December 24,2023

i swear every single day of this year i was thinking about you. And it’s crazy because i feel i dont know you anymore. really i don’t. i knew you, i don’t know you. to the songs you listen to on a daily. to what new sweater you got. to all the simple things that involve you. i can sit here and point fingers, but real shit i never knew how you felt about anything. it felt like a never ending trail leading me to nothing. perhaps it was all in my head and you truly felt it was platonic. i think that what “we had” was truly a delusion in my head. my feelings for you were so strong and the fact that you allowed me to get close to you made me think that maybe you could like me back. maybe this time she will. But all of this was in my head. while you were over here thinking we were “a little past friends” i quote from you. but i think what you meant to say is friends, we were always just friends in your mind.

i’ve had so much time to think about this whole thing. And i truly feel like this connection and vibrancy i thought we had was all created in my head. i just wanted to know you longer and i don’t think you did. im such a senesitve and pensive person that my feelings get hurt with anything and i know that’s my problem, but still having compassion for people is something that should be stable. communication is all i ask for though. But that is not in my control. And never was

everytime i hear a song by pink floyd it reminds of your essence and your presence. the way your tears felt on my shoulders. your curly hair touching my cheek as i hug you.

when you would sit and do your makeup. i liked glancing at you when you would do your makeup. you were so focused to delicately perfect it. and you did everytime. you were so pretty. with and without makeup.

i’ve thought a lot about what made me so fascinated by you. why i had deep care for you. i understand now why i fell in love w your character. yet i still feel like i have no idea why i still feel it so strongly. why i feel your presence missing so much. why i try to find other people who are like you or who look like you. but nobody will ever replace you. nobody can ever be you. i had never seen someone like you. the way you manifested your world and went about your days and how you presented your self. i had never met anyone that was like you. i still long for your energy and presence. i don’t think i’ll ever get you back. another chance to talk about simple things with you. another chance to be with you. it’s gone. you’re toxicity to me is gone. & i miss you.

i feel like crying but simply because i’m emotional. my mind is thoughtless and empty right now. my heart is still beating because i feel it. but that pain feeling is still heavy on my chest.

i have always felt pain but usually my thoughts were present and my emotions were empty. so why the opposite feelings now?

i remember feeling this exact pain at the age of 14 and love was in the picture. but that pain eventually vanished and i had felt released from the handcuffs that love tends to bring along.

Im 19 years old and the amazing feeling of the blind fold was put on by love once again. i was emotional but thoughtless with heavy chest pain. And that’s when i realized that love, fear, and hurt all had the same soul but are in different bodies.

and this is when i became my worst enemy.

i like to think that we are looking at the moon at the same time.

we are all under the same moon.

and that is so comforting to me.

glance at it for me and know that i’m feeling the energy of the moon in that moment too.

💖💖

My blush would be crimson red as we held hands in the flower meadow.

I haven’t gone there ever since. The memories of you are engraved in my mind.

Now I just sit in these sheets and sob, hoping that one day you’ll remember me.

The flowers in the meadow that we picked ourselves are now filled with thorns and poison ivy.

Returning to the meadow we laid in, I rest by a tree. Though instead of the flowers and

Butterflies welcoming me, the thorns in which I wished were your soft hands, wrapped around my pale skin.

I screamed and cried, but the only words that left my mouth were your name. I didn’t give up and tried to fight the thorns away.

My lifeless body was found the next day next to the tree in which we carved out initials in. Please bury me in this meadow in which I wait for the day where you come back.

What can i do to make myself feel better and motivated?

I feel like i am seeing life in black&white and my soul is slowly disintegrating into ashes. help me revive myself because i’m tired of feeling, yet feeling nothing at all.

Thinking about you right now. how you felt in my arms. your body so gentle and comforting. i felt love from the touch of you. i remember our walks together and the times i’d go pick you up from work at 12am. it would make me so excited to see you walking over to me w your short curly black hair, your glasses that were bigger then your head, and the giant orange shirt. that memory makes me so happy. i wish i can relive it.

i miss your little face, your soft skin, and your smell. i can still feel your aroma entering my sinuses. You were so amazing and i know that. i feel the loss. your personality, oh how you were so sweet to everyone and your soft sense. your beauty card never declines. i had never seen somebody so beautiful in my life. you were so perfect to me. i still miss you.

my memories will forever haunt me.

Some days i was completely invisible to you. it felt like i was yelling at you through a glass wall. drumming on it for you to hear me. almost resembles my upbringing & perhaps that’s why i liked you so much. Cause you would push me away, over & over. but i would still come back to you with open arms and a soft smile.

i didn’t care. i was so blindfolded by the comforting and safe feelings you gave me. i always said that it’s cause that’s who you are & i need to try harder. but i don’t think that was ever the case. i just wasn’t for you, even though i wanted to be yours so bad. i pushed you away with my intense emotions. & i regret ever showing you.

So grateful to be alive & grateful I get to experience earths beautiful creations and art within.

“What Would I Do” by Strawberry Guy is currently playing while I’m writing this. It is bringing in moments from when I would feel nervous around you. The beginning of us. The butterflies in my stomach. Heart fluttering. Cheeks warm and flustered. Baby pink, soft, loving, warm, happy feelings I got when I would see You.

I wish to feel love again. I enjoy those feelings that love brings. Although, I knew I wasn’t being loved, I just enjoyed loving you. I wanted you to feel my passionate love I had for You. I feel that is what you needed and I wanted to give it to you. I just wish you could have loved me back the way I loved you. You are so special and I continue to feel your presence missing.

I hope you read my posts one day and know this is me who is writing it for you</3

-187deadend

pretty roses <3

Crying for you again. honestly i kinda forgot what you were like. i’m kinda forgetting us, and that makes me so sad because imagine you, you completely forgot me. i feel if i were to see you right now i’d feel embarrassed, uncomfortable, Sad. but i would feel so excited that i’m seeing you. i wanna hear your voice and see your smile. your little nervous awkward laugh. how can u forget such a thing. i can still hear your laugh replaying in my head. i miss you so much. i wish i could have gotten a little bit more of you. longer time to know you. i hate life with out you. i hope you remember certain feelings that i made you feel. i remember feelings but i don’t remember you. i wanna remember you.

where has time gone, cause i’m still living in december.

-187deadend

I remember one day i was sitting on you, looking at your pretty face. And i confessed all my feelings to you and you started to cry. i felt so loved in that moment, your true emotions flourishing and opening for me to see. it’s a special feeling. i felt your pulse, your heart beat, your tears evaporating and caressing me. i loved it. i loved the way you made me feel. Your emotions are something i admired. they were so powerful, so powerful over me.

The first real time i kissed her was a feeling i have never experienced. the rapid heart beat. my body and mind flustered with a nervous but adrenaline rush of dopamine electric vibrations all over. the shock of how blessed i felt that this beautiful girl wants to kiss me, to touch me, to look at me, to give me her undivided attention.

The feel of your warm breath fogging my cheek. your soft lips touching mine so slowly but so passionately and confidently, touching mine. i can feel you shaking. you seemed so nervous but excited. your energy of vibrations steaming off of you is something i wish i can feel all the time.

i miss you

-187deadend