How long can I last ? I’m on edge and I’m so close to letting go…

Fighting battles I never knew I’d have to face. Am I strong enough ???

Plain and simple. Do not hit my line up if you’re not about it honey.

Life is like a candle. We are the flame and the wax is our life span. Once the flame burns all the wax, our life comes to an end. If the flame is blown out early, the life was just simply cut short.

You say “we don’t condone that weird stuff. We stand with our women”. Really ? You being a bystander with silence, letting me handle everything? That’s standing with women? You’ve said it multiple times in the past, “I don’t do anything if its not my problem”. That’s not a man that’s a boy, who sits and watches….that’s a p**** to me.

One thing I must say is I came a long way with addiction yet the road is still long but someday I will reach the end… I feel it coming to an end.

This world is so lonely…filled with emptiness…I need to find my purpose but how where and when ? I’m not sure. God has the answer but how can I seek the answer to the question ?

I don’t have any friends…. Not one person anymore. Why? I’m not sure I lose hope, interest, and energy. I’m just tired of being the one calling….when the phone goes both ways. Will I ever hear my phone ring ? No. Therefore, I shall not beg for any friendship. I rather be the loneliest person on earth before I start to beg.

Being alone is a feeling of emptiness. As if you don’t know what to do but to result to the wrong old habits…. Will I try to fight the urges? Yes I will try but I can’t promise anything.

I’ve learned that I should be on my own…. To not be bothered. To do absolutely everything on my own like go to the store, go watch a movie, drink by myself…. I don’t think it’s good for me to be alone but I need too.

Always be independent. That’s it. Be the adult and swallow it and acknowledge it. No one is ever there. Through thick and thin …. Family is only there.

At the end of the day you need to acknowledge that NO ONE and I mean NO ONE but your FAMILY MEMBERS will be there. No one else. If you think “YOURE BFFS” will always be there. They are lying. That’s the point of adulting.

Hey I need this I need that bitch I NEED you to leave me tf alone

The Way June 30

Do you still think about me ? The way I run my fingers through your blond silky hair. The way I gently touch your cheek. The way I tighten my hands around your biceps while you pull me closer. The way I wrap my legs around yours. The way it feels is so right.

June 30

The flash backs run through my head all day. Daydream of what could still be. Going anywhere we desire. Staying out late to sneak in the golf course to star gaze. Only having each others body pressed against each other for warmth.

It’s the thrill intensity feeling you get with no one else.I feel secured, protected, safe, like it’s where I belong. Endless butterflies every time you look and touch me.

April 22, 2021

I don’t know what to do with my life. I’m filled with regret, sadness, and just emptiness. I know what I want but only God himself can give me what I desire. I want to be ok. I want my father to be ok. It kills every ounce of me. I do what I do because I can’t take this life anymore. I don’t deserve this life like my father does. I want to take every drop of his pain onto me. I want it all. That’s all I desire.

April 15 2021 | You

The flashbacks run through my head. You taking advantage of me. I trusted you to be my friend. To take care of me that night only to take advantage. It makes me sick to stomach. I blame myself for asking you for help. It’s been almost 4 years but it feels like it was yesterday.