone else. She understood more than anyone else could. As much as he was here for her, to help her, to fulfil his promise to his best friend, he was here for himself too. To save himself from completely and truly breaking once and for all.

If he went home, he would be stuck with his own thoughts, mind on a constant loop of every way he fucked up, the final moments with his best friend. He couldn’t bear it. It would only lead to taking himself to any bar, knocking back shots until he was stumbling home or off to some stranger’s place for the night. Either that or get back into underground fighting, a way to expel his anger and agony. But here? Here, it felt more like home than a home ever was. It had been a safe space for Aaron, where he didn’t have to be anyone but himself. But now, he didn’t even know who he was anymore - and he’d spent a lifetime trying to figure those things out. Who he was and not who everyone else wanted or expected him to be. None of that mattered now though. The last thing Aaron was thinking about was himself. Unless it was to berate himself once more. Dragging himself out of his self destructive spiralling thoughts, his gaze focused on Kaitlyn. His gaze dropped to her fingers, noticed the way they shook as she wiped her face. Aaron offered his hand out to her, an attempt to provide some - any - sort of comfort. Hearing the sound of her laugh despite the pain and heartbreak she was experiencing, the kind that was barely there at all but still existed, still he heard it from his own ears and he offered her a weak smile of his own. It was clear as day, how hard she was trying. The comment about a human pillow pulled out a quiet, choked out laugh of his own. Again, barely there but still there.

Aaron sniffed, nodding his head and rolling his shoulders back. “Yeah, totally. I have my uses, a human pillow is definitely one of them,” he agreed, offering her a weak smile. “Normally, I don’t offer out my services for free but, exceptional circumstances and friends get perks. Can even add another one of those in; I can double up as both a human pillow and a punching bag if need be.” An attempt to lighten the load; resorting to humour was definitely a coping mechanism. “I can be useful. Full of surprises, I am. You’ve just gotta let me know which version you need at any point. For now, we can go with human pillow though, so you can rest.”

This was never a world in which Kaitlyn thought that she would be alone. Not technically alone but it felt it physically and mentally right now. She didn't have her husband anymore, she didn't have parents, step parents, siblings, she hardly had friends because most of them would only use her just to ogle Grayson or to share gossip in which she was never one to partake in. She never cared for gossip because you never knew the real story, the true story. Right now it was a process of Grayson. Of how his death meant that he wasn't coming back. It meant that she would never get to say I love you to his face again. Never would she get to see his face, smell his smell as she hugged him. She wouldn't get any of that back and she couldn't blame anyone, she could only blame the person on the opposite end of that weapon that made him draw his last breathe. It was like she could visually see it happened. She could see him being the hero that he was and it tore her apart. The only person whome she felt any kind of possible comfort was Aaron. This was like his house the amount of times that he would come over and she never complained, she would offer him a beer, make dinner, the three of them spending time together or Grayson and him while she could see the laughs and smiles coming from their direction. Everything was changing and she was gutted. She felt so sick to her stomach from the pain that it was sometimes hard to tell if it was pregnancy or from the pain of his death.

She wasn't sure if she was being selfish by saying that he couldn't overstay his welcome or not but she needed him here. If he wasn't here she would be on the floor, motionless just staring off into nothing. She would stay there for hours on end, not eating, not sleeping, she would just be this numb thing in an empty house. Her body was so mentally tired that her brain was shutting itself down, she could hardly find the will power to get up and take action, to move and find the motivation to continue on through a normal day. She wasn't herself, she was this foreign object just trying to be lucid and continue on a day to day basis. Hearing that she wouldn't be alone let her take a breathe of air, let her fill her lungs with the air that her and her future baby needed. Her nimble fingers were shaking as they brought themselves up to wipe her eyes. She had to try and find her voice, one that wasn't breaking or quiet. One that wasn't saying that she wasn't okay, that she might break at any given moment in time. She let our a breathe of air that she didn't realize she was holding but now... Aaron was all she had left. She didn't just lose her husband, he lost his best friend and partner. ❝ Like a human pillow. ❞ She tried to joke as she let out a half laugh finally.

#sorry this took so long and is a bit of a mess but! !!!!!!! i have missed them <333 #aaron x kaitlyn #aaron x kaitlyn ;; 001 #muse ;; aaron carter #aaron carter ;; interactions #huntrcssqueen #huntrcssqueen ;; kaitlyn

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cursivebloodlines · 14 days

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She smiled. That was good, right? Or maybe it was out of simply being polite, but a win was a win and so, Alfie decided to take it as such. He returned the smile with one of his own, sneaking a glance out of the window as they headed down the road. About to offer a considerate hum and a surprised, ‘Oh, really?’ comment regarding the traffic as he turned to face Roxane, however the mention of kids sparked his attention even more, stopped him in his tracks.

“You got kids, too?” The comment slipped out without much thought. “That’s cool. I get it, have two of my own,” he added then, eliciting a quiet laugh. In an instant, despite his nerves about the date ahead of them, it was as though a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He didn’t have to worry about telling her about his kids because she had them, too. That had to also be a good sign. Apparently, other people’s kids were considered ‘baggage’ to those without. Or so he read. It wasn’t something that occurred to him, only in the short space of time leading up to their meeting. A last minute ‘oh, shit’ kinda deal. He was trying his best here. Whether it was good enough, time would only tell.

A sympathetic smile crossed his lips as he listened to her talk about her eldest, nodding his head in empathetic understanding. Alfie instantly waved his hand as if dismissing her apology, not necessary for the explanation because he already got it. “Don’t worry about it,” he insisted, eliciting a soft chuckle. “Really, I don’t mind at all. Honestly, as soon as I heard the word ‘kids,’ I was like ‘Ah. Explains a lot.’” And he had more patience for someone who had children than the infamous ‘stuck in traffic’ excuse because in his opinion, if there was going to be traffic then they should have left earlier. Children, on the other hand, there was plenty of scope for distractions and events preventing them from getting out of the house on time. It was a miracle that he even showed up on time. “How old are yours?”

Roxane couldn’t help but smile at the repeated introduction, a breathy chuckle the best she could at stifling her own nervous laughter.

“I do,” she says, though she doesn’t need to, as she puts the car in drive and pulls out back onto the road. “And no, not traffic,” she adds. It was surprisingly light today, actually, as their short drive was already beginning to show. “Kids, actually.”

Roxane had been nervous about dating again, about how the girls would handle it. Their father had only disappeared a little over a year ago and little Brianna was stills rather averse to any attempt by anyone to win her well-guarded affection. She had even pushed Roxane away. This would be her first time being left alone.

At first she thought she was going to have to get a babysitter, which wasn’t really going to be an option. Luckily, their father’s brother had volunteered to stay with them, and she had hoped it would make the difference. It didn’t. Not really.

“My oldest has a hard time adjusting to change and I haven’t left them with anyone else since she was small. Even then, it was sparingly. She wasn’t too thrilled with the idea of me going out tonight. I hope you don’t mind. I really did try to be on time. I’m not usually a fifteen-minutes-late kind of woman.”

#aaa hi omg! more than okay! thanks so much for replying! :)#and i am SO sorry for how long it has taken me to reply!#rootsandflcwers #rootsandflcwers ;; roxane #muse ;; alfie hawthorne #alfie hawthorne ;; interactions #alfie x roxane #alfie x roxane ;; 001

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cursivebloodlines · 14 days

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An eyebrow quirked at that ‘hopefully’ comment, a little hint of a grin pulling at her lips. “You want to get used to being called Mouse? Strange man - or should I say, strange mouse…” she mused, humming happily at the thought. She’d heard stranger things before from a various number of people, this was nothing in comparison. However, there was a part of her wondered if there was another hidden meaning instead. Could it have been…the idea of getting used to her, perhaps? Too soon to tell, and she berated herself for her wandering thoughts, mentally rolling her eyes at the notion. She was really getting ahead of herself, perhaps too ahead. For goodness sake, she hadn’t even set foot inside at that point. But now she was, gladly trotting behind him as Sam led the way, taking in the surroundings, how his place was decorated, etc. It was nice, warm and inviting were the vibes she got. “You know, I think this is the first time someone has told me to mind my head…” Lydia said, laughing it off. She was quite short, though had been told in the past her fiery attitude made up for her petite height.

Stepping through the threshold that brought them out on to the balcony, she was immediately floored by the view. Yes, he was definitely correct about that. “The view is lovely,” she instantly said, smiling brightly over at him as she got herself situated in one of the seats. This was all nice. Very nice. Of course he had lots of questions, he was a detective. It was part of the job, was it not? She would’ve pointed it out any other time but funnily enough, she found herself quite content just to listen to him talk. Better than whatever word vomit had left her mouth only seconds prior. The deadly joke comment earned a laugh tumbling from her lips, shaking her head at Sam as she took a sip from her glass. “Actually, I think that was a deadly joke,” Lydia pointed out with a wry grin. “And you would be surprised what humour can come from working with the dead. I know technically you do but… I don’t know where I was going with that.” Again with the word vomit. She was usually better than this. What was getting into her?

Brows raised at the flurry of questions, she tilted her head a fraction. She noticed how Sam seemed to be asking the easy stuff, first. Which was smart, and she didn’t mind answering. With Lydia, it depended. Sometimes she was an open book, out with it with no questions asked. It was an illusion; the deeper you go, the more closed off she was, though she would try and hide that with coming out with some other random shit to make her seem so ‘open.’ She was a tough nut to crack. Only more so over recent years. Talking about herself was something she didn’t mind, per se, but she preferred to learn about other people. But she could try. That much was true. About to answer his question, sipping her drink again, Sam made a comment about it sounding like a chat show and that earned another soft laugh from her mouth. “It would feel chat show like if you suddenly went,” Lydia paused, clearing her throat for added effect as she put on a voice, her best attempt to sound like a chat show host. “Lydia Collins, come on down. How was that?” Awaiting his reaction, she hid behind her glass as a smirk threatened to spread across her lips. “But to answer your questions: I’m from Detroit, and I’ve been a forensic pathologist for… a good few years now, I think. I got told a lot when I first started that I looked too young to be one. Not my fault I was capable of sailing through and becoming qualified a bit earlier than most.” She shrugged. Little did she know there was more to that story, and that her father’s meddling had something to do with that. But for all this time, she genuinely believed it had been her sheer hard work and perseverance. “How about you? Where are you from, how long have you been a detective for? What made you decide to become a detective?” An extra question for added curiosity. It showed more interest than just throwing his original questions back at him.

“Okay okay” he chuckled as she called him mouse. “I’m going to have to get used to that…well hopefully” he added the last bit, reminding himself that well, she might not want to get used to spending her time with him. But something told him, he had a shot here. “Right this way” he said and lead the way to the balcony, it was a large window they had to climb out of the get onto it, “it’s not a door per-se, so just mind your head” he said as he climbed out and showed her the seats he had. They weren’t used all that often, seeing as he didn’t usually have a lot of friends over. He had a small circle, and he was glad to keep it that way.

He laughed at her ramblings, and shook his head when she’d finished. “No actually… I haven’t thought of anything new, but I do have lots of questions because, well I don’t have much to go on right now…you live downstairs, but there’s not much humour in that, I know you work with dead people…and there’s even less humour in that” he said, trailing off a bit at the end but couldn’t help but let out a laugh too. “Maybe I could say I don’t have any deadly jokes….” He said, and raised his eye brows, his hand extended in a “how was that one” motion while he sipped his beer. “But I need more…if you don’t mind that is…but uhh, where are you from? Have you been doing your job long?” He started, he was thinking of adding some more questions but thought best to just leave her begin talking about herself. “I hope this doesn’t feel quite so…chat show like” he laughed, wanting to add that I just want to get to know you, but left it on his tongue instead.

#i can only apologise for taking as long as i have with this reply!! i've been so awol for ages #i'm so sorry!#doug and fel is being worked on currently too and should have that up soon!#thanaredreamtof #thanaredreamtof ;; sam #lydia x sam #lydia x sam ;; 001 #muse ;; lydia collins #lydia collins ;; interactions

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