do you think xiao - who have only known how to fulfill orders and fight demons like his life depends on it; and who has never experienced true unconditional love before - sometimes starts to think he needs to do something, put in some work, so he can feel that he deserves to be loved by lumine?

of course, it's not that he thinks she won't love him unless he proves his worth. she's the softest person he knows. her heart seems to be made out of pure gold - so similar to shade of her eyes, gleaming in the sun in the most mesmerizing way. she would never think so. he's more than sure of that.

it's just... xiao can't describe it well; how that odd emotion digs its way into his flesh. how it makes his skin crawl at the thought that she deserves more and he needs to erase that distance that he thinks exists between them. he can feel the urge to run to her. close the distance. he has to do it. quickly. desperately.

his thoughts are scattered all across the place. his fingertips itch. his heart beats furiously in his chest as if it, too, yearns to fly to a faraway land he's never been to and fall right into lumine's arms. right where his home is.

if xiao clears out another monster camp, will lumine come back sooner? or will the time pass more quickly, at least? maybe she'll start to call out his name when she's fighting so he can help her out, then... she didn't do it in a while now. his chest heavies at the mere thought of her absence.

putting his blood, sweat and tears into protecting people of liyue isn't going to make him feel worthy of her love. he knows it deep down inside even if his mind tries to tell him otherwise.

but if he doesn't do it... will his love and his imperfect self be enough to make her stay with him forever?

xiao doesn't know why but he thinks when it's lumine, it might be true. he hopes it will be.

i think it's amazing that i put my heart into writing and people read it and like it, and i feel that (my fics meaning a lot to people means soooo much to me, really) and i put that love i received into the next thing i create.

to love is to return... so i will always come back with my writing to give you back the love you gave me. the world might be a cruel place full of hate but there's still love that keeps us going ♡

people telling you they reread your fic is the biggest compliment you could ever receive. there are thousands of stories out there begging to be found, to be explored, but your story meant so much to someone that they came back to it eagerly, they went over every word again. to love is to return and loving a fic is rereading it. thank you to all readers and rereaders <3333

this is me, again, posting a new xiaolumi fic as a small gift for xiao's birthday. i hope you will enjoy it!!! 🙏💕

touch (and love) starved lumine who wishes she can meet someone - anyone, really - who can quell the pain that builds up inside her chest. and then, she meets xiao and suddenly, her yearning isn't nameless anymore. not when every beat of her heart sounds oddly similar to his name.

when lumine hopes that someone's arms can wrap around her waist when she sleeps, the one she pictures in her mind is xiao. seeing a couple on a date makes her realize how badly she wants to hold his hand. to feel his touch, skin against skin. his breath mixed with hers. his gaze focused solely on her as her name slips out of his mouth, and his voice is so tender, so fond, that lumine doesn't know what to do with all the longing for any semblance of him she tried to bury deep inside her heart for so long. his lips look so soft... how it would be to touch them? to feel them against her own?

lumine thinks she's going to lose her mind any given second.

emotions claw their way into her throat, fingertips itching. it's hard to act like everything's perfectly fine when it's not. this hunger is too big for her body - is it ripping out of her already, unbeknowst to her? can he see how badly she needs him? - and xiao is so, so achingly close...

the way he looks at her is enough to send shivers down her spine and staying close to him - breathing him in, slowly and deeply - causes her head to spin.

still, it's not enough. she still wants more. she wants him in a way that feeds that odd hunger for his love that etched its way onto her veins. although vivid daydreams about what she truly wants happen quite often to lumine, anything is fine for her. as long as it's xiao. as long as she's the only reason behind the want that simmers deep inside him, even if it's only for a fleeting moment.

'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger' except xiao doesn't feel like anything he went through - that endless agony and suffering that sill haunts him in the middle of the night when he closes his eyes - made him any stronger. if anything, it made him wrecked. broken. tainted with blood and pain that he doesn't seem to be able to erase.

as he's panting heavily after defeating monsters full of bad karmic energy, he can feel it, almost. that disgusting sensation etching its way deep into his bones - so deep that he slowly starts to think it's impossible to erase it. to erase all the ugliness of this pain and karma and his own past actions from the depths of his shattering heart.

darkness only sinks in, deeper and deeper. wrapping around his heart, choking his throat until he can't breathe, can't think about anything other than how much easier it would be to be erased from this world. or better, die while protecting mortals. this way, he will fulfill his oath but also erase another dangerous being full of karma from the world - himself.

lumine is nothing like him, he thinks.

after losing everything - her wings, her only family - she held closely to her heart, and going through all the pain this world has to offer, she still hopes. her eyes gleam when she helps people, the corners of her lips curl upwards at the sight of pretty sunsets. she skips a few steps when she's excited and she acts like happy small bunny who is happy to explore the world and it's mysteries (recklessly, sometimes. or at least xiao thinks she is a bit foolish - in an endearing way but still, it makes him a bit worried sometimes. it makes him want to be better so he can stay by her side and fiercely protect her heart with all his might as it was more his than his own.).

in the pale moonlight, in xiao's eyes–in the spaces bettwen his racing heartbeat and trembling exhales, she looks almost like the personification of love herself.

....how can she be so soft despite it all?

xiao knows he shouldn't dare to get closer to her, to long for any semblance of her light and presence around him... to yearn for her love, for her... he isn't sure whether he deserves it, anyway... the closure he's able to offer her might hurt her in the end, he's all too aware of that possibility and it's scaring him - just like the want for her does... lumine deserves better than to deal with someone who's more akin to a monster than to human, so unlike her...

and yet, his heart lingers there; with a girl as gentle as the moonlight and as radiant as the sunlight, whose heart is pure gold and her smile lights up his world just a little bit and makes him wish he, too, could be soft. just like her love is.

my new xiaolumi fic is now on ao3! this one doesn't have yearning in it (i'm lying) and it is nsfw so please have that in mind before reading but !!! i hope you will enjoy it ^^

ayato's last birthday letter was talking about him sticking to the plans. he went to the banquet and planned other elegant activities for him and lumine to enjoy. but today he's talking about how much he wishes to avoid all of the celebrations - he calls them stuffy and tedious, even... it kind of makes me think about how he was used to live in this golden cage of his life (because it looks like he has everything and that he has everything figured out but if you look a little deeper you see how much pain lies beneath all his successes, well-made almost mastermind-like plans and those sly winning smirks) but now it's slowly becoming too much of a pain to bear; and i think he's a bit lost when it comes to choose what he should do and what he truly wants. in this essay i will–

a new fic - this time about jinshi and maomao 😶‍🌫️ please enioy!

a new chapter of my xiaolumi fic is now posted on ao3!!

it's my first time posting about it here and it's been a while since i posted the last chapter so in case you don't know: this fic is a mix of fake dating and best friends to lovers, anddddd xiao is a - little bit messy but so attractive and (unintentionally) romantic - musician and lumine is a pining girl in love– it's crazy but i think ppl like it so i really hope you enjoy it as well!! 😶‍🌫️❤️‍🩹

i think about it often - why do i keep writing? why am i not giving up even though sometimes i really have to put my blood sweat and tears into creating art?

it's insane; that i cannot imagine myself not being a writer at all. an urge to create knitted itself to my veins and i can't find it in myself to fight it, i can't stop wanting to write and write and write—and spill out my feelings and thoughts onto a blank page. i can't stop myself from coming up with new ideas because somehow, it's as easy as breathing for me.

and... i love it. i love putting pieces of myself into what i create and knowing that this version of me will forever exist there, scattered across the lines of my works. i love the knowledge that my words can move people's hearts and make them feel something. i love that i can make someone's day a little bit better, brighter. i love art, being surrounded by it and creating it - life is prettier and happier because of it 😶‍🌫️❤️‍🩹

writeblr!! tell us, what keeps you from giving up on your work?

i posted a new xiaolumi fic on ao3 yesterday - it's a part of Moonlit Dream event (you can check it out on my twitter @ luminyas, a lot of amazing artists took post their fanarts and fanfics every hour today, it's such an honor to be one of them🫣)! it's a sweet little fluff but i hope you will enjoy it anyway💕

i might have said it a million times before but i think every time lumine is not in liyue, xiao starts to think she's haunting him. but not in a i'm going to show up in your nightmares and be that annoying little voice in the back of your head kind of way - it's less threatening even though he's dizzy, feeling as if his heart is going to rip its way out of his chest.

because when lumine is not by his side, she's still everything. she's everywhere, intangible. knitted into his heart, wrapped in his soul. and while it's so unnatural to be without her, it is so, so easy to feel her presence in the air he breathes and see a small pieces of her in every single thing around him.

xiao slowly starts to wonder if he's not going crazy because how it is even possible that everything reminds him of lumine?

sunny city street is lined with tender memories of the time when she held his hand for the first time - just because she thought he might be a little bit stressed. it wasn't a complete truth but he didn't push her away when her fingers slipped between his and she squeezed his palm in her own, smaller one. anything golden and shiny reminds him of her, too. like the stars, the sun, the crystalflies that glow once the light hits them. xiao finds himself being mesmerized by it but he knows all too well that if lumine was here with him, his eyes would focus solely on her.

subconsciously, he thinks about her when he hears someone laughing (he likes the way she smiles), eats a plate of almond tofu (she always made it for him (also... sometimes, he wonders if she wouldn't taste sweeter than the dessert. he thinks the idea will be the death of him)) and walks by the sea shore (she loves the sound of waves).

when xiao closes his eyes deep in the night, he sees lumine. no matter if he's dreaming or it's all just in his head, she's there. if he tried to run away, it'd be pointless. she still would be there, no matter what nation she'd be staying in at that time. she's always there; like she's a part of his life–of him, like their souls cannot be separated from each other... and neither can them.

so when she's away, he yearns and falls in love with her a bit more each night. it's inevitable for him. she's his inevitable.

just thought about lumine saying something like "who cares about peeling oranges? (i want to bare your heart and see the darkest parts of your soul. i want to unravel the bits of yourself, one by one, and strip away all of the facades you've been hiding behind all those years.) i want to see you, xiao. the most honest and raw version of you, no matter how ugly and wretched you think it is. and i want you to let me love you." to xiao

xiao's camera roll would be probably a bunch of photos of lumine taken in very random situations when she wasn't looking and he keeps them just so he can remember her happiness and the tenderness of the quiet moments they've spent together in love and cherish it for eternity.

i bet he has a picture of a leaf that's fallen on top of her head during one of their autumn walks - he probably keeps that leaf as well and now its golden hue reminds him of her. there's another picture of lumine searching for some sea shells on the beach; she's crouching, her head down and hands digging in the sand. he kind of regrets not taking video of that moment - the way lumine was pouting about how mean the sea is to her today was oddly adorable. and then, when she turned around to look up at him with that fond gleam in her eyes and a soft smile tugging at the corner of her lips and–

oh.

frozen in the place, he's unable to move. even if he doesn't have any recordings of that moment, though, it will be always engraved in his memory and that's all that matters.

plus, once again, xiao has a lot of other photos of lumine.

a few selfies with her - a blurry picture of her hand in his, fingers locked. a cute candid of lumine playing with a cat. her puffed out cheek. a photo of xiao patting her head. two hearts she carved into the snow. her eye smile. lipstick stains she left on the curve of his jaw.

my first xiaolumi fic of the year is posted now on ao3! it reminds me a bit of those classic christmas/new year romcom movies that make your heart ache in the best way possible so if you want to experience that kind of feeling from a fanfic, feel free to read it. i hope you'll enjoy it~

it's not new year in my country yet but !!! i really wanted to say thank you to everyone~ ♡ for reading what i write, for every word/emoji you commented and kudos you left to express that you liked it, for brainrotting with me; and simply for sticking with me.

tbh when i started to share my fics online i didn't expect so many people to read them and enjoy them as much as you do. it makes me really happy! internet spaces are full of hate and the world can be a cruel place, so every day i'm grateful i entered xlmi community and that i receive nothing but love from you guys. it's my first year on tumblr and beginnings always weight a bit on people's hearts and make them tremble with nervousness (or maybe i'm just that kind of person - i'm a writer, after all) but i'm grateful i came here and could hang out with all of you.

i hope i will write a lot of great fics in the future and that you will be here to enjoy them together with me, that they will make you smile and giggle and your heart will flutter. i wish 2024 brings you happiness and love you deserve🫶 thank you&love you🫣❤️