Day 2 in the Middle School Time Loop: you remember that last time, everyone ignored you at recess because they were talking about a TV show that you hadn’t watched. This time, you lie and say you’ve seen it. They ask you who your favorite character is, and you don’t know any of the characters, and so you’re tongue-tied. They think you’re weirder than ever, or maybe a liar, which is worse (and true).
Day 3 in the Middle School Time Loop: you tell your parents that you feel ill. They let you stay home while they’re at work. You spend the whole day watching past episodes of the TV Show.
Day 4 in the Middle School Time Loop: Recess again. The same person asks you who your favorite character is. This time, you're ready. You eagerly tell them, and supplement your reasons for liking them with solid evidence from all 4 seasons of the show. But! Tough luck: you’re now too invested. The atmosphere turns uncomfortable. They go back to ignoring you like they did on the Day 1 that you didn’t know was Day 1.
Day 5 in the Middle School Time Loop:
You decide to try a different approach and update your style. You've noticed that Ashleigh, who’s blonde and constantly surrounded by friends, always wears pink stripey sneakers. You try wearing a pink dress. Someone says it’s cute, but you know from how they say it that it isn’t the good cute.
“I thought that pink was cool,” you protest, more to the uncaring universe than to anyone in particular.
Your interlocutor shrugs. “Maybe on someone else.”
Day 6 in the Middle School Time Loop: You keep your head down, but still surprise the teachers by somehow knowing the correct answers to every spontaneous question they throw out to the class. You study the outfits of your classmates more closely. You realize that it wasn’t the color, so much as the brand that made the difference. It proves the shoes were expensive. You note down Ashleigh's sneaker brand in smudgy ink on the back of your hand, and then after school you take half a year's saved-up allowance and buy a matching pair at the mall. Your mom raises her eyebrows but doesn’t stop you.
Day 7 in the Middle School Time Loop: Today you make it to lunch before anything major goes wrong. You think that the sneakers have protected you, and stare down at them lovingly, watching the Barbie-pink plastic stripes reflect the tube lights on the ceiling as you turn your feet this way and that. But then at lunch, Ashleigh comes up, arm and arm with a friend. Her eyes are a little pink, but only a little.
“Ashleigh wanted me to tell you that she’s really hurt that you copied her sneakers,” the friend informs you, nobly, as if it would be too unpleasant for Ashleigh to have to say this herself. Her mouth is solemn but her eyes are gleeful.
“I didn’t…” You start to deny it automatically, even though it’s true. And yet, something won’t let you apologize. Doesn’t she see your imitation for what it is: the most sincere compliment you know how to bestow? This is your Hail Mary.
As you meet her eyes, you realize she does know, but this only makes her despise you more.
“I think a lot of people have these sneakers,” you stammer, in the end, and they just sniff and turn away. You go back to eating your lunch alone.
Day 8 of the Middle School Time Loop: even though you do well in every class, you must be so much more stupid than your classmates, to be missing whatever detail it is that they seem to have caught. How do they do it so quickly? Before recess, before the end of homeroom, even, they all just know. You’ve had endless chances to do this day over and yet you never seem to be able to catch up with them. Running to stand still, you’ve heard your mother say, when she’s busy at work. That’s you. Running to stand still.
Day 9 of the Middle School Time Loop: you pretend to be sick again, and you realize that if you want to, you can pretend to be sick every day. It's easy to convince your parents: you look tired and unhappy, your eyes small within their dark circles, like some underground creature. You stop watching that TV Show that you never really wanted to watch in the first place, and instead dream your way through all your favourite childhood movies. Disney, Pixar, Studio Ghibli. You retreat into jewel-colored landscapes, where everyone is magical or beautiful or at least funny, and the heroes always win in the end.
Day 10 of the Middle School Time Loop: You notice that most of the Pixar heroes, the Disney princesses look more like Ashleigh than you. Long hair. Pale eyes. Button noses. And all of them, so thin.
Day 11 of the Middle School Time Loop: you go to school, but you don’t talk to anyone. You don’t even answer your name at roll call. Your teacher asks you if anything is wrong at school, or at home perhaps. You shake your head, but that evening you hear your father taking a call. You shrug off his worry: it’ll be forgotten tomorrow anyway.
Day 12 of the Middle School Time Loop: an unexpected development: your apathy almost seems to make your classmates like you more. When you say, truthfully, that you don’t care much for the TV Show that eternally dominates the recess chatter, some people look impressed. They ask you what you think is better. But you’re wise and don’t admit to liking anything. "Mysterious," someone says appreciatively.
At the end of recess, the girl who told you off for copying Ashleigh nudges you. “Hey. Look, Robert has an Up shirt. Kind of cute, that he’s still into that stuff, right?”
You know that it’s not the good cute.
You stare at her coldly. “The shirt just has a dog on it. It doesn't say he's from Up. So you must have liked the movie enough to remember him.”
She flushes scarlet, and hurries to catch up with Ashleigh, throwing you a dirty look. Robert glances at you gratefully but you don’t return his smile. He won’t remember that you did this for him. Anyway, you didn't, really. Do it for him, that is.
Day 13 of the Middle School Time Loop: You tell your parents you’re sick again. Today, you watch the second tier of Studio Ghibli movies, the ones that your parents always say, self-consciously, that you’ll find dull. Only Yesterday, Princess Kaguya, When Marnie Was There. You’re only a few minutes into Marnie when there’s a line that pulls you up short:
“In this world, there’s an invisible magic circle. There’s inside and outside. These people are inside. And I’m outside.”
The relief that washes over you is so profound that you almost cry, and then, when the movie's over, you do cry. Ugly sobs that make you sound like a toddler throwing a tantrum at the mall, that make your head pound with a dehydration headache. But behind the tears, there's relief. There it is, the truth that you were searching for, through all these do-overs. There’s an invisible magic circle. Of course there is.
But here’s the thing about circles: the inside is small. The outside is scary, and lonely, but it’s huge: huger than you could ever have imagined before you turned around and looked.
When your dad gets home, he asks if you’re feeling better. “Much,” you say, and it’s true.
Day ?? of the Middle School Time Loop: Sometimes you go to school, but ditch class and go to the library or the playground and do your own thing even if teachers yell at you. Sometimes you wander around the neighborhood. Sometimes you ask your parents crazy things, like to take you to work with them, or to the beach, or to DisneyWorld. Sometimes they say no. A surprising amount of times, they say yes. You wonder if maybe they’re trapped in a time loop too.
Sometimes you sit quietly in other classrooms than the one you’re meant to be in, until they shoo you out or even send you to the principal. (He finds you baffling. You feel a deep, slightly mournful affection for him, like you would for an very old and tired dog). It’s surprising, the amount of different things that are getting taught in one school in one day. It takes you a long time to work your way through them all.
You watch a frog getting dissected a few times before you start to feel bad and don’t go back to that classroom again. Your favorite class to crash is art, because the teacher always clocks that you’re not meant to be there but smiles and lets you stay anyway. When you meet her eyes, it feels like you’re sharing a secret.
Day One-Hundred And Something of the Middle School ...Wait.
At some point, time started moving again, and you didn’t even realize it.
For so long, the reprimands you received about your future seemed so empty, so laughable. There was no future. Only a more- or less-bearable present. But now, your classmates remember the unhinged things that you do; now, your teachers’ and parents’ worries about the future have the full juggernaut weight of reality behind them.
You thought that you’d be more terrified. For so long, you’ve dreaded this forward momentum. No loading screen, no mini-games, just one single, awful, pulsating life. But things are different now. Time’s moving again, and here you are, so far outside the invisible magic circle that you’re not even sure that you'd be able to see it any more. You can still feel its power, but faintly, like the pull between two magnets when they're an arm's length apart. Easy to ignore.
“Are you ready?” Robert says, catching your eye over the kitchen table. He comes here first thing so you can get the bus together. At some point, during the time loop, you started to seek him out. He was outside the circle, too, you realized. But even more importantly, not once, on any of those grimly looping days, did you see him try and push someone else out to make a space for himself. In this crab bucket, that’s something that counts for a lot.
“Our final day of middle school,” he sighs, half to himself. “Never thought I’d see it.”
"Me either," you reply, getting up to put on your talismanic pink sneakers. They’re scuffed and dirty after years of wear, and certainly Ashley would never be caught dead in them these days. Maybe that’s what you should have told her, all those loops ago: that no imitation, let alone one as unskilled as yours, can ever be perfect, and that indeed the very imperfection renders it an original work in its own right. Time and thought and human care transforms even the most diligent copy into something else entirely.
But you’ve been through enough time loops to know that that sort of explanation wouldn’t go over very well.
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Out of the Loop
Journal entry 542
15th June 2022
Well, it certainly wasn't the ideal start to a working day. It turns out that the storm last night has torn some panels from the fence, so that's something I'll need to get fixed, no doubt at great expense. Judging from the drive to work, there's going to be a waiting list. The roads were awful, too, traffic stretched as far as the eye could see, just because some trees had fallen down as well. At least work was straightforward, although I had to show Jonas how to do his job again. The same stuff I told him just a few months ago. Brain like a sieve, that guy, honestly.
Journal entry 542
15th June 2022
I don't really know how to say this, but Jonas has finally snapped. I was just making my mid-morning coffee when he cornered me in the kitchen and started rambling some absolute nonsense, even worse than his usual barrage of stupid work questions. It's not like I was having the ideal start to my day as it was - it turns out that the storm last night has done for some of the fence panels, so that's a direct hit to my savings, and I had to spend an hour in traffic because it decided to take out some trees on the way. With all that stress going on, I was really hoping for a straightforward day at the office.
I managed to excuse myself and ignored him when we were back at our desk, but then later on I hear he's been escorted from the building because he kept prodding people and shouting. Prodding! I've always joked that he's a few panels short of a fence himself, but I always thought he was just a bit scatterbrained, not... whatever this is. I actually thought he might be showing signs of improvement when I came in this morning, remembering stuff I taught him a few months ago without needing his usual reminder, but I guess a few hours of competency was all that bizarre mind of his could take. I wonder what will happen to him now?
Journal entry 542
15th June 2022
I have no idea how to write this entry. I don't really have the words to do it justice, so I guess I'll just be frank and state the facts.
Jonas is dead. He didn't show up for work this morning, and we assumed it must have been because of the storm last night - I was delayed in traffic for a fallen tree, and the garden fence is in tatters, so plenty of reasons he might have had to stay home or not been able to make it in - but then someone said he'd been found dead.
Even then we guessed it must have been a fallen roof tile, a tragic casualty of the storm, but the truth turned out to be even worse. He took his own life. They won't say how, but I don't think I actually want to know. How long have we shared a desk now? I has to be the best part of a year. I won't pretend that we always got on, and I did find him frustrating at times, but this is horrible. I would never have wanted this for him.
It's awful to think that I used to make jokes about his intelligence, his sanity, and all the while he was actually struggling with real problems. He needed support, not my mockery. Did he know how I felt? Was that a reason that he did what he did? If that's the case, I don't think that I'll ever forgive myself, but I suppose that all that I can do now is try to be a better person in the future. It goes without saying that I'll never speak ill of Jonas again.
Journal entry 542
15th June 2022
God, that imbecile Jonas has been creeping me out all day. Having a moron for a desk buddy is hard enough when he's focusing on work, but today he seems to be trying out a new party trick: guessing what I'm about to say before I say it. I tried my best not to encourage him, playing down the accuracy, but he was actually getting scarily close. Sometimes almost word for word. I don't know how he was doing it, but I didn't like it at all.
He actually said that he'd been to the future, lived this day before, something like that, so he knew what I was going to say, but that was definitely the weaker part of the whole act. If he's training to be one of those amateur magicians, he really needs to work on his patter. Probably best to focus on guessing cards and facts and things, too, rather than jumping in to finish every sentence. Even children must find that annoying.
Then of course I have to come home to missing fence panels, a legacy of last night's storm (which also doubled the length of my commute, thanks to some fallen trees), but I've got no energy at all to try and get them fixed. I'll look for someone tomorrow, although I bet they're already fully booked by now.
Journal entry 542
15th June 2022
I'm worried about Jonas. He was weirdly efficient this morning, getting his work done in half the time it should usually take - and that means a quarter of the time it usually takes him, given the number of questions he has to ask - but then spent the time he'd freed up researching electricity and the storm last night.
I thought I was badly hit - a few broken fence panels, one nightmare commute - but it turns out his building was actually struck by lightning. He kept asking me questions about how lightning actually works, as if I'd have the first clue. I'm pretty good at answering him on work stuff, often because I've already given the same answer before, but he seems to think that makes me an expert on everything.
"How can I recreate it?" was one of them, which is such a weird hypothetical that I don't think it even makes sense. Nobody creates lightning - unless I'm even more ignorant than I thought. I assume he didn't meant literally, but I'm lost as to what he actually wanted. Besides, even if I did know how to summon another storm, I certainly wouldn't tell anybody - least of all a maniac like him. I'm not sure my savings could afford any more damage like last night.
Anyway, he left at lunchtime for a dentist appointment he'd forgotten to tell anyone about - that's classic scatterbrain Jonas for you - so I didn't get the chance to ask him what the hell he was on about. I do worry about him sometimes, you know - whether he's actually not all there, beyond the jokes I make along similar lines. Hopefully he's just a bit shocked and excited by living through a freak occurrence like that. I guess I can always check in with him tomorrow.
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