My mom is toxic

My mother struggles with bipolar disorder. I would never say that she is a terrible mom because I know there are things she can not control, however, she is still extremely toxic. Whether it comes to my relationship, my career and a whole bunch of other things my mom always finds a way to make me feel like shit about something. I could be exaggerating but let me give you some examples.

1. When my boyfriend and I started dating she was extremely surprised at first it was actually the one time I saw her look excited. After a few months, that's when the little jabs started. My mom would constantly talk about how my boyfriend wasnt going to like me anymore because I am on the heavier side. She would tell me that if I don’t cook and clean how would I expect to keep a man. None of these suggestions have kept her bf from cheating on her so clearly thats not important.

2. My mom has pysically assulted me but i dont want to talk about that yet...

3. She never supports anything I do. Im in the process of starting my own business. I also live in my own apartment with my bf. When I laid out my business plan for my mom to look at she wasnt interested in looking at it and then proceeded to send me applications for jobs she thinks I should do. 

I love my mother to death but I AM TIRED! We used to be best friends because we went through everything together from homelessness to vacationing on islands and everything in between. Now her bf is her entire world. She does everything for and with him...even talking about me.  Im starting to think I might be stuck in the past because I miss having my mom.

Starting Over.

For the last four years, I have been battling with depression and anxiety. I don't know what happened in my life, but one day I woke up and I felt different, and I haven't been the same since. Anxiety has crippled me in every social way. I barely go outside by myself unless for work or food. When I do come back home I am immediately drained, no matter how long I was outside. I’ve also pushed many of my friends away because I started flaking on them and I feel terrible. (More anxiety because I've flaked so much, I don't get invited anywhere anymore) but I miss being with my friends. I just keep my distance because I don’t want to let them down anymore. True...I'm so sorry I missed your birthday party I really wanted to go...I even was dressed before I saw all the people on your InstaStory and chickened out. My heart is aching most days because I have so much love and support I want to give my friends and they probably want nothing to do with me...How do I even begin to fix something like that? I feel silly even saying I have anxiety to anyone besides my boyfriend. I’m scared that it's going to get worse and that I will fall into a depression so deep I’m going to want to do something I will regret. I just want so help and I just want to start over. 

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Im thinking about turning this into like a mini diary...I have so much on my mind and so many things sitting on my heart I just really want to talk to someone.

♛

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