Just when things were looking up

He traded his vehicle for a reliable one, I had a chance at a job I actually wanted and we could get ahead of bills and such.

Now my previous job told me they'd term me instead of keeping me on while I completed training and on boarding for the other job, forced me to use it or loose it for 40 of the 80 hours I had left of PTO, my new job is saying I can't onboard for a week or two due to background checks taking a while and my clearances needing sent over to them, and bills are piling up cause instead of helping like a logical person would do, he buys stuff to make the new vehicle more individualistic.

And I've fucking binged over an entire week.

To stay extremely drunk due to not eating and having wine and prpbably emd up so nauseous it comes back our, or to eat and be brought back to reality?

Guess it depends if my husband wakes up. Screaming at me about how useless I am while I'm trying to meet what he wants me to do in the first place is so exhausting for him that he just couldn't find the energy to say he was sorry. He had enough to ask me to rub his back though

Poison I'm drowning in poison

Filling up my glass but it's always hollow

Poison I'm sick of the poison

Wish I had something to live for tomorow

And I fucking swear if he yells at me for being in the bath trying to feel better and dissolve some of the bruising then I'm going on a grippy sock vacation

I'm sure my own nail prints and cuts on my arm will get me a free ticket

Sometimes I sing myself "Another life" by MIW and pretend it's you after you hit and degrade me....

atleast then I can pretend that it hurts you too...

"And I hate that it seems you were never enough,

We are broken and bleeding but never gave up,

And I hatr that I made you the enemy,

And I hate that your heart was the casualty,

I don't hate that I need you"

Says "I've gotta get back on track "

proceeds to binge drink 5 nights straight, eat junk cause when drunk idgaf, and then have no energy the next day to walk or work out cause hangovers are now a thing for me.

I swear I'm one fight away from either inpatient or death

Daily logs 4/15

Ok. Time to get back on track

Friday onwards, my husband wanted to be close to me at all times so I couldn't get on here and couldn't track things I ate. It was all so happy until last night thought when he decided to bash on me, how I'm broke and don't make enough even though I'm going to be getting a better paying job in a week or so, how I'm fat, how I don't do anything around the house to clean after I do 40 hours a week (45 if you count the hour breaks I get where I can't leave the premise), and how all my friends fuck me over and I shouldn't trust anyone or anything.

So back to starving myself so he has one less thing he can shame me for and or so I slowly kms.

I'm out of soup cubes though so lunch is just gonna have to be 100 or less instead of the usual 10.

WHY OF ALL THINGS

Why did I binge on RAW fucking beef?

I can understand rare but it was from the freezer still frozen

Scratch that.

I have til Saturday for another weekend of eating.... why...

Daily logs 4/10

I had a job interview so I ate breakfast in order to not get acid reflux from coffee.

Dinner was organic cheesey rice with spinach and chicken tossed into it which was really filling even though it looked gross cause it was green.

Should've skipped it cause my husband was sleeping but if I did I would've binged cause his icecream cake is in the freezer from his birthday along with his lava cakes he requested I make. If he didn't have a manual labor job he'd probably be like me in size.

I've gotta st@rve for two weeks

My husband and his brother planned this big trip where we are going to drink, eat at the all you can eat meat place, drink some more, stay in a hotel with a buffet breakfast, and then adventure the next day and probably eat more places.

Daily logs 4/9

Daily logs 4/8

My weekend ruined my gym day

I couldn't do my usual cardio and just had no energy and kept burping food from last night's dinner which was disgusting. I am so gross. Maybe I'll take a walk later or do an inside workout to try and compensate. I am sure as sh1t not eating until dinner for the rest of the week

... yesterday would've been a rich bu1imics paradise.

All you can eat meat, charcuterie, soups, soft cheeses etc.

If only I was the type able to purge.