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Hogwarts Overexposed Chapter 12: Follow the Money Trail

Finally, we have reached the chapter where the most infamous shit of the fic and the Saga as a whole begins.

And I love how in a fic thats called "Salazars return", Salazar Slytherins actual return isnt the thing the fic is most notorious for.

When we last left off, the American students from the Salem Witches Institute have arrived, and Emily seemingly had an accident.

"I'm okay, at least thus far," Emily exclaimed, "but don't worry about me. Look at the American team." "What about the American team?" Kim turned her attention to the advancing group. "Oh my god, they all look like they're parading about in their underwear," Kim exclaimed aghast. "Plus, their robes look more like capes. Are they all dressed to look like Superman and Wonder Woman for Halloween?"

Like other sporkers noted, the references to Superman and Wonder Woman aren´t as out of place as they first would seem, as Kim is Muggle-born and Emily was raised in the Muggle World. "Their attire is outlandish," Emily agreed, "but that's not what I'm referring to. Look at the boy in the last pairing; the one walking beside the nice-looking blonde."

Who could it be? Kim looked in the direction Emily had indicated and then froze. The boy and girl appeared to be very embarrassed by their garb, but at the same time were talking and pointing animatedly at the castle, obviously extremely impressed with Hogwarts. Kim immediately recognized the boy; they had become good friends on the cruise. "It's Brian," Kim said in a stunned voice, as the American group passed. "He's a wizard!"

I honestly can´t get over how she´s so surprised over something that´s been foreshadowed to the point it could be seen as a parody of foreshadowing.

"Only witches and wizards can turn into ghosts" - how would a in-Universe Muggle know that? Kim and Emily filed back up the steps with the other Hogwarts students and then, for Emily's sake, made a hurried pit stop in the nearest girls' bathroom before entering the Great Hall and sitting down for the Halloween Feast. The students from Salem had chosen seats at the Hufflepuff table. They all sat discomfitly looking around the Great Hall with overwhelmed expressions on their faces.

Be prepared for a cliché-storm incoming.

By the time the first Hogwarts Exposed fic was written, the whole trope of "American exchange students at Hogwarts had already become almost a parody of itself. The Great Hall, as usual, was decorated festively for Halloween. Pumpkins hanging in mid air illuminated the hall as thousands of live bats fluttered about. Occasionally the bats swooped over the tables in low black clouds.

Ah, the rare instance of actual descriptions of things. "Why is Filch adding three chairs to the staff table?" Kim wondered aloud.

Kim, why are you surprised by that? "Not sure," answered Emily. "One might be for that paunchy person that accompanied the American team. I can't imagine whom the other two are for."

This is the first time that person is actually mentioned.

And yes, I had to check the previous sections and the last part of the last chapter to make sure I didn´t miss anything.

Once the students had all settled down at the House tables, the staff entered and filled the top table. Kim's question concerning the extra chairs was soon answered. Snape entered follow by Percy Weasley, the American chaperone and ...a third person that appeared to be neither a man nor a woman.

Aaaaaaand this is where the person actually gets mentioned - it seems that Neil simply can´t write.

As if we didn´t get that the previous two fics.

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, ghosts and guests," said Snape. "I hope your stay with us will be most enjoyable. The contest will officially open at the end of tonight's feast. Now, please, eat, drink, and make yourselves comfortable"

"I wonder how far we're allowed to go in regards to making ourselves comfortable?" Emily asked with a laugh.

I´m surprised it took this long to get a nudism reference in this chapter.

"Not as far as you'd like," Kim said as the plates in front of them filled with food. The house elves in the kitchen had once again outdone themselves; there was a much larger than normal variety of dishes to select from.

Dishes we won´t get to know exactly.

"I can't get over the fact that Brian is a wizard," Kim exclaimed.

You already said that.

"I can't get over the getup that he and the others are wearing," Emily said. "That can't possibly be their school uniform. It must be a special costume for the events, but who would pick such awful outfits?"

"Maybe that person sitting to the left of Professor Snape," Kim suggested. "Is that a very feminine man or an extremely homely woman?"

And for the sake of funny, I´m gonna imagine that person to look like Divine.

Emily shrugged her shoulders. "I'm not sure which would be worse."

.....why would either be bad in the first place?

Yeah, it´s just Neils homophobia again.

As they ate, most of the students seemed to be nervous and constantly watching the staff table with anticipation.

"Is it just me or is this feast taking a great deal longer than usual?" Caitlin asked as she played with her food.

"I think everyone is eager for the selection of the team to take place," Jamie answered. "Look! Filch is bringing in the goblet. It shouldn't be much longer."

Come to think of it, I don´t think Filch is appearing again after this chapter.

"What qualities do you imagine the goblet will be looking for?" Caitlin asked. "I would imagine that seventh years would have a much better chance of being selected."

Way to tempt fate, Caitlin.

"Not necessarily," Jamie said. "A team needs members with varying talents and abilities."

Talents and abilities that never really will get shown, apart from showing that Jamie Sue is always right.

Finally the golden plates returned to their original spotless state and Snape stood up. Tension seemed to fill the hall. "The time has come to select the Hogwarts team, but before we do, a few introductions and some explanations are in order," said the Headmaster.

Does this sound like something Snape would say?

"Let me introduce our guests seated at the staff table: Mr. Percy Weasley, interim Minister of Magic" - there was polite applause - "Mr. Bud Ryan, coach for the American team" - again a polite response - "and Mr. Rishard Simone, Facilitator of Games from the International Committee of Magical Games and Sports."

"Does that answer your question?" Emily whispered to Kim. "It's a guy. A very short guy with a dyed blonde, curly Afro, fake bronze tan, tight short shorts and shaved legs."

Rishard Simone, as I learned several months after I first read the Sporkings, is seemingly a expy of Richard Simmons, for some really bizarre reason.

Despite this, I still keep imagining Rishard Simone to look like Divine for the sake of funny.

There was a louder applause for Mr. Simone than for the others, but there was also a spattering of inappropriate wolf whistles. Headmaster Snape gave the students a stern look, but it was not close to the severity with which Percy Weasley was looking at him. Obviously Percy had not appreciated being introduced as the temporary Minister of Magic.

I don´t really remember Percy appearing in the fic again after this chapter, actually.

"If that big guy is the American coach, who is the Hogwarts' coach?" Caitlin asked.

Jamie just shrugged her shoulders and put her finger to her mouth, indicating for Caitlin not to talk.

Department of redundancy department.

As per usual.

"The teams will be challenged by three tasks, spaced throughout the school year," Snape announced. "These tests will involve daring, deduction, magical prowess, danger, but most importantly they will test your ability to cooperate and function as a team.

"Now, then, before we select the team to represent Hogwarts, I would like to introduce the students from The Salem Witches' Institute representing the United States. When your name is announced, please come up to the top of the Hall and enter the chamber behind the staff table."

Btw, only two of the American students get named, the others are more or less just background characters with no purpose and personalities.

Headmaster Snape produced a sheet of paper from his pocket and started reading names. As he announced each person's name the student rose from his or her seat and proceeded toward the staff table and then the chamber. The Hogwarts students seemed to be paying little attention to the introductions; instead they were attentively staring at the American's in their revealing uniforms.

Are you beginning to notice a read thread?

"How can they breathe in those outfits?" Amanda remarked. "They almost look sprayed on."

"It would be better if they were," Jamie remarked. "At least then they could move freely about. They all seem extremely self-conscience and embraced. Embraced? How many betas were there again? That poor girl's uniform appears much too small for her," Jamie said, indicating a girl walking toward them.

"Oh my!" Amanda cried. "She has a severe camel toe."

FUCK YOU NEIL

"A what?" Caitlin whispered questioningly.

"When clothing is so tight in the crotch area that the shape of the vagina is unmistakable, it's sometimes referred to as a camel toe," Jamie enlightened her.

"What's it called for guys?" Caitlin asked, staring fixedly as a boy about her age neared them.

"Oh my god! That's Brian from the cruise. I wonder if Kim and Emily have seen him?"

What are the odds?

When Caitlin looked toward the Slytherin table, it was evident by their frantic waving and pointing that the girls had indeed noticed Brian.

After the two reserves for Salem who will never be named were announced and had entered the chamber, Snape surveyed the hall. "Now it is time for the goblet to make its decision. The first six names selected will be the team starters. The last two names will be the alternates.

Oh, this is gonna be fun. Or not.

"As your names are announced, please go through into the next chamber and wait with our American friends."

Again:

Does this remotely sound like something Snape would say?

Snape took out his wand I almost forgot this was a Harry Potter fanfic and that magic is supposed to be a thing here and gave a sweeping wave, plunging the room into a state of semidarkness. All the candles except those inside the carved pumpkins were extinguished.

How specific.

Everyone watched and waited breathlessly. The Goblet of Fire was now everyone's focal point, shining brightly with its sparkling bright, blue-white flames. Suddenly the flames inside the goblet turned red. Sparks began to fly and then a charred piece of parchment shot into the air. The entire room gasped as Snape caught the piece of parchment.

I think most of this is taken directly from the fourth book.

"The first team member for Hogwarts is from Gryffindor. Jamie Zacherley, please come forward," he announced.

Wow, what a huge surprise that the Main Sue is on the team!

"No shocker there!" So obvious that even the characters in-Universe acknowledge it. Shouted Amanda happily, as she embraced her best friend. Jamie rose from the table to a thunder of applause; ALL HAIL TO THE MARY SUE she walked hurriedly to the front of the hall, a pink glowing slasher smile on her face. Jamie walked along the staff table and then entered the door into the next chamber.

"I knew she'd make the team," Emily said proudly. "I'd love to be on it with her."

"I'm sure you'll make it," Kim said encouragingly.

I guess the fact that Emily won´t make it is supposed to be a big twist here.

As the clapping subsided, everyone again focused on the goblet, which once more turned red and shot out a second piece of parchment.

"The next member is from Hufflepuff," said Snape, "Jeffrey MacDowell."

Wow, a Hufflepuff. What a surprise.

At first Jeff remained seated as if not believing his ears. Then after prodding from his mates, he jumped to his feet and practically ran to the front of the hall.

Btw, I think it´s at this point that Neil forgot that there previously had been introduced another Jeff at the nudist cruise.

"Do you know him? What year is he in?" Caitlin inquired of Amanda.

"He's a fifth year," Amanda answered. "I don't know him that well, but he seems like an okay sort."

He´s never gonna appear again after this fic so he won´t get that much focus aside from being one of Jamies simps.

"Our third competitor is from Gryffindor, Caitlin Potter," Snape announced.

"Me!" Caitlin exclaimed. "I don't have an athletic bone in my body."

Wasnt it repeatedly stated earlier that athletics werent that relevant in the overall picture?

"Evidently the goblet thinks you can help out the team," Amanda said, beaming and giving Caitlin a quick hug.

Well, she actually does a big help in one of the tasks. A rather explosive help, if you ask me.

"Caitlin and Jamie are both on the team," Hermione said clutching Harry's hand tightly. "They're going to be thrilled when they find out that you're coaching the Hogwarts team."

"I'm worried about Emily," Harry said looking out over the hall. "With Jamie and Caitlin on the team, I'm afraid she'll be dreadfully disappointed if she doesn't make it."

Shut up, Harry Stu, the world does not revolve around that brat. Hermione nodded her head in agreement.

As usual. "Donald Thomas from Ravenclaw is next to join the team," Severus declared.

The most irrelevant character on the team, everyone. "I bet no one from Slytherin will even make the team," Kim declared. "Our house isn't exactly known for support and teamwork."

Way to tempt fate, Kim. "Didn't the Headmaster say that each house would be represented? Emily asked. Before Kim could respond, a tongue of flame shot into the air and another piece of parchment fluttered out. "From Slytherin House, Kim Thatcher," Snape declared.

Dun dunn dunnnnnn Emily hugged Kim as the Slytherin table burst into applause. "That goblet has got to be crazy," Kim said as she dizzily got to her feet and staggered toward the head table.

Yeah, I also don´t necessary get why Kim was selected, but apparently two Mary Sues on the team were not enough. The clapping hadn't yet died down when the sixth piece of parchment shot out of the goblet. "The final member of the Hogwarts starting team is..." Headmaster Snape paused, as if not believing his eyes. "From Slytherin House, Dick Bancroft?"

Okay, apart from what a jerkass move it is from Snape to show how surprised he is from that, I also can´t help but laugh at it because the image of Snape doing this with big eyes is rather hilarious. At first the hall was quiet. Even the Slytherins seemed shocked by the selection of Bancroft. Finally as Dick got smugly to his feet, the Slytherins burst into cheers. The other houses gave a short polite spattering of applause.

Dick Bancrofts reputation within Slytherin itself is so inconsistent, at one moment most of them hate him and his obsession with Jamie, yet at the same time they let him do initiation rites with pureblood supremacist rhethorics.

I guess it´s just a case of BECAUSE THE PLOT SAYS SO "The next two names out of the goblet will be the team reserves," Snape announced. "Should, during any event, a starter be physically unable to compete one of the reserves will take their place." "The first reserve," Snape said, grabbing the bit of parchment from the air, "is Nora Jordan from Ravenclaw." Immediately another fragment shot into the air. "The second alternate is Lee Wilson from Hufflepuff."

At least these reserves get relevant in the plot, unlike the nameless Americans. "How does Emily look to you?" Hermione asked worriedly. "It's hard to say," Harry answered, trying to conceal his own concern. "It must to be terribly disappointing for her not to have made the team when her best friend and sisters all did."

I don´t care.

* * * * * *

Jamie quietly opened the door and stepped into a smaller room, lined with paintings of witches and wizards, many of who smiled happily and gave her encouraging gestures.

Remember, this is supposed to be a Harry Potter fanfic!

On the opposite side of the room, the American team was grouped around a fireplace in which a handsome blaze was roaring. They were occupied in conversation and didn't seem to spot her enter the room. Jamie remained near the door transfixed. The firelight had the effect of making the costumes worn by the Americans seem almost translucent.

It seemed like only moments before Jeffrey MacDowell, bursting excitedly into the room, broke her trance.

"Everyone knew you'd be selected," he said breathlessly to Jamie, "but I never dreamed I'd make the team."

"Obviously, the goblet has more faith in you than you do in yourself," Oh, shut up Jamie! Jamie said, embracing Jeff in an sincere hug. "I'm sure you'll do fine."

"Maybe!" Jeff said. "Just so I don't have to wear a costume like theirs. Did you notice the bottom part is actually a thong?"

The red thread.

"It is!?" Jamie said shocked. She hadn't actually noticed due to the capes draping that area of the body. Jamie now tried to get a better look at the attire being worn by the American's without actually staring blatantly at any of the students.

The costumes were unisex and appeared to share the qualities of a muscle shirt and a thong in one extremely tight and body molding piece. It was a garment she would more expect to find on the French Rivera than in a wizard school competition.

Oh, the horrors!

Yet I wonder why even in the Wizarding World they would let mostly underaged teenagers wear this stuff at a school competition.

"I wonder how the girls manage to keep their breasts from popping out the sides of those tops," she said matter-of-factly.

Jeff blushed. "I was wondering the same thing," he said eagerly, his eyes coming to rest optimistically on Jamie's full chest.

Because Jeff is a pervert too.

Neil, most men don´t do this so blatantly like all the males in the Hogwarts Exposed Saga!

The door opened and Caitlin hesitantly walked into the chamber. Jamie rushed to the door and embraced her tightly. "This is great," she said enthusiastically. "We're going to be on the team together!"

When Jeff burst into the room, it had attracted Brian's attention. Since then, he had been staring fixedly at Jamie. He couldn't get over how much this girl looked like Kim's older friend from the cruise. What were the odds of that happening? When Caitlin entered the room, he broke from his team and hurried over to the forming Hogwarts group.

"You're Mary Sues! witches," he shouted excitedly. "Are Kim and Emily, too?"

"We all are!" Caitlin responded, embracing Brian. "Does this mean Jeff and Mark are?"

"No," Brian said, shaking his head. "I wish they were. They're good friends and I hate constantly lying to them."

As I said earlier, I think Neil forgot that he had already introduced one character named Jeff earlier when he created the Hufflepuff Jeff and only realised it at this point.

One Jeff Limit.

As they talked, Donald Thomas entered the room. Jeff clasped his hand firmly and Jamie and Caitlin both gave him a hug.

LOL he doesnt even get any speaking lines upon entering the room, like he´s just a cardboard cut out!

"I better get back to my group," Brian said, feeling incongruous. "It's great seeing you guys. Tell Kim and Emily I said, hi! After they're done with us here tonight, maybe we can make arrangements to get together."

Brian had just turned to return to the American contingent when Kim wandered through the door. She still seemed to be in shock over being selected, but when she saw Brian; her face broke into a huge grin.

Brian ran to her and literally lifted her off her feet, swinging her in a circle. Kim's face turned bright red as he finally returned her to the ground.

"Why didn't you tell me that you were a witch?" Brian asked.

"For the same reason you didn't say you were a wizard," Kim replied. "That does, however, explain how you knew that someone had to be magical to become a ghost."

So she did pick up on that, then.

At least someone is somewhat smart among the Sues.

"I did let that slip, didn't I?" Brian said guiltily. "It's marvelous seeing you again."

"Bancroft! What are you doing back here?" Jeff barked, as Dick Bancroft barged through the door. "Only team members are allowed in here."

"That's me people," Dick crowed smugly. "I'm the sixth member of the team."

As Brian ran off to rejoin his squad, the Hogwarts group all exchanged bewildered looks. Certainly there had been some sort of horrible mistake. No one less personified the term 'Team Spirit" than Dick Bancroft.

After Nora and Lee joined the group, they all waited nervously to receive further instructions. As Caitlin waited, her eyes kept returning to Bancroft. How could the Hogwarts team possibly win when it seemed an albatross had just been added to the group?

That´s gonna be the least of her worries though, as we will see shortly.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, the door behind them opened and a small group of people came in: Professor Snape, followed closely by Minister Weasley, Mr. Simone, Coach Ryan and Professor Potter.

"I'm sorry that I didn't get to address you in The Great Hall," Minister Weasley said, staring daggers at Professor Snape. "I had a great deal of inspirational advice I wanted to impart to you and the students of Hogwarts. But since I was deprived of that opportunity, I will only say that I hope both teams will find this experience both satisfying and rewarding. It is not important which team ultimately wins the competition. What is significant is that you all learn the importance of cooperating and working together." Once again he gave Snape a chilly, trenchant stare. "Good luck to you all."

This wall of text somehow reads like the nonsensical talk of the Griffin council in My Inner Life.

Without a further word, he turned and departed the room.

"Well, that was certainly rude," Rishard huffed in a high voice. "He didn't even take my hand in parting."

"I apologize," Snape said. "I'm sure he thinks he has something more important to do. Now then before we get started, I'd like to introduce Professor Harry Potter to our guests. Professor Potter has agreed to coach the Hogwarts team."

With the exception of Dick Bancroft, the Hogwarts team all clapped appreciatively. Jamie, Caitlin and Kim jumped up and down and exchanged excited hugs.

Why would they hug now?

Mr. Simone, smiled broadly as his eyes stroked Harry. "Wonderful," he said, a pleasant flutter in his voice. "I was hoping I'd get the opportunity to know you better."

"Mr. Simone will be running combined training sessions for the teams and also acting as impartial judge and facilitator for the events," Professor Snape explained. "Mr. Simone, would you care to elucidate further?"

"Thank you, Severus," Rishard said in a come hither voice. "I must say that both schools have assembled lovely teams. I look forward to working closely with all of you."

"If he tries to work closely with me, he'll end up with a mouth full of knuckles," Dick Bancroft grunted softly.

"This is the fifth event such as this that I have conducted for the International Committee of Magical Games and Sports. I'm proud to say that all thus far have been fabulous successes and I'm positive this one will be no different."

Simone placed his hands on his hips. "The players from Salem might be deemed to have an advantage because they have competed against the other U.S. teams, but I assure you that these games will be quite different. They will require cooperation, teamwork and trust unlike any you have ever experienced. Remember, there is no 'I' in team. Individual abilities will not win an event. A challenge is not complete until every member of the team is across the finish line.

Aha.

"The next two weekends we will spend getting to know each other intimately In a fic like this, the word "intimately" can mean something way different and learning to fully trust our teammates. The actual tasks will be spread throughout the school year. You will not be given a date or time in advance. The task could be any day of the week between seven in the morning and seven at night. Unless there are questions, I believe that is all I have to say." Snape was on the verge of dismissing the students when Simone suddenly stopped him.

We´re finally getting to the actual main conflict of the fic: "Oh! My goodness! Silly me!" Rishard squealed. "I forgot the most important thing. I've noticed that the students from Hogwarts have been eyeing enviously the stunning team uniforms that the group from Salem is wearing. The International Committee of Magical Games and Sports had the magnificent House of Gayee "Gayee"? Seriously, Neil? in France create them just for these events." "Fear not! I have uniforms for you, also," Simone said in an excited giggly voice as he waved his hands about gaily. "The only difference is that yours are in green, red, yellow and blue. Oh! Yes! A new rule stipulation is that you must wear nothing more than the team uniform during participation hours commencing tomorrow and continuing until the presentation of the trophies in June. Don't worry about size. One size fits all." Caitlin looked down at herself and then glanced at Jamie. How could the same uniform possibly fit them both?

Oh, the suspense! "If that fruitcake thinks I'm wearing one of those, he's bonkers," Bancroft bellowed. "I quit. One of the alternates can have my starting spot." "Mr. Bancroft," said Headmaster Snape, putting his arm around Dick's shoulder. "For the first time in seven years, I believe you and I agree about something. Those uniforms are ludicrous and debasing. The designer should be tortured and the committee that approved their use by students cursed. Unfortunately, we must follow the rules, and they state clearly that those people whose names came out of the Goblet of Fire are bound to compete and follow all tournament requirements. You will be competing and you will be wearing that travesty of a uniform for the remainder of the year. I'm sure the rest of the school will be as distressed to see you in that get up as you will be to be seen in it. Learn to live with it."

Well, the one time he shows just some balls, it´s this here.

But yes.

Rishard Simone is in fact the Main Villain of this fic and the main conflict is angsting about the ridicculous outfits for the tournaments.

* * * * * *

"Will you girls please calm down," Hermione pleaded. "I saw the competition suits the Americans had on and I agree that they are awful, but I'm not sure what, if anything, we can do at this point. Why don't you go put them on so we can get an idea of just how dreadful they are?"

Jamie, Caitlin and Kim reluctantly grabbed their competition uniforms and headed for the bedroom.

"I don't see the problem," Emily said in an angry voice. "I'd give anything to be a part of that team. What's the big deal about their butt checks showing or the sides of their boobs? I thought we were all nudists? How can a camel toe embarrass you when you're willing to walk around with your twat fully exposed? I'd gladly partake nude if it meant being on the school team."

.....She does kind of have a point here.

"Emily, please use correct terminology," Hermione said, a tone of frustration in her voice. "Jamie and I have both tried to explain this to you countless times before, but evidently to no avail."

"That's because my sister is an exhibitionist," Jamie said, as she returned to the room.

As is Jamie sometimes too.

"Oh! My!" Hermione said as she gawked at Jamie. "That certainly leaves little to the imagination. Turn around and let me see it from all angles."

The uniform without a doubt reminded Hermione of a cut-off muscle shirt being attached by strings to a thong. The shirt part was colored stripes of green, blue and red, while the thong was yellow. The shirt only covered the chest ending just below the breasts. Actually in Jamie's case it barely covered the chest. Her nipples were only just covered by the edge of the fabric and the sides of her breasts were fairly visible. How lucky she killed Madam Hooch before she could see her in that outfit. In the back, two strings attached to the top at either side forming a V, the bottom point of which was just above her bum. At that point they became a single string that disappeared between her cheeks. From the back, Jamie looked like she was completely bottomless. Two strings also attached to the edge of the top at either side in the front. These strings met just above Jamie's vagina where they attached to a triangle of yellow cloth that scarcely covered that area before disappearing between her legs.

The outfit sounds like a stripper or go go dancer outfit.

Hermione shook her head in disbelief. If Jamie had pubic hair, it would all be visible. Thank you for reminding us of the Suethors preferences. She had seen the American uniforms, but not this close. She hadn't realized how revealing they really were.

"I can't believe that they expect you to practically live in these outfits for the next eight months. Going about normal activity would seem unfeasible, competing totally impossible. The boys' uniform is exactly the same?" she questioned. No way in hell could Harry, even in a flaccid state, ever conceal his package behind that little triangle; and what if he got aroused? The very thought was enough to increase her heartbeat.

"According to Brian, it's impossible to get through a contest without popping out several times." Kim added, as she and Caitlin entered the room. "He says that the girls' breasts are out more than they are covered. On one occasion, they were practicing making a human ladder and Debby's costume shifted to one side exposing her entire vagina. She was in the middle of the ladder and couldn't do anything about it for nearly ten minutes."

That really does sound painful.

Also, Debby is the only other American student besides Brian who is ever named.

"I'm sorry, but I don't understand the problem," Emily said in frustration. "They are just body parts. We just got off a cruise where hundreds of people saw us nude. Jamie, Caitlin and I wouldn't have a problem with walking to the library right now totally naked. So, why is it a predicament to have a camel toe or a tit pop out while wearing some stupid costume?"

"Jamie's right," Caitlin said tentatively. "I love you, Emily. Please don't hate me for saying this, but you're different from us. We're all nudists, but I think you are an exhibitionist. We love being nude because we feel free and comfortable that way. I don't do it to excite or titillate anyone." Caitlin bit her lip. "I think sometimes that you like people seeing you naked; that it gives you some kind of thrill."

Because that is exactly how Emily feels.

"Do you feel that way, too?" Emily asked, staring angrily at Kim.

"Sometimes you do go to extremes," Kim answered warily.

"So you all think I'm a tart," Emily cried. "In that case, why am I sitting here hiding my nudity? Why don't I just go display myself to the whole world?"

Shut up, Emily.

Emily jumped from the chair, angry tears running down her face, and ran toward the door before anyone could react. She threw open the door and ran naked out of the Potters' quarters.

"Oh! No! I bet she's headed for the library," Hermione screamed, running to the door.

Oh, the conflict!

Anyway, Hermie Sue runs out to confront Rishard Simone.

Hermione's knuckles had barely touched the door when a voice called out sweetly. "Do come in Professor Granger, I've been expecting you."

Hermione opened the door, but as she walked inside, the sight of a man doing sit-ups naked, momentarily took her aback.

She should be used to be seeing nudity daily, shouldnt she?

"I hope you don't mind, but I prefer to do my exercising in the nude," Rishard said in his high whiny voice.

I love that whenever any of the Potter household or Samantha practice nudism, it´s all good, but when someone like Rishard does it, it´s inherently eeeeevul.

"Not at all." Hermione answered indifferently as Rishard continued his sit-ups. "I favor exercising in the buff, myself. How did you know it was me on the other side of the door?" she asked.

"Reputation and your husband," Rishard answered demurely "He made it rather clear that you would most likely want to talk to me concerning the uniforms for the games. I'm surprised by your concern. I was under the impression that your entire family were nudists."

So he does know about their little naturist cult then.

"As I was trying to explain to my younger daughter, there is an immense difference between being a nudist and using your body to be sexually titillating."

"And you find the uniforms to be sexy?" he asked.

"I find the uniforms to be disgusting," she declared. "This is a school, not a strip club. There is absolute no way the participants can take part in any physical competition without exposing themselves.

"I certainly hope not," Rishard answered, a self-satisfied tone to his voice.

I feel like Rishard is Neils self conscious fighting over how he himself uses naturism as a way for his perversions, yet his other side fights against it.

Hermione just stared at him in disbelief. She found this man totally despicable.

Rishard finished exercising, but didn't bother putting his robes back on. Instead he stood leaning against the doorframe, one hand on his hip, studying Hermione. "I've been told that you are the smartest witch of our time. We´re constantly told it, yet never shown how she is that. It's disappointing that you haven't figured this all out on your own. Why do you think these games are being held?"

"To promote closer unity and understanding between witches and wizards of different countries," Hermione affirmed.

Rishard shook his head as he laughed. "Possibly that might have been one of the original intentions, but now if it occurs, it's just a pleasant by-product. The first games I had a part in were held in Australia against New Zealand. A great deal of money and effort went into preparing for them. It had been hoped that the sale of tickets, food and souvenirs would recoup those expenses. Sadly there was not a great deal of interest in the first two rounds and it looked like we would incur a financial disaster. Then halfway through the second event, there was a slight accident." Rishard smiled.

"A lovely young girl with extremely pleasant knobs fell out of a tree. Fortunately she was physically unharmed but seventy-five percent of her uniform remained attached to a tree branch. Instead of concealing herself behind the tree trunk and waiting for assistance, the young lady panicked and ran to get something with which to cover herself. She had to run approximately a quarter-mile, in full view of the spectators. In the process, she lost what was left of her uniform."

How convenient.

Mr. Simone smiled at Hermione. "For the final event, there was not a single empty seat in the stadium. We sold out of food, cameras, Omnioculars, practically everything. The overall competition didn't make any money, but we broke even. Unfortunately, however, there were no uniform malfunctions that day.

How inconvenient.

Hermione glared at Simone. "Are you telling me that these outfits were purposely designed so that the participants would be constantly exposing themselves? This is all about money?"

What do you think, Hermie Sue?

Rishard didn't answer; he simply gave her a toothy Gilderoy Lockhart smile.

How oddly specific.

"But these are children, certainly neither our Ministry nor the U.S. Magical Government can be supporting what almost amounts to child pornography," Hermione pleaded.

Hermione, you´re in Hogwarts Exposed.

Everyone is a pervert here.

"Wake up to the reality of the real world Professor," Simone advised. "Money speaks. These events now make a fortune and politicians from all the counties concerned want their share. Minister Wrong approached me. I didn't approach her."

This is one of the last times Emma Wrong is mentioned here.

And I think this is supposed to foreshadow something.

"But what about the children?" she pleaded. "Certainly their parents can't approve."

"The voices of a few troubled parents are easily drowned out by the cheers of the boisterous supporting crowds. Besides, these aren't children, they are adolescents; in some cases, such as Miss Zacherley, almost adults. They're not being molested or physically harmed in any way," Rishard claimed. "Why, one might say they are simply being exposed to how much enjoyment their nubile bodies can bring to others."

One might even say Overexposed, indeed!

"You are nothing but a filthy, sick pervert," Hermione screamed. "My girls will not be taking part in your sex show."

"Yes they will," Simone said, now sounding almost threateningly. "Have you forgotten that they've signed a magical contract?"

"Then, they'll wear robes over your hideous uniforms"

We then get to this exchange at the end:

Hermione stared at Simone. She didn't like to use the word hate, but it would be easy to learn to hate this man.

"Mister Simone, do you know what a hermaphrodite is?" she asked.

Rishard looked at her questioningly. "No, I'm afraid I don't"

"A hermaphrodite is a person born with both a vagina and a penis. Would you believe at this moment I wish I were one?"

Yeah, I also couldnt believe Neil actually wrote this.

He looked at her questioningly, trying to discern the abrupt change in the course of the conversation. "Why on earth would a woman as lovely as you want a penis?"

"So I could tell a deviate like you to suck my big hairy dick," she replied. Hermione turned and stormed out the door, slamming it behind her.

Yes, this happened.

Cut for a long conversation on how to go through the tournament without actually wearing the revealing uniforms.

So Hermione suggests they use the concealment charm that makes it look like they´re dressed, when they´re actually naked.

Hermione nodded her head. "That's the one obvious imperfection with my idea. You'll all need to be willing to have your teammates see you nude."

"Dick Bancroft?" Caitlin said, in a disgusted tone of voice.

Jamie looked as if she were about to be sick.

"Do we really have any choice?" Kim asked.

Emily then whines about how she wants to use the charm too, despite not being on the team.

"She's right," Kim agreed, hanging her head. "I don't know about you guys, but I'm using the charm." "Me, too!" Jamie and Caitlin said in unison. Harry just sat with a glazed look on his face, looking from girl to girl and then finally to Hermione. "I can't believe we're giving our blessing to this," he said in amazement.

Are you really that surprised, Harry? "Me either," Hermione agreed. "It's not the best option, it's our only option. I still feel like that perverted bastard, Simone, is winning, but I can't see anyway to get the girls out of wearing his distorted creations. It seems like all we can do is prevent matters from getting worse." Harry kept looking from girl to girl and shaking his head. He felt like he was letting them down. "I'll contact the Headmaster and get his okay for you to all spend the night here," Hermione said. "Harry and I will help you apply the charms in the morning. Between now and Saturday, you should have a team meeting, so everyone knows what to expect. Perhaps Nora or some of the boys will want to follow suit." Caitlin and Jamie exchanged glances. Somehow they couldn't picture any of the boys being eager to join them.

As if.

* * * * * *

"So that means that you'll be spending most of the next eight months nude," Alex said, trying to comprehend the total ramifications of this.

Alex sounds like he´s excited about that.

"Yeah, well except for my socks and trainers, of course" Jamie said. "Truth is, that with the exception of the Yule Ball, I don't see a reason that I'd be putting clothes on at all. I'll shower in the morning and then activate the charm. I'm required to look like I'm in that hideous costume till after dinner. It hardly seems worthwhile getting dressed at seven. I guess I'll just keep the charm on in the common room until I'm ready to go up to my dorm. Then I'll deactivate it."

Yeah Jamie, your life is really hard.

Jamie thought about this and then said. "Maybe, I will need to get dressed. I don't think I want to spend every night looking like a tart in that attire. It's bad enough I have to look that way twelve hours a day."

"Jamie, why not just ask our housemates if they'd mind if you removed the spell while in the common room at night?" You're going to actually be nude, why not just remove the pretence of having something on?" Alex asked.

I´m surprised she hasnt done that yet.

Jamie couldn't believe her ears. "You'd actually be okay with that? You wouldn't mind my being starkers in front of all the other guys?"

"My name isn't Matt," Alex declared. "I know what I have and I've no intentions of losing you by acting like some stupid jealous prat. You were a nudist long before we met and I'm assuming you desire to be one for the remainder of your life."

Alex is such a simp.

We then get through more long pointless dialogue of Jamie angsting about the outfits, and we end on that note:

"Just make sure that hand is on my leg and not between them," she said, trying to sound stern, but not succeeding. "If you cause me to have an orgasm in Flitwick's class and I start screaming, I'll never forgive you."

In this fic, anything is possible. "Speaking of orgasms, I didn't have time for dessert at dinner," Alex informed her. "Would you mind terribly if I had it now?" "That is something I'll never refuse you," she said as she laid back and spread her legs welcomingly.

Yeah, this was actually written down.

Afterwards they talk about whether Alex has told his parents that he is dating a naturist.

We still barely know anything about Alex in the first place.

After several chapters of filler and a whole chapter about stripper outfits, we return to what is supposed to be the plot:

"Nott, I understand you ran into a bit of a problem with the couple you visited last evening." "Yes, my Lord." Theodore Nott cried, prostrating himself at the feet of Salazar Slytherin. "I'm sorry my Lord, but they refused to enter your service. Please forgive me, my Lord. I tried my best to convince them that it was in their best interest, but they were vehement in their refusal."

This is giving me North Korean vibes. "On your feet, Nott," Slytherin commanded. "I do not punish faithful servants who do my bidding. You can only give wise counsel. You've offered them a life in my service, regrettably they have refused."

"Slytherins reign will be worse than Voldemort"

Slytherin crossed the room, giving the matter thought and then returned to Nott. "I'd like you to return to them again before the week is out and give them another chance to join my service. Do they have anything that might perhaps be used as a bargaining chip to influence them to reevaluate their original decision?" "Yes, my Lord. They have two children, both girls. The older attends Hogwarts, the six year old goes to the day school in Hogsmeade." "Hogwarts, dear Hogwarts," Slytherin said, as if reminiscing about bygone years. So you are saying he isnt reminiscing about bygone years? "I have many memories of the school, both good and bad. When you visit them, tell them how very disappointed I was at their decision. Also, inform them that if they do not join me immediately, their daughter will not live to ever ride the Hogwarts Express again." "Oh, and Nott, in order that they realize how sincere I am and how distressed I was that they didn't answer my first calling, I want you to take them a gift on my behalf." "Yes, my Lord," Nott said. "The gift my Lord, what is it to be?" "The severed head of the youngest girl."

DUN DUNN DUNNNNNNN

I can´t take this seriously, as this is only included in order to make Slytherin look waaaaaay worse than Voldemort, despite the fact that he just can´t be taken serious as some evil overlord. End of Chapter 12

Finally this chapter is over.

Oh, and this chapter had 6 writers, allegedly.

#Hogwarts Overexposed #Hogwarts Exposed #Hogwarts Exposed sporking #Neil #Hermione Granger #Harry Potter #Jamie Zacherley #Caitlin Garrison #Kim Thatcher #Mary Sue #Mary Sues #Emily Zacherley #Rose Potter #The Draco Trilogy #Salazar Slytherin #Bad Fanfiction #Rishard Simone #Divine

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yoramkelmer · 2 months

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Hogwarts Overexposed Chapter 11: Driving the Point Home

I was wrong, much of this chapter is filler too.

Be prepared for lots of cuts.

"Would you mind explaining to me why it appears like you were about to go down to the common room totally starkers?" Jamie asked.

I´m surprised that this is something surprising in this fic.

"Because that's exactly what I intend to do," Caitlin declared. "That is, unless you have it in mind to stop me."

"Suppose we step into your dorm for a minute and you explain to me exactly what's going on," Jamie suggested. "Then I'll decide whether I'm going to stop you or not."

Caitlin turned back into the room as Jamie followed her. She tossed the towel she was carrying onto her bed and then sat down. Jamie sat down next to her and placed her hand on Caitlin's leg. "What did Matt do?" Jamie asked as if reading Caitlin's mind.

We then get a flashback to when Jamie told Caitlin about her first time nude at Hogwarts.

"I tried that," Caitlin answered dejectedly. "He claims he loves me, but at the same time he wants to change me."

"He's an arse," LOOK HOW BRITISH I AM Jamie replied, shaking her head in sympathy. "You do remember though that Hermione forbid us both from going into the common room nude."

As if that would actually stop them, especially at this point after Hermie Sue has gotten assimilated into the naturist cult.

Caitlin nodded her head.

"You also know that the first and second years were not a part of the Gryffindor House that accepted us as nudists and gave their blessing for us to be naked."

Caitlin nodded her head again.

"You also realize how much trouble you could potentially get in."

Caitlin nodded her head once more. "I also appreciate that in all likelihood it will mean the end of Matt's and my relationship. Jamie, I'm a naturist. I love being a naturist. I'm proud of who I am and I don't want to change. It's the only way he'll understand."

Jamie got to her feet. "I love you, but you're crazy to do this," she said as she started to unbutton her blouse.

Well, it has actually been a while since Jamie had her moment, apart from stabbing Madam Hooch in her Animagus form.

"What are you doing? Caitlin asked.

"You supported me on Halloween, two years ago. I'm supporting you tonight."

"No! No you can't," Caitlin begged. "You're in your seventh year and Head Girl. I won't let you risk everything you've worked so hard to achieve. Besides, I have to do this on my own. He won't understand otherwise."

"Okay! Have it your way," Jamie said, "but give me a head start so that I can clue in Alex and Amanda. Good luck! I love you!" Jamie put her arms around Caitlin and held her tightly. Then she kissed her on the cheek and headed for the door.

That conflict was over rather quickly.

As Jamie entered the common room, Matt immediately ran up to her. "Have you seen Caitlin? I've been waiting for her all night."

"I was just talking to her," Jamie replied. "She'll be down in a few minutes. You might want to sit down."

"She's going to do what?" Amanda asked, a look of horror on her face as Jamie explained what Caitlin was about to do. "I can't believe you didn't talk her out of it."

Amanda, you´re talking to the girl who started the whole naturist cult and who turned her own simp boyfriend into one as well.

Why would she talk her out of it?

"Amanda, when were we ever successful in talking Jamie out of anything once she set her mind to it?" Alex asked. "Caitlin is no different."

Jamie nodded her head. "If I were in her shoes, I'd likely be doing the same thing. Fortunately, I'm not," she said reaching for Alex's hand.

Their relationship is so pointless.

"Oh! My God! She didn't call it off," Amanda cried, staring at the vestibule to the girls' staircase.

It was only moments before everyone in the Common Room was staring in Caitlin's direction. Some were doing more than staring, as Caitlin tried unsuccessfully to speak about the din.

"What the hell are you doing?" Matt hollered as he ran over to Caitlin. "Are you crazy? Everyone is gawking at you. Go back to your dorm immediately."

"I don't think so," Caitlin said defiantly. "What you see is me! The real me! You can either accept me or reject me, but don't try to change me."

Cut, Caitlin breaks up with Matt.

"Harry, do you think there is something wrong with us? Are we sex maniacs?" Hermione asked, as she and Harry relaxed after a very fulfilling session.

In this fic, they certainly are.

"What would make you ask such a question?" Harry replied.

"I've read in different books that many couples, after they been together for a while, only have sex once a week; some do it even less," Hermione informed him. "You and I seldom miss a night and more often than not do it multiple times."

"The difference could be that we don't have sex," Harry asserted. "We make love."

He held Hermione in his arms, staring lovingly into her face. "I can't believe I was so blind for so many years. All that time we spent together; all those adventures we shared. How could I not see that I'd never be happy with anyone but you?"

Cut, they talk of Draco and Ginny.

We then get to Ron and Sam, with Ron whining about the sex ed.

"Ronald Weasley, don't lie to me," Sam scolded. "I'm your wife. We share good times and bad times. Something is bothering you. Out with it."

"The students hate me," said Ron. "They think I'm a terrible teacher."

"I doubt that," Sam said, encouragingly. "I'm sure you're exaggerating."

Well, in this fic, it´s very common for people to shit on Ron, so I personally don´t think he´s exaggerating.

"No I'm not. You forget that werewolves have very acute hearing," Ron pointed out. "I hear them talking when they think I'm out of range. They all wish they had Ginny for 'Anatomy of the Sexes,' She's the sexy, cool Weasley; the one who's not afraid to tell it like it is. Today, one group actually said that I made Binns seem alive and exciting by comparison."

I laughed the first time I read the "sexy Weasley" line 9 years ago.

"Honestly Ron, it can't be that bad," Sam said supportively. "What do you have the classes do?"

"Read and outline the chapter," Ron answered.

"And once they've outlined the chapter, what then?" Sam pressed

"Then they read and outline the next chapter," Ron answered, sounding as if this was certainly the most logical progression.

"They just read and outline? Don't you ever discuss the material with them?" Sam asked. "I know those textbooks were the best available, but they're old and out of date. They're lacking a lot of important information."

"They're thirteen and fourteen year olds," Ron said in horror. "Half of them are girls. You don't actually expect me to discuss sex with them?"

Anyway, Sam thinks that Ron should actually discuss the contents and then Ron agrees.

Another cut for another boring Ginny/Draco scene.

Friday, September 30, 2005

"This is quickly becoming my least favorite class," Matt said as he and Randy neared the classroom.

"I have the same opinion," Randy agreed. "I can only think of two things good about the class. It's only a single period and it only meets once a week."

"Did you ever think you'd be struggling to keep awake in a sex education class?" Matt asked.

"We wouldn't be if we had a decent teacher," replied Randy. "Kim says that the other professor Weasley is really cool. She discusses everything in the book and even allows them to ask any questions they want. It's just our luck to get the loser Weasley as our professor."

"Speaking of losers, here he comes," Matt said as they were seated. "Wish I had remembered to go back to the dorm for my pillow."

Did you think I was kidding with the Ron bashing?

As Ron entered the room, all the third year Gryffindors, took out their textbooks, anticipating their professor's instructions.

"Textbooks away. You won't need them today," Ron said tensely, as he seated himself on the desk. "You've read the first four chapters. Hopefully, by now, you're bursting with questions."

Tentatively, Michael Hallowell raised his hand. "Professor, must the question be limited to the material in the first four chapters?"

Michaek Hallowell only gets mentioned here because he was only mentioned once at the beginning of the first fic when he was sorted into Gryffindor after Caitlin was.

This is part of Neils lame attempt at emulating JK Rowlings writing style where she namedrops people early in the series only to have these characters play a plot-relevant role later on.

It´s important to remember plot-relevant, as Michael Hallowell only gets mentioned here for a namedrop and then never ever gets relevant ever again.

Ron noticeably gulped, his face already warming. "I'd prefer we concentrate on the material we've all read, but if you have a pressing question, I'll endeavor to deal with it."

"Sir, is there actually a penalty for having sex under age fifteen or is that just a fairy-tale told by our parents to scare us into abstaining?" Michael continued.

I really "love" how utterly sex obsessed Neils version of the wirzarding world is.

Ron relaxed slightly. This wasn't too bad. He could handle this question; it didn't deal with the actual sex act or body parts.

"It's not a myth," Ron began, "and unfortunately many magical parents neglect to inform their children of the consequences. Sexual intercourse prior to age fifteen is considered rape. If the male is fifteen or older he will be sent to Azkaban, the sentence varies depending on the age of the girl involved: the younger the girl, the longer the sentence. If both parties are under age, neither is sent to Azkaban, but rather both taken from their, now declared unfit, parents and placed in a juvenile detention center until they are fifteen."

"Excuse me, sir!" Jennifer asked raising her hand. "What if the girl is fifteen, but not the boy?"

Jennifer, a character who never got mentioned before and never gets relevant again.

Ever noticed how we never have met any of Caitlins female classmates yet?

"Nothing would happen because the spell that causes the names to appear in the Offenders Log would not be triggered," Professor Weasley replied.

Caitlin's hand shot into the air.

"Yes, Miss Potter."

"Then are you in actuality saying that a boy could have sex under fifteen and get away with it, but a girl can't?" she asked.

"The age requirement law applies to both boys and girls, but only girls generate a posting in the log."

....this is so stupid.

"That seems unfair and extremely sexist," Caitlin declared. "What exactly sets off this spell?"

The conversation was going in a direction that was making Ron nervous, but he took a deep breath and said, "Semen. Semen within proximity of the walls of the vagina triggers the spell and causes the names of both offenders to be registered. I don't know exactly how it works, but every female witch born since the early fifteen hundreds has had this as a part of their DNA." Ron hesitated slightly. "Before anyone asks, those rubber things that Muggles use don't prevent detection."

"those rubber things that Muggles use"

I´m sure they all know what condoms are.

And this is still so stupid.

Caitlin appeared to be extremely angry with reference to her newly obtained knowledge. "I don't have a problem so much with the law. Fifteen seems reasonable, but I do have a problem that my own body has somehow been implanted with something that snitches on me. It's an invasion of privacy. Why was this done to only girls?"

"I've never been a great student of history," said Professor Weasley. "In today's world, in most countries, perhaps it wouldn't be necessary. We are, however, talking about a time when girls entered into arranged marriages as early as age ten; an age at which they were not even yet truly a woman.

Considering Neils view of gender, I´m surprised he isnt actually advocating for these views.

Cut for boring.

Cut for a very boring exposition scene where Jamie and Amanda infodump us on for how long Caitlin has been hanging out in the common room nude.

Also, we get introduced to a first year named Evan, who gets involved with Caitlin.

It includes a very creepy scene of him trying to touch Caitlins tampon because he doesnt know what it is.

And yes, this is creepy as hell.

We get back to what is supposed to be the actual plot:

October 30, 2005 Once the golden plates were again clean, Snape stood up. There was a thrill of excitement in the air. "The time has come," Snape said observing the anxious faces before him. "Before we bring the casket in, I would like to say a few words of explanation." Kim looked wide-eyed at Emily. "Did he say casket?" she whispered. Emily didn't answer, but rather uncertainly nodded. "The team from Salem will be arriving at six o'clock tomorrow," Snape announced. "Lessons will end half an hour early so that all students will have time to spruce up and then assemble in front of the castle to greet our guests who will be joining us for the Halloween Feast."

The way he says it sounds like Snape has been under a curse or replaced with a Doppelgänger. "At the feast, our six member team and two alternates will be chosen by an impartial selector: the Goblet of Fire," he said. "Mr. Filch, the casket please."

I actually can´t remember at this point if Filch actually appeared in the Saga so far. Filch approached Snape carrying an extremely old looking wooden chest encrusted with jewels. Snape tapped three times on the top of the casket with his wand and with a creaking sound the lid slowly opened. From the chest, Snape removed a large, roughly hewn wooden cup that was full to the brim with dancing blue-white flames.

Be prepared for the recycled plotlines coming up. "The Goblet of Fire," Snape said, holding up the cup as if to introduce it. "The Goblet will be placed in the entrance hall tonight, where it will be freely accessible to all those wishing to compete. Anybody wishing to participate must write their name and house legibly upon a piece of parchment and drop it into the goblet. Tomorrow evening, the goblet will return the names of the six individuals it judges best to represent the school, along with the names of two alternates.

I´m looking so much forward to spork any of the upcoming fail that comes with that tournament. "Please remember that the placing of your name in the goblet constitutes a binding, magical contract. Do not enter into it lightly. Once your name is selected you are obliged to see the tournament through to the end." "I remind you that first years are not eligible to compete," Snape added. "Do not waste your time submitting your name. It will only win you a night's detention with Mr. Filch. If there are no questions, I think it is time for bed. Good night."

Is it just me or were even second and third years bared from participating in canon? "Jamie, are you going to submit your name?" Caitlin asked eagerly.

Foregone conclusions ahoy.

"I'm not sure," Jamie answered. "You must," Amanda insisted. "You're the best athlete in our house."

This line makes me think of that scene in "Forbiden Fruit the Tempation of Edward Cullen" where one of the Sues friends tells her that she´s an uhmaaaazing singer and should participate in the schools talent contest.

And of course the Main Sue is Gryffindors best athlete. "Okay, I will if you both do," Jamie agreed. "But I'm not athletic," Amanda argued. "Neither am I," Caitlin said adamantly. "Who said you had to be athletic?" Jamie questioned. "The way they talk, the team must be well rounded. I think everyone in the school should submit their names so that the goblet can select the best team possible to compete for Hogwarts."

Jamie, stop it with the fake modesty. "That makes a lot of sense," Alex said, "especially if all the particulars of the contests have been given to the goblet. It alone would know the best combination of skills needed to succeed."

Shut up Alex.

* * * * * October 31, 2005 "This had to be the longest, most boring day ever," Emily moaned as she and Kim filed down the steps, along with the other Slytherins, and lined up in front of the castle with the other houses. "Isn't that how it always goes?" Kim asked. "If you dread an approaching event, time appears to fly. If you're looking forward to something, it always crawls. Did your parents mention what time the train carrying the Americans is scheduled to arrive in Hogsmeade?" "I doubt they'll be arriving by train," answered Emily. "Do you think they'll Apparate then?" asked Kim. "Maybe Americans are allowed to do it at a younger age than us." "I think I recall my Mum saying at least a hundred times that you can't Apparate inside Hogwarts grounds," Emily joked. How is this a joke? "She told me that when The Triwizard Tournament was held here, the students all arrived in really impressive ways. The delegation from Beauxbatons arrived in a gigantic, powder blue, horse-drawn carriage. The carriage was the size of a large house and it was pulled through the air by a dozen winged horses, each the size of an elephant."

More throwbacks to actual canon incoming. "The party from Durmstrang arrived on a sailing ship," Emily continued. "A whirlpool appeared in the very middle of the lake and this magnificent ship just rose up out of it." "Well, in that case I'm sure the Americans will want to put on a fancy show," said Kim. "I wonder what they'll come up with?" "I don't know," Emily answered, "but whatever it is, I wish they'd hurry. It's already after six. I'm hungry and I have to pee."

WHAT IS IT WITH NEIL AND HIS FETISH OF HIS SUES PEEING THEMSELVES? "That would be a nice greeting. As they walk by, you can pee on their feet. I'm sure they'd never forget you," Kim laughed. "It isn't funny,' Emily moaned. "I really need to go."

Cry me a river, Emily. Just then a gigantic shape passed over the treetops of the Forbidden Forest. "What is it?" Marta cried. "I'm not sure," Tyler answered, "but it's huge. I don't see where it is going to land. It's looks bigger than the Quidditch pitch." "It's a carpet," Kim screamed. "A gigantic red, white and blue striped flying carpet."

I can actually see that happening in the HP verse. "Flying carpets are illegal," Denise protested.

Of course Denise or Janice had to turn it into something negative. "Maybe not in the United States," Tyler suggested. "They probably obtained special permission to fly it over Britain. Looks it's going to land on the flat lawn where we had broom flying lesson last year." When the carpet finally came to rest, a small building, sitting in the middle became perceptible. "It's a log cabin," Tyler said in displeasure. "What a bloody disappointment. Based on the size of that carpet, I expected something a great deal more impressive."

He´ll probably whine about it in a video on his youtube channel or his Instagram story. The words had barely left his lips when over a hundred skyrockets zoomed into the air illuminating the grounds with bursts of red, white and blue. Everyone gasped in awe as the pyrotechnics display continued on, increasing in magnitude until the sky was blazing with color and the ground was shaking from the detonations. Finally, in conclusion, there was a huge explosion and the sky glittered with thousands of American flags.

AMERICAAAAA FUCK YEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHH

"Got to give it to the Yanks," Tyler said, "that was pretty impressive." His attention, along with everyone else's, now returned to the smoke obscured log cabin. They waited impatiently for the smoke to clear and the American delegation to exit the log cabin. But as the smoke dissipated, it was apparent that the log cabin was no longer present; a full size replica of the United States White House had replaced it.

Because reasons. "Impressive," Tyler said, biting his lips and nodding his head. "Will you hurry up?" Emily cried, trying to cross her legs without losing her balance.

Well, it´s certainly a while since we heard the word "balance" in this fic. Finally, the doors opened and the American group proceeded down the steps and then across the lawn toward the waiting Hogwarts students. "Oh! No!" Emily cried, as the group neared. "Emily, please tell me you didn't have an accident. Not now, of all times," Kim entreated as she turned toward her best friend.

Yes, this is the cliffhanger. End of Chapter Eleven

The fun starts next chapter, with what will become the main source of conflict for the rest of the fic.

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yoramkelmer · 2 months

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Hogwarts Overexposed Chapter 10: Twists and Turns

Welcome back, yet again. It´s already been several months since the last time I sporked this fic, and today was th only day I really had time to do the spork.

Despite the title of the chapter being "Twists and Turns", this truly is a very boring chapter.

Let´s get in.

Monday, September 5, 2005

What a difference a year makes, Emily thought to herself as she watched Kim sleeping contentedly. When they first met, Kim was the shyest, most worried first year you could ever imagine. I honestly love how this has to repeated again and again, instead of actually being shown her character developement. Her anxiety was only amplified when her dorm-mates mistakenly jumped to the conclusion that she was a nudist and she ended up having to live the lie.

Why are we told things we already know?

Back then, Kim couldn't wait to close her bed hangings in order to hide her embarrassment at being naked. Now her hangings were wide open and Kim was sleeping coverless, her loveliness completely exposed. One might even say Overexposed!

Cut for boring talks and yet another argument with Janice and Denise - who are the same person essentially - who call Kim and Emily Queer.

"We're not done yet," Emily said, smirking. "Remember, I promised to soap you up."

Oh no -_- "I don't think we should do that," Kim said, suddenly sounding quite serious. "I'm afraid I might like it." Before Emily could respond, Marta considering that her name is spelled "Marta" instead of the typical english spelling "Martha", does that mean that she´s hungarian? entered the room. At first she just stared at them, without speaking. "You guys really do love each other, don't you?" she asked, seeming very impressed. "But not in the way you tried to make Denise and Janice believe." "We're not gay if that's what you mean," Kim admitted, "but I'd do anything for Emily. Other than my Mum, I've never loved a person so much."

At this point it´s not entirely clear if she´s referring to her late biological mother or Hermione, as Jamie and Emilys parents have more or less become forgotten after the end of Too Exposed. "I love her as much as I do Jamie and Caitlin. She's my sister," Emily avowed. Marta studied them both cautiously as if she had something significant to share, but was extremely tentative. "Kim, did you mean what you said? Do you really not let sexual orientation affect how you feel about people? How about you, Emily? Do you think people who are gay are weird?"

I think this is just again a good place to remind people that Neil feels creeped out by gay men, but seems to go with the "girl on girl is hot" trope that´s become increasingly frawned upon since then.

And keep in mind these girls are around 12-14, which makes it even creepier. Emily wavered, not certain just how much private information about herself she wanted to reveal to Marta with her answer. "I treat people the way they treat me," she said. "Their sexual preferences are their own business." She faltered before adding, "It's not right for me to judge other people, when I can't even completely figure myself out. I'm only twelve, but I'm pretty sure I'm heterosexual." She took a deep breath. "But there is a good chance I might be bisexual." "Why are you asking all these questions?" Kim asked. "Because it's hard to always be hiding your true feelings. It would be nice to have someone you could trust; someone you could let your guard down in front of." It was Marta's turn to take a deep breath. "Becky and I are a couple," she said quickly and then waited for a response.

Dun dunn duuuunnnnnnnn "How long have you been together?" was the first question out of Kim's mouth. "We've known each other since we were five," Marta answered, "but we've only been doing things to each other since we were ten."

"....doing thigs to each other since we were ten"

NEIL YOU SICKO "Ten?" Emily repeated in amazement. "You both knew you were gay at ten?" "Not for sure. We just knew we liked to touch each other and be touched. It wasn't until we met you two that we were sure we were homosexuals," Marta explained.

Does this sound like something a 12 year old would say? "What did we have to do with it?" Kim asked. Marta face turned a bright red. "Well, to be perfectly honest, the two of you running around in the buff all the time got both Becky and I rather keyed up." Emily and Kim exchanged nervous looks. "Don't worry, neither of us ever considered approaching either of you. We had each other to satisfy our wants. FUCK YOU NEIL FUCK YOU Besides, you both had us somewhat confused as to whether you liked boys or girls or both." "Do we still get you excited?" Kim asked uncertainly. "You both have attractive bodies, and Becky and I admittedly enjoy looking at you; similar to how someone looks at sexy pictures in a magazine." NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO THIS IS SO WRONG FUCK YOU NEIL Marta paused. "I'm only confiding all this to you because we're tired of hiding our feelings. We want to be open about how we feel about each other, but we'd like to know that at least you two supported us." "You both supported us last year," Emily said, without faltering. "I'll be there for you." "That goes for me too," Kim said. "But...." "You want to know how we can be sure about our feelings and choices," Marta said, as if reading Kim's mind. "We can't be absolutely positive. The two of us only know how we feel when we're together and neither of us wants that feeling to ever end." "I envy you both," Emily sighed. "I hope you both still feel the same about each other a hundred years from now." "I hope you and Kim both still share the marvelous friendship you have," Marta said sincerely. "I also hope that knowing about Becky and I won't make you self-conscious in front of us." "Not in the least," Emily replied. "I can't think of any circumstances in which I'd prefer to be clothed rather than nude."

Because the token lesbian couple can´t possibly com out as a couple on their own without the help of the Sues.

* * * * *

When Emily and Kim returned to the dorm after completing their showers, they found Becky and Marta both sitting on Becky's bed talking conspiratorially. The four girls exchanged knowing smiles as Kim and Emily dressed for breakfast.

Getting dressed must be torture for them. "Did I miss a lot on Thursday and Friday?" Emily asked concernedly. "Not really," Kim said. "It was mostly review of stuff we learned last year. Today should be interesting though. This morning we have our first 'Anatomy of the Sexes' class with Professor Weasley, and then this afternoon Professor Longbottom is going to have us transplant Mandrakes in Herbology."

The "Anatomy of the Sexes" part is going to lead to one of the most infamous scenes from this fic.

Wait, you thought it was over once the long awaited freudian "Hooch gets impaled by a Unicorn" scene?

Think again. "Which one of the Weasleys do we have, the male or the female?" Emily asked. "The one with boobs," -____- Kim answered. "She is teaching first and second years." "Somehow I doubt we'll learn anything in that class," Emily said assuredly. "I just can't picture Professor Weasley discussing sex frankly with a room full of twelve year olds, and the textbook looks like it is out of the Dark Ages." "I think she'll be much better than her brother," Kim answered. "He's teaching the third and fourth years."

Because even Kim needs to join in on the Ron bashing that´s so prevalent in this Saga. "You guys about ready?" Becky asked, giving Kim and Emily a smile. "As soon as I slip on my skirt," Emily said, adjusting her mini. "I can't believe you two tarts," Denise said with revulsion. "OMG you guys are so scary!" said Britney "It's bad enough neither of you ever wear bras, but how can you parade around in such short skirts without knickers?" Neither girl verbally answered Denise. Emily did, however, bend over while lifting her skirt to moon Denise and Janice and showed them her middle finger. As they neared the door to their dorm room, Becky and Marta exchanged nervous glances before reaching out and clutching each other's hand tightly. "What do you say?" Emily asked, giving Kim a devilish smile. "Should we give the school something to really talk about?" "That depends on what you have in mind," Kim answered coyly. "I have no problem with you holding my hand, but I'll scream if you grab my butt in public."

The latter is something that is rather in character for Emily. "Would I do that?" Emily asked, starting to slip her hand under Kim's skirt. Kim slapped her hand away. "You're worse than Randy."

Randy, who gets more and more forgotten as this fic goes along.

Speaking of Randy, his character is so pointless and with no characterisation whatsoever that I can´t help but imagine him to look like the NPC meme.

(couldnt find a gif of the meme, but this one extols the same energy) "Speaking of Randy, how are the two of you getting along?" Emily asked. "Have you heard anything from Brian?"

Isnt it interesting that Kim falls in love with an American the summer before Hogwarts is having a big event competing with a magical school from the US?

"Now what's going on?" Harry said, looking dumbfounded, as he realised he had been transported into a bizarro fanfic where he for years acted out of character surrounded by Mary Sues! Becky and Marta entered the Great Hall followed closely by Kim and Emily, both couples holding hands.

Oh, the horror!

"I'm not sure I want to know," Hermione said shaking her head in consternation.

"You don't think they're, what do they call it, coming out of the closet... do you?" Harry asked.

"I don't know," Hermione answered, looking rather bewildered. "It would seem to me that twelve would be rather young to be sure of one's sexual penchant. Although I did notice what seemed to be a definite magnetism between Marta and Becky last year."

Which is something she only talks about now.

"Neither of them is my daughter," Harry said, alarm evident in his voice. "What about Emily and Kim? I thought they both were fond of boys."

Cut for a lengthy section of Becky and Martas big coming out along with big praise for the Sues that goes on forever.

Emily gave Kim an angry look, but before she could reply, there was a rushing sound overhead and her attention was drawn to the arrival of a hundred or so owls. The owls circled the hall, dumping letters and packages into the chattering crowd.

This is apparently a big thing. Uncharacteristically, the hall suddenly became extremely quiet. Emily looked toward the head table expecting to see the Headmaster standing ready to speak, but instead she saw what had caused everyone in the room to become hushed. There was a large screech owl circling the head table. That was not unusual because the staff received mail regularly. What had gotten everyone's attention was the red envelope clutched in the owl's beak. "One of the Professors is getting a Howler," Caitlin whispered to her sister.

MUH G00000D

I've never seen that before in my seven years," Jamie said aghast. "Who would be so disrespectful as to send a professor a howler when they are surrounded by students?"

Ah, the Purity Sue in Jamie speaks again. It´s been a while. "I wonder who it's for?" Caitlin asked, but the words had barely escaped her lips, when the owl came to rest next to the Headmaster and politely offered the letter to him.

Well, at least the owl is polite. Katie and Severus exchanged edgy looks and then Katie did something she had never done before in public. She placed her hand reassuringly on top of Severus', reciting the Blessing of Aharon. "You better open it," she said in an apprehensive whisper. "They only get worse the longer you delay. Best you get it over with." "Who would be so juvenile and discourteous as to send the Headmaster a Howler?" Hermione asked disgustedly. "And at breakfast, of all times." "I would be willing to venture a guess," Harry said, a bad taste residing in his mouth, but it looks like we're all about to find out."

The way it is written makes it look like it´s something Harry said in all one sentence. Severus stretched out his hand, relieved the envelop from the owl's beak, and slit it open. For a moment it seemed like the envelope had exploded; a roar of sound filled the Great Hall.

"--JUST WHO THE BLOODY HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? --"

Percy Weasley's voice roared, a hundred times louder than normal. The students stared at the head table, as the bellowing voice echoed off the stonewalls of the hall,

"THE STORY THAT APPEARED IN THE DAILY PROPHET DID SO WITH MY APPROVAL. I PERSONALLY VERIFIED ALL THE DETAILS. HOW DARE YOU HAVE THE GALL TO SUGGEST THAT I, THE MINISTER OF MAGIC, WOULD APPROVE A STORY THAT WAS NOT FULLY FACTUAL? "WHEN I ATTENDED HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY, I CONSIDERED YOU TO BE A PROFESSIONAL, COMPETENT TEACHER. IT IS REGRETFUL THAT YOU HAVE FALLEN VICTIM TO THE LIES OF HARRY POTTER AND HIS MISGUIDED LEGION. "I AM NOT A SPITEFUL OR VENGEFUL MAN AND UNDERSTAND THAT EVEN THE BEST OF US OCCASIONALLY FALTER. SHOULD YOU, HOWEVER, CONTINUE TO MISLEAD THE STUDENTS OF HOGWARTS, IT WILL BE MY SAD DUTY TO SEEK YOUR DISMISSAL AS HEADMASTER. Sincerely, Percy Weasley Minister of Magic

Oh well. Again, how am I supposed to take him serious as an antagonist?

Snape calmly rose to his feet as the letter burst into flames. "It is at times like these that people, even students as young as yourselves, are required to make choices, tough choices. I propose that you make your future decisions based on past history. When Lord Voldemort returned in the nineteen-nineties and sought to once again rule our world, Harry Potter and former Headmaster Albus Dumbledore attempted to warn the wizarding world. The Ministry and The Daily Prophet disparaged them both. Fortunately, we learned before it was too late who was giving us truthful information. We should learn from history where to place our trust."

This whole plot recycling after the release of the fifth book makes it all seem so forced and ridicculous.

And keep in mind, all the things from the fifth year onward from both the fics he stole it from are still canon inside this fic together with actual canon! Without further comment Snape took his seat. At first, the Great Hall remained quiet. Then as the students rose to their feet in order to head for their first class of the day, the talk became incessant.

* * * * *

"What if he has you removed as Headmaster?" Katie asked concernedly. "Where will you go? What will you do?" She grasped Severus' hand. "What will become of us?"

Remember:

Snape and Katie Bell are an actual couple in this fic now.

And no, his infatuation with his former students are never called out on.

"The Ministry has absolutely no authority when it comes to running Hogwarts," Severus said confidently. "Albus Dumbledore took care of that after all the difficulty with Fudge and that vicious Umbridge woman. Only the school Board of Governors can remove the Headmaster and that takes a two-thirds majority."

Umbridge, who now officially is part of the canon and hasnt been mentioned until this very point.

The most fun part about is that this fic is getting it´s own form of Umbridge in the next chapter. Just not as well written.

"But what if he goes to the Board and they agree to remove you?" Katie asked, not convinced that Severus' job was secure.

"As long as I have the support of Harry, Hermione and Ron, I'm not concerned," Severus explained. "There are a lot of new, younger Board members now; they respect the Covenant and won't be easily bamboozled by someone like Percy Weasley. Besides, I doubt he'll even approach them. He won't want to take the chance of looking weak if they refused his request."

"No matter what happens, I'll be by your side," Katie declared.

"I knew I could count on that," Severus replied, with a smile.

And now, let´s get back to the most important stuff:

"You never answered my question this morning," Emily said, as she and Kim took seats next to each other for their first 'Anatomy of the Sexes' class. "Has Brian written you at all?"

Kim didn't answer, but instead glowed pink as she held up six fingers.

"He's written you six letters," Emily said excitedly. "You must have really made an impression on him."

"I like him, too," Kim said shyly. "If only he wasn't a Muggle. It makes things so complicated. Even posting him a letter is a pain."

FORESHADOWING

"When are you going to tell Randy?" Emily asked.

Randy who?

"I don't know what to do where he is concerned," Kim said concernedly. "He's really nice and I don't want to hurt him. He lost Caitlin to Matt and you to Tyler. If I break up with him, it will be a nasty blow to his ego. Besides, what are the odds of Brian and I ever even seeing each other again, let alone becoming a couple? He's in the United States and I'm here."

I don´t remember it ever actually being stated that Kim and Randy were an official couple.

"I understand where you are coming from," Emily said supportively, "but somehow it just seems wrong to leave Randy under the impression that he is the foremost guy in your life when you are writing Brian. How about Brian, does he know about Randy?"

"No," Kim said hanging her head. "I was afraid he'd stop writing if he knew I had a boyfriend."

This drama seems even more ridicculous when you realise what a non-entity so far, he was just "there", but never had any character arc or any other thing going on apart from being one of Caitlins simps.

The girls' conversation was brought to a halt by Ginny bringing the class to order.

"You won't be needing your wands in this class," she said with a smile. "We'll be talking about a different kind of magic; the magic of love, intimacy, conception and birth. Although we will be following the printed guidelines in your textbooks, I want you to feel free to ask questions at any time and I'll do my best to answer them. Since this is our first session together, I think we should get to know each other. Suppose you each stand and introduce yourself. Then ask me a question that has been on your mind. Who wants to start?"

The way she talks makes me think about that one American Dad episode where they had sex ed and Steve gets laughed at for a stupid question.

The students all exchanged glances, but no one raised their hand.

"I realize that you're all nervous," Professor Weasley said. "You probably aren't used to discussing sex in a mixed group. Thought was initially given to having separate classes for boys and girls, but the final decision was that you should be taught together. Would anyone like to venture a guess as to why it was decided it was best to instruct you as a mixed group?"

At first no one moved, but then a hand timidly rose. "Yes, Miss Thatcher. What do you think was the reason?"

"We'll all be having sex together, so we should learn about it together," Kim said softly.

This is so stupid.

"Hopefully not all at once," Ginny said, straight faced.

When the inference of what Ginny had said settled in, the class broke into laughter. Even Kim laughed at her slip.

"That would be called an orgy, and something we hopefully won't be discussing," Professor Weasley said with a laugh as she put her hand on Kim's shoulder. "We all know what you meant, but I appreciate you breaking the tension. We will also be discussing same-sex relationships, but for the moment, let's confine our discussion to heterosexual, or boy/girl relationships."

This delivery sounds so natural.

As the giggles subsided, Emily's hand went in the air.

Oh no.....

"Our first question," Ginny said, her voice sounding both pleased and edgy.

"Emily Zacherley-Potter," she said in introduction. "I've been a nudist all my life. That doesn't necessarily give me a heads up when it comes to knowledge about sex, but I probably have seen more naked people than anyone else in the room. I've noticed that some men have extremely large things. What happens if you fall in love with someone and it doesn't fit in your twat when you want to make love?"

FUCK YOU NEIL, FUCK YOU!

Cut, this goes on for so long.

The section ends with Kim announcing that she really loves observing penises.

Cut for a boring scene with Caitlin and Matt, who among other things discuss why Percy doesnt believe her testimony.

We then cut to Ginny and Draco:

"Red, have you ever thought about having kids?" Draco asked, ostensibly out of nowhere, as they headed for lunch.

Because in this Saga, that´s all women are made for.

Ginny stopped abruptly and gawked open mouthed at him. Draco normally avoided any words in conversation that started with letters in the middle of the alphabet such as L for love and M for marriage. So, of course, Ginny never expected to ever hear him utter the K word.

As in the K word in Afrikaans?

"Draco, I come from a large family. Naturally I've thought of having children; not as many as my Mum, of course, but I'd like at least two." Ginny quickly recovered as she kept in mind Draco's usual aversion of any discussion involving marriage. "But it's not something I desperately want," she lied. "I'm content teaching and having you as a lover."

Keep in mind that in this Saga, Mrs Weasley had even more children, as there were two sisters who got killed by Death Eaters shortly before Voldemorts defeat.

Come to think of it, they also haven´t been mentioned since the first fic.

"You like Timmy, don't you?" Draco asked.

"Of course I do," Ginny answered. Suddenly there was concern in her voice. "Draco, please tell me that you're not thinking of trying to take him away from Sam and Ron again."

Even Neil has gotten tired of that already ridicculous plot.

"No! I couldn't do that," Draco replied despondently. "Sam loves him too much. Besides, she's a great mother. Your git of a brother isn't half bad as a surrogate father either. Plus, they've both been first-rate by allowing me to play an ever-increasing part in Timmy's up bringing. I was more thinking of a kid I could be with from the moment he popped out of the oven."

"Have you given any thought as to how old you want to be when you conceive this progeny?" Ginny asked sheepishly.

"That's the tough part," Draco grumbled. "I don't want to wait until I'm an old fart that can't even straddle a broom anymore to teach his kid how to play Quidditch. Yet, I don't want to toss aside my wild youthful years and settle down with one woman too quickly. Maybe I'll be ready when I'm about twenty-five."

Cut for boring, it ends with Draco proposing to her - and this time Neil remembers that her full first name is Ginevra, not Virginia, as she was called in the first two fics.

We get another boring scene with Caitlin and Matt, in which the sudden character assasination Matt begins.

Matt is suddenly evil because he wants Caitlin to wear knickers so others can´t look up her skirt.

Caitlin is not very pleased with this, and thinks about an answer for later.

We then get back to the actual plot of the Saga:

"Can you remember the names of anymore of these Death Eaters?" Salazar Slytherin asked. "They sound like the type of people that would readily support me."

Goyle shook his head. "We were just ending our seventh year when He-Who-Must-Not-Be Named was defeated. Many of his followers were killed in battles preceding his demise."

Goyle saying this. Just look at that dialogue. Slytherin paced the room for a few moments in silence, before speaking again. "You will first personally contact all the living former Death Eaters. I want you to offer them the opportunity to unreservedly join me. They should provide us with a strong nucleus." "What if they refuse?" Crabbe asked anxiously. "That would be extremely unwise of them," Slytherin sighed. "I would certainly prefer if everyone that joined my cause did so of their own free will, but I'm not beyond offering incentives. People often change their minds when faced with the loss of something or someone they feel great affection for.

How considerate of him. "Then we will procure as much information as we can on deceased and imprisoned Death Eaters. Their progeny should be eager to avenge their parents. If not, I will offer them an enticement as well. Thanks to the new Minister of Magic, we should have a sizeable organization assembled before the wizard world is even aware of my reincarnation."

Remember all the talk about the resurrected Salazar Slytherin being way worse than Voldemort?

Look at the dialogue here.

* * * * * Jamie grabbed the books off her bed and hurried out of the seventh year girls' dormitory to join Alex and Amanda, who were already in the common room. As she was about to pass the third year dorm, the door opened and Caitlin slowly emerged.

The way this is written makes it sounds as if Caitlin appeared as a ghostly apparition. "What are you doing!?" Jamie asked, coming to an abrupt halt. "I'm about to give Matt an answer," Caitlin answered, trying to hold back her tears. "No you're not," Jamie barked. "At least not until I know the question." End of Chapter 10

Finally.

All the real stuff this fic is particularly famous for begins in the next chapter.

#Hogwarts Exposed #Hogwarts Overexposed #Hogwarts Exposed sporking #sporking #bad fanfiction #Harry Potter #Hermione Granger #Jamie Zacherley #Caitlin Garrison #Emily Zacherley #Kim Thatcher #Rose Potter #Neil #Percy Weasley #Ron Weasley #Howlers

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yoramkelmer · 3 months

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Gorgeous

Torah ark curtain, Piatra-Neamţ, eastern Romania, 1901

#jewish art #romanian jews #jews in romania #art

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yoramkelmer · 4 months

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Time for another round of pre-partition posters

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yoramkelmer · 4 months

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Sardar Akhtar (1915-1984)

#Sardar Akhtar #Begum Akhtar #Mehboob Khan #Bollywood #Old Bollywood #Vintage Bollywood

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yoramkelmer · 5 months

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Joey Wong, Nina Li Chi and Lau Siu-Ming in A Chinese Ghost Story III (1991)

#Joey Wong #Joey Wang #Nina Li #Nina Li Chi #Lau Siu-Ming #A Chinese Ghost Story 3 #A Chinese Ghost Story #A Chinese Ghost Story III #Tony Ching Siu-Tung #Ching Siu-Tung #Hong Kong Cinema #Wuxia #Witches in film #Witches in movies

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yoramkelmer · 5 months

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Joey Wong in A Chinese Ghost Story II (1990)

#Joey Wong #Joey Wang #A Chinese Ghost Story #A Chinese Ghost Story 2 #A Chinese Ghost Story II #Tsui Hark #Tony Ching Siu-Tung #Ching Siu-Tung #Wuxia #Hong Kong Cinema

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yoramkelmer · 7 months

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Succot in the Scheunenviertel neighbourhood, Berlin, 1933

#Succot #Sukkot #סוכות #jewish holidays #jewish history #Berlin

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yoramkelmer · 7 months

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Hogwarts Overexposed Chapter 9: Death Times Two

Wow, it´s already been two years since the last time I sporked this fic. I had hoped that a friend would make some art for the highligt of the Saga - which is in this chapter - but for various reasons she wasnt able to do it.

Anyways, we are now back.

The last time we left off, the Sues were still locked up, and Emma Wrong succeeded in resurrecting Salazar Slytherin - who I picture to look and talk like Tommy Wiseau, because funny.

The voice didn’t seem to come from any particular direction, but instead had the sensation that it was emanating from everywhere in the dungeon at once. Then, as everyone watched tensely, the thick steam that filled the room slowly drew together and began to take form; a human form, but not really human, more ghost-like.

“I asked, who dared to wake me?” bellowed the ghostly representation of Salazar Slytherin.

“I did, Greatest of the Hogwarts Four,” Emma Wrong answered anxiously.

“And who are you, woman, to wake me, the supreme wizard of all time, from death?” Slytherin roared.

“I am Emma Wrong, Minister of Magic,” she answered, her voice quaking, “and future monarch of the magical world. My loyal followers refer to me as the Great One.”

I doubt that calling yourself "The Great One" wouldnt really look good while you present yourself to a powerful, recently resurrected Dark Lord.

“THE GREAT ONE!” Slytherin screamed. “You have the audacity to refer to yourself as such?”

Told you so.

Slytherin glanced around the dungeon; first observing Wrong’s cowering followers and then the variety of torture apparatus. His eyes finally came to rest on Jamie and the young innocents chained to the wall.

“What year is it?” he questioned. “Has the world become so depraved that it is now common practice to torture naked, defenseless children?”

Like I said in previous chapters, it would have been a way more interesting twist if Salazar Slytherin would have been disgusted by Wrongs actions and not wanting to impose terror o the wizarding world etc.

“It is the year two thousand and five,” Emma responded. “These are not just any children, but rather the innocents whose blood was needed to make your return happen as prophesied.”

“Prophecy? Slytherin questioned. “What prophecy?”

Damien hurriedly produced a copy of the foretelling which he handed to The Great One. Emma in turn held the document out toward Slytherin, not even sure if this ghostly being had the ability to grasp objects.

LOL

A chill filtered through Wrong’s body as Slytherin reached out and removed the rolled parchment from her hand. The room was silent as he scrutinized the document.

Anyway, the prophecy is recited once again. Neil really loves to copy and paste things we all already know.

Slytherin seemed to read and reread the Prophecy several times before he again studied his surroundings, his eyes once more coming to rest on the innocents. “Which of you is my heir?” he queried.

Yeah, the sight of Ghost!Slytherin having to pause several times while reading this is actually funny.

His question was answered by silence.

“Which is my heir!?” he shouted irritably, staring at Emma Wrong.

“The toddler,” she responded, gesturing in Timmy’s direction.

“How dare you treat my heir in such a debasing way!?” Slytherin hollered. “Release the child from those confinements at once.”

“But he and the others must be killed by you in order for you to be returned to your body,” Emma protested.

Yeah, I don´t think this is Emma Wrongs day.

“I gave an order,” Slytherin roared. “I expect my instructions to be carried out immediately. Release that child!”

“Perhaps you forgot who is in charge here,” Emma Wrong suggested. “I am the Great One. It is I who has awakened you from the dead. You will be following my orders and helping me to achieve the greatness I so richly deserve.”

“You are a whimpering, weak, foolish bitch!” Slytherin roared. “I follow no one’s orders, but I will, with pleasure, give you what you richly deserve.”

Slytherin raised his right arm and pointed his hand at The Great One. Without even saying the words, a blast of green light blazed from his finger tips and illuminated the entire room. When the light diminished, Emma Wrong was lying on the cold stone floor of the dungeon. She was dead.

Yeah, and this is the end of Emma Wrong, the Minister of Magic who secretly ran a series of terrorism, abductions, nipple eating and torture, all happening while our main characters were busy living out soap opera scenarios.

As Jamie, Emily and Caitlin observed the scene horror-struck, Wrong’s underlings fell to their knees.

Damien was the first to break the silence. “If it pleases you, Lord Slytherin, I will release your heir from his bindings.”

“That would please me,” Slytherin said, nodding his head.

And Slytherin was pleeeeeeeeased

Jamie watched as Damien approached Timmy, but then her eyes were drawn back to the body of Emma Wrong. Wrong was an evil woman; she was responsible for the deaths of hundreds of innocent people and yet somehow it just didn’t seem right that anyone’s life should end so abruptly, so coldly with no forewarning. A few minutes ago she was the Minister of Magic, respected by the Wizarding World. In her alter ego she was The Great One, feared and loathed. Now with just the wave of a hand, she was nothing but a dead, soulless shell.

It´s already been called out by other sporkers that Emma Wrong was already a soulless shell while she was still alive, especially considering that WE NEVER GOT A SINGLE DESCRIPTION OF WHAT SHE LOOKED LIKE.

We never got that many moments of her as the Minister - it was only for 3 scenes, all of whom were in the first fic - the first time when she arrives at Hogwarts to give a talk about the new Death Eater menace, the second time is her appearing at the Yule Ball after Hermiones abduction, and the third time is her and Damien at the wedding reception, the scene that was supposed to be The Big RevealTM that she was The Great One all along.

Special mention goes to a brief mention in the second fic where she is spotted by Hermione during the custody trial surrounding Timmy.

All the other scenes where she appeared during the second fic and here - until her demise - was just her being the generic moustache twirling villain.

It also doesnt make any sense that Jamie Sue feels sorry for her in the "she was still a human" way because we never actually got to know her beyond that Great One shtik.

Also, one of the reasons why I always pictured her to look like Jeanine Matthews in the Divergent series is because Jeanine Matthews and Emma Wrong both were generic villains with the personality and backstory of a cardboard, and Jeanine Matthews was also quickly forgotten about after being killed and no further explanations or backstories were ever given about her.

Here I should mention that in a few chapters Emma Wrong will be mentioned in a off hand remark where it will be totally forgotten that she was The Great One.

Slytherin gave what almost appeared to be a smile. “Is the baby, the heir of Gryffindor?” he questioned.

Jamie nodded her head apprehensively.

“They shall be returned to their parents,” Slytherin said. “Gryffindor was a noble man. Although we died as enemies, he was once my friend. His lineage deserves to live on.”

How noble.

“Begging your pardon, my Lord,” Hooch interrupted. “She,” Hooch indicated Wrong’s body, LOL “told us that the innocents must all die by your hand for you to return to human form.”

“She was a fool,” Slytherin responded. “She could not even properly interpret a Prophecy.

Oh well. Anyway, Slytherin then explains the rest of the prophecy and then....

“Why would I, the great Lord Slytherin, after being returned from a sleep of over a thousand years, want to walk the earth as a mere mortal man when the Prophecy gives me the occasion to be so much more? I can be immortal and invincible if joined with evil."

Who actually thinks of themselves as evil?

“But you just killed her,” Damien said in a meek voice.

“She was not the personification of evil,” Slytherin said with the hint of a laugh. “She was but a warped and frustrated old hag.” He looked knowingly at Damien. “You, my servant, are the embodiment of pure evil. When you and I are joined, no one will be able to conquer us.”

Damien stared uneasily at the ghostlike figure of Salazar Slytherin. What exactly did he mean by joined? Were they to be some sort of partners in crime, or did he intend to live as a parasite off his body as Voldemort had done with Professor Quirrell?

“Excuse me, your ghostliness,” LOL Emily said. “You said my brother and Timmy would be set free. What about my sisters and I?”

Salazar did not answer, nor did he seem angry at being referred to as his ghostliness. Instead he walked, more floated, over to Emily and placed his hand on her forehead. Emily experienced a pain similar to the brain freeze one gets when eating ice cream too fast.

“You are the Seer,” he said in what gave the impression of being a sad tone. “You’re also in Slytherin house.”

Emily nodded her head.

Then he approached Caitlin and likewise placed his ghostlike hand on her head. “The Healer,” he said. “Not just a healer, but an extremely powerful one, and with telepathic powers no less.” He placed his hand on his chin and shook his head sadly before moving on to Jamie.

Again, why didnt Caitlin use her speshul Sue powers to make any of their captors heads explode?

When he reached her, he paused slightly to glance at Timmy and Ben, and then found himself staring thoughtfully at Jamie. “Forgive me,” he said placing his hand on her forehead. “It has been an extremely long time since I have seen a nude female and you are an extraordinarily beautiful young woman.”

Because even Salazar Slytherin is a perv who needs to gush over the beauty of the Main Sue.

“You’re the Spirit Bright,” he said disappointedly, removing his hand from Jamie’s head and walking away from the girls.

“You are all strong, brilliant, talented witches,” Slytherin declared. “I would prefer to allow you to continue to live and serve me, but unfortunately you are all mentioned as members of the conspiracy that could ultimately cause my defeat.

How inconvenient.

“Therefore, I regret that you must die, but your deaths will not come at my hands,” he said looking at Madame Hooch. “Will you please clean up here?”

Hooch’s eyes lit up as if Christmas had come early. “It will be my pleasure, Great Master.”

I already mentioned this previously, but my G-d, Hogwarts Exposed has truly destroyed Madam Hooch for me - all I ever think about when I read that name is the scene from the first fic where she attacks Hermione an bites off her nipple.

“Now it is time we were joined,” Slytherin’s sprit said as he considered an extremely tense Damien. “I would much prefer my own body, but it is critical that the Prophecy be followed unerringly.”

“Come and stand by me,” he ordered the trembling Damien. “It will be quick and will not hurt. Your spirit and memories will not be destroyed, but rather will be overwhelmed by mine. Through you, I will learn of this new world I have been plunged into. Together your body and my mind will eventually rule this world.”

Damien moved to within touching distance of Slytherin and then waited fearfully for further directions.

“Exhale completely,” Slytherin instructed. “Make every effort to remove all the air from your lungs. Once your lungs are empty, breathe in deeply, through your mouth, trying to admit as much fresh air as possible.”

Crabbe and Goyle watched with foreboding; neither of the bulky followers had the mettle to move or speak. Damien exhaled totally as he had been instructed. It was when he inhaled that it came to pass. The vapor like form of Salazar Slytherin first tapered and then was sucked into Damien’s body as if it were a beverage being drunk through a straw. The final effect was, to a certain extent, the opposite of the Dementor’s kiss. Instead of Damien’s soul being sucked from his body, Slytherin’s spirit was added. What was Damien continued to exist, but was overwhelmed by the spirit of Salazar Slytherin.

Despite all that description and the detail at the end, we never actually see Damien again for the rest of the fic.

From then on, it´s just Salazar Slytherin, no one else.

I guess it´s just Neil forgetting about Damiens existence.

For a short time, there was complete silence, as if Slytherin’s spirit was settling in and becoming adjusted to his new accommodations. Then he spoke, but in his own deep penetrating voice, which was nothing like that of the nerdish Damien. “This body is greatly inferior to my own,” Slytherin muttered disgustedly, “but the mind is beautiful, full of such evil thoughts. The Prophecy was correct. Our union will be unbreakable and our power unmatched.”

Something, however, seemed to be confusing Slytherin as he absorbed all of Damien’s thoughts and memories. “What is a Hermione?” he finally asked to anyone in general. “This mind seems obsessed with the subject.”

Of course.

“She was once a captive here,” Hooch explained. “I believe Damien became rather infatuated with her.”

“Apparently so,” Slytherin said. “I must meet this woman some day, but for now there are more important things to do. Until I establish a loyal following, it is best my return remain a secret. You two,” he indicated Crabbe and Goyle “shall accompany me to my secret chamber. I want you to tell me all you know about the individuals that supported this ‘He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named’ person. These Death Eaters sound like people who would show me allegiance.”

I love how half of Salazars dialogue so far sounds like a clichee-filled parody.

Salazar moved to the shelf containing many of Damien’s torture devices. He removed the thumbscrews and held them in his hand as he muttered, “Portus.” The device glowed blue and seemed to flutter momentarily in Salazar’s hand, then became still. He flung the gadget to Hooch.

“That is a Portkey. It will bring you, but only you, to my side when you have finished here. Be quick about disposing of the young witches, I sense that a rescue effort is nearing.”

I don´t think this portkey will become relevant later on - especially considering the fact that although Salazar Slytherin now is the Main Villain, more screentime will be given to the other villain of this fic, a very dated caricature of a camp gay.

“What about the boys?” Hooch asked.

“Do not hurt them. They can cause me no harm,” he declared. “Leave them for their parents to find, they will be here soon.” With a wave of his arm, Slytherin along with Crabbe and Goyle disappeared.

* * * * * *

Cut for a scene of Hermione and the others flying, and Hermione has established a weak link of contact with Caitlin.

Caitlin and Emily watched nervously as Hooch hustled about the dungeon making preparations. Neither of the girls had ever seen the witch look so happy, yet so frightening at the same time.

Hooch only paused shortly to twirl her moustache.

Jamie had just finished nursing Ben and was now giving nourishment to Timmy, their captors having not fed any of them since breakfast. This description makes it sounds like theyre not held captive in a setting like this. Because of Timmy, Jamie didn’t speak, but both Emily and Caitlin could read the expression on her face.

“Jamie doesn’t think they’ll get here in time,” Emily said despondently. “Neither do I.”

“We can’t give up hope,” Caitlin said encouragingly. But the words were barely out of her mouth when Hooch approached her.

“The Great Lord Slytherin told me to be swift, but it is difficult to hurriedly extricate revenge that I have waited so long to realize. My only regret is that I won’t be present to actually witness the demise of two of you.

“My lovely Caitlin,” Hooch said nastily. “I imagine you expect me to torture you unmercifully. Admittedly, it would give me great pleasure to turn you into a human shish kebab, but it will give me even more pleasure to know that you have died at the hands of your rescuers.”

And again, I need to ask this:

Why Madam Hooch, of all people? Why did Neil decide to use a canon character for this role, rather than making up his own for this, like a new teacher who started teaching at Hogwarts the same year Hermione started teaching?

Some sporkers and commenters on their blogs have theorised that he simply wanted to use a female canon character, but didnt want to use someone like McGonnagle.

Either way, the use of Madam Hooch as a villain is just so utterly bizarre and so funny at the same time.

“Do you see that crossbow?” Hooch asked sadistically. “It is aimed directly for your heart and the arrow it holds has been soaked in a deadly poison. Can you imagine Hermione’s grief when the opening of the dungeon door sets it off? I can only hope that she will be the one to actually open the door.”

Madam Hooch really seems pissed over the fact that Hermione rejected her and didnt like that she bit off one of her nipples.

“But that is only the beginning,” Hooch cackled, as she twirled her moustache. “In your hand you will be holding the rope that will suspend Jamie Zacherley above the Pyramid of Death. When the arrow pierces your heart, your hand will go limp and Miss Zacherley will become four nicely separated pieces.”

This doesnt make any sense....

“What about me?” Emily inquired, not actually knowing what possessed her to ask such a question.

Neil hasnt given his Authors pet anything to say for a while now.

“You, my dear, are what they refer to as a warm up act,” Hooch laughed. “That is why I haven’t secured your sister in her harness yet, nor suspended her above the pyramid. I want both her and Caitlin to have a good view as I first mutilate and then kill you. Their deaths will come so fast that they won’t get to suffer. Through you they can experience how brutal and horrible death can be. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA Have I already mentioned how eeevul I am?”

“I was hoping you didn’t intend to leave me out of all the fun,” Emily said bravely. Her words sounded plucky, but Emily was scared to death.

“You sound so spirited,” Hooch bellowed as she reached for the breast ripper. “We’ll see how brave you sound after I’ve reduced your tits to a proper size. And that’s only for openers. After that we’ll see how long you can survive the pear.”

Again: Why Madam Hooch?!

“Leave her alone,” Jamie pleaded, lying Timmy on the cold floor next to Ben. “She hasn’t done anything to harm you. If you must torture someone, torture me.”

"I`M SELFLESS, DAMMIT!"

“You don’t understand at all, do you?” Hooch cried. “You’re just like Granger. Torturing you wouldn’t have the desired affects. It hurts you more to have someone you love harmed than it does to be tortured yourself. Watch, you’ll soon understand what I mean.”

I love how overdramatic this sounds.

Emily closed her eyes as Hooch approached. She had never been so frightened or felt so helpless in her entire life.

Caitlin’s brain felt like it was about to explode. Strange, considering she has the power to make other peoples heads explode. Her head ached with agony. Normally when she used her healing or telepathic powers, she drifted into trance. Today she had struggled to maintain a contact with Hermione and at the same time remain focused on what was happening around her. "See? She´s not a Mary Sue, this here is one of her flaws!" She felt that if she tried to mentally stop Hooch from hurting Emily she would cause some sort of overload. What if she not only failed, but also passed out in the process? Then not only would Emily be killed, but she would lose contact with the rescuers. She looked desperately toward Jamie.

The Highlight of the entire Hogwarts Exposed Saga is coming up.

It is something that has been foreshadowed a couple of times since the end of the first fic, and it is one of the times where Neil didn´t suck at foreshadowing.

* * * * * *

“Harry, stop! The connection was strongest as we flew over that manor; it seems to be fading slightly now,” Hermione advised.

“Are you sure?” Harry asked in disbelief. “They can’t be there. That manor belongs to Emma Wrong, the Minister of Magic.”

....yet he had some suspicions about her back when Hermione was abducted.

This should confirm it, yet it isnt brought up again.

“All I know is that I felt the strongest link as we flew over that manor,” Hermione said emphatically. “The children are down there.”

“Wands at the ready,” Harry shouted, as he turned and headed for a landing.

“Potter, are you bloody crazy?” Draco called out. “Do you know who owns that manor?”

“I don’t give a damn who owns it; that’s where they’re being held prisoner.”

This makes it sound like he only suddenly wants to go down there because Draco opposes it.

* * * * * *

IT´S COMING

“Stop, don’t you touch her!” Jamie screamed.

But when Hooch turned to sneer at Jamie, instead of a naked girl, she found herself facing a beautiful pure white unicorn. Caitlin had witnessed the almost instant transformation. Jamie was not only now in her Animagus form, but she was also free, the aged leather on her ankle bindings having burst due to pressure of the transformation.

And now comes the following question:

Why didn´t she do this BEFORE Emma Wrong managed to resurrect Salazar Slytherin?

This is just like how Caitlin isnt using her hyperempath powers to save them like the now forgotten about incident in Ford Lauderdale.

Hooch dropped the breast ripper and reached for her wand as the unicorn, Jamie, lowered its head to charge.

“Avada Keda…” Hooch screamed. But before she could complete the curse, the unicorn’s horn had entered her chest and was protruding out of her back.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

This is one of the most funny things to ever come out of any non-parody badfic, and it´s so freudian.

It of course now goes further downhill from here.

And this also where I would have put some art depicting the scene - not even AI can do it properly.

* * * * * *

“Please don’t blast off the door,” Severus begged. “Remember who lives here.”

I doubt canon!Severus would have had any trouble doing this.

“It better ruddy well be unlocked then!” Ron hollered, “I’ve no intention of knocking and waiting for the bloody house elf to answer.”

"Look how British I am!"

Fortunately the door was unlocked and Ron held it open, allowing Harry and Hermione to rush inside first, but as soon as Hermione crossed the threshold, she staggered.

“Are you all right?” Harry asked concernedly. “Nothing has gone amiss has it?”

“No, but this is definitely the place,” Hermione panted, trying to catch her composure. “I’ve been here before. This is where I spent my missing week. It’s all coming back. Follow me! I know the way to the dungeon.”

Now I wonder if she´s then going to forget it all again once they leave the place again.

Hermione ran down the hall. The last time she had done so, she was naked and running the opposite direction in order to save her life. “Down those steps and at the end of the corridor,” she shouted to Ron and Draco, who had overtaken her and Harry.

Ron practically flew down the stairs with Draco right behind them. They were almost at the solid dungeon door before Harry and Hermione reached the bottom of the stairs.

Ron reached out to open the door. “No! Don’t open it!” Hermione screamed, feeling as if a part of her were about to die, as Ron’s hand touched the knob and started to turn it.

It´s been a while since we had some Ron-bashing.

In his eagerness to get to the children, Ron hadn’t heard her, but fortunately Draco had. He grasped Ron’s outstretched hand firmly and prevented him from opening the door. “It’s booby trapped,” he said to Ron, only releasing his grip when Ron acknowledged that he understood.

Yes, we get it, the Suethor hates Ron!

“Thank God,” Hermione sighed as she reached the door. “If we open that door, Caitlin is dead. I have to Apparate in.”

“You mean we,” Harry said firmly.

“You don’t know the layout of the dungeon, I do,” she said even more firmly. “I have to go alone. I’ll be okay. Trust me.”

Hermione didn’t wait for an answer; instead, with a soft pop, she was gone.

Just like an Elf.

Had Hooch or any other dark followers been alive in the dungeon, Harry would now be planning a funeral for his beloved wife. Hermione’s only concern upon Apparating was finding the crossbow and transfiguring its deadly arrow to something harmless.

Rather than just freeing Caitlin and the others.

Once Hermione moved the crossbow so that it no longer pointed at anyone, she gave the all clear for the others to open the door. As they entered, the crossbow was triggered and it’s arrow, now made out of feathers, floated harmlessly to the floor.

This is so dumb.

Cut for a heartfelt conversation between Hermione and Harry where she tells him what she went through, with very long copy paste from the first fic so Neil can make it filled.

“It’s good to be home and sleeping in a real bed again,” Caitlin said as she stretched and wiggled her toes in contentment.

“It’s good just to be alive,” Emily sighed. “I thought we were all as good as dead.”

They don´t really sound all that traumatised from being locked away in a dungeon for weeks and almost starving.

“Didn’t I tell you never to give up?” Caitlin queried. “We have something that will always give us an advantage over the supporters of evil. We have love.”

This is so stupid.

“Yeah we do,” Emily said, feeling extremely fortunate to have been adopted by the Potters after tragically losing her own parents. She cuddled closer to her sister. “Speaking of love, where is Jamie? Is she off doing the dirty deed with Alex?”

“She’s with Alex, but I doubt she’s in a shagging mood,” Caitlin said. “I think right now she just wants to be held. Did you get a good look at her after she transfigured back to herself?”

“Yeah! She looked awful. As evil as Hooch was and as much as the bitch deserved to die, I wish someone else could have done the actually killing. Jamie is just too much like her Animagus form, good and pure. I think she’s having an extremely hard time dealing with the reality that she killed someone.”

It would actually have been interesting if we have had the whole "impaling Hooch" moment from Jamies pov, as she was facing a teacher she has known since her first year who suddenly turned evil and had hurt two people she loved, and how hard it would be even to kill her, the lady who taught her to ride a broomstick and Quidditch, even in self defense and to save her sisters.

“That’s why I can never picture Jamie as an Auror,” Caitlin said. “She has all the other abilities to be great, but she lacks hatred. I know being an Auror doesn’t always involve killing, but there are times when there are no other alternatives. Today she almost waited too long before acting.”

Because Jamie Sue is so pure that she can´t hate. Well, aside from being clothed...

“Emily, are you cold?” Caitlin asked out of the blue. “Would you like me to get us another blanket?”

“I’m fine. What makes you think I’m cold?” Emily asked.

Cut for boring, and a mention goes to that Emily told Madam Pomfrey not to make her enlarged boobs too small, as she doesnt want them the size they were before.

NEIL YOU SICKO!

Cut for another scene of sex talk.

“Not to change the subject, but did you get to talk to Jamie at all this morning?” Harry asked.

“No, she spent the entire night with Alex in the Room of Requirement,” Hermione replied.

Harry gave a devilish grin. “Well, in that case, I imagine everything is all right.”

“No, it’s not,” Hermione said, giving Harry an angry look. “Alex contacted me this morning while you were in Severus’ office. Jamie cried all night. He just held her in his arms and tried to comfort her. She’s having a difficult time dealing with what she did.”

For once, we get someone acting accordingly with trauma.

“She had no choice! Hooch would have mutilated and killed Emily!” Harry said.

“She knows that. She also knows that she had no option but to kill her. That doesn’t make it any easier for her to accept. It’s going to take time, love and patience for her to get over this.”

“Perhaps she should reconsider training for a career as an Auror,” Harry suggested.

“That’s a decision Alex and her have to discuss and make together, but I tend to agree with you. She has the mind and physical ability for the job, but I don’t think she has the penchant.”

As Hermione and Harry talked, the owls arrived with the daily mail. As Hermione slipped a coin in the owl’s bag, Harry grabbed the newspaper and began to read the headline.

SELF-PROFESSED GREAT ONE KILLED. HEROIC MINISTER OF MAGIC OF MAGIC DIES DURING RESCUE OF INNOCENT CHILDREN The magical world may never know the full account of what transpired last evening, but we can once again rest at ease knowing that a dark force bent on world domination has been defeated. Sadly this defeat came at the needless loss of our beloved Minister of Magic, Emma Wrong.

This is going to be one of the last mentions of Emma Wrong for the entire series.

What we do know is that on Friday, August 19, 2005 a kidnapping apparently took place at the residence of Ronald and Samantha Weasley, Hogsmeade. Reported as missing were: Timothy Weasley, age four; Benjamin Potter, age two months; Emily Zacherley-Potter, age 12; Caitlin Potter, age 13 and Jamie Zacherley, age 17.

Caitlin should already be 14 now, considering that she´s 15 the next fic.

Though then again, NO ONE EVER HAS A BIRTHDAY HERE.

All Ministry attempts to quickly locate these children were stalled by the lack of cooperation from their parents. Harry Potter, Hermione Granger and Ronald Weasley, having evidently allowed their previous success against He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named go to their heads; decided that professional assistance was not needed. The experienced staff of Aurors at the Ministry of Magic was informed that their help was not necessary or even desired.

Had the Aurors been fully involved from the onset, this matter would most likely have been solved in days and undoubtedly without the lamentable loss of Minister Wrong’s life.

When the rag tag team of self-proclaimed detectives finally located the missing children last evening, they discovered that our brave Minister had arrived on the scene before them. Aurors conducting an investigation feel that Minister Wrong died while dueling the Great One in order to save the children from certain death. The Great One has been identified as Madam Hooch, a former teacher at Hogwarts who served a brief sentence in Azkaban for a minor offense.

I didnt know sexual abuse was a minor offense....

The Vice Minister, who has assumed the position of Minister of Magic until such time as a special election is held, asks that the magical community not take out its anger over the death of our beloved Minister on Weasley, Granger or Potter. “We all make tragic mistakes at times during our lives,” Minister Percy Weasley said. “We must forgive their blunder, but at the same time resolve that we, as good citizens of the magical world, will not allow ourselves to be misdirected by imprudent people such as these.”

Hermione had been reading the article along with Harry. When finished, they both stared at each other, for a short time speechless.

“What the hell is that all about!?” Harry shouted more loudly than necessary.

The Suethor is trying to recicle the canon-plot with Fudge into this.

“I’ve heard of a newspaper screwing up details of an account, but that story was pure fabrication. Who told them that Hooch was the Great One? And there isn’t a word about Salazar Slytherin,” Hermione declared.

“Talk about losing your appetite,” Harry said, shaking his head in frustration. “I have to contact our new Minister and find out if he’s fallen off his trolley.”

“Do you want me to go with you?” Hermione asked.

“No!” Harry said. “My yelling would probably wake Ben. Besides you don’t like when I swear and I anticipate doing a lot of swearing.

* * * * * *

Anyway, Harry then confronts Percy:

“My daughters were not hallucinating,” Harry affirmed. “Jamie isn’t a child. She gave the same account.”

“I’ve been informed that Miss Zacherley was extremely delusional and distraught,” Percy added. “The first Aurors on the scene state that she was wondering around totally nude, covered with blood and mumbling something about committing murder. How can you possibly consider her a steadfast witness?”

“How do you explain the blood on her?” Harry snapped back. “Jamie is a unicorn Animagus. She gorged Hooch on her horn to prevent the bitch from torturing and mutilating Emily.”

“And after that, did the pink elephants do a dance?” Percy asked sarcastically.

This is so ridicculous and contrived, even for Neils standards.

Harry’s face turned red with anger. “I don’t care if you are the Minister of Magic, Percy. You’re still an arse. You always have been and you always will be. Bring your fucking, good for nothing arse here to Hogwarts and Jamie will demonstrate her abilities for you.”

“I don’t care if Zacherley can turn into all seven dwarfs simultaneously,” Percy said arrogantly. “You and your brood are not going to besmirch Emma Wrong’s good name. She was the only one that stood by me after the Fudge debacle. It’s because of her that I’m where I am today.”

“Now the truth comes out,” Harry bellowed. “You don’t care two Knuts about Wrong’s good name. Percy Weasley is all you’re concerned about. If the truth comes out about her being The Great One, her assistant won’t last a week as Minister of Magic.”

This is so stupid.

“She was not the Great One,” Percy screamed.

How am I supposed to take this serious?

“Then explain the dungeon and why the children were being held prisoner in her manor.”

Percy sighed. “It’s possible that Hooch might have had her under the Imperius Curse the last few weeks. We have no way of being sure.”

“Then Hooch must have been one hell of a witch,” Harry declared. “When Hermione entered the manor, the memories of her missing week returned to her. She was held captive in that very dungeon. If my memory is correct, Hooch was in Azkaban at that time. Was she controlling Wrong by owl?”

Percy then accuses Harry of starting a panic regarding Salazar Slytherins resurrection, this is all to show how Neil is retconning new canon from the time into his canon, while simultaneously still holding on to events from the fanfictions he had taken his original canon from.

Ron is ashamed of having Percy as a brother and thinks that the Order of the Phoenix should hold a meeting.

We are now approaching what most of the fic will be about:

When Emily entered the Great Hall for dinner, Kim at her side, she was surprised to find it decorated similar to how it had been at the Leaving Feast. The only difference was that instead of being decorated in just the winning House’s colors, it was decorated with banners of both Gryffindor and Slytherin Houses.

Why?

Emily had barely taken her seat when Professor Snape stood up at the staff table.

“Although we just enjoyed the Welcoming Feast a few days ago,” he said, looking around at them all, “I felt the occasion warranted another celebration.” He paused briefly.

“The occasion I refer to is, of course, the safe return of three of our number,” the Headmaster said. “I would like you all, please, to stand, and raise your glasses, to Jamie Zacherley, Emily Zacherley-Potter and Caitlin Potter.”

Ah, thats why.

The benches scraped as everyone in the Hall stood. Even Dick Bancroft reluctantly got to his feet; he did so more to avoid attracting attention to himself than to salute the girls.

Funny, considering he has the hots for Jamie.

Once everyone was again seated, Snape continued. “I’m sure many of you have read the account of what took place, printed in the Daily Prophet. Most of that article was a cock-and-bull story. It was laden with lies, misdirection and missing vital information. Sadly, the Ministry of Magic does not want you to know the truth. Possibly some of your parents will be angered by what I am about to tell you.”

Even Dumbledore was may more subtle when it came to him bashing the Ministry.

“I was there. I believe, as did my predecessor, that the truth is generally preferable to lies. The only truth in the Prophet piece of writing was that these three girls along with Benjamin Potter and Timothy Weasley were kidnapped. The help of Ministry Aurors was never refused; I myself contacted the Ministry and gave them every detail of the situation.

“What is truly disturbing is that the Ministry has chosen to alter facts and hide information from our world for political reasons. Minister Wrong did not die trying to save the kidnap victims. In reality it was at her instructions that the abductions took place. Minister Wrong was in fact, The Great One; the authorities were told this by four witnesses, yet the Ministry is trying to save face and claim that Madam Hooch was the mastermind behind all this terrorism.”

Snape looked from table to table before continuing. “But what is worse is that the Ministry has decided to stick its head in the sand like an ostrich and pretend that a most serious threat to our world does not exist. The innocents were kidnapped by Emma Wrong in order to fulfill a prophecy and restore Salazar Slytherin to life. She was successful; it was Salazar Slytherin, himself, who killed her.”

DUN DUNN DUUNNNNNNN

Students looked at their friends. Every face in the Hall appeared stunned and frightened.

“I fear we are all facing dark and difficult times, perhaps even worse than when Lord Voldemort was at his height of power,” This is never shown. Snape proclaimed. Without further word, he clapped his hands. In an instant, the hangings for Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw joined those of Gryffindor and Slytherin.

“It is at times like these that we must forget our petty House differences and unite against a mutual enemy. As Albus Dumbledore once said, we are only as strong as we are united, as weak as we are divided.”

And now we get to the real biscuits:

“It is because of our need to unite and work together, that I have decided to forge ahead with our plans to compete against our American cousins.” Snape paused to take a drink of pumpkin juice. Just like Salazar needed to pause from reading the prophecy. “Teams from America competed against each other this summer to determine which school would represent the States against us. The winning team from The Salem Witches’ Institute will be arriving on Halloween. That evening, we will select our team”

Ah, back when many still thought that The Salem Witches´ Institute was a school until Rowling refuted that.

Also, this means that this fic will get American Sues!

Not to mention...isnt it interesting that Kim got a new love interest on the cruise who just happened to be American?

Randy leaned over and whispered to Matt. “The tournament is as good as won. Hogwarts can easily beat a team composed of only girls.”

Randy is a character who will be more forgotten about as the fic goes on.

“Is that so,” Caitlin flared, defensively. “Are you saying girls aren’t as good in competition as boys?”

“Nothing personal,” Randy said apologetically.

“Besides,” Caitlin added. “SWI has been co-ed since the nineteen fifties. They just keep the name for traditional reasons.”

FORESHADOWING

“This competition will be very different from the Tri-Wizard Tournament held here over ten years ago,” Snape said. “Firstly, it is a team, rather than an individual event. Secondly, the contests will involve mental and physical challenges as well as the use of magical abilities. In some events, the use of magic will actually be strictly forbidden.

....BUT WHY

“The Goblet of Fire will be picking the Hogwarts contenders, but will be following prearranged rules. The team will be composed of six individuals, three boys and three girls. Each house will have at least one representative on the team and for obvious reasons, first years will not be allowed to participate.”

This pronouncement was followed by moans from the first years.

“Now, let’s be reasonable,” Professor Snape said, shaking his head. “As first years, most of you haven’t even learned to do a proper ‘swish and flick’ yet. However, if any of you get the notion to submit your name anyway, you should be warned. Before presenting me with the names of our team members, the Goblet will spit out any names of first years submitted. Mr. Filch will be standing by with a list of detention tasks to be assigned to those individuals. Now, I’ve rambled on way too long. Tuck in.”

So, as you see, the rest of the fic will focus more on this tournament than on the rise of Salazar. And of course, several soap opera scenarios.

End of Chapter Nine

Finally.

I forgot how long this chapter was.

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