hello ^^ it's been a while, but im in uni right now and have been in "recovery" for... a while...

it's difficult, because as much as my body is now being nourished and stuff, i still havent changed mindsets. i still want to starve and i still want to be skinny but im not and it's difficult. it's really really difficult lol i hate myself a lot

i cant afford to fast though, because when i fast, i get terrible brain fog that holds me back from my studies. it's really really bad and can be scary because i feel euphoric until i eat something and then i realize how stupid i was acting. i could get away with it in hs but not in uni, and i cant afford to fail out. i need this degree. i need it so bad i can't even begin to explain. i'm willing to feel like shit and look like shit every day just to get it and it's really really hard

but we'll see, maybe i can start small...? just cutting out one or two things. not quite fasting but definitely losing weight. idk. i can toe the line between diet and ed. we'll see

just had the most mentally ill thought i think i've ever had and all i can do is laugh about it because it's that or i cry

ok i won't lie... as disordered as i may be, ibs is not fun and i do NOT like having it!! like ok great free lax but also holy shit ow!!!!!

my mother always seems to make food that she wants me to eat on days when i planned on fasting all day, and it's both sweet because aww, you put in that much effort just for me? wow i feel special! and annoying because jesus fuck mother i am trying to starve over here god fucking damn it

the only plus to my having ibs and being severely lactose intolerant is that literally anything could be a laxative for me. dairy? yep. sriracha? of course. a full course balanced meal? mhm. rice cakes and nothing else? absolutely. literally just being really stressed/sad/upset? oh for sure.

i had recovered for a little while but i think i just relapsed because of timoth3e chal@met and i'm so angry about that (not about the relapse just about the timothy fucking chalmalet part)

every now and then i have my Best An0rexic arc and then i remember i have ednos and get trapped in the WORST binge cycle hello

where tf did all my new followers come from?? anyway here's my october tracker, i made it on smth someone from edtwt made

here's to a good october!

so yesterday i decided to let myself have a couple chips as a celebration of making over $1000 in sales at work. my sister had friends over and my mom said "yeah the kids didn't eat as much as i thought they would but they're all so skinny so it makes sense" and then i sat there in shock for a second.. then i got up and threw out the chips

listening to weight loss subs while studying for my classes is one of my fav ways to motivate myself to actually do the work

society when i can get away with buying a fucking scale again

my part-time retail job has become my new best friend... the entire time u have to be walking around and standing so u get 10k-11k steps in one shift alone and burn 400-odd more cals than usual

wow soleil you are so funny!! tell more shitty jokes please

when i think "i'm hungry" while i'm fasting it's not only in an "ohh😢😢 im so hungry 😟😢💔💔" kind of way but also in an "ohh 🥰🥰 im so hungry 🥰😌🙌🙏🥳" kind of way so it all kind of cancels out to not feeling any hunger

when i think "i'm hungry" while i'm fasting it's not only in an "ohh😢😢 im so hungry 😟😢💔💔" kind of way but also in an "ohh 🥰🥰 im so hungry 🥰😌🙌🙏🥳" kind of way so it all kind of cancels out to not feeling any hunger

so, i went climbing yesterday, and although it's too soon to tell if i've had any results, i had loads of fun. it's really engaging for ur arm and leg muscles, and ur core depending on what types of routes u do

i only climbed for like 1 hour and it wiped me out lol, idek how many calories i burnt— however, the average for climbing is 500-900 cals per hour. that being said, do i trust that number? no. i really don't, because u have to take breaks in between climbs, but it's probably over 200, because you really have to engage your entire body. maybe at higher levels you burn more cals?

i can't reply w this @ because it's a side blog but to the one person in my replies, i'll keep u updated no problem

my local climbing gym is opening up again on friday so i'm really hoping that i can get in a ton of good sessions to burn as many cals as i can

my local climbing gym is opening up again on friday so i'm really hoping that i can get in a ton of good sessions to burn as many cals as i can