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andriasdeath · 3 years

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And here it comes again -

a name, a single name existing solely for the purpose of tearing me apart, to cut open the flesh barely holding me together (just like the blade it makes me want to reach out for) -

I wish to pour myself on the floor, to waste myself in drops of flashing red until there’s a pretty scene to interpret, to give this a name to be heard -

but there already is a name, a name so cruel I want to shake my head until it’s gone, until I no longer remember it and all the shame it brought along;

and then again, it’s written there: carved on my skin, mute but still loud

#haveanicedoomsday #personal #poem #17012021

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andriasdeath · 5 years

Quote

A place called ‘home’ doesn’t exist.

(via haveanicedoomsday)

#mine

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andriasdeath · 5 years

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It’s one of those nights. I see them. They’re here and they’re watching me. I know it. I can hear them. I see these lights. I sense their touches. I hear the crackles. I feel the heat. It’s them. After all, it’s one of those nights again.

#mine

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andriasdeath · 5 years

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Once again, a day without you has passed. I don’t know how long this feeling is going to last. You’re not even my desire anymore, merely a hazy notion. It makes me sick. You’re still in my blood and I don’t know why.

#mine

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andriasdeath · 5 years

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i don’t know how many years it’s been, but i still see your face every day. you’re always there, no matter if i get up in the morning or fall asleep after a long and stressful day.

at first, it scared hell out of me. every inch of my body was longing for you, craving for a touch that didn’t exist and probably never would. i still remember the tears pouring all over my face, whimpering a name i’d never be able to forget even though there were times when i wished i could.

i remember how the smile froze on my face right in the middle of a joyful experience, i still know what it feels like to get sad when the moment made me the luckiest person on earth.

sometimes, my breath stops. these are the moments when i feel so close to you that i swear i could touch you, but it never happens. i still fall asleep next to you. at times, you wake me up in the middle of the night to make sure i exist, that it wasn’t just a dream.

i still see the beauty in things you would have liked, smiling at the thought how your eyes would shine and your cheeks would blush. i’m still lost in your eyes - how sad i’ll miss them forever.

we play hide and seek. i always seek in places that do not exist to find a piece of you, but maybe you got lost in the game while i got lost in reality. if i’m the one who’s hunted or the one who’s hunting… i don’t know if that matters.

#mine

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andriasdeath · 5 years

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I fear I’m still too far away from everything and everyone around me - I’m afraid I’m not even close to myself anymore or at least not close enough to admit it all. I won’t admit how it did not only hurt me but ripped heaven out of me. Maybe it’s best to try and forget it all, forget your name and what the urge to punch you in your stupid unaware face feels like. It might be best just to shut off and stop being the woman I never was anyway.

#mine

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andriasdeath · 5 years

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there is still no culprit

and i am still in pain

because

pain is the price to pay

for arms that keep me close

and

how would they know

that my bones get crushed

so

in the end

i asked for it

and why should i not give

when in return, i receive

again

01:51

but

what if there is no culprit

and it was all just in my head

what if

i only imagined things

and it never really happened at all

but

if there was no culprit

there would have been nothing wrongful either

and

if nothing went wrong

shouldn’t that mean

that no harm was done

and if yes, why am i in so much pain?

#mine

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andriasdeath · 5 years

Text

01:51

but

what if there is no culprit

and it was all just in my head

what if

i only imagined things

and it never really happened at all

but

if there was no culprit

there would have been nothing wrongful either

and

if nothing went wrong

shouldn’t that mean

that no harm was done

and if yes, why am i in so much pain?

#mine

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