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The fact that words have so much meaning, it can use to express anything.
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~Hello there~
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Couldn't be more true
Working in the emergency department is just:
- Seeing 5 people with colds who shouldn’t be here
- Someone with diabetes who just chugged a Big Gulp Soda
- Mystery Abdominal Pain
- An old person who fell and somehow broke every bone in their body
- Seeing the happiest healthiest baby ever with parents who look like they haven’t slept in 3 days because the baby sneezed (I don’t mind these patients - cute baby, knowing the cute baby is cared for, and easing people’s worry? Great time)
- Someone who got in a car accident 2 days ago and just now decided to get checked out and is about to learn about whiplash
- Someone who didn’t try any OTC medication for their symptoms before coming and is about to get the most expensive Acetaminophen & Ibuprofen of their lives
- An interaction that changes your life; that leaves you with a deep sadness but also hope and a certainty that despite everything, in their hearts people are good and want to love one another
- A 3ppd smoker with diagnosed COPD who decided today is the day to figure out that cough they’ve had for 5 years
- Homeless people who just want to get out of the elements and have a snack you want to help but can’t
- Someone who will scream at you for not prescribing antibiotics for a viral infection
- Someone with 13 heart stents who vehemently denies any heart problems because “they fixed it!”
- Someone who just invented a new way to take medication wrong
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Here’s how I perceive you:
I used to be so rational and unshaken, strongly hold on to the counsel that says “include your feelings or you will fail miserably” kind of person, so the fact that we are not align to each other should dim this feeling. Later on I found it stills flickering.
You are in my past but my feelings for you live in this present, no expired date and never fading away.
My heart never tired on making thousands of excuses and thousands of what ifs-, and that’s how everything start to falling. I begin to think that perhaps let this feeling to bloom is the right thing to do and you start become my wish.
But you are more unpredictable than I thought and what lies within your heart are unfathomed.
Investing my feelings on you won’t apparently gain any return. But here’s one of the human nature: It won’t stop till it hurts. So it still bloom.
Bylil
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2 decades and more; am I worthy of this life?
Most of the time, we forget that bein alive and enjoying our existence is a blessing, until the day of our birth approach us in every year to remind that such a long time has been wasted in a futile way and never been in a meaningful and significant way.
To be honest-- I don’t feel that my existence is meaningful, for me or for others. The more I try to think what I can give to others, it just drained my mind that nothing in me is precious for somebody’s life.
The desire to be a meaningful person, is it a human nature? or is it just an ambitious way of people to prove their existence in this life so that others can labeled them as the most significant person ever live?
If only our life equate on how significant our existence to somebody’s life, then people who struggle on their own life-- even when gets up and standing on their own feet feels so hard-- can’t even labeled as human. But luckily, that’s not how the world’s work.
“Your worth is not define on how significant your life to others”.
When your life scrumbled in your own feet, your perseverance is worthy more than thousands squids you want to give. Your struggling for your own self is much more needed than a handful of bouquet you wish to give to others when you’re not even a whole.
Nothing is significant more than your own life. To be significant is to be the whole version of yourself. And you’re worthy of life even nobody ever said that to you.
-bylil
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Life update as bein coass
Helloo worldddd
welcome back to my tumblr wkwkwk
u know, I’m actually still visiting my tumblr page approximately once a month but never posting anymore becoz apparently I lost lots of my vocabularies and I feels like I no longer speak or write fluently in english again huhu
Yowman my life is upgrading and evolving way too much and still can’t believe I’m steppin on clinical year. Been roughtly 10 months as a slave. Kidding.
Coass life is pretty nerve racking, soul jerking, and ultimately frightening. As now I’m on neurology department, I feel under pressure because the consultant is so brainy but also so mean. They become so harsh and able to roast you in front of your patient if you did wrong in the examination or if u can’t answer correctly of their “super” question. So here’s my everyday life as coass:
The schedule on minor rotation is designed to be on ‘on-off’ pattern. So, if today you are in charge then tomorrow is your time to relax and enjoy your holiday. (ha? really? it’s not that hard, why do you grumbling a lot???) hehe yeah, thinking that we still have a day off after being roasted or burned alive is considered as blessing but yeah heartache is still heartache no matter how long you take a break. Oh also we are not really free when we are on ‘day off’, we still have zoom schedule sometimes.
So what we actually do if it’s the day we are in charge? It’s depend on what duty you are on, you can be in outpatient or inpatient room or in bahasa we say “dinas poli” or “jaga ruangan”.
If we are in charge on outpatient room, we go on hospital at 7.00 am and begin to do examination and (guessing) diagnosis and therapy as we can before the consultant came. After the consultant came, we direct the patient and show (explaining what we got on examination) to the consultant. The consultant then re examine the patient (if she isn’t believe or doubt you haha) and give the therapy to the patient. In this time beware of many question that will bombard you, just like “How is the motoric of this patient? are the propioseptic normal? If she complain numbness till toes where is the possible segment of medspin that injured? etc etc depend of the patient’s clinical symptom). It goes on until the last patient. Then if we are lucky enough we can get discussion session of rare case or interesting case from the patient. The outpatient department is close on 13.00 and we can go home.
Contrary to the vibes of outpatient duty that still less frightening, being in charge on inpatient room is more scary and terrifying. You must arrive at hospital at 4.00 am or earlier because you need to report the patient to the consultant before 7.00 am. Not only reporting the patient, your task is also follow up (examine) the progression of the patient. Then after all the neuro patient followed up, you wait for the consultant to arrive approximately at 9.00 am and that’s the time to do “visite” together with your luvly consultant. Don’t forget we need to ‘show’(explain) the patient we followed to the consultant. So it’s like we describing the identity, chief complain, etc etc as like “Here’s doctor Mrs. X 50 y.o with hemorrhagic stroke onset day 4, today the patient has no complaint, the patient still have hemiparese dextra with muscle strength 4455, the patient have received nicardipine pump ....,...”. Even if the consultant ignore you, you still need to show up your patient. This term when I was in surgery rotation is called “being a bird” wkwkwk keep chattering even the doctor ignore you. OK thats it. Ah I forget, still, beware to be showered by questions or if you are not lucky enough the consultant can shower you with lots of “you are dumb and ignorance!” haha
Well, ciao...i will update more about coass life if I’m not lazy.
Dont forget to stay in line with our motto “What dosesn’t kill you make you stronger” and “Tetap hidup meskipun agak ruwet” hehehe
Byeee all~~
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FREE BOOKS: 100 LEGAL SITES TO DOWNLOAD LITERATURE
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A night in the life: Night shifts
[NB: all cases altered and de-identified, to point of being generic]
2100 hrs: Handover time.
I’m on subspecialty cover for nights.
As a rule where I work, no interns are allowed to cover a few of the subspecialties with potentially higher numbers of critically ill patients. Not all hospitals are like this in the area. At any rate, it means I do a mix bag of jobs, from your run of the mill answering of pages to admissions, to attending codes for affected patients.
- I get handed over a patient at risk of deteriorating - 2 codes in one day for hypotension, in setting of a diabetic limb - they’re also post op day 5 of a mid foot amputation. ICU is full, but so far their BP has been holding after the last fluid bolus. They’re also on 3 different IV antibiotics. Asymptomatic. Teetering. But stable.
- pager goes off. Need a sleeping tablet for one patient. Analgesia for another, no PRN ibuprofen charted.
- one sick patient handed over and a couple of light pages, not a bad start to a night. on bad ones I might have 3 admissions lined up and 2 expected admissions from country.
2130 hrs:
- prioritize the jobs and head over to see the sickest patient I have, and eavesdrop on the nursing handover for this particular one. Then call the night shift ICU registrar/senior resident, to discuss, but coincidentally, they’ve also arrived to assess. In the event of a code, we both now know the patient and scenario.
- another patient reports 7/10 pain D3 post op amputation, just started on ketamine infusion that morning. Then they fall asleep mid sentence and start to snore.
- quickly answer some pages, and give phone orders where I can.
0000 hrs
- notified about a transfer from a country hospital. needs admission.
- reminds me of the forrest gump quote, life is like a box chocolates, never know what you’re going to get. and that’s exactly how i feel about country transfers. you get some of the story over the phone, but you never what actually comes through the door until they arrive
- it’s pyelonephritis of a renal transplant graft, with AKI in a 22 year old.
0100hrs
- A concerned ED doc calls. New admission - patient with diabetes, but is not on treatment, who has necrosis or gangrene in the foot. Patient came in with a temperature and trouble breathing - they were in fluid overload too. They argued with their kids who called the Ambulance, who noted that the toes were so black, they looked like you could just snap them off. ED puts them on some of the strongest IV antibiotics under the sun. they’ve also notified the surgeons. - the patient in their 60s, had been treating their foot with tea tree oil, last saw a doctor about 20 years ago. They tell me they don’t believe in doctors and don’t want therapy
- i later learn the patient was adamant about no further antibiotics, no diuresis, no surgery, nothing. they were palliated and died shortly after, of their own accord.
- it reminded me of a couple of other patients I had. patients with advanced cancer whether lung or breast, or other major medical conditions. who refuse all treatment opting for homeopathy instead. Until at last, unable to cope at home they come to hospital.
- in the end what we see is the natural progression of their disease. diabetes left untreated, heart failure left untreated, congenital heart disease, breast cancer with metastases to lungs, brain and bone. things you read in a text book and never expect to see in the age of modern medicine. but we now begin to see them all again, just like all the paediatric diseases we wouldn’t expect to see in the age of vaccination.
0200hrs:
- paged to place an IDC into a delirious patient with urinary retention to 1L on a post void bladder scan.
- I used to be slow and nervous about IDCs.. but after so many night shift requests for these.. I can do it under 10 mins now. Sometimes 5 mins if I’m really pressed for time and the nurses have already set up for me. It’s almost always awkward for the poor patients, but for me.. as one resident said, “it’s just another elbow in medicine”.
- I reflect later that I’ve unintentionally seen possibly 100s of naked men on this job now. And handled their genitalia to put foley’s down too many times to count, I never thought that would happen 10 years ago. If you’re squeamish or prudish about sexual organs, this really isn’t the career for you.
- a lot of older men go into urinary retention when they’re unstable or after surgery.
- few more pages about hard cannulas on patients with no ‘veins left’ etc.
at 0230hrs I hit the night shift coffee truck that pulls into ED. In queue are other residents, nurses, construction workers from a site next door, police officers. etc. there’s nearly always police officers in ED nowadays, often just babysitting outside a cubicle. a few months ago there were a couple of public service campaigns on hospital violence.
0300hrs:
- page about a patient with tachypnoea after a bronchoscopy during day shift, despite 3 L of O2 via nasal prongs.
- The saturations fluctuate between 88-93% (when they were previously 100% a week ago) recent diagnosis of PJP pneumonia in sputum PCRs. They’re a transplant patient on immune suppressants.
- I take a blood gas, they’re in type I failure. but their saturations pick up with high flow. I briefly chat to an ICU registrar/senior resident, for extra support or advice. happy with high flow, wait till morning for a respiratory team review. we stress dose them with steroids.
0400hrs
- another page, another admission
– 25 yo out on a saturday night, too many shots of tequila. in the setting of binging every weekend since their teens. they woke up with melaena and small vomits of frank red blood in the shower. ED starts them on PPI infusion, Hb is stable and their vitals are stable. They’re booked for an endoscope in a few short hours.
- I hate counselling someone close to my age on drinking habits, I do it anyway. Remembering the night before I was having to have a family meeting with the family of one patient in liver failure at 2 am. they’d been drinking heavily for 20-30 years. They had portal hypertension, haemorrhoids. And they were coming in encephalopathic for the first time. It’d been a while since I’d seen such an emphatic hepatic flap. I forget sometimes, most of the general public have no idea what liver failure is or what it entails. It’s hard conversation to have.
0430hrs:
- I review the sicker patients on shift briefly and get updates from the nurses. Reassure junior ones looking after the sicker patients about plans and vital signs.
0530hrs
- things are settling. I eat an apple. It’s actually rare for things to settle, usually I’m catching up on smaller jobs. It hasn’t been a bad night. I contemplate catching up on studying for boards or research, but end up typing up some discharge summaries for day shift teams. Knowing how much it means to them having a couple of summaries ticked off.
After a time, it’s teaching and handover time.
It’s nice to see ‘people’ again, the ward clerk, day shift residents & nurses all pouring. It’s like an invisible bell has gone off somewhere, as if to say ‘school’s started’ or something. Sometimes I forget how lonely nights are until I see them piling in. After a few moments to handover and a couple of ‘have a good sleep’s’, they turn to their computers, and hunch over. Looking intense, bracing themselves as shifts begin for them.
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Episode 11 of TGD season 2 is legiittt!!!!~~~
All the heart-wrenching tear-jerking soul-sucking moments, hard work, sweetness, and wisdom were put together in this episode. I definitely will watch again multiple times even everyday y'all pls watch it is the best film that teach you so much and worth more than the duratiooon!!!!! I can't thank enough I'm beyond glaad to all the cast and the director and all people behind the scenes 💖💖 looking forward for the next episode~~
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what it is like to blogging abt personal life?
Assalamualaikum everyone, ogenki desuka? I hope y’all fine, well, and feel blessed. Okay let’s say Alhamdulillah first / IknownoonewillreadthisIjustpretendthere’ssomeonewhoread/ok
before I write, first, I need to get consent that : this following story may not written fully in english, bcs my english is short and limited to the point that I’m not sure I’ll able to convey what I really mean using only english hehe so pardon me I will use billingual instead.
so hehe I decided to try writing about my personal life, which to me, feels so hard because I’m not used to tell my life (in particular) to someone neither write it in a diary. I never write a diary about my life (I only write poems and prose). I keep close what my feeling, how my life going, only for me like really I rarely pour it down vividly in form of writing nor I tell them to someone even my family.
Today is marked to be the seventh day of my holiday, which I feel time pass quickly even if I do not have things to do or place to go (really I just stay in home and only once went out to visiting my grandparent’s house and it’s not far -if you wonder why: the reason is either I have no money to hang out or I have no friend). I can assure you will adore me for mastering and bearing with boredom but to me I’m fine because I get used to it. Exactly every time I had long holiday I only stayed at home but guess what I’m fully grateful and happy to just stay at home because my family is my ultimate source of happiness even the fact we rarely go out for vacation.
You know I planned to do my resolution in this new year but up until now, until this 18th January, I have done nothing. It messed up by the feeling of laziness and because I’m the queen of procrastinating, so resolution in new year will end up a vain to me. But guess what, this holiday is better than my last holiday because in this holiday I struggle to write an essay for a competition for the sake of saving my future in 7th semester, huhu I mean for my skripsi to be easier. HUHU I WORRYING A LOT ABOUT SKRIPSI THINGY (please pray for me that Allah will make it easier). Beside that I’ll also try to manage my time in holiday, even I didn’t start yet, I hope I can boost my ibadah and read more novel and watch more film that beneficial for me (I decided not to watch romance-kind-of film and planned to finish reading two of doctor Henry Marsh novel-I forgot the title- but one about surgery and the other is about his experience during his medical shift). Other than that, I must be able to manage my time for my ultimate duty as a good kid hehe like sweeping, clean dishes, etc.
So that’s about resolution-thingy. Lets jump into something more interesting: A FILM REVIEW by ulil haha.
SO GUESS WHAT??? I have done watching THE GOOD DOCTOR SEASON 2 huhu I’m so glad I did. For me, this film teach me a lot of knowledge, not just about medical but also abt a life particularly in social life because I consider my self as a socially awkward person just like Shaun-the only different thing is I’m not endowed havin Savant Syndrome- so I really take a good note from that film not only in medical-thingy but also how to properly being socialized. But really I adore how they set up the ambience really just like medical situation in real life start from the procedure of treating patient until life behind the ward (tension and conflict between the doctors). I want to tell more and more complex so let me use bahasa okey. Ya jadi aku suka TGD baik yg s 1 atau 2 karena setiap episode nya mereka menyajikan kasus-kasus yang berbeda dan kadang treatmentnya itu sangat mengagumkan huhu apalagi kalo pas Shaun yang punya ide. Selain itu aku sukanya dari setiap pemainnya they really have their own character. Selain itu, kehidupan di luar rumah sakit atau di luar shift rotationnya itu juga digambarkan dengan baguus dimana mereka juga menampilkan permasalahan personal pemainnya. The things I really adore in this season 2 is when doctor Aron diagnosed having tumour and he overworried a lott and felt lonely which is really like in real life when someone in old ages have severe ailment and the part when Shaun eventually realized he should accompany him IT'S REALLY A LEGIT FEELING. Nah kalo tentang medical cases yang paling aku ingat di season 2 adalah tentang anak kembar yang lengket/apaankoklengket/ ya pokoknya dia kembar tapi gagal misah mulai kepala sampai dada if I'm not mistaken, nah lalu di operasi tapi gagal operasinya huhu terus ujungnya yg satu meninggal because jantungnya terlalu lemah to pump blood.
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Anyway I think I must stop in here because I need to do alot of things./ my mak already teriak2 nyuruh nyapu dan mandi :" /
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How is life goin?
Great but but it wasn't all good, I am still complaining and most importantly I'm still feeling anxious abt what's happening next in my life :"( but for now I'm so grateful Alhamdulillah
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I want you to stay still when things get worst and I'm just as greedy as beast: Do not orbiting. Let your sun burn my skin.
I wanna see your star colliding, just as how you try to exile devil from stealing your secret and foresee everything: you allowed to make riot and make me prostrating.
I want to feel your coldness that chill until my bone and bury my body under your snow: you gotta remind me who are the heartless between us.
I wanna see beyond your galaxies, does it dark or light that make me blind? Does it full of angel or devil?
—bylil
to my universe.
(This was originally posted for my allpoetry account but I haven't visited since my last holiday which is six months ago and probably won't activate again because I rather write in this tumblr.)
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Aku tiada pernah mengerti bagaimana hilang dan pergi begitu menyesakkan bagimu hingga luka mu tiada pernah sembuh dibalut waktu.
Akhir akhir ini kau sering bilang, di dunia ini yang terpenting adalah bagaimana bahagia tidak bergantung pada orang lain hingga kau bertanya tanya apakah kau masih perlu menikah bahkan jika yang paling mengerti tentangmu hanyalah hati dan fikiranmu sendiri.(tidak sebelum dia pergi)
Lukamu membuat ceruk yang terjal hingga sekali kau jatuh, kau berulangkali bertanya pada tuhan apakah hidupmu memang dicipta dari melankolia dan nestapa.
Kau sekeras kerasnya batu, mengembalikan senyummu mustahil bila kau terus saja menutup hati dan bersihkeras tidak butuh dimengerti.
Tapi kau juga rapuh, serapuh pasir terseret gelombang yang perlahan luruh dan menyeretmu kembali untuk sadar bahwa menjadi tegar memang tak harus menjauh dari segala belas kasih dan bersembunyi di balik kata "aku cukup kuat dengan diriku sendiri"
—bylil
(I never know how heartbreak really feel because I never have any relationship but if it really agonizing, I hope you mend by time and soon realise the first thing that need to be maintained is our relationship with God.)
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When We Were Young
“Let me photograph you in this light
In case it is the last time
That we might be exactly like we were
Before we realized
We were sad of getting old
It made us restless”
I look upon the young, plain, and dashing piece of me
When mom still kissed the back of my father’s hand every morning
While bros and sis were preaparing to school,
And I was the one that always excited to pick my father up to get the candies
I look upon the young and happy me,
that still sat on elementary school and thinks that school and friends is heaven
cause they fully fill my whole heart with memories.
While I didn’t even know that, 5 years later, dad will always
home and he’s the one that will welcoming me from school
and I stop getting any candy
I look upon the young and cheeky me,
When I and my whole sip washed by the rain, playin slide in the slippery tiles
Laughing and promising each other that we will
Play together when rain comin again tomorrow
And we went home quietly to make sure dad and mom
not knowing we were wet and chilled
But dad smiled and we already relieved
I looked upon the eleven teenager of me
When mom angry and shouted to me
To never come home again
If I still playin with my friend till five p.m and
forgot to do the homework
And I end up cried for hours and slept with mad
My youth memories will stay fresh and lingered,
That happiness that burst my heart or madness that shed my tears
Come in my life
To make me realized my foot tipped in the ground
And my heart still felt.
--bylil(write this on the first day of 2018 while listening to adele-when we were young with tears rolling and chest pressed by memories)
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Make the people around you smile, whether you know them or not. To you it is just a smile but to them it’s something more than that because you don’t know what kind of trials they’ve battled in the past. Maybe their battles are ongoing, or maybe the pain of the past still goes on for them.
يعلم الله و لا نعلم
Allah knows, and we do not know
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May Allah make our heart remain pure, prestine and peaceful.
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