A Good Hike

A good night's sleep always does wonders for me. I got up this morning and decided to go hiking. I followed through on it and it was awesome to be outside on a beautiful day. I hiked a little more than 5 miles. It was exactly what I needed to get my body and mind back in shape. I love falling into bed exhausted and knowing that I earned it today.

Uncomfortable

I feel uncomfortable; physically and emotionally. Not sure what all is feeding into that. I'm unmotivated, apathetic, and distant. All of that together is uncomfortable. I'm hoping that a good night's sleep will right the wrongs of this day. Unfortunately I still have an hour until my usual bedtime. Do I just declare to my family that I am heading to bed early? I always get pushback whenever I feel the need to do that. Or do I tough it out? Early bedtime it is. To hell with appearances for the sake of appearances.

Still Not Sure

Wanted to go for a hike today. No, I planned on going for a hike today. Packed my lunch and my day pack with the intention of going. However, I then talked myself out of it before I passed by my house after my morning pet sitting. I mostly wanted time where I could sit around and do nothing before I had to do more pet sitting. My laziness has reached a new level. Is this depression? Still not sure.

Minimal Suffering

I still have a lot of pet sitting to get through this week. I'm stressed but getting through it with minimal suffering. My hardest day is still to come but I am certain it will be fine just as everything has been fine up until this point. I'm excited for the backpacking trip I have planned for the end of March. I know it's still a over a month until then but I can't help myself. I've been thinking about it a lot lately. It helps that I have to dehydrate some food in order to have semi healthy things to eat on trail. That gives me something practical to do/think about leading up to the actual trip. Mentally I have been dealing with some anxiety and have been feeling somewhat down lately. I wouldn't call it depression but definitely on the low side. I'm not concerned about it. Winter is ending and spring is usually a good time of year for me. Oh and Happy Valentine's day! I got a big box of chocolates from my hubby. What a sweet man he is.

My Psyche

I had more pet sitting to do so the couch was lonely today. I feel good about being busier. Laying on the couch isn't good for my psyche. I have quite a bit of pet sitting coming up. Perhaps by the end of it I'll be feeling better all around.

Grace

I'm limping along over here. I'm nearly physically recovered from the stomach bug I have been experiencing over the last couple of weeks but emotionally I have a hole to climb out of. I'm still on the BRAT diet which is depressing in and of itself. Each day this week I have intended to get back into my routine and address things which were neglected while I was sick. However, every day I have found myself on the couch without much motivation to do anything else. Hopefully this will resolve itself soon. I’ve been giving myself some grace here because really what else can I do.

Less Existential

I'm feeling a bit less existential this evening. I'm still not fully recovered from being sick. Unfortunately I am sick enough to feel like crap but not sick enough to take off from my pet sitting gigs. However, I am grateful I don't have a 9 to 5 job that I would have to show up to every day. I'm lucky in so many ways and that's only one of them. My family is great about giving me the time I need to recover. Even my dog seems to understand and has been demanding less and spending more time giving back to me. Maybe she just likes how much time I've been spending on the couch. Life is hard though. Anyone who says differently is selling something.

As Good as It Gets

I went into Roanoke today because I had a counseling appointment. About 2 hours before my appointment time they texted me to tell me the appointment had been canceled. So then I was left on my own questioning my place in the world; having an existential crisis. However life is hard and no amount of counseling is going to change that. Let's get down to brass tacks. I have had more anxiety filled/sick days than I've had good days over the past month. Is this what I can expect out of life? Is this as good as it gets? Or with lots of hard work can I eke out a few more good days and swing the balance in my favor? Is it even worth the trouble at this point? I could have used an objective yet sympathetic ear this afternoon. Because right now things are looking pretty bleak.

Uninspired

I'm feeling uninspired. I'm still recovering from being sick. I'm almost 100% except that my stomach feels full when I should be hungry. I trust my body will right itself in time. Until then it's taking up bandwidth in my brain leaving me feeling decidedly uninspired.

Feeling Better

I had some kind of stomach bug that was causing malabsorption of my antidepressant which also then gave me withdrawal symptoms. I went to the doctor and got some medicine for nausea which helped a lot. Today I feel human again for the first time in almost a week. I've received a full dose of my medication for 3 days now and the mood symptoms have resolved. Life feels possible again.

Mood Symptoms

I have mood symptoms today. Still sick as well. Sent a message to my psychiatrist this morning but haven't heard back. Been laying on the couch all day crying. No reason of course. So much for mundane.

Small Favors

I'm still sick. Going to take a covid test to rule that out. If I am not better in 2 days I will go to the doctor. No fever. I did throw up early this morning. No mood symptoms atleast. Thank God for small favors.

Medication Gods

I pissed off the medication gods with my post yesterday. Today I am sick. It feels like I forgot to take my antidepressant except I didn't. I’m having the telltale brainzaps whenever I move too quickly. I'm nauseated. I don't have a fever which is also why I think it might be medication related. Usually when I feel this way, I take the missed dose and start feeling better. I guess this time there's nothing to do but wait and hope.

Medication Dance

I go back and forth when it comes to wanting to take my medication. Some days I feel like I wouldn't be here without it. Other times I feel like it is holding me back, dulling me and making me less social. Don't get me wrong, I take it faithfully everyday. But how I feel about the subject changes. I wish there was a magic pill that could solve whatever problems got me on the medication in the first place but there isn't. Any medication has its pros and cons. I wouldn't say I’m more functional now that I am on medication. I'm different but that's all I know for sure. After trying the medication route for the last 16 years, I would like to try to live without it to see if I’m more functional that way. So, late last year, I made the decision to titrate off of all my medications. I'm working with my psychiatrist to slowly go down on my antidepressant first. Hopefully after that I can get off the antipsychotic I’m on. I reserve the right to change my mind if I experience any unwanted symptoms during the titration but so far so good.

Emotional Grace

I had my counseling appointment today. It was hard in that I found myself feeling very discouraged and sad talking about the Minor Fall (refer to post by that name). Overall the session was good. I need to get more comfortable with my strong emotions. I always try to tamp them down. That used to work for me when I was young but no longer does. The emotions refuse to be tamped leaving me feeling wrong and crazy. I need to give myself grace to authentically experience my emotions whatever they are.

A Hole I Don't Want to Have to Climb Out of

When does being a homebody turn into avoiding life? I love my days at home. It recharges me and helps me to relax. However, at some point it begins to feel like I'm hiding from other people. I don't have any friends but I'm content not to have any. Maybe it becomes hiding when you want friends but don't act on it? Or when you want to go out but don't go for fear of what might happen? I stay home a good portion of the time but I'm ok with that. I'm tired of struggling socially in order to meet other people's expectations of what my life should look like. My small life is comfortable for me at this point. I guess I am asking the question because I don't want to wake up one day and find myself agoraphobic or any version there of. That's a hole I don't want to have to climb out of.

Patterns

Today has been a full day. I finally preserved those beets I was talking about over a week ago. I also made some more ice cream. Then I went to have lunch with my mom and sister. Afterwards I went to Walmart to pick up a few things. I am exhausted. On the bright side, I haven't had any anxiety today. Not sure what triggers my anxiety because if Walmart and hanging out with family didn't do it then I don't know what would. I need to pay attention in the moment of my anxiety to note what my triggers are. Right now it feels kind of random but I know there must be a pattern there.