not okay. (chaotic thoughts about bulimia and mental health)

There’s this thought in my head, which doesn’t seem real, but for some reason it won’t go away and I didn’t feel this way for a long time...”I want to die”. I even said that to my friend after we successfully finished our final exam, mid conversation I suddenly said “I just want to die”. I don’t think my best friend even gave it a second thought or made a mental note that I said that. I don’t blame her.

I am bulimic. There I said it. This is me typing and saying this words and making it real. Before this I would treat it as something I do...I have orthorexic tendencies, but it’s so stupid I will throw up a cookie because it’s unhealthy but will smoke. Judge me. I know that’s stupid. I work out, I care about myself, I want to live a long healthy life, but I smoke, stress myself out, and purge. This doesn’t make sense. Yet this is so unlike me, because everywhere else I’m A-type, I try to be the best friend, daughter, student, employee, girlfriend (when I used to have a bf...that’s a whole other story, abusive boyfriend who fucked me over, so cliche right?). I feel an incredible amount of pressure 24/7, even when I’m sleeping.

My thoughts are very unorganized, I am struggling a lot right now. I’m sorry if this doesn’t make any sense. This is the 7th day in a row that I’ve binged and purged. My insides are hurting, my throat is burning, my face is so pale and under-eyes are blue, bloodshot eyes, extra veiny hands..My old scars on my wrists tend to show up more for some reason and it’s hard to look at them. Bulimia is disgusting. Eating disorders shouldn’t be glorified. It’s literally gross.

My best friend who at the time had moved from the country while I was still back home (and not in the US) had come out to be about her bulimia. I did my best to support her, I was trying to help...But I didn’t understand it. Now I do. And she’s the only who knows, but I feel like she doesn’t get me either. Because we are still far apart from each other. But I’d expect her to be more supportive...She never said anything wrong, it’s just that whenever I had the courage to say something about my ED, or tell her that I’m not doing so well..I get a feeling that she doesn’t really want to talk to me, or hear me out..She probably has a lot on her plate and can’t be there for me at all times...I don’t know. It just sucks.

I had decided that I’ll be good today. I had a good start to my day. Went out to lunch with my friends (they are amazing, but I don’t know what a friend is at this point) after school, and I ate like a normal human being, stopped when I was full. Then I decided to go work out because it’s been a week already, but I ended up staying in because it was super windy outside I was cold and shaky, and the previous I had got caught in the rain, I was soaked and cold for hours since my commute from work back home takes literally two hours. That being said I was feeling very weak, headache, even a little feverish, so I didn’t ended up going to the gym. I went grocery shopping instead to keep myself busy.

My body image has been terrible lately. I’ve been heavier but I feel my heaviest. I hate my ankles, hated them even when I was underweight, they always take away from my legs looking thin no matter how much weight I lose. I thought lifting weights would help me gain confidence. It did not. I did it the intelligent way. But I developed arm muscles, my arms and shoulders were the only parts of my body that actually looked thin at the time, not anymore...ah whatever. My bulimia is not even about being skinny anymore, I’ve cried enough over how much I hate my body. I remember as a teenager just breaking down over my reflection, stretch marks, cellulite, blue veins on my fat pale legs, hair, ingrown hair, goose bumps, surgery scars...

Anxiety has been through the roof. Even if I’m being productive and working toward a certain goal, there’s always some other problem bugging my mind. I feel like I’m falling behind, missing out, disappointing everyone around me.  Like even right now I feel so guilty about writing this post instead of going through my emails, or looking for an internship (what’s the point of trying, no one wants a part time international student on an F-1 visa in NYC anyway right?), coming up with yet another plan on how to postpone my graduation to buy me some time to stay here for a little longer (I don’t wanna go back home, I don’t have a home anymore. I never had one). There are so many parasites in my head, I feel like I’m going insane. There is clearly something wrong with me, I type this and think what a fake ass fucking bitch I am. I was crying on the train the other day, it’s so hard for me to actually cry I get excited when tears come out of my eyes. I feel relief after crying, but that’s a luxury nowadays, I’m too numb emotionally.  Maybe if I keep writing this posts, I’ll go through every demon one by one... I just hope someone reads this, please let me know that you did...I’m just feel so alone in my struggles with ED, depression and bipolar, it’s really hard for me to write this. I feel fake even though I know this is not fake, this is what’s constantly on my mind.   

Fall is finally approaching!!

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