My last open letter to him.

To you my friend, who managed to snatch my heart. I write this now as I tear those feelings apart. There have been more things that happened. Things that made me more aware that all of this will not lead to anywhere. Let’s continue the tale from where I left off, then in the end I will put a final dot to this chapter of my heart. When I wrote that letter, so loving and tender. An intention of mine was to let go of you but little did I know that your grip on my heart was stronger than I thought. I told someone about you, my love, and how it hurt me, body and soul. My heart ached and it wasn’t normal, I had to distance myself from you. 9th Grade came by and we were in separate classes. My heart sighed in relief as it gave me a chance to distance myself from you. Months went by without talking to you. Then someone added me to a group chat where you were also. Panic. The lengths I went to avoid you. The lengths I went to forget about those emotions. They didn’t matter. As you chatted away and made me happy, just like before. Your smile that haunts, once again gave me life. The brightest part of my day, seeing those jokes that everyone would roll their eyes on; I would roll my eyes as well but let me tell you that along with it I smiled through every single one. A detail I haven’t mentioned that I should’ve probably said that my friend that you had a crush on was also there. You and her had something. Something special. Something that even our friends saw. Two people who could be together but aren’t. You said you were over her. But still it made me realize that I had to let go of you. My eyes started to wander and saw another. Someone like you but every time they make me laugh. Everything that they do, they all reminded me of you. The irony is that their eyes were also on someone else. I think there is a pattern that I refuse to accept. I came back to be safe in your smile. Your words that gave me comfort and those eyes that would make me red. You are the only one that can do that. I am protective of people I love. It does not only include those I love romantically but also platonically. When I heard you were in trouble because of someone who betrayed your trust, I got mad.  How dare they get you in trouble for a good deed. Something that I was there to witness, I had to do something. And I did. I defended you like there was no going back. For a while I thought you were falling. I thought you liked me back that’s when I realized you were like that to everyone in our chat. Posts on twitter, posts that radiated you being over the moon. Blushing and loving someone. Who could that be? I still do not know and it was all too much. Then a sudden message about something in the past, a letter I wrote in 7th grade and gave to you as a friend. A thank you that I never expected. You said that it was your favorite memory of me and it warmed my heart. And a fundamental truth came to me that would shatter reality. ~~~ I love you. I still do. The truth is I will never stop loving you. Love never dies. It will never disappear as long as you are there.  An emotion that causes joy, sadness, anger, embarrassment. A feeling that destroys and builds. You have built me up and destroyed me in every single way. It has made me feel things that I never thought I would experience. I am not tearing that love apart unlike what I said earlier, instead I keep them in my heart but manage them a bit better.  Who ever you are talking about in your posts on twitter. I am satisfied that you are happy. I wish you joy and happiness in your days, I wish that I am in some of them from time to time.  Forget me not as the girl who was always there, and hold me in your heart always as your friend. Forever yours, .K

How about Jekyll and Hyde? There is song called: 'Alive' which is very dramatic and so many more like 'This is the moment', 'someone like you', 'A new life', 'Confrontation'.

Looking for the song with the correct vibe to imagine this scene to but it doesn’t seem to exist

Being the mom friend or the “strong one” in your friend group is heartbreaking in a very surreal way. I’m one of the oldest in my group of friends and generally considered the most “put together”. I’m the Advice Friend.

But the thing no one tells you about being the Advice Friend is that you become more and more of a public resource, a service for your friends to take advantage of whenever they need to. It’s not that they wouldn’t care about your problems, it’s just that they don’t bother to find out if you have them or what they are. Because you’re expected to be available for advice or shoulder-crying all the time, you are no longer sought out as a person. 

When people tell you why they love you or what they like about you, they say that you’re “always there for them” or “so compassionate” or “very inspiring” or “such a good mom friend” or “the best at giving advice”. They never say that you have great taste in books or that you write brilliant poetry or that you have a great laugh or that you’re wickedly funny. Because funny isn’t your job. Advice is your job. Making people feel better is your job.

It is a strange thing to realize that you could turn off your phone for a week and come back to no notifications except in the event of a “hey, I’m having a bit of a crisis, can I talk to you?”.

It is a strange thing to feel like you only exist when people need something.

It is a sad thing to be a public resource.

why is it that whenever I am disillusioned with the world I go back to the epic of Gilgamesh

“It is the story of their becoming human together.”

This is it. This is the oldest written literary work that we know of, and it’s a story of becoming human together.

This is a story about love, and it’s a story about death, and we told this story thousands of years ago, THOUSANDS of years. We have always, always, always been wrestling with this profoundly beautiful existence and with knowing one another, while knowing that we all will die and be forgotten.

We become human by loving, but we also become human by knowing death.

And I’m just sitting here touching other human beings, another human experience, from across millennia, feeling a bit more human too through it, and I am trying very hard not to cry.

“this reminds me of you” ok kiss me then

spn 6x15: the french mistake

spn 15x18: the french truth

Do you hear them?

They are fighting for what is supposed to be theirs.

A right to be respected.

A right to be heard.

A right to live.

They march for justice.

They march for those who fell.

They march for equality.

Until their color is given their rights.

Until their sexuality is given their rights.

We will not be silent.

.K

A.K.A. the characters being dramatic and in a song

the unholy trinity: alive (from jekyll & hyde), hell to your doorstep (count of monte cristo), and life after life (dracula) 

"I forgot to believe in myself. Then you believed in me."

.K

Open letter to my crush

Hey.

I shouldn't spill my feelings onto the internet because someone could find it. Yet here I am now thinking of writing how. How did this feeling start and how I want it to stop.

We were in 6th Grade when I start to notice, how different I am in front of you. The way I talk, the way I act. All of that because of you. We didn't say we were friends but we continue on, our joking and pranks until dawn. Your presence is electric and maybe I hoped, that maybe you felt our friendship was magnetic too.

7th Grade happened and here's where I started to know that I should probably bury it. Teasing is happening and our classmates were screaming, about you and a person. Unknown to me you said the name of my friend and then the class screamed. A crush on my friend, congratulations! Good for you because she is amazing but goodness, why does my chest ache and my eyes blur, for I secretly wished that I was her.

Never did I tell to myself that I liked you, for sure I thought it was just us being close friends.

Then 8th Grade happened and the realization begins when we got partnered together. Staying up late to discuss stuff and keeping one another alert to finish our work was more than enough, to wake up the butterflies that have been sleeping in my stomach.

More and more projects we seemed to be together always, bickering happened and our teamwork flourished. Competition to recite in our favorite subject, to tell our teacher who killed Caeser. It was all that mattered to us both but now I can see it was only me.

A day that I didn't come to expect when I was writing a script consulting you every bit, I realized something that I was not ready to admit. I like you, and not in the typical manner because I see you as something brighter. I groaned and muted the phone to decide whether this was true or false.

True.

The best and worst decision I made because you changed my life in every way. Inspired to impress you, but everytime I did your eyes were always on another. Physically my heart ached with every time you smiled, debating inside whether it's true or not. Too many signals that give too many feelings, mixing emotions that are driving me crazy. I have to focus but I can't, your eyes seem to haunt me both day and night.

•-••

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•••-

•

I'm happy.

I'm happy, I chose to love you as more than just a friend.

Over time I came to accept and be satisfied with what we have. The pain is still there every so often but hurt in my heart has softened.

You help me get through things and I do the same.

Our happiness as friends is more than enough to keep me sane.

I'm happy she makes you happy even though she hurts you more, to see denial in all of her words.

But still I know how you feel to love someone who does not return, the love that you have for the person you want.

Yes I am sad and slightly disappointed but as long as you're by my side, as a friend or a lover, I will accept any as long as you and I are happy.

Your friend,

.K