adventuresofpostpartum-blog
Adventures In Postpartum
Little one was born in early December 2018 .
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And another er visit...
Around 5 last night, I started to feel really panicky. I was rocking back and forth and couldn't stop. This lead me to get more panicky and then lead to a huge depression spell. I couldn't talk. I thought I was having a psychotic break. So my husband called my parents and my parents came over. They gave me some food and water took me on a walk and gave me an ativan. Once I was calm and the huge depression spell was gone we were able to determine that my speech was still strange. I couldn't get the words I wanted to say out. I could think of them but it took a lot to get them out.
Once I got to the hospital, they went through the whole stroke protocol. Once it was determined it wasn't a stroke, they gave me some benydryl and determined it was a weird allergenic reaction to the meds I was taking. It went away within 15 minutes.
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Still here. Still struggling
It has been a tough couple of weeks. I have felt spacy and unable to focus. I have issues recalling words and am sleepy all day. I have been calling doctors that are supposed to pick up care with me and no one is calling me back.
Today I met with a new psychologist who started to know what she was talking about. She told me that the ability I was on could cause psychosis-like side effects and could be making me loopy. So she took me off of it. Hopefully the mumbling I am hearing and the baby crying that isn't there will go away. I really hope I don't have postpartum psychosis...
Update: I finally got ahold of one center that has an opening in a week and a half. At the time, that seemed like so much time. I felt this crushing panic that I wasn't going to make it that long. It is so hard to continue on with life feeling this way. However, once I took a step back, I thought it I was able to wait a month since my er visit, I can wait another week. And I was able to calm down a little to finish my day. I just need to hang on a little longer. I am hoping I can plan something fun every day so I have something to look forward to.
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Day 6
Today was a little tougher. My parents planned on going on a date tonight and I immediately panicked. I let it ruin most of my day. The thought of being alone, at night, stressed me out.
When they started to leave, they got into an argument, the dog was crazy and my LO wouldn't stop crying. However, they left and the world isn't ending because I am alone. I have had no intrusive thoughts yet. I think I am heading in the right direction. I have stress ate way too much food though...
What I have accomplished today
Woke up
Breastfed
Ate breakfast
sat outside
read
initiated and went on a walk for an hour
made rice crispy cookies
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Day 5
Another wonderful day. I hope I’m continuing to feel better over the next few days
Things I accomplished
Woke up
Breastfed
Ate
Went on a walk
Went to 2 stores
Showered
Enjoyed my time with my hubby
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Day 4
I have felt amazing today. These are days that give me hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Things I have accomplished today:
Woke up
breastfed multiple times
showered
went to visit my hubby at work (I drove by myself again!)
went to old navy and bought a pair of jeans and a sweater!
Bought a candle for my Mom
Went to target
watched 2 episodes of Superstore
I put real clothes on and went out for dinner with my parents.
Laughed
Didn't think about how miserable I was
I don't want to be too hopeful that my meds have kicked in but I feel like I am turning a corner.
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day 3
what I have accomplished:
woke up
breastfed my LO
worked out
went to get coffee
sat in the hot tub with my husband
showered
went on a date to eat dinner and see a movie (which I enjoyed. I haven't enjoyed a movie at the movie theater in a very long time)
I am noticing that I am having more good moments than bad moments but it is hard to see that during the bad moments. I guess it will always be a work in progress.
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Back to my parents
Last night, I had a therapy session, and it was determined that I needed to do something different in order to be safe and continue to heal. At first, I was ashamed that I needed help and had to go stay in my childhood home, with my dog, husband, and baby. But once I got here, I felt immediate relief. My mom poured me a glass of wine, my husband set up the pack and play and my dad played with the dog.
I was feeling like a burden because we had to figure out how to have my family drive to my house to make sure I wasn't alone. But now that I am with my parents, and I won't be alone for the foreseeable future, I feel so much better. The anxious, intrusive thoughts are subsiding for now. I woke up with this calm, hopeful feeling that I haven't had in a while. My hubby and baby are still sleeping, and I am excited for them both to wake up, instead of needing them to get up because I get panicky being alone.
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Success
Day 2 list of what I did instead of what I didn’t accomplish:
Woke up
Made breakfast
Breastfed my LO
Went to the gym.
Took a shower
Took a nap
Sat through a early intervention appointment
When to therapy
Advocated for myself and decided to go stay with my parents for awhile.
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Hope for recovery?
So my father came over yesterday to help. I was feeling really rough and needed to not be alone. He played with my little one while I cleaned the house, then when I was feeling too tired, he finished cleaning for me while I fed him.
My hubby came home, we had a clean house, I knew what I was going to eat for dinner and we watched game of thrones. My LO went to bed in his crib so I could get a few hours of sleep.
But this morning I woke up feeling like a big pile of poop. So I’m back to square one.
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Self care
I’m trying a new thing. I want to list the things I did today instead of the things I couldn’t do:
-got out of bed and brushed my teeth
went to the gym
- showered
-cleaned the bathroom, baby’s room and our room
-washed the sheets
-advocated for myself and told my parents I needed someone to come over to stay with me
-called 2 doctors and my job
-ate dinner
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Hope for recovery
I have spent a lot of time thinking about my wellbeing and self-care as well as triggers for my postpartum depression. I struggled right after my little one was born, felt like I was getting better and am now back in a hole. I have spent a lot of time thinking about how to care for myself when these episodes occur and I have been how to help myself get out of them.
How I know I’m sliding back in:
I stop eating, the intrusive thoughts come back, I am in more of a fog, lots of amazon shopping trying to find anything to fill the pit in my stomach.
Ways I start to pull myself out:
fresh air, sitcoms, lots of smoothies and grain bowls, not being alone, extra sleep, reminding myself to shower and brush my teeth
Self care to avoid the pits:
Eating healthy, going out to dinner with my hubby, watching SNL on Monday nights with my hubby, going to the gym, breastfeeding cafes, breastfeeding
THERE IS HOPE. EVEN IN THE DARKEST DAYS, I KNOW I WILL BE ABLE TO PULL MYSELF OUT.
#PPD#postpartumdepression#anxiety#depression#self love#self care#intrusive thoughts#intrusive thinking
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Psych ER pt 3
Once it was determined that I had a good support system at home and I was safe, they decided that I could go home. I was sent back into a jail cell like room and told to wait until they could complete the discharge paperwork. So I waited for an hour and a half.... At this point, my vision was blurry and was exhausted. I hadn't eaten in 6 hours and I needed to pump again. The guy in the hallway was getting woken up to go to be admitted. He was crying about how he was seeing the devil. My heart broke for him because he was clearly a scared college student who was off his meds. I was finally released with the name of a new psychologist and sent on my way.
This whole experience will haunt me forever. Since that day, I have not slept a whole night without waking up thinking about that man, laying on the couch, who was crying and talking about the devil. I am angry with my midwife for not taking the steps to avoid this. I am angry with my husband for not understanding how traumatized I am about this. I am angry with the staff for how I am treated. I feel like I took 12 steps backward that night with my recovery. I am not sure how to fix it. I have started by writing a letter to the hospital. I hope to write a letter to my midwife. I want to fix this problem but I feel like it is too systemic to fix.
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Psych ER pt 2
Eventually a nurse came in to discuss why I was there. She walked in and I had this immediate flood of relief because I thought I was going to get out of there soon. Then before talking to me, she left to deal with the guy in the hallway who was seeing the devil. She came back in, talked for five minutes and left. At this point, I finally got a pump but the outlets in the room weren’t working. So they found me a new room, with direct line of sight to the nurses station. This made me feel like even more of a zoo animal. All the nurses would stand together, clearly talking about me and just point. But still, no one came in to ask me if I needed anything or give me an encouraging word.
About 4 hours after I started this whole ordeal, I met with a social worker and psych who interviewed me. They took me into another, just as bright room that was even colder and made me sit on a couch oppsite of them. They asked me the same questions I’ve been asked all day and the psych threw a ton of different med ideas at me. At this point I was getting a migraine and couldn’t hear him very well. He told me I could either go home or stay for observation. I just wanted the migraine to go away.
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Psych ER pt 1
This week has been rough. I made an appointment with my therapist on Wednesday morning. I was having suicidal thoughts, scared to drive with my little one, scared to be alone. I had it all. So I skipped work and went to therapy. She told me to talk to my midwife to see if they could adjust my meds....
Went to my midwife, told her the whole story and instead of adjusting my meds, she sent me to the psych emergency room. It was awful. In a huge beautiful hospital, they sent me upstairs. I had to take my shoes off and they gave me socks that were gray, to signify that I was a psych patient. I was escorted up by two security guards. They brought me up and told me to sit in a chair and wait for something. The wing was brightly lit with fluorescent lights, you could hear other patients yelling about everything under the sun, people sleeping on couches waiting for something. I get the feeling no one really knew what they were waiting for. We were all in this weird limbo. Waiting.
Eventually, they got my into a room. With even brighter lights and dirty walls with some weird purple stuff on the ceiling. It was right across the hall from the nurse’s station. I felt like an animal in a zoo. They just kept looking in but none stopped to see what I needed. With a big window on the door, they locked me in with hopes of making sure the guy with who thought he was seeing the devil and clearly off his meds, wouldn't walk in my room. I waited and waited. I needed to pump.
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Better days?
Everyone is telling me that I will be out of this haze soon. It’s hard to believe them when I’m so far in.
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