5 hours sleep and sick kids

Today's been tough! Working with my soon to be new boss. Spent most of the afternoon just the 2 of us. I'm starting to really obsess about some of the things I said to her. Especially when my mind just went into panic when my hubby who was coming to meet me with the kids rang me to say youngest had been sick in the car. I suddenly panicked and didn't want sick on my dress for some reason. I suddenly got it in to my head that it was dry clean only. Which it isn't and I've washed it before. But now I'm thinking what if my new boss thinks I don't wash my clothes. She must think I'm really dirty. Pretty stupid when I think about it but but doesn't stop me wanting to message her on Monday and explain and let's face it she'll have forgotten about it by then and I'd just make things worse. Part 2 of crappy anxiety stuff. Once I'd met my family in the car full of sick we whizzed off to the nearest supermarket to get the little man cleaned up. We bumped into someone from my daughter's class. Definitely busted now. I'm trying to shake off the need to message her on Facebook and apologise for not saying goodbye properly as I was shopping for new clothes to change my vomit covered son into. I hate my head sometimes. And finally just to top it all off my nephew is wondering when I'm going to find time to meet my great neice. Not his daughter I hasten to add. He's just become an uncle and thinks that makes him the boss. Guilt trip city. Hopefully the lack of sleep and the strenuous cleaning up of sick will help me get to sleep because my brain is doing a fine merry go round.

Just to remember the happy bits too. Love the lyrics of this song xxx

I hope that works.

This!

This is what I feel most days. Not much today but most days!

Today

As you can see from the lack of mind dumping posts today it's been an OK day so far. Yesterday afternoon I did a bit of decopatch and although it didn't seem to immediately relieve the anxiety, I really got snappy with the hubby, I felt much better today. More comfortable being me. Nothings changed there's no reason to it. It's just a good day and I need to take advantage of it. Xx

Why is it when you're trying to avoid people everyone you know is out and about?

And so it continues

Just dropped youngest at preschool and I feel all jittery round the other mums. Actually shaking. One talks to me on the way out and I manage to hold a conversation. Avoiding the usual pitfalls don't attempt children's names unless you hear them from a reliable source first. The mortification from getting a name wrong is too hard to bear. Then she went one way as I went the other. I then realised I was going the same way as some other mums and just claimed up so let them go in front of me.

This is what I built by myself and I think I deserve a medal! #anxiety #flatpackqueen

I’ve made a cake for each birthday. They’re not the best but I give it a go.

#birthdays #homemade #cake #anxiety

The last week

Right so this morning has been a particularly challenging morning. There’s many reasons for this. I’ll list them and then flesh them out a bit. Firstly, it’s back to school after half term, secondly, it was my daughter’s 8th birthday yesterday, third, I became a great aunt yesterday, and fourth, things that are still lingering from half term week.

I think the first one is easiest to explain to anyone whether they’ve had anxiety or not. Admittedly I’m perhaps too old for first day back to school nerves but they’re still there. Weirdly it wasn’t even my daughter’s first day back. That was yesterday, but it was my first morning dropping her off and I always feel the pressure. The pressure of her having everything she needs, the pressure of getting her there in time, clean and presentable. Then there’s the worry of who will be there. Who will I be able to talk to. Well, as it turned out this morning, just as we were getting ready to leave I realised my daughter needed her hair up for swimming. Once we got out of the house we realised we had forgotten a book so had to go back. Once we got to school my 4 year old son ran off so I had to find him and tell him off and whilst I was doing that the whistle blew! So all in all not bad. I got my daughter to school presentable, with everything she needed and I didn’t have time to talk to anyone but she wasn’t late. I call that a success. I’ll try and ignore the fact that my son’s face is covered in chocolate spread from breakfast. Oops!

So second point. My daughter’s 8th birthday. This should obviously be a happy time but I feel the pressure to get it right! She had a party on Saturday so most of the excitement was had then which was hard work and anxiety ridden as it was. Then yesterday she was at school, so took some flapjack mini bites to share with her class. Her dad’s idea. Not the usual thing for people to take to school for birthday’s. It’s usually sweets like haribo etc. Then, because she had had lots of lego for her birthday party, she had wanted to build it with her friends, we hadn’t got loads of presents for her to open yesterday either. As per usual my daughter took it all in her stride and her class mates seemed to just enjoy getting a treat. Becky loved her presents she had and she’s never been one to moan that she hadn’t got loads. That was yesterday though so why am I still worrying about it today? Because today Becky has to go to school and tell everyone all about her birthday and I don’t want her to have her friends think she didn’t have a good birthday.

Thirdly, I am now a great aunt! A very strange situation as I’m only 35 but my sister is 10 years older than me and I was an aunt before I left primary school so we’ve always had a strange family dynamic. I’m thrilled to be a great aunt and I’m really pleased for my nephew and his girlfriend. They’ve got a lovely little baby girl. What’s eating at me is whether I congratulated enough etc yesterday. Me and my nephew had a lovely private chat on Facebook messenger and that seemed enough to me but then you go on Facebook and there’s tons and tons of congratulations messages and I thought I’ve already congratulated the couple so I don’t need to write anything on there. I always worry I’ll put the wrong thing. However, this morning I’m worried that I should have put something on my sister’s or my brother in law’s wall. I could do it now but would they wonder why it’s taken me 24 hours. So I won’t do anything because to me that’s safer but it eats away at me. I will get them a card. That seems more personal anyway.

Now lastly the lingering stuff from last week. So not only did I have to organise a birthday party, make a birthday cake, muffins and chocolate rice crispy squares. I also almost single handedly put together my daughter’s new high sleeper ikea bed. I also took the old bed down and packed the rubbish in the bedroom into boxes. The kids also had a play date and we had to go shopping for new shoes and party food. To me this is a lot to pack into 6 days but I did it all and I literally feel like I deserve a medal. Obviously I know I’m not going to get a medal but some appreciation and acknowledgement of my hard work wouldn’t go a miss. I know kids are rubbish with this but I do have a husband who could step up. Sigh.

#anxiety #firstdaystress #playgroundrules #parenting #greataunt #flatpackqueen

Where to start?

If you have ever suffered or had anxiety you’ll know that there are times that you just want to scream out that actually you’re not fine thanks for asking but then you know that that’s not what is expected from you and if you did tell the truth the ensuing questions would just be too mortifying to answer.

Hence this blog. This is somewhere I can dump all the internal voices and not have to worry about friends and family getting upset. Although they probably wouldn’t but that’s anxiety isn’t it, always worrying about what people will say.

So a small admin point. If anyone posts anything hurtful on the comments on here I will get rid without response. I don’t need negativity. I create enough of that myself. I ask you to consider carefully your comments to someone who has already confessed that they worry about things too much! Sorry I will get used to calling it what it is. Carefully consider the impact of your comments on someone with anxiety.

Thank you

#anxiety #beginnings #conflicted