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zukiyuki · 8 years

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IchiRuki... I love you.

It’s been 3 days since I’ve read bleach 686. For 3 whole days I’ve been trying to make sense of the ending. I felt sick to my stomach when I saw the first page of the last chapter. When I saw that kid’s hair, thinking that it’s Ichigo’s kid…Aww sweet, I thought happily until I saw his eyes and I knew.

I fucking knew those eyes were Orihime’s. And my heart just fucking broke right there. I swear okay…I puked in my mouth when I was forced to realize in the middle of chapter Ichigo and Orihime got married. I felt sick to my stomach and for 3 whole days I’ve been tormented by the fact that Ichihime is canon. Official. Every day for the past 3 days I woke up thinking, “Fuck! Ichigo married Orihime”. I couldn’t get out of my mind the image/moment of Ichigo looking so normal calling out to Orihime, in his home, wearing an apron, so goddamn obviously a wife. Ichigo’s wife. With a child that obviously has his hair and her eyes. Cut me Kubo. You cut me deep.

Fuuuck that hurts.

That moment replayed in my mind for 3 days and every single time I’d feel sick and I’d puke. I have no words to describe this shitty feeling in me when all these years… for 10 whole years I believed that Ichiruki was the endgame. Ever since the first time I watched Bleach.

I swore I tried to be as objective as I could when I read Bleach because I knew that I could be reading Bleach with Ichiruki colored glasses. I NEVER wanted to be the fan that ignored the author’s intent and only saw what I wanted to believe. And still I was wrong. I thought I saw signs pointing towards an Ichiruki end. Reading Bleach 686 made me feel like I ended up with a visual novel‘s bad ending despite being so careful with the choices. Like where the fuck did I go wrong?

So I spent 3 days looking back from 686 all the way to the beginning. Urrrgh… I could finally see how. Wow… Haha. Hindsight is really 20/20. I just can’t believe how blinded I’ve been. And oh my god! How ironic it is too. I thought they were mental for thinking it will end with Ichihime. I thought they read it wrong. Hahahaha. Turns out I was wrong. I was the mental one. Talk about perception failure. Soo fucking ironic. Realizing I was wrong was a damn hard metallic pill to swallow. Must be all that iron(y). Hah!

全部私の間違いだ。

It was all my mistake. Bleach was really a just shounen manga. So shounen that it hurts. And it ended just like any other shounen manga when it comes to pairings. Unsatisfying..and pretty lame.

Ahh… I thought Bleach was different because in the beginning it read and felt different. It was so pretty how it started…with the whole destiny thing, matching zanpaktous, plus all the matching symbolisms and parallels plus poems. So grand and epic. I thought it was so freaking romantic even though it’s a shounen manga I’m reading. It filled me with happiness because reading romance novels and shoujo mangas was only mostly about love. Bleach satisfied me in a big way with its grand, massive and vast universe with all the characters and their adventures. Bleach was really damn delicious to read. I was thrilled as a reader to be able to read something so epic. Bleach had many treats to occupy my mind with its story. Discovering little nuggets of information and putting the puzzles together was so fun. It made me squeal with glee, smile all stupidly and warm my heart. It was intense. I love all the connections between the characters. There were so many to enjoy.

Most of all, the Ichiruki bond. Ahh, ICHIRUKI was written so perfectly.

I was not wrong about Ichiruki’s bond. Kubo wrote that beautifully. So beautifully that I fell deeply in love with that bond. That hard-to-define…more than friends, less than lovers bond. It felt so otherworldly, most probably because Rukia is a shinigami and Ichigo is a human. They complement each other. Black & White, Yin & Yang, Sun & Moon. That they connected right through from the heavens to earth was beautiful to me. The way they met was the most perfect moment of a fated meeting that became unbreakable bond when Rukia pierce her zanpaktous into Ichigo. That meeting set the chains in motion. Absolutely beautiful and poetic.

That bond between Ichigo and Rukia grew into a bond went beyond love. So I was not wrong in the beginning. Definitely not wrong. I KNOW that Rukia and Ichigo never showed any romantic overtures towards each. I could see it in the manga. It was more than enough for me that they had this connection. From the first instance they met they connected. I know that it wasn’t romantic. It’s precisely that thin line of more than friends, less than lovers connection that they have with each other that I love. I freaking LOVE that connection. To me it was the most beautiful bond every written. Ever. Including all the romance novels, all the shoujo mangas I’ve ever read in all of my life. Their connection felt immense and otherworldly. The fact that it was hard to define was exactly why I LOVE the idea of Ichigo and Rukia together. So I ended up believing and hoping that unbreakable bond, that connection could or would evolve into romantic love.

Except when it didn’t. I see it now. So I realized looking back, Kubo did write me a conclusion to IchiRuki bond. Chapter 423. I should’ve understood in that final page when Ichigo and Rukia face each other with that empty space between them that that was it. When Rukia disappeared from his vision and he couldn’t see her anymore. He was human and she was Shinigami and all they ever were… is more than friends less than lovers. Period. Never mind Ichigo’s future angst after 423…In a nutshell I finally saw how Ichihime was foreshadowed.. Rukia was sidelined. I HATE to admit that then but now it make sense. Back then HOW could I accept that Rukia’s part in the manga was over… I love Rukia. It was unthinkable for me to believe that was it. From the first chapter till chapter 423.. those moments between Ichigo and Rukia were real and NO ONE can deny that. They were never JUST FRIENDS. They were way way way more than that. They connect in a way that is ineffable. That is truth.

Still, I love chapter 423, I thought it was beautiful and painful the way Ichigo and Rukia said goodbye. If only I realize the huge significance of that chapter then. I would have wallowed in that ending more. They were… never meant to belong. Haha. It’s ironic because that was my favorite soundtrack from the SS arc anime. That soundtrack was from the episode where Ichigo and Rukia parted the first time. So dramatic and intense and it gave me feels in my stomach. I played that ‘never meant to belong’ track often enough that when I think about it now…That was a sign from the universe. Hahaha. My stomach is bloated from all the irony right now.

So basically... for shounen mangas… it was enough that Orihime loves Ichigo. For a shounen mangaka… there was no need to develop Ichigo’s feelings for Orihime. I, the reader was supposed to understand that as soon as she confessed in chapter 237…that was the endgame pairing. It was MY mistake that I read it wrong. Like a stupidly naïve little girl in love for the first time, I thought Bleach was more than shounen. I was taken in by all the pretty words and poems and symbolisms. See, Kubo never promised romance. I knew that and yet I hoped and wanted different. Haha. Me so stoopid. Orihime’s role was just that. That girl’s unrequited love was all the romance a shounen manga needs. Haha. That’s all the romance needed to fill in between the lines, the cracks and in between the panels.

I, the reader didn’t need to see how Ichigo ‘fell’ for Orihime over the course of the story because its not important. It’s a shounen manga. Like every other generic shounen manga there ever was. And that’s why her romantic feelings were the only thing that was clearly stated. And good god! How obvious it was written! Soooo in my face that I can’t get away from it. Her love was pounded into my eyes for every single chapter she‘s in, how much she loves Ichigo... It hurt me you know. That love of hers… to see her loving Ichigo so much and yet but to never see him reciprocate in any way. Still she can’t stop herself and still love him. There was nothing in the moments between them that Ichigo react to Orihime that made me feel or thought that Ah! I think he likes her… or Ah! He’s beginning to care for her in a romantic sense. I never saw that. How could I, the reader fall for kind that ‘love’. For me to support such love. No way. Her admiring, heart-in-her-eyes. Urrgh! I can feel how much she wants to be loved by Ichigo. It defines her existence. It’s in her every being. She wants so badly to have him love her back that she’d curled into herself in pain. I hate feeling the way I feel when I read her part in the manga. Her feelings for Ichigo don’t make me cheer for her or love her. Instead it turns me off and I ended up feeling hatred for her. Weird, right?

Her I-want-to-be-your-reflected-in-your eyes love and yet I never once saw her reflected in Ichigo’s eyes. Never ever saw it. Instead I SAW who is reflected in his eyes. Rukia. But of course now I see that it didn’t mean squat. And yet for Kubo it was enough for Bleach to end with an Ichihime pairing. Because it’s a shounen manga. That sentence answers all my questions about how it ended the way it did.

The very outcome that I didn’t want to happen happened. I have so much to say on how I can’t ever support Ichihime. Since now that my eyes and mind are clear, I can see how he wrote Ichihime moments. It’s definitely not something I want to support and I would have quit Bleach in an instant. MY MISTAKE. I perceived the manga differently. Truth is, it was the opposite of what I perceive. EVERYTHING is the opposite of what I believe. Wow… it really changed my view of Bleach.

I thought Kubo was a progressive male. Turns out he’s just a chauvinist at heart. Because that’s what Ichigo and Orihime’s relationship is. Brrr..I get cold chills of disgust just thinking about such a relationship. Instead of a deep connection from two people. What won was that shallow one-sided love.The kind of love that waits for him to notice her…While he goes off doing manly heroic stuff. Puke. I should have realized much earlier.

Fuck! So that’s why she was always hanging around in the sidelines. She’s always there. I sure as hell noticed that she got a lot of screen time towards the end despite being so goddamn fucking useless. I get so angry reading her in the manga. Don’t care how strong she is.. just when it fucking counts she failed. She always failed. She’s useless in battles as a fighter. She’s useless as an emotional support. Aww that’s right.. but she can heal…aww she has godlike power.. aww what lovely little woman aww tits and ass..aww fat boobs! That princess character type, damsel in distress pretends to be strong do nothing but wants to try her best with all her heart and she got stronger because she wants to be there for him type. That’s what Kubo intended for her character. Putting those words together should have made me want to support her to get her man. But again it doesn’t worked on me. I‘d dumped Bleach in a sec if I had known this was Kubo’s intention all along. I was too enamored with Ichiruki.

I should have realized since Kubo always puts her in the peripherals, the moments Ichigo and Rukia were together she’s just there waiting for her turn. Part of the foreshadowing.That’s why she’s always there. So I, in actual fact, was suppose to understand that at the end of the day Orihime’s patient unwavering love trumps Ichigo & Rukia unbreakable, indefinable bond. Suckballs! I was supposed to swoon with bated breath at her five lifetimes in love quote back in 237. Puke. I hated that 237 chapter. In the end she ended up exactly like the healer princess waiting for her big strong warrior to come back from battles to come home to. Sooth his wounds with tender loving care… Puke. Not my idea of a relationship. Typical generic love.

I get it.Bleach belongs to Kubo. He decides how he wants to end it. I respect that. But with everyone married with children? And happy like some weird utopian end. Did he have to marry them off?! Fuck that was a punch to my face. An ending where everyone becomes sooo human… after all that grand adventure.. all the character growth… All that coming of age stories for each character.. And they all go back to having boringly human lives. It was the complete opposite of how they started. I wished it was an open-ended end. Or all the humans lost all memories of soul society. An ending where Ywaach in fact won. Wipe everything out. Any other ending but Ichigo married to Orihime! Urgh! It’s boringly human. When all of his characters are so far from being human. Instead of choosing the otherworldly bond that goes beyond love that he himself created. This to my thinking fits the supernatural, powerful character and world settings of Bleach. Bleach heroes and villains were epic. The Bleach universe was so fucking grand and it always made me choke with excitement. All the intrigue and mystery. And I hope what little romance I can get would be epic.I wanted Epic. Ichiruki is EPIC.

I was so wrong. I forced my own expectations into this story. Fuck what an amateur mistake. I messed up. I’m angry at myself. Should’ve cut my emotions off the moment I realized I was too emotionally attached to Bleach. Ahh Kubo.. I definitely read your intent wrong. I can see it now. For 10 fucking years Bleach, I read you wrong. Apparently it is logical from early on that Bleach would end in this manner with the pairings. I was too blinded in love with Ichiruki to notice the signs. Not gonna get emotionally attached to shounen characters ever again. I’ll be chill and detached in future. It’s fucking brutal to not get the pairing end that I want. I am so raw with it. It’s like a fucking open wound.

So I want this pain to end now.

I’ve never needed to voice my thoughts online and have it posted so that it becomes a tangible memory that I can look back into be reminded of. It is enough for me to read that there are people with similar views as me. This time though…I’m due. I need to give myself a verbal (and written) closure to 10 years of fanatically loving a story created by a one Japanese man. I had a lot of fun. It was a monstrous rollercoaster ride like I’ve never been on before. It was wild and awesome. I cheered and jeered at the antics of the Bleach characters. I can’t deny that Bleach had a part in my life and hold a piece of my heart. It made me feel alive and lucky that I was born in this day and age. To come across a story that’s in a foreign language and realized what a gem it was. I really felt it was worth to be alive. Bleach has inspired a lot of things in my life so I won’t say that these 10 years was a waste.

I’m amazed that I stuck this long. 10 years is a long time to keep me interested…Of course it is Ichigo and Rukia that kept me going. I think that a part of me will always be angry at how it ends. For the most part Bleach had brought me joy. Ichigo and Rukia will forever be my ideal couple. It’s such a cheesy sentence… “forever be my ideal couple” But I suspect this will be the truth until the day I die even as I move on and read and ship other fictional characters, Kubo you set that ideal couple bar so high that other authors may never be able to surpass it. I thank you for creating that Ichigo and Rukia bond that I love so much even when in the end you made Ichigo and Orihime official. And I would still thank you even if the latter part of that sentence made me hurt and cry.

#Ichiruki #ichigo kurosaki #rukia kuchiki #ichigo x rukia #bleach #bleach 686 #perception failure #verbal vomit #i was so wrong #bleach ending #i have so much to say

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