fun date-y day with my partner this weekend. we found a cool shirt dress and a bunch of really beautiful things at an antique mall :] I am really enjoying coords with a blonde wig,, since 90 percent of my wardrobe is black ;>_< my partners outfit (right) was so awesome

headress collection to lay my new babies on.. very happy to acquire them. i plan on buying an antique wall shelf and maybe putting it over our bed so i can build a lady oscar shrine ? just an idea for now..

In 2004 I obsessively saved all these pictures of BJDs. I have no idea where they're from, or honestly what sculpts they even are? Although I would assume a bunch of them are Volks SD because I think that was mostly your only option back then. BJDs in that era were the driving force behind me getting into Lolita fashion. First I wore bad Hot Topic/thrifted stuff, then I hyper focused on getting dolls and dressing them up, then I learned that brand wasn't as small as I thought it was and I could just buy "authentic" Lolita dresses for myself.

angel doll

milky ange

2000s lolita brand stores from glb vol. 13

some pics of a casual coord im really liking o.O

i really miss my boyfriend. i love him a bunch and i miss being with him and i feel a little bit like maybe i havent been as good of a partner as i should be lately. its hard but im having a lot of immature feelings fester up in me when im alone. its hard to change or grow out of old habits when i dont think i allowed myself to be in a position to. i want to live together already because i think these feelings will be less prevelent but its hard because i dont know why im even getting some of these in the first place. i miss him a lot and im so excited to get to be with him all the time. i dont know why i have to be so scared and needy all the time. sometimes i think maybe its in my nature to be a really needy and insecure person but i cant help but worry that it will get really hard to be around me and i dont know how to fix it. i feel a little scared lately and i wish it would just go away. i really miss him.

first image isnt egl but i felt very pretty and cool. trying to ease into being more lenient with myself on styling and stuff- i want it to be fun for me. i have a really strong urge to indulge in things i love lately- i cant wait for my boyfriend to live with me so we can do that together which will be very very soon... second image are some bloomers by Wirehead :>

small details in some lazy coords lately. i really like all my pieces atm i hope i feel good in them soon.

vent incomiiiing

TW: general moping and neediness fear weird feelings

ive been feeling super terrible still. i dont know what to do because it feels still like its growing. things keep gettig harder and i keep feeling more and more isolatef and alone. i dont know how to fix what im feeling and it feels like nothing is enough because i keep feeling this scared loneliness growing and these feelings of wanting to do some not so great things. i have been feeling like a massive failure in many areas of my life andlike i keep taking 50 steps back. the more that things happen and i feel things again the more i realizr i havent changed at all and that is provably why things will akways feel this way for me? i havent grown at all or changed i am still exactly the same as befor ebecaudr instesd of trying ti change i isolated myself until just now. my connevtions with people are still basically non existant but now when i do find myself having feelings thay i did beflre i realizr thay its because i completely shut myself off from the oppirtunity ti change. i feel ugly and terrible physicallyb and emotionally and im not sure what the right stepa for me to take are anymore. im scared that if these things continue i wont be able to fix it or help mysekf and i will judt be stuck inna loop of being this way foreverr. im tired and insecure abd i iust really hope things start feeling better soon

some recent purchases that have made me happy and made me not so happy o.O rocking horse shoes are amazing. cutsew is cute but ill fitting which is my mistake.

TW: MENTIONS OF WEIGHT SELF IMAGE ETC.

lately ive been extremely insecure and upset both in and out of lolita. at first for a while i was feeling so much better physically when i started wearing egl. i felt confident and cool and although ive always thought of myself an ugly duckling i genuinely felt good and pretty despite whatever else was going on when i was wearing lolita. i dont know what happened but lately it seems like its having maybe an opposite effect on me- although im sure its not the fashion itself. i feel extremely upset every time i dress up now because i find these feelinfs of hating my body and hating how i look in everything coming up again. i dont understand why everyone around me looks amazing. for a moment i thought well that sucks but its just because im a little bigger than standard sizing for a lot of these dresses,, but i find myself seeing other lolitas who are plus sized or just generally outside of standard japanese sizing and they look amazing. i dont know why its just me. ive always struggled with my self image. my body and my face my skin, ive never liked any of it but i made peace eventually that its mine and its all i have and for the moment i was okay genuinely !! i dont understand what changed i dont know if its my eating habits or just hormonal or what or if it has nothing to do with weight or size but i fear that its just worn off and im just feeling really defeated in how ugly i feel all the time. wearing lolita gave me my first "i feel pretty" experience and its just gone now? i feel terribly ugly in everything i wear and its breaking my heart and i cant help but fall into terrible habits that i worked really hard to break. feeling very defeated but hopefully it will pass soon.

feeling really defeated in a lot of ways right now. pretty skirt fills the weeeird hole momentarily. beautiful bodyline skirt i got recently as i got back from vacation with ny partner. im not sure if its just a sort of withdrawal from being with him for a whole week- but now hes gone and it feels like things are really dark. im not finding as much comfort in my pieces as i did seemingly days ago. i dont really know whats so wrong but i feel really hopeless and stuck and like things are sort of going backwards for me. i dont like feeling like this because it first presents itself as something trivial like not liking how my blouse fits me suddenly,, then i just sorta start to realize i dont like anything around me and everything feels weird and misplaced. i hope things can go back soon because im finding it very hard to not hurt a bunch. Sorry for vent but this is my diary.

some photos of me and my partner from our vacation which just ended. im very sad to say bye to him even if its just for a little. its very painful being without him but soon we wont have to seperate again. i really enjoy getting to dress up with each other and share everything. we were gothic vampires for halloween ^_^

finally wearing my tartan scallop heheh. im really sad about the post possibly losing my package but im going to hopefully hunt it down today! pets pray i find it and the person who accepted it just gave it to a lost and found of some sorts.

some very cute stuff i picked up for my partner and i!! hes the gyaru i am not sadly as i think it doesnt suit me hehe. found the cutest ma*rs set ever that he and i have been looking to grab for him recently. i love harajuku day!! i also found this very cute old school etc dress that i can use for comfier coords!!

simple coord for some light thrifting today. i found a beautiful cardigan for my partner. ive been having a hard time but ive been allowing myself to surround myself in stuff i really care about lately and i think it helps. i had a great time sketching and listening to historical documentaries today, sometimes i think i would enjoy being a history teacher. i really miss my boyfriend a bunch.