When Mary Shelly wrote "I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other" god I really felt that

Art and love are the same thing: It’s the process of seeing yourself in things that are not you.

~Chuck Klosterman, Killing Yourself to Live

Art and love are the same thing: It’s the process of seeing yourself in things that are not you.

~Chuck Klosterman, Killing Yourself to Live

There are moments where everything just stops. Like nothing else matter, but the grief and pain of losing you.

2022

Hi. It's been a while. I haven't really talked to this inner self for a while, not even question things in a deeper sense like I used to be. But I am here again, facing it. Only the pain and hurt grew like i never imagined. This year brought so much learnings, adventures, tested friendships, challenged myself, grew out of my comfort zone. It made me know me more in a logical and real life hard way. It made me explore zones I never crossed before and it made me reach the finish line of it all (thankfully). I was better, i know. That version of me was the best I have ever been since I got this life. I was contented. Above all those, it also made me conquer my fears, do extraordinary ones.

But what are all these without heartache, sorrow and deep pain? Life. I knew this even before. It's not new and rather familiar. I'm sure you know that by scrolling down through my web. I lost and failed people, sadly the most important one. I made terrible and impulsive decisions - one that were driven by instincts and pride. For years, I was trying to befriend the missing pieces. I wanted to pat myself in the back that it's just life and this was the one i got and I thought I did. Not until you met this incredible and warm hearted person. In one snap, everything I worked hard for was gone. I felt ironic trying to be familiar but indeed, grief is greater than loss. It came right passed at me without even knocking and it's the worst feeling. This is the memory I know will hurt a lifetime. The struggles are harder than before and surviving has been my greatest enemy; even at this moment. I would like to try what others have been telling- time will be kind and give you what you need: forgiveness, healing and succeeding. It may be not linear but I'll get there. I have come this long and far with my beautiful angel by myside, arent I? There are moments I felt you're holding my hand, specially when hurt is too much all at once. Your prescense is handling my grief like a candle; despite the burning of the wax, the wick is on fire and climbing up til the room has light, enough to see what and where I should go. I was meant to love you this much, even on the darkest days.

Twenty twenty-two, you made me experience alot; both the best and the worst. I'm not sure how I feel about this yet, so with the littlest of hope left in me, I will continue to live this life.

“She didn’t need to be saved. She needed to be found and appreciated for exactly who she was.”

— j. iron word

How to start again?

It seems like the idea of passion has left me. The feeling of nothingness in every thing i did before is never like then. Maybe its because when i lost it, i also lost you. The life i have only tasted for a second left me hanging into a highway, full of moving vehicles, nothing but thyself and a memory where we lasted.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE ONE WHO GOT MY HEART FIRST

cheers to nineteen blessed years of your existence. i wish you to become every one you want to be. i wish i knew about it though. your dreams, your goals, the the small things you wanted to do, the little rants you make about something that irritates you, the little smiles you give everytime you hear what your mom cooked for dinner. i wish the littlest of them down to be big ones. i wish for us. i hope for us. and i will pray for you and me. for the time, chances, risks, opportunities and struggles, destiny and fate to come over us. because, love, you don’t have any idea how much i prayed for us to happen.

i looked up at tonight’s sky and i felt this cold breezy yet comforable night air. like it was so serene and kindle that the sun set so right and perfectly to feel this kind of cold air. imagining how was your birth day, thinking who surprised you, greeted you, made your day extra special. wishing i was there with you.

but, love, i will never lose the hope. even when it becomes to tiny to hold on it, i will hope for you and me. someday, it will be us. and i will take even a short but memorable taste in your life.

Maybe its not you Anymore Maybe its just about the feeling Of being inlove The excitement of every day The thrilling sensation Of the thought Of being In love Maybe its not you anymore Maybe its about the chase Of you and me And the dreams Of our future Maybe its this time That i let go Of all the dreaming And start accepting That you and me Were just pathways Who was once crossed-by But never destined To stand-by.

A letter to myself for 2017, Every time you stumble upon heart ache remind yourself who you are and what you’ve accomplished. Quality over quantity don’t invite anyone into your life that doesn’t make you feel better about yourself, you will never need anyone who doesn’t need you or values you. When it’s late at night and your looking up his social media please shut the page and go to sleep. You’ve stayed up to many times stressing about who that girl was in his photo or what he’s doing. He’s so last year now girl. You learnt the hard way in 2016, this is the year to pick yourself up and learn from every single mistake, never repeat. It’s ok it’s going to be ok in your darkest moment just remind yourself it’s going to all be ok. Deep breathe in and out, calm yourself down, relax I know you have it in you to slay this year

B.L letters I never sent (via bl-letters-i-never-sent)

In order to move with everyday I have to think of other things That'll make me forget you Even just for a while

It felt strange to hear something from the past

Whenever i hear it my world shuts down

Only to think of you

The sudden what could have beens

And regrets that i once let the past hunt me down

I'm sorry that i had to think of you over and over again

You were in every story i told And every poem i made But then i guess You wouldn’t know That the million pieces of me Was made up by you

So i write this to you But you would never know The feelings i kept And the chances i regret

will there be a second chance for us?