Taken from my Instagram. Trigger warning: weight gain, suicide mentioned.
The top left photo was taken in 2019. I felt I looked sexy, worthy, and interesting.
But I was dying. I was actively suicidal and struggling everyday to just keep going. I used my body as a tool to motivate myself to live. It's grim, but every photo I took was a token of value -
a currency I saved so that when I couldn't bear living, I didn't die. I had this body to take photos of, after all.
This body people thought was beautiful, finally.
The bottom right photo was taken today.
I'm 45 lbs heavier.
I'm more active, and I want to live.
I am safer in my head and my body. I am strong.
ButI dont feel beautiful.
I don't feel worthy of showing this body, even though I love to see bodies that look like mine. Internalised fatphobia has taught me that this soft body doesn't deserve to be seen. I’m working on that.
Why am I telling you this?
Two reasons:
If you struggle too- in seeing the beauty in others but abusing and berating your own body, I want you to know you're not alone.
And if you find yourself judging bodies, or commenting on them and their worthiness, in this season or any other-
Bellies just look so…decadent. Jiggly, overflowing, squishy, warm, perfect for sinking my lips into. Perfect for grabbing handfuls, squeezing love handles spilling over waistbands.💞 words can’t come close to explaining the feelings I have when I see them. Fat is just so fucking amazing, sexy, cute, everything.
I'm sorry but ppl are so weird about nudity in all kinds it's not even a tired argument anymore it's straight up purity culture,, soon enough we wont be able to show a knee bc it's sooo inappropriate.. whether it's art or real human bodies the censorship is out of control and it's always being masked as something else, especially now with the internet I could literally count on one hand the places you're allowed to post even non sexual nudity, i have no patience for it
and btw even if all I created was sfw content i will always still talk about this bc censorship hurts and threatens everybody starting with minority groups, it goes beyond just personal comfort and autonomy
My Instagram is limited because I dared to post a video of a bounce test in a wireless bra. It wasn’t the sex toys or the bondage that did it… it was me, daring to have a fat stomach and some bouncy boobies.
it’d be shocking if it wasn’t so horrifically predictable.
reminder that in addition to having established safewords with partners, you should also set up nonverbal safewords or cues with them in the case that your mouth is occupied or you're otherwise unable to speak