crowsmybeloveds - Tumblr blog

crowsmybeloveds · 2 years

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No bc im not ready either tbh

I’m so glad you’ve enjoyed it this much it means a lot ❤️

Shadow and Bone Series: Chapter Fifteen

The Unsea

Pairing: Jesper Fahey x Reader

Summary: With dwindling funds and moral, Crows struggle to find a safe way back home.

Word Count: 7.6K

Warnings: Past (physical, emotional, sexual) abuse; Drug use; canon typical violence; roofies; Pekka Rollins; the Menagerie; it gets a lil frisky

A/N: omg the second to last chapter wtf I’m not ready :( but anyway I was actually really happy with this one so hopefully you guys like it too! This upcoming week I’m gonna work on some requests and then the week after I’ll work on the next chapter (the final one for now :() As always, any kind of feedback is much appreciated cuz it’s so fun to hear you guys’ thoughts and reactions!

Masterlist

It was like she had woken from a nightmare only to find herself in a new one.

The second she had swallowed the potion, she regretted it. She had been craving her jurda for weeks now, having stopped taking it just before the trip, but somehow, after finally getting what she longed for, she felt exponentially worse.

The potion worked great in the first hour, but in that first hour, her high was drowned out by guilt rising her throat and her worry for her injured friend. Now, she just craved it even more than she had before. She cursed herself. Dumbass, just when it was getting easier, you had to fuck it up.

When they finally settled at an abandoned barn, Inej’s skin was paler than they had ever seen it. She had lost a lot of blood. Y/N and Jesper both helped her out of the carriage. They were now standing around a pile of their dwindling funds and provisions.

“Is this all we have left?” Inej asked, desperately. When no one replied, she groaned, and pulled up her shirt to reveal her wounds. Y/N helped her to the ground and kneeled beside her. Her hands shook as she stared at her, unsure what to do next. Inej gave her a confused look, before speaking to the sharpshooter, who was gagging. “Jesper, my bag.”

“Mother of Saints.” He said, handing the bag to Y/N.

Y/N grabbed a needle and thread out of the bag, and stared at the wound. Her eyes were wide, filling with tears as her panic grew in her stomach. Her hands were shaking far too much for her to stitch up her friend. Her mind was too set on wanting more jurda to focus.

Inej gave her another look, before taking the needle from her friend’s hands. Annoyed with herself, Y/N huffed and stood up. She grabbed her suitcase from the ground and shoved it into Jespers arms.

“Give her the biggest bottle of painkiller you can find,” She said, walking toward the door.

“Where are you going?” He asked with a concerned look on his face.

She stopped and faced him, refusing to make eye contact as she wiped a tear from under her eye with a shaking hand. “I just… need some air.” She said, pushing past Kaz and out of the dilapidated building.

Once she was out of the building she didn’t stop walking until she made it to a stream nearby and collapsed to the ground, heaving sobs escaping her chest. After a few moments she couldn’t continue with it, and silent tears streamed down her cheeks as she kept her hands in her hair.

Suddenly, a voice spoke up beside her. “You took some.”

She looked up at Kaz, who was standing over her with a frown on his face. Her voice was scratchy as she responded. “Yeah.”

He sat down a few feet away from her, and silence washed over them. He had expected her to argue with him, and her simple response was more unsettling to him than anything he could have imagined in his head. They watched the water in the stream struggle to pass over rocks and carry dead plants.

“It wasn’t even a mistake.” She sniffled, not daring to look at him. “Jesper gave me the two bottles and I took both before I could even stop myself. I knew which was which, and I still took it anyway.”

“When I almost made you get the jurda, I didn’t think you’d -“

“I didn’t.” She sighed. “I made it back in Ketterdam. I never meant to take it, I swear, Kaz.”

“Then why bring it?”

“In case I needed it.” She shook her head, scoffing at herself. Kaz didn’t know what to say, but she still had something on her mind. “And you know what’s so fucked? I wish I was back in that damn basement again. Because when I was there, every dumbass mistake I made was on me, and I would be punished for it. Here, everything I do has an impact on you guys. And I love you guys so damn much.” She said, her hands gesticulating wildly. “But sometimes I just can’t help myself.”

“From what?”

“Being weak,” she admitted, a crack in her voice. “Being exactly what Pekka said I was. Whether it’s to myself or to powerful men or to a stupid vial of orange liquid, I’m a slave no matter where I go.”

Kaz struggled to understand her. He normally wouldn’t care to listen to anyone be emotional about anything, but he needed her in order for them to get home. And deep down, he needed her to be okay, even if it seemed impossible.

“So, you bring some because you’re afraid you might need it.” He asked, making sure to keep his voice from sounding too concerned. “And you take it because…”

“Because I’m exhausted. Because I make stupid mistakes and feel weak without it and I know we are going to have to do something stupidly difficult to get home safely. And Jesper,” her voice cut off, a few tears running down her cheek. “Jesper is everything to me. I need him to be okay. I don’t care if I have to ruin myself to make it that way.”

Kaz nodded, deciding not to speak anymore. Y/N was done speaking as well, settling her head back into her hands. The wind brought a chill to her spine, causing goosebumps over her arms, but she appreciated it. It grounded her. A laugh came from the barn where Jesper and Inej were. Kaz’s head whipped toward it, his eyes filled with a longing he hoped Y/N wouldn’t notice.

They both decided to spend the next hour creating a fire and finding something to eat. Once it was finally created, they sat around it, relishing in the warmth. They had barely talked.

“She’s going to leave if you don’t say anything.” Y/N’s voice cut through the air, causing him to whip his head around and stare at her.

“And what if he does?” He asked, trying to sound indifferent. “She can do what she wants. Besides, she doesn’t deserve to be back under Heleen’s control.”

“But you wouldn't let that happen, right?” She has a confused look on his face. “You are the youngest gang leader in all of Ketterdam, you faked my death, and we almost kidnapped the most valuable person in the world, and I have a feeling you’ll still pull it off. You can come up with something for Inej.”

“If she wants to leave she can. You don’t seriously believe we deserve her presence even if she is in danger, do you?” He said, looking away from her. When she only replied by staring at him, he grew annoyed. His indifference had been much easier to maintain when she was discussing her own problems, not his. “What?”

“I think,” she sighed, trying to think of the right words. “I think the whole mess of what people do and don’t deserve is absolute nonsense. Because, you know, even if she should be getting a perfect life, she never will. We never get only what we ask for or only what we need. We just get… stuff.”

“How articulate.”

She scowled at him. “I’m trying to reach out here, Kaz. I know I’m not particularly good at it but —“

“No. You’re not.” He interrupted, turning away. “And I don’t want to hear it.”

She sat there, offended. Even though Kaz was heartless and cruel, she found that she cared about him. And she cared about Inej. She didn’t want her to go. She wanted Kaz to say something.

“I don’t care what you want Kaz.” She sniffed. “I care that my best friend is going to leave me. I care that you aren’t going to do anything about it. Please help her. Please, for once, get over yourself and talk to her. I don’t care if you never do anything good for me ever again.”

She stood up suddenly, making her way back to the barns to see the rest of friends. She passed Inej on the way, the two girls hesitating for a moment. Y/N knew from the look on her friend’s face that this might be the last time she would see her. After a moment, they both crashed into each other, in a bone crushing hug. Inej frowned when she felt Y/N’s tears on her shoulder.

“Let me come with you,” Y/N begged, her voice muffled.

“You know you can’t leave him,” Inej replied, her care for Jesper overcoming her wish to have Y/N travel alongside her. “He really loves you.”

Y/N pulled away, holding Inej by her shoulders and sniffling. “He needs you too,” she said, looking at Kaz’s repaired cane in Inej’s hand. “He’s being such a dick right now.”

Inej let out a wet laugh, but Y/N didn’t miss the way her concerned eyes flickered toward him. “I’ll see what I do, but I need to get going.”

“I’ll miss you,” Y/N said, moving past her. “If you really do leave, please be safe.”

She found Jesper sitting on the ground against one of the walls of the barn, silent tears trailing down his face. When he heard her footsteps, he wiped them away, thinking she hadn’t seen. She decided not to comment on it, knowing his way of coping with emotion was avoiding it with jokes and games. If she tried to force him to be vulnerable, he would feel attacked.

“You fixed Kaz’s cane?” She asked, sitting down next to him. She hoped it was a simple enough question that wouldn’t get him upset. She was wrong.

“Yeah,” he answered shortly, obviously distracted. His eyes and skin seemed brighter than normal, and his body was unusually calm. She looked at him, raising an eyebrow. He didn’t notice.

She struggled to come up with another topic of discussion. “Did you find the painkiller for Inej?”

“Yeah.”

Y/N frowned, “Well, is she -“

“I should have looked for you.” He said, his words blurting out of him as if he had no control over it. He gripped her hand without even noticing it. “When you were being attacked by the squaller, I just went to the meeting point while you… I should have looked for you.”

“I’m fine, Jes,” She said

“Are you? Or did you let me give you a bottle of the jurda potion just so you could breathe properly again?” He asked, disbelief in his voice. “You nearly died, and then you had to relapse just to survive because you knew I couldn’t figure out which bottle to give you. That’s just …”

His words made her heart sink. He felt that everything bad happening to her was his fault. She knew that from the beginning of their relationship he had put her on a sort of pedestal, always assuming that she was never in the wrong, but this was out of hand. She had relapsed and he was blaming it on himself, when all he was doing was trying to save her life.

And he would not stop talking. His panic at being a disappointment once again was having words stream out of his mouth faster than a wildfire. And it was getting pretty incoherent.

“…And it’s not that I mean for it to -“

“Jesper!” She shouted. He stopped speaking, placing a hand on his forehead and looking in her eyes. “I knew I was taking it.”

He froze.

“No you didn’t,” he looked to the side, thinking for a beat, then looked back up at her. “No you didn’t.”

“I did.” She felt guilt rise up in her chest when she noticed tears in his eyes. “It’s not like it was a mistake or I had some noble reason for it. I wanted it so I took it. I knew I needed it to be more alert and keep you guys safe so I took it. It’s not because of you, it's not your fault.”

“Y/N,” Jesper sighed. “You said it was getting better.”

“I know what I said,” she whispered. “But I also know that ‘better’ was still so much worse than how I was before. When I was with Pekka, you should have seen the things I was able to do. I can’t be a burden to the group.”

Jesper turned so he was sitting in front of her, facing her. He brushed her hair away from her face, putting her face in his hands. “Petal, you’re not.”

He smudged his lips all over her face, kissing away her tears as they fell.

“I'm sorry.” She mumbled, her voice cracking.

“Baby,” his voice sounded so pained, his head fell forward onto her shoulder, and her hand immediately moved to his hair. “You don’t have to apologize to me. You’re trying your best, and I’m so proud of you no matter what.” He took a deep breath, pressing a few kisses to her collarbone. “It’s not like I’m any better, I mean, Saints, I couldn’t even stop gambling when we are miles away from the club.”

She pulled him away from her shoulder, forcing him to look at her. “Love, it’s okay.”

“It's not! I am always needing to do something, and find a distraction, but I cannot find a single one right now.” He said. “You usually work just fine but now all I do is worry about you.”

“I’m a good… distraction?”

“No, that’s not what I mean,” he said, pressing the heels of his hand into his eyes. “You are infinitely more than that, I don’t mean to sound that way. You make me feel calm, but recently I just can't stop this… energy inside of me. And I…” he struggled to form the words. “I know I sound out of my mind. I know I act out of my mind.“

“Actually,” she reasoned, “it makes perfect sense. It’s scientific.”

“You think there’s something scientifically wrong with me?”

“No, it’s just. You’ve always had this energy in you, like calls to like. Every Grisha knows it. But, it’s always been reduced to potential energy, and it keeps building and building. The more you repress it, the more it begs to release. So your mind tries desperately to turn it into something kinetic. The gambling, flirting, and fighting. The way you cannot sit still. There is always an excess of energy in you even when you can feel the exhaustion in your bones.”

“Okay, but what does that mean?”

“You need to use it.”

“No,” he pulled away, shaking his head. “No, that's not right.

“Love, it could help you,” she said gently, trying not to lose her cool. “Just because some people don’t like Grisha, doesn’t mean -“

“And how has it helped you, hm?” He asked, his voice filled with annoyance as he stood up. “If you weren’t Grisha, you might be with your family, at home. Instead you’ve been bought and abused your entire life.”

“What, so there’s something wrong with me now?” She said, rising to stand in front of him.

“No, you don’t see it!” He shouted, a hand in his hair as he paced. “I don’t hate you for being Grisha, the world does! They either want to be dead, cut open and experimented on, exploited for money, or thrown into a war! There is not a single country in this world that sees you as more than something to hate or gain from. I have spent my entire time with you trying to protect you from it. I will not lose you because I was distracted by honing in on an ability I do not want!”

She crossed her arms tightly as she held back tears. How could he say that she wasn’t a burden and then go on to explain how he was holding himself back for her sake? How her being a Grisha caused him so much anguish?

“Fine,” she mumbled.

“Please, don’t feel bad,” he said, his voice softer as he looked at her. “There’s nothing wrong with you. It’s not your fault. I just can’t -“

“No, right,” She nodded, sniffling. “I get it -“

“I don’t mean,” he said desperately, seeing that he was hurting her. He didn’t mean to make her feel like he hated her for being Grisha. It just scared the shit out of him. The way she used her power based on emotion rather than reason reminded him of his mother. He couldn’t help but think they’d die the same way. “It’s just. I can’t take that risk by trying to expand my power. I have my father. A family. You don’t understand -“

He paused, knowing he had fucked up. She held in her hurt at his words, but her eyes betrayed her feelings. She stayed silent.

“Y/N -“

“No. I get it. You have a family to keep in mind. And I don’t understand,” She sniffled, backtracking away from him, toward the door. “Because I don’t have one.”

She left. He was stunned into silence.

He hadn’t meant it like that. But he knew he had fucked up and owed her an apology. How many people do you have to disappoint before you garner some self control? He couldn’t stress enough that he wasn’t angry, he was afraid. Afraid because he had almost lost her so many times since he met her. Afraid because he couldn’t control himself and his urges.

But mostly afraid because she was right.

When he was fixing Kaz’s cane just moments before Y/N came to talk with him, he felt a wave of calm wash through him. The type of thing that only happened when he was with her. But he could remember the countless scoldings, the fear in his father’s eyes, the feeling of his hands gripping the hem of his mother’s dress as his father had to pull him away from her dead body. It wasn’t right to use his powers. Not if it could end with him like that. Not if it could end with Y/N like that.

He had been foolish to not consider the loss she had felt regarding her family. He missed his mother and his father, but Y/N didn’t even know who or what she was missing. Only that she longed for it. That she would go silent when people talked of their siblings, thinking about her sister whom she was always searching for.

She wanted a family very dearly. And she had found it in the Crows, and had told Jesper as much. For him to deny that she had one was cruel, and he wasn’t sure how he’d even ask for forgiveness.

When he finally got the courage to walk out of the barn he saw the rest of his friends sitting around the fire, relishing in the warmth and discussing where they might go next.

“So we go to Kribirsk, but what then?” Y/N asked Kaz as Jesper sat down.

Kaz’s eyes stayed locked on the fire. “The train.”

“The train?” Y/N asked incredulously. She pulled out her notebook, looking for the calculations she had written in regards to their ride with the Conductor.

Her and Kaz’s voices faded into the background as Jesper made eye contact with Inej from across the fire.

You’re staying? He mouthed.

She nodded with a bit of a shrug before looking at him with hard eyes and tilting her head toward Y/N. What did you say to her?

Jesper’s blood ran cold as he forced himself to look over at Y/N, who was looking through her notebook. He couldn’t tell if her eyes were red from the jurda or from crying. He looked back at Inej. A look that said I fucked up.

After a lot of back and forth between Kaz and Y/N about the train (which mostly consisted of questions Jesper couldn’t understand) the group put out the fire and continued the journey to the Fold.

They found themselves at a village called Trepet by the next day’s sunset. Nestled just next to the Sokol River, the town was just small enough to help the group lay low and rest until the trip to Kribirsk in the morning.

The town was quaint and charming, and so was the local inn. Y/N instinctually grabbed Jesper’s hand as they walked through the door upon hearing the sound of men laughing inside. The building mainly functioned as a small bar and restaurant for the town, but upstairs they had bedrooms for visitors, which apparently they didn’t get often.

“Oh, wow.” The short woman at the front desk of the inn said, drawing out her vowels in a peculiar accent. “You kids must be tired.”

The group smiled at her from behind Kaz, unable to disagree. Everything ached.

“We just need one room,” Kaz said, holding out some bills.

“Oh, nonsense,” the woman tutted, searching for something behind the counter. “Come all the way from Ryevost and you only want one room? No one ever comes here anyway and since you kids seem so sweet…” she smiled at them, her rosy cheeks becoming more prominent. “…you can have three for the price of one.”

Before they could say anything, the woman dropped a key in Kaz’s hand, Inej’s, and Jesper’s (the woman gave a pointed look at the sharpshooter and the scientist’s interlocked hands, and whispered “since you two seem like you don’t want to be apart” with a wink).

And suddenly Y/N and Jesper were standing in the doorway of a master bedroom. It was silent. Neither of the two had any idea what to say.

Y/N was the first to move, placing her suitcase on the ground next to the side of the bed she had apparently claimed as hers. Jesper took off his coat and hung it on the rack by the door. The wood floors creaked with every step either of them took.

After a few more moments with neither of them speaking, Jesper mumbled, “you can have the first bath,” and sat on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands. Y/N nodded, and disappeared into the connected bathroom.

When she came out about twenty minutes later, he was gone. She decided she’d look around the town for him, assuming he had needed some fresh air. She knew he needed it. His words about her and her family the other day had hurt her, but she was coming to realize that they had come from a place of fear. What she had found truly frustrating and hurtful was that he felt as if he couldn’t share his problems with her.

Or was that her fault? When he tried to share with her in the barn, she tried to help him, but it only upset him. He had only needed reassurance that he would be okay, a shoulder to cry on. He had done so for her too many times. Instead, she had tried to fix his problems, and it only overwhelmed and upset him.

Yes, what he said hurt her, and he owed her an apology. But she knew she was partially to blame for the entire argument. Sometimes it seemed like they loved each other so much that the sheer depth and profoundness of their emotions made it hard to communicate.

She understood that he was overwhelmed, because she felt the same way. But normally the way they fixed it was through each other. So she decided to look for him.

She threw on a sweater and a pair of pants she had brought, slipping on her boots and Jesper’s coat from the rack near the door before walking out of the room.

When she was almost out the door of the tavern, she heard the voice of the sweet lady at the desk call out to her. “If you’re looking for your boy, he’s over by the fire, sweetheart.”

Y/N gave her a grateful smile, pulling Jesper’s coat tighter around her body as another patron entered the tavern, the open door ushering in a swift gust of cold air.

Her steps were light as she made her way over to the chair where Jesper was sitting. His eyes were glossed over, his hands shaking as he fiddled with a loose thread on the arm of the chair. She placed a hesitant hand on his shoulder. He took a deep breath and moved his hand to grip hers like it might disappear. She took the cue and wrapped her arms around his shoulders from behind, resting her cheek on his hand that rested on top of hers.

“I’m so sorry, Petal,” he said, his voice wavering as a tear sped down his cheek.

“I know,” she spoke softly in his ear, lifting her head to place a kiss on his temple. “Jes, come to bed.”

“I shouldn’t have said anything about -“

“I forgive you,” she murmured against his skin. “I understand. Please come get some sleep, baby.”

He turned his head toward her. “I hurt you.”

She sighed, looking back toward the flames in the fireplace. “You did. But I love you and I forgive you. Please make it up to me and come to bed.”

He finally relented, and she grabbed his hand and dragged her up the stairs to the room they had been given. It was getting late, and she had to assume that if Kaz and Inej ever slept, they were definitely passed out in their beds by now.

“That coat looks nice on you, by the way,” Jesper complimented as they opened the door to the room.

She smiled up at him as she took it off and hung it back up. “What doesn’t?”

He laughed, running a tired hand over his face. “I legitimately don’t know. Certainly nothing that I’ve seen you in so far.”

“Oh really?“ She asked as she took her boots off, leaving them by the door. “Nothing you hate in my closet, pretty boy?”

“Nothing appalling, at least,” He said, laughing when she scoffed and threw a sweater at him, which he gladly accepted. “I do have some favorites, though.”

“Enlighten me.”

“That one black dress you have is particularly bewitching,” he said with a wink.

She smirked, knowing exactly which dress he was talking about and, more importantly, why he liked it.

“You’re shameless,” she said, pulling the covers back from the bed and sitting down. He did the same before pulling her into him, his arms around her.

“I know,” he replied, brushing her hair from her face. “But really, my favorite is when you steal my ugly Fjerdan sweater, thief.”

“It’s warm,” she defended, nuzzling her face into his neck.

“I don’t mind,” he replied. “‘Looks good on you.”

She mumbled something incoherent into his neck, before pulling him to lay down with her. He smiled, deciding this was the only place he’d ever want to be from this moment forward. The room was already heated by the large fireplace downstairs, but the blankets combined with the heat radiating from the sweater clad girl clinging to him spread warmth to every cell in his body. I never want this to end.

But it would. Soon. In the morning they were going to travel to the Fold and try to survive the trip through again. They had barely survived when they had a guide, who were they to think they would without him? Not to mention the fact that they were actively being searched for by the most elite and powerful group of grisha in the world. They couldn’t stay there. The moment had to end. And with all of the risks they would have to take, he might not get the chance to ever hold her like this again.

Everything was so fleeting, it made anxiety race through his veins.

And Y/N could feel it. The way he held her tighter and his heart rate sped up. She had been losing herself in him, focusing on every last chemical in his body. But she tensed when she sensed a sudden rush of adrenaline.

His hands were shaking as he gripped her sweater like a lifeline. It reminded him of how he would grab at his mother’s dress as a child. The same way he did the day she was buried.

Y/N ran a soothing hand up and down his spine. “Baby, please tell me why you are so afraid.”

His words were muffled as he spoke into her neck. “I don’t want you to end up like her.”

“Like who, Jes?”

“My mother,” his voice cracked. “Had powers like we do. She was just like you. She did whatever was necessary with her power to help people. Until one day she went to help a girl who was poisoned and -“ he got too overwhelmed, taking a deep breath before continuing. “She used her powers too freely and it killed her.”

Y/N’s heart broke at the brokenness of his voice. “Oh, love, I’m so sorry.”

“I needed her. And she left me,” he sobbed into her neck, pulling her even closer to him. “I miss her with every part of myself. I -“ his voice cut off again. “She left me. We buried her under a cherry tree and I had to say goodbye. I wasn’t ready. I needed her.”

“I’ve got you,” she said, cooing into his ear. His sobs rang through the room, each one digging deeper into her heart. She felt absolutely terrible for him, but she was grateful he felt comfortable enough to share his mother’s story with her. She could tell it was something he was holding onto for a long time.

It made perfect sense that he had lost someone, and that was the source of his fears. Not to mention, with the way he was crying, she began to think he never really had someone to support him through his grief. His tears slid down her neck as she held him, and she whispered softly into his ear to try and lull him to sleep.

Once he had calmed down a bit, he lifted his head from her shoulder, holding her face in his hands as he spoke again. “I can’t have you ending up like her.”

“I won’t.” She promised.

“But I heard you, when you were with Kaz. Inej asked me to get you so you could make sure her stitches were right. So I walked to where you two were sitting, but I couldn’t intrude. Your conversation was so… personal. But as I was walking away I heard you say that you’d hurt yourself if it kept me safe. And I can’t get it out of my head.”

Y/N remembered what he was talking about. A pit growing in her stomach at the knowledge that he had heard her.

“Jesper is everything to me. I need him to be okay. I don’t care if I have to ruin myself to make it that way.”

“Jesper,” she started, but he quickly cut her off.

“I know you just want me safe the way I want you safe.” He said, looking into her eyes. “But you cannot ruin yourself for me. I’ll never recover. You cannot end up like my mother.”

“Okay,” she whispered, placing a soft kiss on his lips. “I’m sorry you are so worried, Jes, but I need you to understand that you don’t need to be.”

He scoffed. “You’ve nearly died like ten times on this trip. Like, with the squaller, if I had just -“

“It is not your fault.”

“The point is,” he sighed. “you almost died and I did nothing to help you.”

“I almost died,” she agreed, pressing her forehead on his. “I almost gave up, and let the squaller suffocate me. But then I thought -“ her voice cut off and she looked to the side, unable to handle what she was about to say. “My life didn’t flash before my eyes.” She stared forward, clearly confused by herself. “I didn’t think of jurda, or the Saints, or Pekka, or the ocean.” She shook her head, sighing.”I had one thought in that moment and that thought kept me alive.” She turned toward him, looking in his eyes. While she was the one to make the speech that started their whole relationship, she had struggled to explain the way she felt about him. This was difficult for her, and it showed with every shaking breath and pause in her words. But the following words came through clear. “It was you. And I feel in every last drop of myself that it’s always going to be you.”

“Saints,” he mumbled, the weight of her words clearly settling into him.

“So you can’t say that you don’t protect me,” she insisted. “You’ve kept me alive every day since I’ve met you.”

At her words, he pulled her closer to him and their lips connected in a passionate kiss. It held all of the love, anxiety, and desperation that they had been holding in over the past weeks. They had been together this whole time, but this was the first time since their confession in Ketterdam that they had the chance to be completely vulnerable with each other.

For the first time in months, Y/N and Jesper had a calm, restful night of sleep.

~~~~~~~~

It was early in the morning the next day when Kaz had come knocking on their door harshly, yelling something about not having a minute to waste.

When they both finally came down the stairs of the tavern, Kaz and Inej were waiting for them by the fire. It seemed they were having a pleasant conversation, small smiles on both of their faces (or at least the hardly noticeable smirk that counts as a smile for Kaz). Y/N truly felt bad for interrupting, but she knew they still had a long journey ahead of them.

She called over to them from where she and Jesper were waiting by the door, his hand fruitlessly trying to fix a piece of her hair that was sticking up from the top of her head. She smacked his hand away from her with a teasing grin on her lips. He grabbed her hand, pulling her to him and sneaking a kiss onto her lips.

“It’s not my fault you look completely ridiculous. “He giggled, his hand moving to mess with her hair again.

She rubbed her eye and yawned. “It kinda is.”

It was in the late afternoon when they arrived at the Conductor’s train, which was on the tracks exactly as they left it. Y/N had to give Kaz credit for being able to find the train so easily. Maybe it was because she had been locked in a basement for the majority of her life, but she felt as if she had been born without a sense of direction. The only thing keeping her from getting lost in Ketterdam was the multiple landmarks she created in her head to get around.

The group hid behind the wreckage of a carriage as they watched a small group of men surround the train they needed to get home.

“How many are there?” Inej asked.

“Two.” Kaz replied. “At some point, one of them will have to go tell a superior what they found. We’ll go in then.”

“Not to be that person, Kaz,” Jesper spoke up. “But are you sure you can drive that thing?”

“Yes,” Kaz answered, annoyed. “On the way to Kribirsk, while you were busy hugging bait…”

“Milo. The goat’s name was Milo!” Jesper complained.

“… Y/N and I were memorizing Arken’s timings.” Kaz finished.

“Not to gang up on you, but Jes has a point,” Inej added, not noticing the look of annoyance on Kaz’s face at the nickname she used. “Arken’s system was complicated and the ride was chaotic. No one would blame you for missing a count.”

“‘Jes?’”

“It’s Suli for friendship.”

“No it’s not!” Inej turned her head toward Jesper, giving him an annoyed look as his smile grew.

Y/N, meanwhile, was hiding her face in his shoulder to hide her laughter. And failing.

“You liked that one?” Jesper teased his laughing girlfriend.

“7/10,” She smiled up at him, “could be better, could be worse.”

Kaz rolled his eyes. “Trust me. Arken and I think alike.”

Just as he finished speaking, the train they were discussing exploded dramatically

Y/N gasped. “No fucking way.”

Jesper struggled to keep a smile on his face. “Too soon to appreciate the irony, am I right?”

“Yeah, too soon.” Y/N replied softly, shaking with nervous laughter.

~~~~~

By mid afternoon, they were back in Kribirsk. Despite their lack of funds, Kaz had somehow swindled their way into staying in the attic of some dilapidated inn. After scoping out the lobby, Inej came walking into the room, where Y/N and Jesper looked out a window while Kaz had already made a makeshift desk.

“The skiff is still here.” Inej informed them, taking off her scarf. “Travelers downstairs are complaining. They were due to cross this morning.”

“Orders from the Black General. He plans to cross on it tomorrow.” Kaz replied, looking at the papers on his desk.

“The general?” Jesper asked facetiously, “Is that the same general who tried to… Oh, yeah, kill us all. That one?” He looked back out the window, shaking his hand as Y/N grabbed his hand.

“He has the Sun Summoner.” Kaz said.

“Was this your plan all along?” Inej asked incredulously. “To have the general get her back so you can take her again?”

“My plan is to get us across the Fold. We aren’t prepared for another fight.”

“So you’re not going to take another run at Alina? And you’re really willing to let a million kruge go?”

Y/N let go of Jesper’s hand and walked over to her. “We can’t do it without you, Inej.”

Jesper was quick to follow after her. “Woah woah woah, so you’re in on this now? The plan to go for a ride on a death trap boat?”

Y/N turned to him, keeping her voice low so the conversation might be a bit more private. “Kaz said that -“

“Well, maybe Kaz doesn’t consider that you can’t just walk through a camp filled with Grisha without being plucked away for their army.” Jesper whispered, an annoyed look on his face.

“And that wouldn’t happen to you?”

“I think I’m much better at hiding it, yes!”

“And here I was thinking we talked about you being too overprotective of me.” She spat back.

“Says the girl who killed a random guy just because he brought up Jesper’s name.” Kaz spoke up, barely looking up from his paper.

Y/N spun on her heel to look at him. “Sorry, Brekker, I don’t remember asking for your commentary.”

Jesper pushed in front of her. “No, what's this about her murdering someone?”

Kaz looked up from his papers at Inej, offering her the chance to tell the story.

“When the Razorgulls were advertising their club at fifth harbor, Kaz had Y/N kill one of them to send a message.”

“Except I never told her to kill him.” Kaz corrected.

Y/N’s eyes widened, looking at Kaz with a begging look.

“Wait,” Inej said, a confused look on her face. “Y/N killed a man just because he said he beat Jesper in a game of cards and you just went along with it?”

Kaz shrugged. “It got the message across.”

Jesper, meanwhile, was just standing there slack jawed. “You killed a man for me?”

Y/N sat down on a nearby chair, waving him off. “Oh please, it took all of two seconds.”

“That’s not reassuring!” Jesper shouted back, his eyes still bulging out of his head

“Spare me, Jesper.” She replied. “It’s not that uncommon for me and you know it. Not to mention, this brings up a tremendously important point. If someone on the skiff recognizes me as Grisha, I’ll just fucking kill them!”

The rest of the group stared forward, not even sure what to add at this point. After a long pause Kaz spoke up again.

“We can’t do this trip without you, Inej.” He said, ignoring the way Jesper threw his hands up in the air at the realization they were going through with this.

“Been saying that since day one.” Jesper butted in. Y/N let out a small laugh.

“So all you want is to cross the Fold?” Inej asked again.

“Once we land in Novokribirsk, it’s your choice what you do next.” Kaz assured her. She nodded in response.

“Hang on.” Jesper said. “Are we talking about boarding a skiff with people who will recognize us?

People who don’t like us much?”

“We’ll have to blend in.” Kaz replied. “Who else was on that skiff?”

Inej spoke up. “Some people from the winter fete. Dignitaries from Kerch and Novyi Zem on their way back home.”

“Now they’re audience to one more light show.” Kaz’s voice trailed off as he thought, squinting at Jesper and Y/N. “Jesper, how did you enjoy playing a Zemeni guard?”

~~~~~~~~~

Y/N brewed a special knock out drug for the dart that Inej would shoot the Zemeni representatives with. Then Kaz and Jesper would knock out the rest and steal their clothes and papers. And now she was sitting in the attic of the inn, making sure she had a plethora of every potion she’d ever created for their trip across the Fold. She knew the plan was to hide and then escape as soon as they crossed, but she couldn’t help but think that was not the way it would go.

When the group returned, Jesper handed her an extremely impractical dress with a grin on his face.

“I won’t be able to move in this!” She complained, still working on her potions as she placed the dress on the ground.

“But you’ll look oh so pretty,” Jesper teased, stepping around her to go change.

After she was done, she got to work on the dress. She decided she would take the thread, needle, and scissors she kept in her bag and use them to change the skirt so she could easily take it off in case she needed to. While she was tailoring the dress, Jesper had gotten changed, and was now admiring himself in the mirror.

Y/N tried to look nonchalant and focus on her work, but it was hard. He looked so good.

“You look fine.” Inej told Jesper with a roll of her eyes.

He laughed in response. “Oh, I look more than fine”.

“I made some edits to their papers.” Kaz spoke up, handing them to Jesper. “Should be enough to get us through the checkpoint and onto the skiff.”

“Huh?” Jesper asked as he looked through the papers, a confused look on his face. “No one is ever going to believe I’m that old.”

“You tell yourself that.” Kaz quipped, and Y/N was unable to stop the laugh that came out of her mouth.

Jesper turned to glare at her, ripping the papers off the table and sitting down next to her.

“You don’t think it’s true, do you?” He asked her.

She looked up from the dress. “What?”

“That I look that old!”

She rolled her eyes, staring up at him with a teasing look on her face. “I don’t think it really matters.”

“It matters to me.”

“Fine, you look the perfect age. Not too old, not too young. Just right.”

“Thank you.” He said, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and pressing his lips to her temple.

~~~~~~

When they arrived at the army camp, Y/N was taken aback by the size of everything. The skiff, the tents, the amount of Grisha. Everything was too much. If they didn’t get caught, she’d have to start believing in Saints again.

She gripped Jesper’s hand as they made their way to the checkpoint before the skiff.

“You’re traveling with the Black General and the Sun Summoner, which means you are about to witness the destruction of the Fold.” The man at the checkpoint table announced.

Jesper handed the man their papers. “I know. I look amazing for my age.”

“Well, I thought you looked older.” The man replied, causing Jesper to frown. Then he looked Y/N up and down, not hiding how he ogled at her. “You, on the other hand - “

Jesper glared at him, quickly taking the papers back and storming off toward the skiff, pulling Y/N along with him.

When they were almost on the skiff, they turned and saw Alina come out of her tent with the Black General in tow.

The group looked at Inej, who kept her eyes on the Sun Summoner. “I know. Not until Novokribirsk.”

When they got on the ship, they hurried to the back, hoping not to draw attention to themselves. Y/N held on to Jesper’s arm as the skiff began to move.

“Good news? It’s just as terrifying as I remember.” Jesper said, a slight trembling in his voice.

“Except this time we’re going in completely exposed.” Inej replied.

A growl could be heard in the distance. Volcra.

“If I’m meant to die today, and either of you two survive, make sure I have an open casket.” Jesper begged.

“No one’s dying today.” Kaz assured, a firmness in his voice that just barely hid his fear. “No mourners.”

“No funerals.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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crowsmybeloveds · 2 years

Text

Shadow and Bone Series: Chapter Fifteen

The Unsea

Pairing: Jesper Fahey x Reader

Summary: With dwindling funds and morale, Crows struggle to find a safe way back home.