i just don't understand how you don't miss me. - for zoe (shh don't look that I sent two)

THE TORTURED POETS DEPARTMENT - THE ANTHOLOGY BY TAYLOR SWIFT PROMPT LIST | @overnightheartbeats

“You really don’t get it, do you?” A puff of breath slipped through her lips; a watery, broken laugh followed suit. If she so much as looked at him, Zoe knew her resolve would inevitably crumble. She looked everywhere but at him. The broken clock on the wall, out of time and ticking too fast - or was that just the beat of her heart? The piece of wallpaper in the corner opposite from them looked like it was about to fall off at any moment. Almost poetic and maybe even ironic, since it mirrored exactly how she felt in that moment. Her gaze averted to the floor, but not before she stole a glance at him on her way down. The heartbroken expression in his eyes, the love she could still see that lingered beyond them. How devastatingly beautiful he was, even when he looked gutted. The painstaking reminder: she did this to him, to them.

Did he not understand how much it was killing her to be apart from him? To purposely stay away from him when all she wanted to do was to pull him in closer, hold on tight to him with iron fists and never leave. But time and time again, she had hurt him with weaponised words of venom and spiteful declarations she could not retract so easily. Eric deserved more than that, deserved someone who could give him everything with no questions asked and not simply the crumbs she was willing to give depending on the day and the situation. She supposed it didn’t help how she kept coming to him for stupid things, and they ended up in circles and circles. One step forward, then two steps back. Then two steps forward and one step back. 

“I do miss you, Eric. I have missed you from the moment I left you. Even now, with you sitting here with me, I still miss you. That’s the problem.” And there it was. Raw, brutal honesty. “It’s a problem because I shouldn’t - I shouldn’t be missing you. Look at us. I did this to us.” Zoe knew she wasn’t making sense, that Eric wouldn’t understand - he never did. They had done this song and dance too many times before: all it would take is a moment, on the cusp of reigniting the flame once more but they fly too close to it. A fleeting moment of weakness for the two soon turns into a moment of regret for her, the guilt a permanent mark and it’s inevitable that she retreats, demanding and reinforcing boundaries whilst poor Eric attempted to fight for their relationship once again. If she couldn’t get past how badly she’d hurt him not once, but twice and probably more than that since she told him, ‘the more you love me, the more I hate myself’ and ‘I’m suffocating.’  Her own words haunted her, especially in the dark when she was alone again.

The way Zoe saw it, she didn’t deserve to miss him because she was the one who held the responsibility for destroying it. Trying to defend herself, she ended up attacking him and her default stance of losing her temper and saying everything in the worst way imaginable resulted in saying awful things she could not so easily take back. “I lost the right to sit around moping the moment I broke your heart.” She left out the part where she absolutely, one hundred percent did exactly that. Moping, having a rage and sobbing until she fell asleep. But that was then and this was now. It was now, she realised, that she should have merely played along with it. Act like she didn’t miss him instead of confessing. Maybe he could move on quicker that way. It would break her heart, but her heart was already far beyond broken anyway. 

Having everything slip through her fingers was a familiar tale and maybe that’s why she seemed so indifferent; she had grown accustomed to life’s relentless game of losses, where each disappointment forced her to return to the start, at square one once again. Whether it was her parents’ letdowns or being screwed over by others, setbacks were her constant companion. Time and time again, she would gather the broken pieces and keep on forward, never looking back. It was second nature, muscle memory. But Eric? He defied her closed-minded processes with an undying love too strong to walk away from. He was the first person who made her feel safe. His love for her was sincere and sacred, a rarity in her world. Something that deserved nurturing, something that was worth holding on to. Despite her best efforts (‘best’ was probably an exaggeration, come to think of it) to safeguard it, she found herself inadvertently destroying the only thing she cherished. She was a tornado, chaos with every hurricane she brought and Eric was always the one trapped in the eye of it, bearing the brunt of her wreckage. How was it possible to ruin the one good thing she ever had?

“I don’t know what you want me to do. I can’t just -” Sighing in frustration, she rubbed at her temples. How could she articulate it all when she didn’t fully understand herself? “If I act like I don’t miss you for long enough, maybe one day I will actually stop…” she trailed off, hesitating as she tentatively peered into his eyes once more. And there she was, falling for him all over again with just one look. “And if I can do that,” she said, her voice wavering as she held eye contact. That felt like worlds away right now. A pause, an intake of shaky breath. “Then maybe one day, you will stop missing me, too.” Perhaps confessing her plan wasn’t the brightest idea. But when she looked at him, she couldn’t lie to him. “I know you refuse to listen when I say you deserve better but it doesn’t make it any less true. I love you and I know you love me, but we’ve seen how this ends, we’ve been here twice before. I’ll be damned before I do it to you again for the third time.” But with the words she spoke, it became apparent to Zoe that maybe she had just done exactly that. “I’m sorry, Eric. I just - I don’t know. I can’t keep doing this - we can’t keep doing this.”

Music meme

I got tagged by @jesidres​ (I’m surprised to be remembered, but ever so pleased!) in the always fun randomize your music meme. Eclectic is definitely the best word to describe my tastes. So, here goes.

♪ put your shit on shuffle and put down the first ten songs then tag ten people ♪

1. Koudo - Dir En Gray - Given to me by my friend Suzi many years ago.

2. Now I’m Here - Queen - Greatest Hits

3. Lancaster Gate - Enter the Haggis -  Soapbox Heros

4. London Beckoned Songs About Money Written by Machines - Panic! at the Disco - A Fever You Can't Sweat Out

5. Every Heart - BoA - Inyasha Soundtrack

6. Wolf 359 - Star Trek TNG soundtrack

7. Father’s Day - Doctor Who Soundtrack Series 1&2

8. Life’s a Show - Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Once More with Feeling

9.  Getting Better - The Beatles - Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band

10. After the Chase - Doctor Who Soundtrack Series 3

11. The Stalking Song - InsideOut A Capella- Also given to me by a friend(<a=href”https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2VP4VSzNGzQ“>It’s on youtube</a>)

12. Affirmation - Savage Garden - Affirmation

13. Supermassive Black Hole - Muse - Black Holes and Revelations

14. You Are the One - Shiny Toy Guns - We are Pilots

15. Updraught - Zoe Keating - One Cello X 16

Huh. Not nearly as random and eclectic as I usually get. Full disclosure: I skipped over the hypno-birthing relaxation technique that came up, because well, it’s not music. I’m doing a few extra to compensate, and because half are from orchestral soundtracks.

I don’t have ten people I interact with on here, so  @irisbleufic, @butterflyinthewell, @quantum-witch and @reginaisthegoodone, if they want to.

1-10

your favorite face claims

devery jacobs is the only one that matters . i like brianna hildebrand & rose leslie too . natalie dormer . OH and logan browning . maika monroe & maisie williams , of course . zoe kravitz & ruth negga are doing amazing . TARAJI P HENSON & IDRIS ELBA!! uh , sofia boutella if she had more resources . im sure there are so many more but like , this is all i can think of rn .

your least favorite face claims

colin farrell . thas all i gotta say . i don rlly like ian somerhalder either .

face claims that you are dying to use

DEVERY JACOBS!! EVERYONE UPLOAD MORE OF HER SHOWS / MOVIES I NEEDA GIF THEM!!!!!!

face claims that you are dying to play against

taraji tbh . id love to play against an amandla stenberg too . oh also taron egerton bc i watched kingsman recently . hes hawt af .

your favorite original-verse oc (or one of your favorites)

i always loved the amber heard from that other ask . she was one of my first children that actually developed as a person . doing amazing sweety .

your favorite fandom oc (or one of your favorites)

one of my old ocs , named charlotte lancaster . a truly iconic chara , really fit her leo personality . obviously , in the x men fandom :sob:

your favorite oc who isn’t yours (or one of your favorites)

uh um uh um … i rlly like this one person’s oc on their indie?? i don wanna link them though bc .. i don wanna embarrass myself LKSDJFNV anyways ..

your favorite fandom character to have played

arya stark would be my favourite , hands down .

a fandom character who you would really like to play

AUDREY HORNE!! i rlly wanna play her in smth .

a fandom character who you would like to interact with

jake paul , please & thank u .

send me a number from this roleplay meme

❝ don't worry, I'll be here when you're awake. ❞ - zoe

✷ 𝐏𝐑𝐎𝐌𝐏𝐓 𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓 ; FLUFF EDITION ( . 01 ) | @overnightheartbeats

❝ don't worry, I'll be here when you're awake. ❞

Even with his comforting words, Zoe couldn’t quite settle just yet. What kind of person invites their semi-not-quite-ex boyfriend to come over after persistently demanding space? Especially so late at night…but she didn’t know who else to call at the time. The only person she could think of was Eric. He plagued all of her thoughts, every morning, noon, and night. “I’m sorry…” she murmured, her fingers fiddling with the duvet, her eyes fixated on the broken clock ticking out of time on the wall. A loaded statement coming from her. After realising she never quite finished her train of thought with her apology, she cleared her throat awkwardly, a sigh escaping her lips. “Sorry for…” The words caught in her throat, like something was fighting her, weighing her tongue down heavily to stop herself from blurting out her pathetic apologies: Sorry for hurting you. Sorry for being the way I am. Sorry for ruining us. Sorry for all…this. Sorry for it all. Sorry for everything. “Sorry for getting you out of bed at this time for something that was nothing after all that messing around.”  

It was embarrassing, really. It had been at least two days since she’d managed to get any sleep and it was starting to make her irate (more than she already was) and paranoid. She could chalk it up to several different things but there were several times where she thought she was being followed… and when she came home from a late shift to find the door unlocked, it shook her up. Normally, she was ready for a fight, always ready to defend herself (something she could thank her ever shitty ass parents and the people they dragged in and out of her life for before she finally found her escape) at any cost but this had completely caught her off guard. After searching her place top to bottom, including every hidden nook and cranny, all of her hiding spaces and the hiding spaces within those hiding spaces to make sure nothing was removed, she sat there trying to devise her next moves listening to every single sound in the vast quietness and darkness of her home. Her place wasn’t very big, just small enough for the basics, really. It was only her after all. Since being back, it felt way too big. It was eerily silent, and the Eric shaped gap in her life forced by her made it only worse. It felt so very wrong after being accustomed to his place, after she moved in so they could stay together and ensure each other’s safety with the danger stemming from what was going on with Eric’s family. In the dead of the night, that was when it dawned on her - why this could be happening. A distraction, perhaps? If either one of them were in danger… being separated from him… the rush of panicked realisation was what had her scrambling for her phone, his number on speed dial. As soon as he answered, a sigh of relief escaped her and normally able to sound detached in her tone, she couldn’t conceal the concern. Quickly uttering things like ‘I just needed to check…are you okay?’ and ‘Me? Yeah, I’m fine… actually. No. Things really aren’t right around here. Can you come over? It’s okay if you can’t. I don’t even know what I was thi-you can? Okay then. See you soon. Thank you. I lo-See you soon.’ Why she felt the need to invite him over was another question entirely. She spoke to him…He was okay. And yet still something persuaded her to ask him over. A fresh pair of eyes, that’s what she convinced herself of in the end. Someone who wasn’t her…Problem was, there weren’t a lot of people she trusted. As for Eric, he was at the top of the list of those she did. Not that it was a very long list… then again, the list may have begun and ended with him. Even with their relationship tangled in knots, there was nobody she trusted more than she did with him; they couldn’t even come close. As expected, he arrived within minutes, he was here and Zoe tried her best to give him the rundown. The worry engraved into his features tugged at her heartstrings and instantly she wished she hadn’t bothered him. The words she once told him in desperation and anguish bitterly reminded her of the word she’d once inflicted: I’m not a damsel and I’m not in distress. Tonight was proof that those words couldn’t be further from the truth.

It was a relief to see him, to see him up close and real. Not just the familiar voice over the phone, or a text message here and there. It felt like an eternity had passed since she last saw him and seeing Eric again stirred up all of the emotions she tried so hard to burrow down deep inside her. He didn’t look like he’d been sleeping much either. Like he was feeling just as rough as she had. His hair a bit out of place, the shirt he was wearing slightly rumpled up from what she assumed he’d been sleeping - or trying to - sleep in. And yet he was still the most beautiful thing she’d ever seen.

It was like he’d literally jumped right out of bed to see her, which both warmed and broke her heart at the same time. How willing he still was even after everything she put him through. In the dead of night, they had a second look around to make sure nothing was out of place or that nobody happened to be lurking around. They searched every room from top to bottom, two pairs of eyes on everything this time. When they were both satisfied that all was well, and that maybe Zoe was running on fumes due to overexhaustion and that maybe - though Eric never explicitly stated it - she was well and truly paranoid. Which led to this moment, Zoe sitting up, her body under thick blankets with him perched at the edge of her bed, close enough she could reach out and touch him but it wouldn’t be enough. “I just feel like an idiot,” she muttered under her breath, “Getting you out of bed in the dead of night for nothing but to prove that I’ve finally lost it and...” Finally, she looked at him, rushing her words out a little before he had the chance to reply. Judging by the look in his eyes, he disagreed with her, about being an idiot at least. She shook her head in silent protest, a sigh combined with a yawn escaping her lips. Funny, how despite everything, they could still have a conversation without words. 

That was the problem though, wasn’t it? When words weren’t involved, they could communicate perfectly. It was just words that were difficult. But not even that… the problem was Zoe’s inability to handle problems like a normal person. Her problem was not being forthright and as open as Eric had been with her. And immediately jumping to the defense over the smallest thing, which inevitably landed them in their current predicament. Which was why she was trying to sleep - and failing - in her own damn bed and not his/formerly theirs anymore. At a loss of anymore words, she couldn’t tear her gaze away from him, like he might evaporate into thin air the second she averted her eyes. Even though he literally just promised her he would stay until she was awake. He deserved so much better. Those wretched thoughts of self hatred racked her brain once more, begging to swallow her whole. It was like trying to walk through the fog but never reaching the clear. But Eric was like the light that would lead the way, guide her to him. 

“You should sleep with me.” The words were out before Zoe had a chance to word them in a better way. What she said never even clicked until she saw his face contort with confusion, mouth opening and closing a few times like he was scrambling for something to say because he hadn’t expected it either. “Oh. I didn’t mean…” She could blame the exhaustion seeping in. She hadn’t slept in days. That was a perfectly acceptable excuse, right? “I meant…you said you’d stay until I woke up and I know that shitty couch is uncomfortable as fuck from my own experience. You’ll get a bad back, so…” She paused, clearing her throat as her memory brought her back to their last moment as a them, involving a couch - his - and how less comfy hers was compared to that one. Being snuggled up in his arms, his hands on her skin, both love and despair brought on by her own wrongdoing and misunderstanding. The last time she felt whole. Back to reality. “So, um. You’re not sleeping there. I know we’re not…but you can sleep here. Much comfier. Just…take off your shoes.” A slight hint of a smile pulled at the corner of her lips as she shuffled over, pulling the duvet down for him and patting it in an attempt to beckon him. 

It was then, and only then, Zoe felt like she could finally settle down. The calmness his presence brought to her, the sound of his breathing put her at ease and quietened all the noise in her head. She faced him as he settled down beside her, watched how he had no problem getting comfy, but it was like he was somewhat trying to keep a distance. She couldn’t blame him for that, she ended it after all. But instinctively, she urged slightly closer. It was selfish, really, but she couldn’t help herself. Sighing softly, she let her eyes close as she sank down into her pillows, into well needed rest. “Thank you, for being here, for coming here,” she murmured like a hushed secret, like the darkness would hold her secrets close to her chest. “And for what it’s worth, I really have missed you,” she trailed off as sleep called out to her, unsure why the words slipped out but it was the truth. If she’d been less exhausted and more lucid, she probably could’ve stopped herself. It was selfish, it was unfair of her to say this to Eric after all she’d put him through. But it was the last thing she’d uttered before she fell asleep, and by the time she woke up, she probably wouldn’t remember. 

☎️ - zoe <3

Send ☎️ And I Will Tell You:

What My Muse Has For Your Muse's Contact Info: Fave🥺 honestly shes not one for changing names on her phone really. (Except for her parents who are named Birth Giver and Sperm Donor. That's if she even has their right numbers and tbh is unsure why she has them BUT ANYWAY). Eric is her fave and regardless of their relationship she'll keep him as her fave because that hasn't changed :( as for the emoji idk he's cute and the emoji is cute and reminds her of him. If it were anyone else it would be just their name but he gets preferential treatment always <333

What Their Ringtone Is: Zoe is not one for setting ringtones for people because she doesn't see the point when she doesn't make many phone calls and when she receives them, she ignores them lmfao!! but her current one for Eric is Running up That Hill by Placebo, it just hurts a bit so she definitely has an instrumental version so she doesn't have to listen to it as such. Also, she really likes that song too.

The Last Text They Sent Your Muse: [UNSENT]: i made so many mistakes but going wrong with you was the biggest of all. if i could start over again, i would. we deserve a fresh start but it's too late. correction: you deserve a fresh start. one without me. // [UNSENT]: thank you for everything. i'm sorry. i'm so fucking sorry. i love you. i'm sorry. i love you. // [UNSENT]: you've still got some of your shirts here. if you want them. but if you do, can i hold onto them a little while longer? they still smell like you. // [SENT]: Please just let me go. You're making everything harder than it needs to be. (Honestly, there are probably loads of other unsent messages. Ones with words she could never verbalise to him but she deleted those just as fast too.)

What Image My Muse Has For Your Muse In Their Phone: Ahh, Zoe is not the best at taking photos but she has plenty of him <3 The first one she just loves so so much because he looks adorable. And of course, she would take the photo when he wasn't even looking at the camera! Then the second one? It purely embraces Eric being a complete but loveable dork. Which one is it currently? Who knows? I genuinely don't know tbh because the second one reminds her of happier times, of him being his cutiepie self but the first one is just such a precious one that makes her yearn for their relationship yet again and instant regret for all the hurt she's caused :(

Accepting | @overnightheartbeats

❛❛ Everything hurts. Being with you is the only good thing in the world anymore. ❜❜ (Zoe & Eric - I'm being generous and giving you options lmfao)

The urge to plead with him, to beg him not to utter those words, surged through Zoe's veins. To some people, that was all they wanted to hear… except for the ‘everything hurts’ part. Some may have even thought it was sweet or romantic… but all Zoe felt was despair. Each syllable shattered her already fragile heart, reminding her of the self-doubt she had carried for years. There were a lot of things she had thought about herself, had convinced herself to believe over the years.  "Good" was not one of them, let alone being the "only good" thing. It was a lot of pressure to live up to and maintain. A pit of dread nestled in her stomach. What if Eric changed his mind? What if he discovered she wasn't the person he believed her to be? The fear of disappointing or hurting him haunted her. What if she failed him again? Would that mean he believed there was nothing else good in his life?

That was morbid and she couldn’t bear it. But what was she supposed to say to him? The last thing Zoe wanted to do was hurt him. In that vulnerable moment, he was in pain. And she adored him with all her heart, more than she had ever loved anything else in the world. She’d go to great lengths to ensure his happiness. But to constantly be the only source of happiness for him? She didn’t want him to hold such high expectations of her. It was an expectation she knew would lead to disappointment in the long run.

Once upon a time, the mere thought of such high expectations would have driven her to run. But now, she understood better. She was better. Did the thought cross her mind? Absolutely… but after already doing it once before, only to return to him, grateful for his forgiveness and the chance to rebuild trust. She owed him not to run again when the going got tough.  Zoe feared stepping out of line, of breaking him.

What did he even see in her? She couldn’t fathom it. Her whole life, she’d been told otherwise. Treated like vermin. Her own parents couldn’t stand her and only wanted her when it suited them, when she could be of use to them and nothing more than that, doing their dirty work when they deemed her old enough to be useful. And then when she reached adulthood and found a way to be free of them, they found her again, scrounging money she worked hard for to fuel their own nasty addictions. Alcohol, drugs, gambling, the lot. She was silly enough to give them all she had, to keep them off her back. Even if that meant going without food, gas or electricity, even if it meant not being able to cover rent and having to couch surf with some friends for a while. If it meant they wouldn’t pester her anymore or try to lure her into their awful ways once more, it was worth it. But she found her way in the end. Clawed her way up and out of the rubble -- Survivors always did.

So, with the situation regarding Eric’s parents and other people being involved, Zoe understood more than most what it was like. Which was why she never bat an eye when he told her about them, even if it meant neither of them were safe. She never knew what it was like to be safe, not completely. It didn’t faze her.

But Eric talking like this? That terrified her. Almost terrified enough for her to want to run again – but she came this far to scramble for an ounce of happiness; and that’s what she had with him. Happiness. Joy. Love. So much love. She would be an idiot to consider throwing everything they had away again just because she was afraid. Zoe lost him once; she would rather walk through hell (though one could argue that’s a place she’s already been many times before) before losing him again because she feared the future, of what was to come. And she wasn’t an idiot – she knew damn well if she pulled a move like that again, there would be no room for forgiveness next time.

But how could she express all of this to him? How could she ask him not to say things like that without worsening his pain? Zoe had never been the warm, comforting type of girl, simply because she never knew how to be. Her defining talent was her ability to keep people at arm’s length, to not left them in, to be stoic to keep herself away from getting hurt. Yet, with Eric, everything was different. He melted away her icy exterior and tore down her walls. As much as she wanted to ask him – beg him – to not say such things, she needed to be there for him in that present moment. Normally, in a situation where she would fire back with words like telling him not to say shit like that. This time was different. Different because he needed her, and she had no plans to turn her back on him. Not now, not ever. It would be tricky, but oh, she was trying.

"Hey, come here," she finally broke the silence, her voice soft as she beckoned him. Slowly, she settled on his lap, facing him directly. A weak yet affectionate smile graced her lips as she wrapped her arms around his neck. Her fingertips ran gently through his hair, drawing him closer to her. Resting her chin on top of his head, she kept her other hand at the back of his neck, securing their connection. "It won't always feel like this," she assured him, her voice filled with tenderness. She couldn't be certain, but she held onto hope – dangerous but necessary in that moment. Urging him closer, she whispered, "We'll be okay. We have to be." Upon realising how sharp and curt it almost sounded, she added quickly, "And, um, more importantly, because we have each other." She was certain of their love and support for each other. Now, how could she address his fear without unintentionally making it about her? Maybe a joke?

Summoning courage, she attempted a light-hearted approach. "Once we get you out of here for a bit, you'll realise there are plenty more good things in the world. Like... like pizza! Obviously. We need to open your eyes," she said almost playfully, a hint of a grin on her lips. Lifting her head to meet his gaze, she continued, "We've been cooped up in here for far too long. It's making you delusional."

[text] It's not going to work out. - zoe

[TEXT]: k then [TEXT]: don't say i didn't try [TEXT]: actually u know what. no. it's supposed to be a break but u keep making it into a Not Break because you keep fucking messaging me! i don't know what you want me to do, eric [TEXT]: i asked for space and you said you'd give me that and you're not. so 'it's not going to work out' my ass [TEXT]: maybe it would if you tried a bit harder ffs. if you're not gonna bother trying then pls just leave me be

@overnightheartbeats | text message prompts ;; accepting

[text]: You ever ask yourself if birds see a bee and just go ‘wow a bee’? im high. - zoe (feeling generous haha)

[TEXT]: no because why the fuck would i be thinking about birds or bees? i'm not sure if birds even have any thoughts [TEXT]: you good? wtf have you been taking? should i be worried? [TEXT]: this isn't because of me, is it? please tell me you're not high because of me.

@overnightheartbeats | text message prompts ;; accepting

📸 - zoe <3

Send a 📸 to see 3-5 pictures that my muse has/has taken of your muse(s) | @overnightheartbeats | Accepting!

Maybe they went to see Dougie while he was dogsitting for another friend! And the doggos took a liking to Eric lmao! (Understandable!) Zoe had to take this photo because who doesn't love a photo of their boyfriend & dogs? A perfect combo. She likes to joke that it totally looks like an album cover and could pass as such. (Nobody asked but for the record, Doug definitely agrees) Also what are they all looking at? It's a good question. Eric's trying to figure that one out too.

This one is... self-explanatory, I think. How could she not want to take this picture? LMAOOO. It's Eric's turn to cook dinner and of course, Eric would go all out for Zoe, with the chef's hat and apron just to make Zoe smile & laugh - which he definitely succeeds with! He is definitely satisfied with himself ahahahaha and god it just makes her love him even more than she already thought was possible. :')

3. Awww they went out for drinks hehe and Zoe thought it was a nice environment to take a photo of him. She was trying to be really sneaky but failed because as she took the photo, she caught him looking over at her. Which is fine, because the photo turned out to be really cute in the end :)

4. Probably taken as they were heading out of the hotel on their little weekend away :) Zoe thought he really rocked the shades, so naturally, she had to take a photo to commemorate it! He looks chilled out and relaxed and that's how she loves him :') he may or may not have been in the middle of talking but there's that little smile she loves so very much :)

5. ANOTHER ONE FROM THAT WEEKEND AWAY. Oh, she loves this one so much. Eric just chilling on an inflatable swan. He looks so content here. Whether or not he's asleep is up for debate: she thinks so, even if he disagrees. She adores how random it all is ahaha and it brings back fun memories. Like him, she too took plenty of photos from that weekend because all the little memories makes it all worth it.

6. BRB just catch me over here sobbing over pizza. :( Hoping this one for a time in the future when they finally get that pizza they so deserve. <3 Manifesting it.

"You are an expert at sorry and keeping the lines blurry" - for zoe (oops...)

The worst part about this was how right Eric was, how it hit home and resonated with painful accuracy. It was the truth she had always known, yet hearing it spoken directly from him, his voice, made it all the more agonising. There was no malice behind his tone, no hostility in the words but she could feel the weight of his disappointment radiating from him. It left her grasping for an explanation, a way to try and figure out the complex emotions still lingering between them.

It was she who had demanded space, her who had pushed him away and royally screwed up their relationship, and yet she found herself drawn back to him time and time again. She told herself it would be the last time, that she needed to let him heal and move on. But the truth was, she longed to check on him, to make sure he was okay—alive. Given his…family issues. Yes, she missed him, with a depth that words failed to capture. Her love for him clung to her soul, burned into her skin like a tattoo – permanent. A constant reminder of the love he had given her before she discarded it and let it burn to ashes.

And yes, maybe she did miss him more than words could ever say. And she still loved him, wholeheartedly; she thought she always would. The sick and twisted irony of it all. It had only been a few weeks ago when she had told him she needed space, that she was suffocating the more she was around him and needed to catch her breath. Yet in her isolation, in her newfound ‘freedom’ she soon discovered how difficult it had been to breathe without him, like she was running out of air even quicker with him no longer in her presence. Even now, sitting beside him, Zoe found herself holding her breath, questioning if she had ever truly known what it meant to breathe? Would she spend the rest of her lifetime gasping for air, always in search of the oxygen needed to survive this cold, unforgiving world?

Was being there and seeing Eric a cruel infliction of self-punishment or a feeble attempt to atone for her sins?  The easy answer and the complicated answer were the same: both. Both. It was always both.

“I know it might be hard to see but I really am trying, Eric,” Zoe finally confessed, her voice laced with sincerity as she cradled her head in her hands, as though she carried the weight of the world in her brain. It kind of did, in a way – he was her world, after all.  

It felt like every time they were about to take a step forward, they’d take two steps back. It wasn’t a lie – she really was trying, even if it didn’t look like it. Zoe was usually quick to switch to defense – or at least she always thought it was defense when in reality it was taking things up a notch and playing offense when it was uncalled for. It was all she’d ever known and found it difficult to see sense when she felt like she was being attacked, like someone always taking a hundred punches to her stomach. A reminder that she was a fuck up, all she was capable of was fucking things up, that she was no better than her parents.

Most of the time it was her fault; she simply did not know how to let those impenetrable walls fall, worried what she would have to stand with if she didn’t have them. She knew he was exhausted, worn down to the bone by her constant fighting as she tried to shield herself from vulnerability and weakness. In reality…Eric was her weakness. Always. She would never be able to do enough to make amends but she had to at least try. How did he not see the battle she constantly warred with herself, the effort she exerted to protect him from herself? Was it really so difficult to comprehend he was the sole occupant of her thoughts every waking day and night, despite how she left things, that even though she wasn’t good at showing it, she loved him desperately? Nobody else on the planet could compare. That, she was certain of.

She had no time to pity herself. Zoe would take whatever he needed to inflict upon her to cope. It was her penance. And honestly the fact he still had time for her spoke volumes in itself. Yet every conversation seemed to lead to… to this, the circle of hurt. What was the point? Hadn’t they already fucked up enough? She still wanted Eric to be a part of her life; she simply needed space. And although she had prepared herself for a life without him, she didn’t desire it by all means. Quite the opposite.

“What do you want from me?” she pleaded, as if that would solve all of their problems. The issue wasn’t about what he wanted from her. It was about what she refused to give him, as stubborn as a dog to a bone. To allow herself to be vulnerable around him, to offer him everything he always gave her freely, with no expectations. Maybe she really was a glutton for punishment after all forever drawn to causing chaos in the one place that had ever given her peace. “How do I…I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t know what you mean…blurry lines. I am sorry. And I’m sorry if that’s not enough. I just… I don’t know what else to do.” Zoe sighed, rubbing at her tired eyes, the shadow of crescent moons underneath, an indicator of her lack of sleep. “I’m sorry for bothering you. Again.”

@overnightheartbeats

SPEAK NOW PROMPTS | Accepting

“  why won’t you even look at me?  ” - for zoe

To say she was in a mess would be an understatement. Wracked with guilt from all the words she said and didn't say the last time she was with Eric, Zoe was back to her old tricks again, doing what she did best: self-destructing. She always said she never would be anything like her parents, but the more time went on, the more she realised the rotten apple did not fall too far from the tree after all. Was it genetics? Was there something rooted inherently in her DNA that made her this? It felt like a piece of her had died inside, the horrible things she said to the love of her life eating her up, infecting her like a vicious disease. She needed to forget.

Drinking wasn't exactly something Zoe did all that often. She saw the repercussions of excessive drinking, addictions, and the likes of her mom and dad. But her mind was too full, and her heart too lonely, and if she didn't go out and do something then she might completely lose it. Besides, that was what she wanted, wasn't it? To go out, to be free without worrying what dangers might be lurking around every corner. She made her bed; it was time to sleep in it. On the occasions she did 'let loose,' she went completely all out. She managed to persuade one of her friends, Freya to tag along. Not that she really had friends as such. Friends may have been a tad extreme. They were more like people she knew, for she never allowed anyone to get close enough to reach friendship status. But for that night, she was a friend.

And that night, Zoe consumed way too much alcohol, knocking back shots like she was eating sweets, unable to remember the last time she'd even had a drink like that. Of course, things got messy. She managed to intentionally start a fight between an innocent couple by going up to the boy and claiming he was having an affair with her, which in turn ended up with chaos ensuing and a drink of sorts tipped over her head. To stop her friend from making an even bigger show of herself, Freya somehow managed to drag Zoe into the toilets and confronted her with questions about what the fuck was wrong with her to be like...well...the way she was. It seemed to trigger a meltdown from her in her drunken state, rendered her inconsolable. Babbling about Eric, the terrible way she treated him, and the awful things she said to his face. How she screwed up so badly and destroyed the only thing she ever loved. It ended with her getting into such a state that dizziness took over and she was hurling over the toilet, bringing up whatever the fuck she'd had to drink that night. Slumped against the wall, Zoe had the brilliant idea to call Eric; thankfully, Freya took the phone out of her hands and insisted it was a bad idea. But she left her to clean herself up and promised she would be back.

She didn't know how much time passed before she stopped puking, but Zoe managed to drag herself over to the sinks. It was a miracle nobody came and left, or at least she didn't remember. She washed her hands, and her face, tried to fix what remained of her makeup but it was too much of a mess. Black streaks ran down her cheeks, hair still damp from whatever was spilled on her, she looked like a mess. Zoe pulled a face at herself in the mirror, the state of her made her want to barf once more. And then...then she caught a glimpse of a person behind her but still distant. Him. Clinging to the sink so tightly her knuckles went white, and her world started spinning again. Why was he here? How did he know where she -

Freya. So that explained why she poofed without returning her phone. She was using it to call Eric. To what? Sort her out? Seeing him there, her face blanched and Zoe thought she might be sick again. Frozen in her spot, she couldn't bear to look at him, her focus turning immediately to the water swirling down the drain. Perhaps looking down wasn't the best option as her dizziness flared up once more, the world around her spinning. "Youshouldn'tbehere," she said all at once, her words slurring together it would be a miracle if her understood her. She couldn't gauge what his answer was, her attention focused on being able to stand on both feet. As long as she was looking anywhere but him. How did he even get in? Zoe looked anywhere other than him. Her back still faced him and she just avoided looking anywhere but at him. How could she? After what she had done? She wouldn't be able to look at him ever again. She was sure.

Maybe if she continued to ignore him, he would give up and leave her to it. She didn't need him to rescue her. I'm not a damsel and I'm not in distress. Words she recalled shouting at him. Words that were too painful to think about other than the classic: the more you love me, the more I hate myself. But here he was, seemingly ready to swoop in and rescue the damsel. no. She wouldn't allow him to be the wonderful, amazing guy he'd always been. He didn't need to act like the man who loved her.

Zoe wiped her hands on her jeans and slid down the wall, her back pressed against the cold and her butt on the freezing tiles. She brought her knees up to her chest and pressed her face into them, squeezing her eyes shut.

"Why won't you even look at me?" that was the first thing her brain acknowledged from everything else he'd been saying. Her eyes burned with tears and she hiccuped, her heart clenching once more.

"Why do you think?" Zoe mumbled, fresh tears managing to trickle down her cheeks despite her eyes being closed. Nausea swirled in the pit of her stomach, and sweat beads clung to her forehead firmer than a dog with a bone. "Eric, the things I said -" she choked out, a sob she couldn't hold back slipping through. She was sweaty, damp, and gross and hoped he wouldn't come any closer to her, she didn't want to puke all over his shoes. If she wasn't so inebriated, she would have just held it all back and demanded he leave. Now she was on the floor, she wasn't sure she would be able to get back to her feet. Not with him there, seeing her so distraught and disheveled. A disgrace. "How am I supposed to look at you ever again? I need you to go. You need to" She sniffled, still refusing to look at him. Zoe couldn't handle seeing his pained face, how heartbroken he may have looked. It would be too much. "I'll be fine. You don't need to see me like this. Freya shouldn't have called you. She should've just - you need to go. I'm fine," she kept repeating being fine, her hands wiping at her face, furious with how much she was showing herself up. "Can't get up yet anyway. Think I might be sick again."

some angst idk y’all i like crying | Accepting

"not even the poets could properly describe what you mean to me." - for zoe

There's a pause as Zoe peers across at him, slurping through the straw of her blue raspberry slushie. She doesn't break eye contact as she somehow manages to suck the sludgy liquid extra loud for the extra pizzazz. Sluuuuuuuuurp. She could practically feel the pissed-off stares of others sitting around them, the intensity of their horrified looks burn into the back of her head but she doesn't care. Her eyes are only on Eric, unable to help the way the smile tugs at her lips. Especially when he's spouting cute shit like that, stuff she has yet to master the art of replying to.

Finally, after a few extra long seconds to spite the people giving her weird looks, Zoe pulls away from the straw, allowing the flavoured crushed ice to swirl around in her mouth a bit longer. It is then she swallows in one big gulp, the chill knocking the back of her throat as it goes down. Brain freeze hits, causing the brunette to grimace, her nose scrunching up. Her shoulders relax, and she lets out a shuddering sigh as she recovers, perching both elbows against the table. Her fingers clasp together and she rests her chin on top of them. "You are...so bizarre," she finally speaks, the smile on her face growing wider, her lips stained blue. As if that whole fiasco wasn't proof of her being equally weird. It's her own way of saying 'same,' 'ditto,' or 'I love you too.' It's her expression of love and he knows that, she's sure. She always admires how he makes everything sound cute, even though it's cheesy as hell. It's...nice... Different. She never will get used to it.

"I don't care how poets would describe me. The only person whose opinion I care about is yours," she admits then, quietly, almost bashfully. As though she's sharing a secret with him. "Unless you decide to become a poet suddenly then...I may or may not be interested. That's the only special exception. The only one." Zoe flashes him a grin then, ducking back to her straw, drinking the slushie as obnoxiously loud as the first time. As though she never said anything at all.

PROMPTS FOR YEARNING...LOTS OF YEARNING. | Accepting

👄💀

👄: Which of your muses would probably get sexual with each other, if they met?

omg. That is interesting. I’ve thought about this plenty of times in a verse where they are all connected. (This be a thing though I haven’t fully meddled with it because effort sdjlsgg).  But unless they’re drunk off of their asses or something, I don’t think they’d get sexual with each other upon first meeting sldkjgslg.

A definitive NO would be: Dougie/Lydia because Lydia scares the crap out of Doug without even trying. She thinks he’s cute but not in a ‘I-would-have-sex-with-him’ kinda cute. Also Lydia/Logan. I think this one’s hilarious because thinking about it ages ago, I HC’d that Logan used to have a thing for Lydia but she stuck him in the friendzone lmao. This only amuses me even more now because Danielle and Lydia share the same FC. Logan has a type I’m creasing lsdkgsaldgdgsd. 

Possbilities: Doug/Pippa. They’re both sweethearts who have been through Too Much Shit, both from the UK, I could ship it lmao. I think they’d have to be dating for things to escalate to a stage of sexual interactions hahaha. Although HIGHLY UNLIKELY, I wouldn’t say no to Aaron/Lydia. They get on each others nerves and well, maybe that would be their way of diffusing the tension lmfao. (Not in the verse with Aaron/Odette tho because Odette and Lydia are pals and Lydia ain’t about to get in the mids of that kldjglsdgjalsgd). I was about to say Tommy and Zoe but then I realised their FCs and I swear that was not deliberate dkgjslgjlsdg. But I do think they would lmfao. Another unlikely pairing could be Alfie and Aaron TBH but I’m waffling enough.

I know this sounds more shippy than who would boink but hey maybe not I’ve given it all too much thought either way ldkgjslddg

💀: Which of your muses would probably fight each other if they met?

Lydia and Aaron would get on each other’s nerves so I’d imagine they’d forever be bickering and winding the other up. Eventually, Aaron would let Lydia win even if she’s not in the right – she’s too stubborn and hotheaded and eventually he’d just have to shush because chances are something else would distract him.

I also think Zoe and Tess wouldn’t see eye to eye funnily enough. Tessa has more of a positive outlook on life whereas Zoe is more realistic – and can be pretty cynical. Both have strong opposing opinions so I could imagine they’d clash.

I do wonder about Logan and Aaron tbh because they are similar in many ways. Are they too similar? I dunno. I think Logan and Alfie would clash because Alfie’s too serious and Logan would tell him to lighten up a bit lkdjglskgsdg.

MUNDAY MEME - MULTIMUSE EDITION | ACCEPTING

[ 📲• sms ] —maybe I can stay the night with you tomorrow (Zoe & Eric)

[ 📲• sms ] —maybe I can stay the night with you tomorrow (Eric)

[TEXT]: wut[TEXT]: DON’T TAKE THAT AS A NO PLEASE OGLSDGDG[TEXT]: i was idk...not expecting that.[TEXT]: it’s not a problem, i just need to clean up a bit first[TEXT]: sooooo the not-so-longwinded answer: yeah, maybe you can 😊

TEXT MESSAGES | ACCEPTING.

1). is there a muse that you wish gets more attention? 2.) if you HAD to choose, who’s your favorite muse?

1. Is there a muse that you wish gets more attention? 

Oh gosh, probs any of my girls tbh? I think it’s my own fault that some don’t get as much attention but I know sometimes it is because people typically favour male muses over females which is???? dumb. But I’m keeping my mouth shut so I don’t have people come at me for expressing my opinion lmfao. If I had to specify a muse then probably Adele since she only has like...one thread going (with you heheh) and probably Zoe because she barely has threads going too c:

2.If you HAD to choose, who’s your favourite muse?

This is probably very obvious but Doug, easy peasy. He’s my baby who I’d like to protect (yet I still love making him suffer) but yeah, he’s a darling and how could I not pick him?

ASKS FOR MUNS WITH MULTIMUSE/MORE THAN ONE MUSE | Accepting.