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antisocial-socialbutterfly · 10 hours

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I came here for giggles and ALL I GOT WERE TEARS!!

I know I love reading angst but this was a callout I was not expecting. Pain pain pain pain pain and pain.

Been a while since I read some angst so this hurted A LOT (That's a compliment now)

Omw to play "long for you"

—closure.

pairing: hwang hyunjin x reader

genre: angst, college au, dance major hyunjin, art major reader

word count: 4.3k

summary: sometimes, loving someone just isn't enough.

a/n: hellooo, it's finally here! for those who might casually come across this, this is part 27 of my social media au "watercolor". sorry it took me so long, i was just going through a bit of a writer's block lol. anyway, i hope you guys enjoy! and as always i would loveee to read your thoughts on this, so please let me know!!

"We've made out and gone out a couple of times but that's it".

"We don't owe anything to each other".

"We're not a couple".

"Let's stop acting like one".

Hyunjin was unable to stop going through the texts you had sent him minutes ago. He read them over and over, as if just by staring at them hard enough, wishing they said something different, they would magically change. But they didn't. Instead, his heart would only annoyingly squeeze in his chest with every read of your words. Each time hurting more than the last.

He didn't know which one of your statements hurt the most. Maybe the one where you reduced your entire relationship to just making out and going out a couple of times. Maybe the one where you said you didn't owe exclusivity to one another, or the one where you reminded him you were not a couple.

Or maybe the last one, where you put a stop to it all.

He hadn't been able to reply to that one, and therefore the conversation seemed to be over.

What was he supposed to say anyway? "Okay"? "Fine"? Hyunjin truly didn't know what to say to that — one-word answers that did not reflect his true feelings about the whole situation were all that came to mind. If anything, he was not okay with it. Things were not "okay". Everything was not "fine". His chest was hurting in a way it never had before, and he was finding it hard to breathe. So, he had said nothing. He just sat there, watching the previous 'online' status on your chat change to the time you had closed it, as he re-read the conversation over and over.

Hyunjin didn't know when it had all gone wrong. Only a few days ago you were better than ever. He recalled the last day you spent together quite perfectly. You had been texting back and forth all day, to the point he had been called out in one of his classes by his professor, as at one point he couldn't contain a giggle of his after reading your latest reply — it had been quiet, hardly ever audible, but the complete silence of the room as Mr. Kim gave his lecture, had backfired on him.

He had waited for you after your last class later that day, and you had gone for shaved ice together, like he had been craving for days now. You had even invited Felix at some point, and although Hyunjin had expected to have some alone time with you that day, it had been fun. Spending time with you was always fun.

Then while the sun went down, he had walked you to your dorm — just the two of you, as Felix had seemed to get the memo. He found it hard to keep his eyes away from you, especially when the light night breeze would hit your face and your hair would move along with it. You were quite the sight. You had always been, he was just too stubborn to let himself admire you in all your splendor before.

"I hope all the wait to get your precious shaved ice was worth it" you had laughed, turning around to look at him after you reached the entrance to your building.

He nodded, standing only a few centimeters away from you. "Would've been even more worth it if you hadn't invited Felix behind my back".

"I didn't!" you played dumb, earning a small laugh from him as he took a step towards you.

"Mhm… sure, baby" his eyes squinted accusingly, yet all you could focus on was that pet name you could still not get used to hear coming from his lips. "I'm taking your phone away next time, so I can make sure it's only the two of us".

Your eyes looked away from his, feeling your face burn as a smile curved up the corners of your mouth. "If you wanted me all to yourself so bad, you should've just said so".

"Thought it was a given," his confident words had you looking back up at him, only to be met with his intense stare as he pulled you closer by your hand. "Let's go out just the two of us next time, yeah?"

You nodded, silently, with a shy, loving smile parting your lips. You wouldn't have it any other way.

"Now give me a kiss before you go inside" he demanded, puckering his lips for you to close the space between them and yours.

You bit your bottom lip in amusement. "And why would I do that?"

"I mean, you haven't kissed me at all today and on top of that you sabotaged our alone time, so…"

"And that concerns me because…"

Hyunjin rolled his eyes, tugging at your hand to pull you closer and get what he wanted. "Come here, you tease".

The small giggle that had just escaped your mouth was muffled by his — soft, sweet lips trapping your own, sucking on them ever so gently as his hand cupped your cheek.

Had he known that was the last time he would kiss you, he would've taken his sweet time with you. He wouldn't have let go of you for a good couple of minutes, until your lips were swollen and your breathings were heavy, not caring at all about being in the middle of a public alley.

He tried to recall something, anything he could've said to make you start avoiding him and pushing him away after that day, but he could not find a single thing. You had bickered like you always did, flirted like it was oh-so-usual by now. You had kissed. You had laughed. When did it all go wrong?

The only reasonable explanation he could think of took him back to Changbin. You had been avoiding him all week, excusing yourself on the fact that you were busy, yet you had immediately jumped at the opportunity to spend some time with Bin — maybe not exactly like that, but that's how Hyunjin pictured it. Did you catch feelings for Changbin along the way? You wouldn't, right? Not now that you and him were together. You had been into him since first year, you wouldn't go to one of his best friends now that you finally got to be with him, would you?

Then again, you had been sleeping with Changbin for months now… but that didn't make your feelings for him go away before. They wouldn't go away now of all times, would they?

It just made no sense. The entire situation made no sense. He needed more than just a couple of texts telling him off for him to understand what was the reason behind it.

Reading your last conversation one last time, he felt like he would go crazy if he didn't get to the core of it. So, closing your chat for once and for all, he decided he wasn't letting you go without a proper explanation.

-—-—-—-—-—-—-♡

Going home didn't seem as appealing that day. In fact, going home hadn't been appealing at all those last few days. Even though you had Cherry as your roommate and she did a great job at keeping you company, she could not be with you at all times, and it was those alone, silent moments, the ones you dreaded the most, for those were the moments your thoughts took over and your heart hurt the most.

You had felt numb ever since your last conversation with Hyunjin that evening, but you knew the moment you were left alone, you would break down.

Changbin had been right next to you as you and Hyunjin texted back and forth, and although he didn't know what was being said, you could tell he was worried over your lack of reaction after you shoved your phone back in your pocket. It was as if all emotion had been snatched away from you. Your face remained serious, detached, and the usual light in your eyes had been put out.

"You okay?" he had wondered, oblivious as to what had just happened between you and his friend.

You shrugged, not meeting his eyes as you leaned back on the bench you had been sitting on and stared into one of the many trees the park was surrounded with.

You said nothing. You felt nothing. Or maybe you felt so fucking much, so many feelings, so much hurt, that your mind was protecting you by shutting its every emotion down altogether.

It helped that Binnie was with you, he was good at keeping you distracted and at cheering you up. But he had a life of his own and things to get done with, and you could not avoid going home forever. You could not wander around campus on your own all night long, after all. Saying goodbye and going your different ways at the end of the day was only inevitable — as inevitable as the dreaded silence that awaited you back in your bedroom.

The only thing that seemed avoidable so far was talking to Hyunjin any further. You hadn't checked your phone ever since you had last hit 'send' on that text that ended it all. You didn't know if he had said anything else after that, but you did know that you were not reading what he had to say — if he had something to say at all. At least not that night.

Just for tonight, you wanted to forget about Hwang Hyunjin altogether. You wanted to forget about how head over heels you were for him. How hard your heart would beat against your chest whenever you even simply thought of him. How much you loved his eyes and the small freckle underneath one of them. How much you loved his lips and the way they would feel against yours, knowing just how to make you weak to your knees. How much you loved his laugh, from the sound of it to the way his entire body would move whenever he did.

Most importantly, you wanted to forget about everything that had happened between the two of you the last few weeks. You wanted to forget how goddamn happy you were, thinking he was starting to feel something for you and to take you seriously as a possible future partner, all while he was feeling trapped in a relationship he had never asked for.

You wanted to forget about his conversation with Felix more than anything.

You just wanted to forget.

Which is why you were not happy to see Hyunjin waiting outside your building.

You had caught a glimpse of his figure from afar as soon as you turned to your dorm's alley. It was dark, a dim light coming from the entrance being all you could use to see him, but you could always recognise him from miles away.

His grey t-shirt seemed to be doing little to nothing for him when it came to protecting him from the rather cold wind of the night, but he didn't seem to care. Still, he looked preoccupied, far gone in his own thoughts as he remained sat down on the ground — back pressed against your building while you supposed he waited for you to either arrive or come out of it. He didn't know if you had already made it back home from your little hang out with Changbin, after all.

A part of you wanted to turn around and go crash at Jeongin's — maybe even at Han's, if Minho was okay with you staying regardless of the current state of your friendship. However, another part of you, the one that was still incredulous over everything that happened, the one that was numb over it all, could not care less about having to face him.

So, you kept on walking, ignoring his presence as you walked past him and made your way to the front door.

Of course, you would not get away with it that easily. One look at you as you walked by was all it took for him to be up to his feet and stop you from opening the door.

"We need to talk, don't you think?"

You said nothing, staring deeply into the doorknob he had kept you from turning.

"Y/N..." he pushed. "Will you look at me?"

Biting down on your lip as you exhaled heavily, you looked up to him. One look into his worried chocolate eyes was all it took for the numbness to go away. All it took for you to realise you were not strong enough to face him right then.

"Can we talk?"

You looked away. "I said everything I had to over texts".

"That's not enough. If you're shutting me out the least I deserve is an explanation" he stated, managing to get your eyes to focus on his. "I don't get it, I—we were doing so well up until the other day…"

"I didn't know you felt stuck with me up until a few days ago".

That sentence alone had gotten his entire body to tense up. "What?"

"Don't make me repeat it..."

"Baby, I d—"

"Don't," you warned him. "There's no need for you to keep acting like some kind of… unofficial boyfriend anymore just because you pity me".

"Pity you?" he asked, disbelief all over his face. "When have I ever pitied you…"

"So what would you call being with me and keeping yourself from sleeping around just because you don't want to hurt my feelings?"

His face fell, and that's when it hit him — why you had started acting this way towards him so out of the blue, why you no longer wanted to be with him. Felix. The conversation they had that other night.

The one where he said he wished you didn't have feelings for him because that way he would be able to still sleep around.

The one where he said he had gotten stuck in a relationship he never wanted.

The conversation that was just him trying to put into words the mess that was going on in his head over everything he was feeling for you, and how it was affecting his mindset when it came to commitment — everything he had never felt before you came in the picture.

He hadn't found a reason for you to start acting this way because he had been looking in the wrong place. It wasn't what he had done the last day you had spent together, but what he had told his best friend afterwards.

To say Hyunjin was speechless would be a understatement. That conversation was never supposed to leave that chat, Felix was never supposed to tell you about it. He wanted to scream at him, ask him why the hell he had done it and ruined what the two of you had just like that, but that could wait. Right now, you were in front of him, about to walk away for good. Felix and his anger towards him could wait.

"Y/N... what I said, I was—I am confused..." he sighed. "Everything happened so fast, I don't know what I'm feeling or what I want... but I knew what you wanted and I... I'm sorry..."

There it was again, that sharp pain in your chest that you were so used to by now. "I never meant for my feelings to be such a burden to you".

"That's not w—"

"You don't owe me anything just because I caught feelings for you, Hyunjin. Especially now that I called things off. You're free, you can stop pretending now".

"Pretending?" Hyunjin blurted out. "I was never pretending at all".

You let out a heavy sigh, trying to walk past him. "Just go, Hyunjin. I'm done here".

He grabbed your wrist. "Why can't you just talk to me?!"

"Because!" you turned around, eyes already welling up with tears you refused to let fall down. "I'm embarrassed. I feel stupid, I feel delusional, I…" your breathing became heavier. "I feel like I'll break down any time now in front of you and I'm embarrassed enough as it is".

His eyes softened, and his hand loosened its hold on you. "Baby…"

"Stop it with that. I'm not your baby" you pulled your hand away from him. "What's the point if you don't want to be in a relationship with me to begin with".

"Why does it have to be so complicated?" he wondered. "Why do we have to put a label on it, why can't we just be together as it is".

"Because I'm not ready to see you with someone else. I won't ever be as long as I feel something for you".

"I haven't been with anyone else since we first kissed" he sounded desperate for you to believe him. "I promise you I haven't".

You shrugged, a weak smile curving up your lips. "Just because you don't want to hurt me, not because you feel like being with me only".

He stayed silent, and you could only feel your heart squeeze inside your chest over the silent confirmation.

"I meant it when I said I never meant for my feelings to be such a burden to you, Hyunjin. I thought you were with me because you wanted to, not because you found yourself living up to my expectations. I don't want you to be with me because you feel like you have to, like I'll die if you leave me".

"Your feelings are not a burden, Y/N…"

"Sure feels like it".

"They're not".

"Why are you with me then?"

Another pause on his end. "Huh?"

"Why are you with me?" you repeated. "If it's not because you don't want to break my heart, then why?"

"I like you" he said in a heartbeat, truthfully. "You know how much I like you".

"And what makes it any different from all the other girls you like?"

"You… you're... I mean—I don't," he stumbled upon his own words as he desperately tried to come up with them, getting a sad smile from you. "It's not that simple..."

"You can't even find a reason," you mumbled. "And it's okay, I'm not gonna force you to love me back".

Love.

Hyunjin found himself looking up at you at the sound of that — heart just having skipped a beat, and a spark he could not control in his eyes.

"Love you back?" he whispered.

You smiled weakly, only then realising what you had just said. It was no news that you loved him. Fuck, you had been in love with him since the first moment you saw him. You had just never said it out loud. Not to him, at least.

This was definitely not how you would've liked to tell him. Not when you were trying to end things with him. But maybe it was for the best — maybe this way you would be able to get your closure and move on.

"I'm in love with you, Hyunjin" you said, like it was the easiest, most obvious thing in the world. "Thought you knew it very well by now? I haven't been very subtle about it".

"I didn't…" he blinked.

To like him? That he knew. Have feelings for him? Of course. But love was a whole other thing. Love was a big word. It was a very deep feeling. And he was just now realising just how serious you were about him — just how much had been at stake for you all along.

"Well then, now you know" you let out a shaky breath, feeling ever so little under his stunned stare. "I've been in love with you for over a year now".

"You have?" his voice came out soft as ever, almost scared to ask.

"Mhm…" you nodded. "Ever since the first time Mrs. Moon brought you as the model for our drawing session. It's been a good while since I've been pining after you… and honestly, by this point…" a heavy sigh escaped your lips, being followed by a small shrug as you looked away from his eyes. "I'm just… tired".

His heart sunk. "What do you mean you're tired?"

"I'm tired of waiting around, of chasing after you…" your eyes met his saddened ones once more. "I mean, now that I know how you truly feel about a possible relationship with me, I think I'm done chasing after you".

"Y/N—"

"No, please" you cut him off. "Let me talk. I know this might be tiresome, and I wasn't gonna say anything, but now I just... need to let it all out so I can get my closure".

Hyunjin leaned sightly back, that simple world feeling like a bucket of ice cold water being thrown right over his head.

"Closure?"

You nodded, not being able to look him in the eye. "I knew you didn't want a relationship, I mean, you told me so yourself even before anything happened between us, but I..." you took a deep breath, needing to compose yourself. "After you kissed me at the art studio, and then when you started inviting me over to your place and whatnot, and treating me in what I thought was a special way... I let myself be delusional and believe you had changed your mind, and that you were acting that way because you wanted to be with me".

"I do want to be with you" he reassured.

"Not in the same way I want to be with you. Not in the way I need you to" you denied. "We're on two complete opposite sides when it comes to love, Jinnie. I'm not afraid of it, nor am I scared to show my feelings. I have so much love to give, as cheesy as it sounds, and I want… I deserve someone who will love me back just as much, and won't be afraid to show it" the softness of your voice didn't stop the hurt — hearing he was not what you needed hurt like hell. "And you need someone who is into the whole no strings attached thing just like you are. We're just not compatible, I guess. As much as it hurts me and I wished we were".

"Why can't we just find a common ground?" Hyunjin insisted. "I'm just… so confused right now, Y/N. If you just gave me time to figure it out…"

"You've had lots of time to figure it out, though. Nothing's changed so far when it comes to you not wanting a relationship" you pointed out. "Seriously, Hyunjin, do you ever see yourself in a serious, formal relationship with me? Do you see me as your girlfriend at one point?"

"I just need time..." he whispered.

"You're not answering my question" you couldn't hide your disappointment by now.

"Y/N... please..."

"I understand that you need time to figure it out, but I can't just wait around for you to do it anymore. I mean, what if we keep acting like a couple and then after a while you realise that it's really, truly not what you want?" your point had him lowering his head. As much as he didn't like it, he knew you were right. "I can't risk getting my heart broken like that".

He bit his bottom lip, gently reaching for your hand before his eyes fixed on yours. "I don't wanna lose you".

"But you don't want to be in an exclusive relationship with me either…"

His eyes abandoned yours, focusing on his feet instead. That was all the confirmation you needed.

"You can't have everything, Hyunjin" you let him know, slipping your hand away from his. "You say you want to be with me, but you also want to be with other people. I'm just making it easier for you by taking a step to the side, you don't have to choose anymore".

"Shouldn't it be my decision?" his eyebrows knitted together. "Shouldn't I say whether I want to stay with you or not?"

"Not when my heart is the one at stake".

"So this is it?" he asked. "You're just giving up on us?"

"Was there ever an 'us'?"

Hyunjin bit his tongue, not having an answer to that, yet wishing he did.

It was funny, in the worst way — how all this time he had been so reluctant to admit you were together to the world, yet now that you were the one to make it seem like you were not, uneasiness was fast to rush through his body.

"So where does that leave us," his question came out more bitterly than he had intended. "We stop talking and seeing each other just like that?"

You shook your head no. "We're in the same friend group now, it'd be like going back to the way we were before this whole thing happened. Minus me looking for excuses to talk to you and see you pretty much every day" a breathy laugh escaped your lips, one that wasn't enough to light up the mood. "Gonna be a hard habit to break, but…"

"I don't want that" he confessed.

"Why?" you tilted your head. "You're free to go to whoever you want now".

He shook his head, taking a step back. "You're being unfair".

"All I'm saying is you won't have to keep yourself from fooling around with other girls anymore".

"So you're telling me you won't be hurt anymore if I started sleeping around again?"

"For a while, yes" you admitted. "I do have feelings for you after all, and, unlike you, I can't just suck it up".

He was unable to say anything else, looking almost ashamed as he was reminded of his own words — the very ones he had confided in to Yongbok a few days ago.

You were finally able to reach for the doorknob without having him stop you, twisting it without a second thought and holding the door open while he remained speechless.

"But don't worry about it, it'll only hurt for a while. I'm getting rid of them" you looked at him one last time, regretting it the second your eyes locked with those dark brown of his you loved so much. "I have to get ready for tomorrow's class now, so... I'll see you around".

With that, you walked into the building, leaving him to deal with the lump in his throat and the aching pressure in his chest he didn't know he would feel.

tag list: @blaaiissee @hyuneytoast @staysuki @tardiscompanion @princehyun-jin @hyuka-luvbot @halesandy @nattisbored @qnjayn @hibuki-chan @purenjuniverse @seungly @suhnnyskiess @midsoulz @yellowroseskolchek @esme-ordaz @perriwiinkle @firnze @soobin-chois @readingfanfic-ly @multifandomizer @elviransworld @valewoos @ktttwwn @hazzaloveschopsuey @hannahdinse8 @youngestdelacour @zoe8stay @leechanniee @phenomenalgirl9 @aeminju @threevracha @kai-maree @laryisthinking @wolfietara @iam2out @kingggjaay @cosmic-railwayxo @straykidsficsrecsbaby @marsophilia @choibeomgogi @ddaengpotate @oceanyocean @rinsdesires @jhslmhbtsskz @lixlovesworld @keenlampponyclam @yerimselgi @rubberduckieyourtheone @littlestarhyun

#idk why I didn't expect angst when the chapter is literally titled “closure”#Yeah just gonna go cry in the corner #It's a good thing I'm reading this after the fic is complete...and cause I pulled a “Seungmin” and read the ending first

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