content warning: discussion of suicidal ideation

i am coming up on the anniversary of one of the darkest moments ive ever had. a lot has happened since then (<-positive), and im feeling reflective.

when im feeling very, very depressed i play a game with myself. i hold my phone in my hand, and i think to myself, if clicking the power button on my phone could kill me, instantly, painlessly, would i do that right now? nearly every time ive done it, ive realized that no, i dont really want to do that. i have things i want to do, things i want to live for. i have self-preservation and basic hope for the future.

on the night of may 30th last year, deep in the pits of the most miserable doom spiral i've ever experienced, sitting in the arms of my husband, i played that game with myself. and for the first and only time, i clicked the power button.

a few seconds later, my husband said something goofy in his sleep, i dont remember what it was. but it was like my fever broke in that moment. it jostled me out of my spiral, reminded me that im a living creature. i got up, went to the bathroom to splash my face with water, and looked down at my phone to see a notification from my partner telling me about some exciting movie announcement.

just a few days later, i watched a stream of someone playing kingdom hearts, which kickstarted the longest-running hyperfixation i've had that i can remember. because of that, i started seriously drawing, something i'd wanted to do for a while but hadnt been able to do with any regularity or consistency. i started posting art and started my art blog. i connected with some people.

in the months after, i started adderall. i started a planted tank with some snails. i posted some writing and got some very nice comments. i talked to my friends and talked to people who might end up being my friends. i bought a piano and started playing again. i pet my cats, kissed my partners, cooked some food, found new music i liked.

ive severe doubts about divine providence. i dont believe there's "no such thing as coincidences". i think the fact that most of the above happened right after the deepest and darkest night of my life speaks less to there being "someone looking out for me" or "a reason for everything" and more to the fact that when you keep living, you keep finding reasons to keep living. it's never the end of history. shit will just keep happening forever, bad and good. things change and grow and die and return. this too shall pass.

Scott McCloud’s incomparable “Understanding Comics”.

I swear you can open this book to any page and it’s amazing.

(ps it’s actually a digital image of a printed copy of a drawing of a painting of a pipe)

tumblr poll simulator

eminem is trans masc to some, trans fem to others, and an enemy to all

you should say more about lamia. for his fans (me)

🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 ughgghuuguuguu thank you.....

lamia (he/they) is a bristly autistic motherfucker in his mid-to-late twenties who doesnt take care of himself nearly as well as he ought to. their gut reaction to sincere (or insincere) affection is to panic and tell people to fuck off. they are The Bearer of a Curse. despite The Horrors he fights tooth and nail for a better future for the people around him. actually he fights a little too hard. he could stand to take a nap and eat a bagel or something. their favorite things are sweets, sitting alone on a roof, stimming by killing monsters, and dilfs.

above is an image of the sim i made of them, Happy, and in a Pleasant Conversation. very in character for him tee hee

Deep Lamia Lore under the cut. spoilers for the fic of which i have posted not a single word

also: content warning for speculative fiction parental abuse. putting this below the readmore because the fact that it happens is a spoiler lol

lamia has had horrific nightmares since he was little. their father was a researcher at what i can best describe as a magical laboratory and promised lamia that he would find a way to help them with the nightmares, saying that they're caused by the Darkness in their Heart. in the meantime the nightmares only got worse and worse. well it turns out his dad was lying the entire time. his dad's research was in how to transfer darkness from one person's heart into another's, and he's been transferring his own darkness into lamia's heart the entire time. ("darkness" and "heart" in this case are both pretty vague concepts that can mean a lot of things, this is how ive decided to play with those ideas for this character)

ten years ago the town he grew up in was taken over by an evil witch who unleashed a bunch of monsters on the town and nearly destroyed it, at which time his parents abandoned him because, well, it's not like his dad would be able to continue his research if he couldn't get to the lab. their current occupation is killing monsters and trying to protect people and restore the town. he runs himself absolutely ragged, barely eats, barely sleeps (because nightmares). he has friends, but there's really only so much they can do to support him when they're also trying to do the same thing he is.

despite his bristliness he's also the type of person to just give and give and give of himself until there's nothing left, not out of any kind of misplaced goodhearted altruism necessarily, because he feels he has to. they've had a couple really awful relationships--not abusive per se, but relationships with people who implicitly blamed them for the Darkness in their Heart and wanted to shape them into something more palatable.

this is the short version. and YES theyre a kingdom hearts oc. theyre a very angsty and tonally dissonant kingdom hearts oc. i made them up so they could kiss a weird old man who talks like a surfer. they have a keyblade and everything. its an old rusty broken keyblade that doesnt even work right. but it's like, Themes.

and before anyone is concerned about the age gap, lamia is 1. a fucked up but fully grown adult and 2. the same age or older than some of the most common characters xig is shipped with. so

Your tags on the orcsha post

Seen and appreciated. 10/10

🤝

YEAHHH ehehehe. :]

can i come be weird on your couch but you end up being super into it and then we kiss?

Jyricas Cradne, submission by Flabort

Stepping on your

“can anyone hear me” and “its so dark in here” and “who said that” have got to be some of my fav things to say on a post because it brings to mind being locked in a room or lost in a cave, probably because of what youve said. not being called out in desperation, but in much calmer yet still resigned-to-your-fate way. in the case of “who said that” you’re saying something out the side of your mouth or under your breath, sometimes just fully out loud, then feigning bewilderment to whip around and look behind you. Sometimes in this case you’re in a vast and empty wheat field with no audience anyway. In all cases you’re definitely some sort of madman or loon or otherwise totally bonkers. just a glimpse into how my Posting Interpretation is.

ORC FACTS

Orcs go crazy over labour rights. Are you not getting paid overtime? Why not tell an Orc and they'll give your employer a bit of... Gentle Persuasion...

im at baby city. and i just took a taxi. to the shapes and colors store

i think if you're going to complain about "problematic queer representation" in media you have to clarify what type of problematic you're talking about. is the bisexual character implied to be only "doing it for attention" or perpetuating homophobic stereotypes? yeah, you have a point, that's not great. is the lesbian "problematic" because she eats people? oh no that's fine, lesbians are allowed to do that if they want

I, as a 26 year old adult in 2024, just had a nightmare about slenderman trying to get me. Come on.

the wives 🐺🦊💜🏳️‍⚧️

(she/her for both)

antwithabindle.com/careers