When am I going to start living for myself and being who I want to be? Why do I constantly keep myself down all the time .. I am capable. Please do soemthing, Me. You can do this. Before it's too late. I promise it will be ok..

My brother got a dog to foster and it's very stressful. I feel on edge especially with the kids around. They don't have any good sense and they mess w the dog. The dog is only like a year old & he has no training or anything despite the ppl we got him from telling us he does have a little and he's good w kids.

I didnt think it was a good idea to begin with and I was right. I just want it all to stop

I'm so tired and sick. I hate the increasing negative feelings I have all the time. I wish my life was better...

It worsens with lack of sleep (and pms I think?) And if I drink and get drunk or cross

Its upsetting

I go from completely fine and functional to wanting to cry and die and not exist and being so scared of life and others that I just want to die

Its such an overwhelming feeling of dread and paranoia

The worst moments of my life

People are so not it these days.

I just dislike interacting with more and more people ....

My vindictive nature getting the best of me.

The other day I deleted the entire server channels, emotes, roles and everything. Its all gone. Any proof of anything is just gone. I shouldve saved it. But it was an impulsive ish decision i made

I finally broke up with her. She was a piece of shit to me and never seemed to care. It wasn't until later that I realized she is genuinely so fucked up its really infuriating as well as sad. The most of my strong feelings have been let out or pushed to the back. Its been about 3 months now and I dont talk to her anymore. She's garbage as a person and as a partner. I dont see any changes from her and its really gross I ever felt anything other than disdain

Its really gross I ever let her see the most fragile parts of me. I gave her everything I had and she broke me and shit on me. I feel destroyed.

It's all piling up

It's all piling so high right now. Ever since february it's been awful. It was bad before then but I could handle it. Now shit after flaming hot shit is being flung at me and I'm beginning to just shut down. It's actually a lot to type but I'll bullet point it for future me.

February - visited gf during con weekend. Broke down in a crying panic, had some irritable moments. Bought 400 dollars worth of figures. Spent so much that weekend ... made me even more agitated.

Gf said something disgustingly rude about my genitals. Want to die. Didnt feel it in the moment but felt it going home. I get transported back to that moment every time I talk about it right now.

March - took an open break w my gf. Was going for 1 month but we only did it until last week of march. Before then I felt like shit in the beginning... some people made me feel like my feelings on the subject were too harsh and I should consider getting over it. I tried to... but I can't. I had a couple of hookups that inevitably made me feel like shit. Some friends of mine made me feel like garbage about it.

Asked gf not to be in private calls w someone who made me uncomfortable. She didnt listen to me and how I felt again. First time I expressed discomfort for whatever the reason was she said I was acting like a child and then said sorry she didnt mean it. Then the second time after she didnt listen to my request she didnt see what the big deal was and brushed my feelings to the side. I took a breather and she still didnt get it. When I started expressing myself she shut down so I told her I'd talk to her later. She still hasn't apologized over a day later.

Just that day ^ I told her how worthless I felt. I felt and still feel undesirable by my own gf. She doesnt care about our sex life or making me feel good. Intimacy is very important to me. But idk about her anymore. Dont know if shes even attracted to me. But I'm drained. I cant do it anymore.

I've been carrying all the emotional weight and baggage for so long. I'm defeated... I wish my voice would be heard for once. I'm tired of being talked over or made to feel lesser than. I feel small. I feel crazy... nobody around me has similar points of view. When I try to talk I feel like nobody listens. I wish my gf would try for me... try to listen to me and how I feel and actually take it into account. I know she doesnt care about anything..but I do. Why cant she just be considerate.. am I the bad one? Am i the one who is out of line?? It's hard to gauge. I'm getting so many mixed feelings and answers from this. I just... wish i wasnt like this. I wish I was normal

All I know for sure is that it hurts so much. I feel broken up inside. So disgusting. So gross ... just so sad right now. The worst part is... that's not even half of it

I dont know what's going on but i guess I'm in one hell of a depressive episode...

I feel like its karma coming to me. I am not really that great of a oerson actually

Nothing is going right. I feel trapped in and outside of my body, out of my control.

I dont like any of the change going on around me and I cant control anything

Nothing feels stable other than the fact that I sit at home and do nothing. That's the most stability I have in life. Sitting on my phone....

I regret every decision I make. Especially the ones in the past 5 years. I did nothing during high school, no year book, no clubs, no sports, no awards... I went to prom but even then I didn't feel special. I didnt feel good. Something went wrong with that too ... even just thinking about it makes me so ashamed of myself and so disappointed and angry.

People I know are graduating college/getting their masters and I'm not doing anything. Im scum, bottom if the barrel

Nothing I do is worth anything and I dont have any motivation to change anything

I'd rather eat anything every day all day if I could. My body is deteriorating and will fall apart if I dont stop my habits too. I'm pretty sure I'm in the fast road. But the feeling I have cant be put into words. I feel so awful and I cant even Express myself

I dont have the words to say or the ears to listen

I cant even draw h ow I feel.

Nobody cares

I just wanna feel special and that I can do anything

But I wanna feel it within myself . I regret who I am. I regret my existence. What I do how i act who i am. It's all deplorable . Depressing. Reprehensible. Disgusting. Scum. Waste. I hate myself so much. Nobody understands how deep it runs.

its weird because I really hate myself and I dont feel like I belong anywhere. But I dont want to kill myself. I dont want to die. I just want to stop existing and to stop hurting. If I could just sit in a dark hole with time stopped for a while.... just sit and heal somehow feel better and emerge confident and normal then it's fine.

Some people say that they have worse things to worry about that I do. Even said as a joke it makes me feel like absolutely shit. I dont like it... because one hand I know its true.. so I just stop talking. The other hand... I feel like.. who's gonna help me? To this day it hurts to mh core that someone I know and love and trust would say so... even jokingly... but I'm honestly no better than those comments.

I hate myself so much

So so much..

I don't know what to do except feel like I'm suffering every day

intrusive

the feelings are intense the last couple of days.

we havent really been speaking,... but i know thats just my imagination. and because of a certain video game ((3h))... so its just morning and then maybe really really late at night. theyve been spending time w a friend of ours (a dude) and since theyve been saying they wanted to do some “stuff” ive been hella sus

but i feel like its all in my head. i do NOT wanna think abou tthis stuff and i wanna trust my partner in every aspect. i dont know why this is cioming over me and its getting worse. i cant be there with them since its ldr but the best i can do is write my feelings and thoguths down.

even in my post of may i turned it into somethingbad... i dont know whats wrong with me. i want it to stop i really cant take it

Update

We saw each other. May is the luckiest month ! 🌸

It went well. I really enjoyed it.... probably the happiest and luckiest ive felt in a while!! ❤ you are perfect for me.

And my feelings.. theyre less intensely negative. I know whats going on. I'm still very much insecure/envious and i still dont understand why... that's going to be a very hard obstacle to get over. Hopefully soon..

But I'm less worried about the wrong things.. i think. I'm trying so hard not to inspect every possible worst case scenario. Trying to enjoy what I have right now. All i know is... i have these intense feelings that arent gonna go away right now, and I need to know how to manage them. My angst doesn't feel as bad and as draining, doesnt ache as much as it did writing "letter to you" (which i did in my memos on my phone). If i ever lose it at least I'll have the memory here...

But at the same time i have possessive (?) Feelings and thoughts. Not in a weird way... even tho id accept it and move on if we had to break up... i dont want that.

Please dont leave me behind. I dont know why i love you and want you and need you so much but I do. I want to love you I want to need you i want to keep you in my arms forever... i want to grow more with you

I love you

Letter to You

April 9, 2019

I know we've sorta had this conversation many times. But im trying to go into it with a different attitide. Instead of despair and anxiety and insecurity, im trying to have a level of confidence and I want whatever is going on to be solved, or at least talked about.

I know you may have been going through things that may or may not involve me or this relationship, but I cant help but feel like at least another part of whats been going on the past few months may have to do with it. And Im giving you the floor to let me know if youre unhappy in this relationship or if there are things i could do for you to make you happier or try to fix whatever is wrong.

I know you dont like my lack of self esteem and I honestly dont know where the recent utter disregard for my self respect went, but i realize its probably a big factor in whatever ridges could be taking place. And honestly even me bringing this up can be a sign of self confidence issues but Its less of that and more of i know something is wrong please tell me.

I also realize now, maybe a little too late, that I do dump a lot of my negativity and toxicity into your life and i truly deeply apologize for that. You deserve a girlfriend who is a good balance of support for you and also sees you as a supportive person. You've taken my bad thoughts and listened to them for so long and even if you say its okay. Its not. You dont deserve me coming to you all the time with MY issues. I took your willing to listen and kindness for granted. I never truly understood that you need someone to be there for you. I know that you need someoje to talk to about me if i did something you didnt like but it couldn't be me you went to. If that makes sense. Which brings me to the next topic.

I cant be your entire world. Ive known that but now i fully understand it. Its toxic to expect it or even think it. Its toxic for both of us for ME to make you my whole world. I couldnt help it at first because i love and care for you. But if i truly do. I can understand that its not healthy at all. Its gonna be hard to let you breathe but I know i need to let you. I'm truly sorry for all the toxicity Ive brought into this relationship and even though you tell me im fine and perfect for you, i still need to change who i am in order to be the best for both of us. I understand tgat sometimes you might not say "mean" things to not hurt ny feelings and thats not what you should feel. You shouldn't feel like you need to hide things because of how i will react. And if im giving myself too much power here im sorry. But i just want us to be fully open and honest.

Im sorry for needing constant reassurance and possibly making you feel like i dont trust you. Its not you i dont really trust its myself. At first, i didnt think i deserved your love. I felt bad because you truly cared and i didnt know if it was too good to be true, sorta. As cliche as it sounds... idk. I definitely liked you a lot and you know not being able to see you felt really bad. But whenever i heard your voice or talked to you i knew it was fine.

I'm really sorry for possibly playing with your emotions by breaking up so many times and then essentially changing my mind. I decided that after that last time that i wouldnt do it again unless it was something really serious. Im sorry. I didnt realize the impact it couldve had on our relationship. I don't wanna lose what we have/had or miss out on what could be. I realize now that I did those things to try and run away from my feelings in a way. I dont know what I want in the way future but I do know that right now I want you to be okay and for us to be okay. If, in order for you to live your life, its without me in it as your girlfriend then ill have to accept it.

Moving forward, if you wanna keep being with me, I would like to start sorta fresh, with a new attitude. I want to trust you fully and not doubt your words due to my own insecurities. I want you to feel like you can trust me and come to me with your problems but I dont wanna force anything. I dont want you to feel like you have to hide things from me either. I tell you everything and maybe thats my fault. I dont want to keep big things a secret. I will always tell you the truth and always show and tell you i love you if thats what it takes. Im personally glad i got a chance to love you and i always will love you.

It's been a long time since ive typed here and in my offline diary. But i have to get these things out so I'll try to type everything out in the order ive felt them and what i think. All of this happened over the last few months before this. So like feb/march/April to now.

I'm very tired writing this

I'm still dating my current bf. In the past, during this relationship Ive sorta struggled with my sexuality but even more so since i had never had experience and at the time i was getting over the crush on one of my friends whos a girl. During this time (this is before this year, so parts of 2017 and then parts of 2018), at the ending months of 2018 i realized I didnt really like her like that and I felt like i wasnt appreciating what i did have. I had my boyfriend who is my best friend and I kept flip flopping around and it wasn't right. I had tried to break up about 3 times during the 3 years we've had so far together and it wasnt right. I cant remember every reason why i specifically chose to end things the first time but it was over something stupid i think. But i missed him so so much and we obviously got back together. Since then things were really nice. I kept getting confused tho... i knew i really liked him but i had also felt i liked other people that i almost had chances with. But i knew it wouldnt ever work like me and my boyfriend did.

I always felt so at home with him... but for some reason i was always influenced by everyone else's opinions. The distance between us and the fact that my friends kept saying not to do it because itll be hard and them having experience when i had none really always pushed me. Which is why, and this is the time i realized i was way too impressionable, when i broke up w him (or tried to take a break) it was cuz i just ... was lonely. I was just lonely and didnt wanna keep having this longing feeling. He was here emotionally connected with me but i couldnt be with him physically. It was probably the worst choice i made. Even though we got back together its still scarring. I cant keep doing this and so I felt a lot of guilt and said even when things are tough i cant panic and run away. That breakup lasted for a couple of days and it was the WORST pain i have ever felt emotionally. It was different then other depressive episodes ive had. I had literally gotten a chunk taken out of me. It was like i had been killed but my soul was still awake in my body. It lasted for like 3 or 4 days until i couldnt be like this and reached out. Immediately i felt better once we made up. I dont know how he feels about it. But i never wanna do that again unless i am absolutely sure.

Fast forward to 2019. I feel something is off. He told me about something he's been interested in for a while and its not a problem. But i cant explain what i feel like when its brought up and i think its because its a really big change. It sort of alters the way i would have to view him bery very slightly but even small change freaks me out. Anyway, it was p chill tho. But i noticed hed been a little distant and seemed to be having trouble with whatever thoughts were in his mind. But he wouldn't really let me in apart from snippets. Which is fine, but i also worry.. ykno? I want to show him its ok to work thru it with others. But i guess it's partly an ego thing. Everyone likes to feel wanted and trusted ykno? Idk. But we didnt really talk normally for a bit.....

Until one day things just got better. I stopped complaining to him so much because it became toxic. I am a very self centered and controlling person and sometimes it really gets the best of me. I dont need the spotlight but i need ppl to think a certain way of me or make sure I'm not the cause of anything bad...

Which is the problem. I care so much for him but for some reason i make my care for him really about myself. I do love him and want him happy... but im also afraid that maybe he could be happier without me. I talked to my friends about it and honestly there are some things he does or says that make me really upset. But at this current point in time i cant imagine myself talking to anyone else. In my eyes hes perfect for me and is the only one who can ever tolerate me... but thats so toxic and idk what to do...

Then he came to visit me. Which is a story for another post..

Just for my future self who reads this again (if i do), it took a couple months before i realized i dont really feel that way about her anymore. And i might ve just been very jealous of her relationship or afraid she was gonna leave me in the dust. I sont really know what caused me to be obsessive but maybe it was a bit of both =/

I realize that maybe i like my friend still? I dont know there’s just something about specifically her and her bf that get me like this. No one else i really care about. There are valid reasons but most of them are invalid i think… why can’t i behave properly tho….

I realize that maybe i like my friend still? I dont know there's just something about specifically her and her bf that get me like this. No one else i really care about. There are valid reasons but most of them are invalid i think... why can't i behave properly tho....

Sometimes i wonder if im a lesbian but i do love dikk and some guys most of the time ... i just long for two sides of the coin even though that will never work. =/

I know i do like girls as well as guys but like i can never see myself dating any girl i find attractive or like; they're all just too good for me. Its acceptable for me to like men so i def feel more comfortable imagining myself with one but i really just want the experience of how i think a lesbian romance would be like but i guess that's bad? Who knoes...

I wish i knew the cause of all of this.. what caused this particular day to be so draining. Was it something that happened 2 weeks ago? Was it a friend? Was it lack of sleep? I wish i knew... i really wish i did..

It was really bad today but i felt it coming a while ago. A day that id Break again

It wasnt too bad but i just need to cry a lot. I want to take my anger out on everyone else.. even the people that i love and care for. Its gotten to the point where i feel anger or jealousy towards some pe9ples happiness. I never wanna be this person.

I want to be happy for everyone who deserves their happiness. I wanna be there for my friends when they are having a good time in their lives or if theyre upset and need someone to talk to or even to have someone to talk in general. I do NOT wanna be the person who gets annoyed or uncomfortable when a friend is with their significant other or annoyed when they talk about their crushes or their problems, no matter how many times they put off my words.

I can only give so much and i deserve the same in return. I deserve so much better but at the same time I've basically failed so i probably don't actually deserve all that much ...

I dont have the strength to block or delete people who have hurt me. I don't have the mental strenght to be patient. I dont have the courage to keep hurtful people out of my life..

Im just a sad, scared person. I'm always gonna feel lonely.

I've never had my own room and I wish my oldest sister would either let me move down into the room that isn't even hers or move out. It's not fair to me or my mom that neither of us have our own spaces. I am old enough and qualified enough to have my own living area and I deserve it. I'm tired of having my stuff ruined I'm tired of having to hear my bitch sister I'm tired of having to deal with all of this in the same vicinity of one another. I have only one "private" space to myself but apparently I'm not allowed in there. I fucking hate this right now I have so much anger harbored in my mind and it's a struggle every single day to not take it out on someone or to just fucking explode. I really don't wanna break down over this and a bunch of other things but it feels like it will happen . I'm not trying to be dramatic but this is just how it is in my mind. I can't describe how much I want to freak out right now. It's way too much and I'm almost at my breaking point .