where do i start?

am i happy with my life right now? i have no friggen clue. am i going to use capital letters? no. will i use spell check to avoid people hating my writing? of course calm down.

im in a pickle. i don’t know where my life is. i’m sad almost 17 hours a day for the time i’m awake and not eating or sleeping. i used to be happy. i used to think i had the best dream guy on the planet, but i don’t feel the butterflies anymore. sex is the worst, i am never motivated, i’m lazy and i honestly would just rather fall asleep. hygiene is becoming a huge factor honestly because i’m finding myself repelled by him sometimes. 

it has been a lot of years. i see other guys, on tele, on the street, they look at me. i don’t know what they think of me, but maybe they are thinking of me (not the guys on tele lol(well..?)) some guys even ive gone so far to talk to them and tell them how i feel about my relationships. (boy was that wrong><)

I think i want to date again, but i’ve never broken up with anyone before. i dont even know if what i’m saying is what i want to do. i love his family, i love him, but what even is love? isn’t it meant to be all roses and flowers and fireworks and happy times? i fell like i’m just in it cause i’m in it. i don’t have many friends. losing this is like losing my best friend. which sucks.

for months now ive been having extreme bubby fever. which is the absolute fucking worst because im young (but not too young geez) and i absolutely feel clucky and wanting someone to look after. but this guy. i don’t know. i don’t know if this IS the guy. I want the best. but for them to be the best i have to be the best. like sex i’m incredibly lazy and i don’t know if i can be the best. i don’t want to be a cat lady. i don’t want to wait another 10 years to find, the 1.

i can’t help but think where i’ll be in a few years, months time with this. it’s all so real. knowing myself i know i’m stuck in a situation i don’t like. yet i chose not to do anything about it. ah fuck.