After Him

08/28/2022

He never came back and that’s ok. 

Although it was impossible to see before, there is life after him. The memories and the lessons can never be erased, but the tinge of sadness no longer accompanies their presence. As if water has washed off their bitterness, I can fully appreciate them for what they are now. 

After him, my heart still beats and after him, I can still love. 

05/16/2022

I think I'll finally let you go.

No, you're not completely erased but I've decided that after every time I think about you, I am no longer wishing for anything different.

I am deciding to be happy with what I have, who I am, and where I am at even if it means without you.

“One day you’ll laugh so much that you’ll forget you have scars.”

— Benjamín Griss

The other day, when I found myself going back to the corner of missing you, I suddenly remembered how you never missed me.

When I needed answers, you gave me space and when I wanted reassurance, you gave me ambiguity. You withdrew when I needed you and gave me silence during my most anxious moments.

Even if I loved you, I must remind myself that you didn't.

Oh how liberating it must be to not love you anymore.

Do you think a heart can mend itself?

After all, all wounds heal right?

But what if there remains a scar?

At least it still beats and so I'll go on.

I used to love the time I get to myself, but these days, I just dread the empty moments where my head gets so loud.

I'm learning to become friends with my sadness instead of fighting it. I'm learning that not every time it comes, it means I am going backward. It's just a blanket of feelings that covers me sometimes, and there's no reason to invite anger to join as well. I just say hi, greet it, and understand that it won't stay for long.

Sometimes I tell my friends and family that I am doing alright and then the next day, it all comes crashing down again.

Instead of being proud that I don't think of you, I am proud that those thoughts do not hold the power to consume me the way it did before.

Will there come a day where you aren't a part of my wish after I blow the candles, the thought on my mind when I wish on the dandelions, or the reason I always wait for 11:11?

I re-read some of my journal entries from a decade ago and it's honestly a strange but refreshing sensation to know that at one point in time, before you, I functioned perfectly fine and I felt completely whole.

Is it self-betrayal that I still secretly choose you everytime?

Pointless Mental Battles

I think I’ve finally realized that I do not have to fight anymore. I cannot erase you from my mind or rewrite the past pages of my book. I cannot deny that I’ve once loved you with all my heart or ignore the aches that comes with any reminders of you. These things are natural and only acceptance can bring me peace. I’m going to stop fighting them because the truth is, everything will be fine for the most part after you. However, there will always be a crack I cannot cement and on days when I notice this crack, my mind will become rainy and that’s ok. 

It’s ok to have once loved the wrong person and it’s ok to still miss that wrong person. There’s no shame in being human. 

Is it just me but when you're amidst the looming sadness of a breakup, everyone, including yourself, seems to be wondering when you'll get over it. You're growing impatient and they're tapping their feet. However, the grief doesn't go away regardless of how frustrated you are. There's nobody to complain to in order to expedite the process. You're stuck in line for what that feels like eternity.

If I knew that day was our last, I would have looked at you a little longer. I would ate slower just to be with you, hugged you a bit tighter, and stopped getting in my head. I kept asking questions when we were together only to find out the answers when it’s too late. Even as I am trying to heal and move on, I have to admit, there are times when I wish I could go back and lived in a world where only we mattered--nothing else. 

Do you even think of me half as much as I think of you?