yourveryownkarma
the last words of a trash artist ♡
it's all just fun and games until your heart shows
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Im still convinced my soul will find yours
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There's a want and there's a need...
For a man who's strong but not just for make believe
He's got heart, he's got soul
But he's made out of grit and rock and roll
He'd work his hands to the bone
For the right one
He takes it slow but knows when to hit the gas
You never have to tell and he never has to ask
But for girls like me... he will only be a fantasy;
Love always
Me...
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Damn... that's the dream... fuck... I have a brand new unattainable dream.
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I know when I get like this what I am supposed to do, but I've never been one to follow anyone's rules and that's prolly what will kill me.
Man, I used to lie so fucking easily and yeah... I lied alot. (I know. I was a terrible person)
I feel like an ex put some hex on me and now this liar liar bullshit has taken over. I hate lying so much these days that it's almost impossible to not tell the truth, even to my absolute detriment.
I'm going to lose, and lose hard because I can't even tell a small little lie to survive... so now not only has my heart betrayed me but my mind is too.
So because I can't help me and those around me due to my freakish circumstances I'm in this dark place. But for once I'm not reaching up for someone to pull me out. I think this time I'm okay with it consuming me. I can't think of one thing that would not be better off without me. That sentence used to make me cry... but that's how I know this is real, it doesn't make me cry or hurt anymore, it's just reality... facts. I'm a plague and I'm terrible for everyone around me, I am a problem. To anyone who knows me... I am a problem for them. So you solve problems right? You don't just let problems stay a problem. That would be fucking silly.
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They've asked... what happened... why i can't look into anyone's eyes anymore, what am I hiding?
I've had such a hard time answering; because I know I won't be understood. You'd think I'd be used to it. My whole life I've felt like I had to explain over and over again why I am the way I am, why I act the way I act, etc.
I'm here to answer that now, though; now when I don't have someone to pick apart my body language, my hand movement, my eye contact or lack thereof.
It happened very slowly at first and then ripped off like a band aid at the end. What happened this way? My hope, my innocence, my faith in people, my faith in myself, My faith in love.
I was slowly betrayed by everyone I ever trusted and loved deeply, ...slowly, slowly ...slowly. Until I only trusted one person, until I only truly loved one person (besides my children). Until I cut everyone off, but one person.
This one person had my heart. Not romantically although that is how our relationship started, he was more like my protector my keeper my opposite and at the same time, he was the parts of me I couldn't show to the world, he blatantly showed those parts that I kept so deep down inside of me. I saw my equal, but I also saw my superior. Someone who could say the things I always wanted to but never could. Someone who made the storms stop in their tracks at our door step. He took all the bad things and he didn't necessarily make them good, he just made them stop happening to me.
With him in my corner I had the power to stand up for myself, because I knew he wouldn't be far behind, and it didn't take much, he didn't have to say a word, all he had to do was make an appearance and whatever big words I spoke kept their validity. He was the monster they feared and for once I did not. He was soft and kind to me. He kept me warm when it was too cold and cool when it was too hot. He kept me moving when I needed my space and my mind right and he kept the world from falling to peices. Naturally it was easy to cut everyone else off. Too easy. Fuck them, they weren't half of what he was.
Idk what happened, but once I pushed everyone too far away to be pulled back, the monster in my closet that kept me safe all those years...
No longer cared about my safety.
I admit, I had put him thru all sorts of hell that I got myself into and he would always neatly clean up the crime scene.
But here at this point, the lowest point... is where he chose to cut the cord. I felt like it was a nightmare... because it was. One I've dreamt of many times but this time there was no waking up. It was reality. It was/still is unbelievable sometimes. I cry out of nowhere, I feel abandoned by everyone, including the one person I never thought would do that to me. The one person, who I put at the top. I did. Ultimatum would be given "him or me", it was laughable, I admit sometimes I would laugh... him... always him, who the fuck are you... I look back and wonder how many times I hurt someone like he has hurt me. I hope those wounds heal. Selfishly of course cause maybe one day mine can.
Why don't I look anyone in the eyes anymore? Because eyes are fucking liars. They can look kind and like they'd never betray you, and then they will. I'm not hiding my eyes from yours I am hiding from yours and their lies.
He made a #ghostgirl
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nobody can say they know me anymore. truthfully.
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“Don’t look for someone who will solve all your problems. Look for someone who won’t let you face them alone.”
— Wisdom Quotes
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My life story ☆
*ominous bong bubbling from the dark at 2am*
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Rebecca Perry, Beauty/Beauty; from 'Kintsugi 金継ぎ'
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“It's taboo to admit that you're lonely. You can make jokes about it, of course. You can tell people that you spend most of your time with Netflix or that you haven't left the house today and you might not even go outside tomorrow. But rarely do you ever tell people about the true depths of your loneliness, about how you feel more and more alienated from your friends each passing day and you're not sure how to fix it. It seems like everyone is just better at living than you are. A part of you knew this was going to happen. Growing up, you just had this feeling that you wouldn't transition well to adult life, that you'd fall right through the cracks. And look at you now, it's happening.”
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This was composed so many times and lost over and over again or accidentally deleted and it's been scraped and pieced together for about a year now and I always lock it in my notes and save it everytime I re-do it. I think it is now time to let all of you go; and unlock this from my clipboard and give my heart the freedom to be happy again.
I think it took so much of me to be the caregiver I always wished I had, for you... and I may never get that, but maybe you can get what you need if someone has the blueprints of all I learned with you...
As any other vapid girl, it must start with a quote, one I've found fits and it does it beautifully, at least for me.
"They all turned their backs on us because they knew if we held on tight to eachother... we were something fatal... but we fell into the wrong hands."
To the girl who loves him next;
I fucked shit up to the point of no return and the boy this letter is about deserves what I had the potential to give him... had I not been battling demons stronger than myself at the time.
If the first time you meet him it feels like you're in fucking 6th grade meeting your new best friend, talking a mile a minute and never wanting to sleep because you're so excited you found someone this amazing... (I think we spent 3 sleepless days and nights talking and falling so quickly in love it was worse than some freak hurricane, it caught me by surprise and to this day i know ill never laugh that hard again or be that happy again) then listen please, for everything that is holy please just read this a million times so he finally can have the life he deserves. I promise he is worth every fight every melt down every public scene... I fucking swear on it, but you won't know if you don't learn how to help him out of these situations.
The first few times it's going to seem like a fucking nightmare. Please stop and understand me when I say this... "imagine how he feels". As humans we are not very good at seeing beyond our own selfish existence, so it's going to take some actual effort, he's fucking worth it.
Learn his triggers and listen to what the fuck he's saying even if it sounds crazy to you, listen to those words because there's meaning behind them. It's not just to freak out its not just to embarass you and its certainly not Any fun for him. Keep cold water with you for these moments. He needs it to drink and splash his face with.Do not be afraid to jump in a cold shower with him with your clothes on, because no matter how shitty it sounds now... it's some of my favorite memories to look back on, being able to calm him and hear what he is trying to say because you've learned how to help calm him and you've become that much closer. I would sing to him, i wont give the details of that song or that part as its something i want ro keep to myself, it was my favorite song and i havent listened to it or sang it since the day i droppwd him off at the airport.
Don't lie to him, however fragile his ❤️; it can withstand the hard truth, but the sugar coated lie is a slap deep into his soul, please don't break his trust. It's so sacred and beautiful. I know right now you don't think you can handle him, and I'd love to be selfish and tell you to send him on an airplane to me because I miss my best friend and lover, but if you stick this out... he will make you the happiest girl in the whole world. I know from experience. Please do not hurt him. Because if I find out about this, you will have alot bigger troubles than him not being able to let go. He is sensitive and messy and fun and sweet and chaos and perfection... but don't ever make him feel like he is not enough, he isnt... and don't ever make him feel like he's too much... he isn't. He is a perfect portion of all and he taught me how to love myself and he taught me patience in the purest form.
If you give up easily, you can come join my sad club...
Yours truly, GHOSTGIRL (R.I.P. DEVIL GIRL)
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