I was definitely born in the right era. I can’t imagine handing in these assignments via pigeon. gotta get up from bed to pick up a mf scroll and finish my theses? fuck no. I’m chatgtping this shit, paraphrasing and correcting all the way to Microsoft word mobile without moving anything other than my thumbs. turning that shit in? In person? fuck no. i’m emailing this in with -5 days left.

me when I’m not acting as smart as I am

I’ve hit a new rock bottom, but I don’t feel bad about it. it’s a comfortable silence, a darkness my eyes can get used to quickly.

It’s been so blinding outside, I’ve missed the familiarity of rotting.

I did enough today

An email I won’t send to my english teacher:

i remember when you told me it was okay to vent in you mail. you have no idea how much i need this right now; i also remeber you said you wouldnt read it so if you do, please dont tell me you did.

how do we deal with emotions when were too ashamed to share them? i have a willing support system yes i keep choosing to stay quiet over talking about everything thats on my mind. i don't want to be an inconvenience, i don't want too be extra. because the truth is i feel like shit but maybe this is something everyone deals with and im being a pussy. then im just being pathetic in front of people for no reason, yknow? sounds crude but thats the way i feel. i had a dream last night i was staying at a beach house i went to with my family when i was little, everyone was there and my dad let my dog out through the front door. I yelled at him to let her back in becuase shed get lost, and he replied "We have to let her go." Then she just walked away; at the moment it made sense to me, so i walked back inside. Then I caught a sort of conciousness, I realized she was here, she wasnt real but she was here and I ran out after her. I ran as hard as i could, as hard as i knew she wouldve ran at the first chance to have a free space and i caught up to her by the shore. Some of my aunts were already there, they said something about me going after her "...again, like always."

She ran into the water with me trailing right behind her, i woke up before i got to the deep end. Nothing is the same when you lose a love that pure, that close to home. I lost her and I feel like I have no home; I come back to a house, and a bed that isn’t my own. My bed is always covered in fluffy white dog hair, especially the top left pillow where she sleeps. This bed smells clean, no trace of you anymore. Ive broken down twice today and made my poor boyfriend late to work because he knew i didnt want to be alone. He usually takes me to school, and this morning my mom left extra early, so i was home alone at the time. Worst part? Couldnt get the words out. I planned out how id vent and feel better but its the same everytime, im blocked off by the thought of my feelings being an inconvenience, or not important enough to vent and take someone elses time and energy because of. Im tired of carrying all this pain and guilt with me everywhere i go.

i run as fast as i can from my mind but i just keep running into myself, all the ways i fail myself and others, then have the gaul to sit and cry about it, to feel bad instead of becoming better. I feel and havent done enough for the ones around me to share my pain. But between you and me; yo extraño a mi cosita demasiado y pienso en ella todos los dias. Tengo miedo que sea debil, miedo de decir como me siento y que nadie entienda, que quede como inventora. Siento que para sentirme como me siento me debio haber pasado algo horrible, porque algo no puede acabar de abrir la puerta para que todo lo que tengo adentro salga? o algo horrible tal vez no me ayude, tal vez solo se añada al vaso de lagrimas que tengo en mi corazon. Porque mi dolor me ahoga si no creo que sea tan profundo para volverme loca? Porque si no siento que merezco llorar, sufro tanto? Si lo entendiera, cambiaría ? Dime si estoy perdiendo mi tiempo buscando una respuesta en vano, para si no me sirve, perder el tiempo dibujando en vez de.

I miss you already

I’m sorry my baggage makes me late for you

that I stare at walls and wallow while you’re waiting for me to answer my phone

I’m sorry I look at you in silent jealousy when you’re texting someone else while you’re with me, if I offered more engaging conversations maybe you’d forget about your phone when you’re with me

I’m afraid you’re with me because of the potential you see in me, and will eventually leave when you realize I’m damaged goods. That there’s something broken and unfixable in my heart, that I won’t evolve into the partner you want, the partner you deserve.

if you talk to me and get the feeling I’m stupid, I’m not I’m just trying to get out of this conversation as quickly as possible by making it boring.

my boyfriend is such an angel. im going to fucking marry him.

what are blogs supposed to be about? i just deleted all my social apps; the accounts are still there though, for when i want to come back. im going through a rough time so i thought cutting away from everything could be a good first step to getting better. distracting myself isn’t gonna work forever, and maybe i’ll start being productive with how bored im gonna be without tiktok or instagram to keep me busy. hoping this is gonna be the beginning to a healed and socially unaware me. xx