I’m sick right now. I’ve been running a fever since yesterday morning. I had to come home from work early, and have been to the ER twice.

And yet I still prepared to make her dinner, because she’s been wanting to eat the pasta in the cabinet. She told me she was going to chipotle, which I don’t really mind, except she won’t bring me back a burrito.

I know this doesn’t sound like a big deal, but it’s just more evidence of how one sided our relationship is. I was literally on fucking sepsis protocol yesterday, and I still try to make sure she is fed. Why won’t she do the same for me? Why won’t she just be the tiniest bit considerate.

And don’t get me wrong- I’m not expecting her to take care of me. I just expect a little more compassion from the person who constantly talks about marrying me and calls me their “life partner”.

How can you be in love with someone and still treat them like a burden? How can you be in love with someone, and not consider their needs before your own wants? My heart is fucking shattering every goddamn day, because she just shows me over and over again that she doesn’t want me. She just wants someone to care for her, and I’m the only one that tolerates her bullshit. I can’t do anything to stop it. I can’t imagine a life without her, I do everything I can for her, and I want that to be enough to earn her respect.

I experience chronic pain and fatigue. I told her today that I needed a nap after running errands without my cane. She let me rest for all of 20 minutes before coming in the room and waking me up because *she* wanted to take a nap too, after she’d slept all day.

This evening, she kept pushing me to walk to the store with her, and I finally agreed despite my pain already being exasperated. On the walk back, every time I had to stop because I physically couldn’t move my legs anymore without a break, she would act like it was a huge annoyance to her.

Then, after we’d been home for thirty minutes or so, I so much as asked her to fill my water cup because again, I am in horrible pain tonight. She refused to do it. When I said “I’m in a lot of pain, could you at least get me a seltzer please?” she still refused. Her excuse was that she “felt too high”. She took two hits off of my vape at LEAST two hours prior, BEFORE we went to the store.

Mind you, I’ve been with her for nearly five years- our entire adult lives. My chronic pain and fatigue are not new. It’s not for lack of understanding, it’s a blatant lack of consideration for me, and I’m so fucking hurt by that.

How can you be in love with someone and still treat them like a burden? How can you be in love with someone, and not consider their needs before your own wants? My heart is fucking shattering every goddamn day, because she just shows me over and over again that she doesn’t want me. She just wants someone to care for her, and I’m the only one that tolerates her bullshit. I can’t do anything to stop it. I can’t imagine a life without her, I do everything I can for her, and I want that to be enough to earn her respect.

How can you be in love with someone and still treat them like a burden? How can you be in love with someone, and not consider their needs before your own wants? My heart is fucking shattering every goddamn day, because she just shows me over and over again that she doesn’t want me. She just wants someone to care for her, and I’m the only one that tolerates her bullshit. I can’t do anything to stop it. I can’t imagine a life without her, I do everything I can for her, and I want that to be enough to earn her respect.

I hate how I get overwhelmed so easily, and when I get overwhelmed I get sewerslidal. Like, if I reach out to any mental health professional about this I’d probably be hospitalized, but at this point, I don’t need a med adjustment. I need to be called back from the countless jobs I’ve applied for. I need to be able to afford my ADHD medication so I can stop living in such a messy apartment. I need housing security. I need to be able to rely on myself and I don’t know how to do that.

no weed? no bennies? no alc?

Shit, I hope this hydroxyzine knocks me out.

you can fill the void within you with endless new things but the emptiness will never truly leave you

i’m so two faced i’ll engage in pro or anti beatles propaganda depending on my mood

every ghibli movie is better with some guys in it

People without BPD (Borderline Personnality Disorder) will never understand the shit we’re going through every second of our life.

It’s always «you’re acting so fucking crazy and paranoid»

but never «what happened for you to react like this?»

If I don’t get attention from them immediately I’m going to do something so reckless idk

Wanna be nosy? Here's your chance.

0: Height 1: Virgin? 2: Shoe size 3: Do you smoke? 4: Do you drink? 5: Do you take drugs? 6: Age you get mistaken for 7: Have tattoos? 8: Want any tattoos? 9: Got any piercings? 10: Want any piercings? 11: Best friend? 12: Relationship status 13: Biggest turn ons 14: Biggest turn offs 15: Favorite movie 16: I’ll love you if 17: Someone you miss 18: Most traumatic experience 19: A fact about your personality 20: What I hate most about myself 21: What I love most about myself 22: What I want to be when I get older 23: My relationship with my sibling(s) 24: My relationship with my parent(s) 25: My idea of a perfect date 26: My biggest pet peeves 27: A description of the girl/boy I like 28: A description of the person I dislike the most 29: A reason I’ve lied to a friend 30: What I hate the most about work/school 31: What your last text message says 32: What words upset me the most 33: What words make me feel the best about myself 34: What I find attractive in women 35: What I find attractive in men 36: Where I would like to live 37: One of my insecurities 38: My childhood career choice 39: My favorite ice cream flavor 40: Who wish I could be 41: Where I want to be right now 42: The last thing I ate 43: Sexiest person that comes to my mind immediately 44: A random fact about anything

I am zootedddd and listening to boygenius and Ethel Cain. Sometimes the sadness feels calming, you know?

Why am I experiencing this level of angst at 22 fucking years old?

my mind is a very complex place (inferiority complex, god complex, martyr complex, etc)