finding a new place to write because he doesn’t need to know that today went better because i did what i set out to do. 

1/4/2017

before starting this post i thought about what i was going to write. it was positive-ish. i put on a band i thought might help me write. 

and it did. but not about that.

i am in a place that doesn’t exist anymore.  the violin sways in my ears as my eyes blink away tears. how can some place not exist anymore? how can someone not exist anymore?

1/3/2017

this is also backdated. actually, i had about four paragraphs written out explaining of how much of a shit show yesterday was and it somehow deleted. it was so bad that it somehow is leaking back into this post. here’s what went wrong: 1. flight was delayed from 11:45PM to 12:15AM 2. middle seat to a bright yellow fleece wearing man who loved listening to disco music that i could here the entire time. 3. two of our three bags didn’t make it in. 4. car dead. 5. car dead again. 6. 124 dollars on new battery. 7. breathalyzer stopped working at the airport when trying to get our bags. 8. was on phone with help for 30 minutes. nothing happened. 9. anchorage office told me to go back to town and get a new piece. 10. had to find a ride now from airport to town. 11. had to find a new way back to airport from town. 12. new piece didn’t work. 13. had anchorage office say, “call j’s. they are dealing with you now. not to sound rude or anything”, whilst sounding rude. 14. had to pay for someone to come and fix it. 15. it’s not fixed. i still have to go in and fix it. 16. went to go pick up ollie. the people weren’t at the house. 17. went to pick up food. (hadn’t eaten since 9) - what we wanted wasn’t there. i was not looking forward to the long day of just sitting at my desk feeling like a zombie post red eye flight. but look! the day kept me fucking busy. come on 2017, prove me wrong. 

1/2/2017

this is backdated. i’ve failed my resolution already but whatever. my last day of vacation. i was busy. too busy to stop and write. i rid of twitter for the month to maybe stop posting stupid shit in 140 characters and maybe take the time to actually write what’s on my mind. 

tuesday morning we woke up eleven minutes past eight and watched the rose parade. searching for the floats we helped put a couple dozen roses into. claiming them as floats we made. far fetched. we were going to go on a hike to the wisdom tree in griffith park but instead sat around lazily reading and eating snacks. 

i was a little sad to be leaving but mostly i was ready to go back to my unplanned planned life where i wake up and go to a job i’m not that into and sit around. 

till next time.

1/1/2017

the new year is here. what everyone has been waiting for. as if time wasn’t some thing we all created. as if the sharp corner in the seven compared to the easy swirl of the six will change it all. it won’t. not really. but we feel as if our mind will be refreshed, despite the aching headache we wake up with. (not me this year but it’s happened). more celebrities will die. trump will be president. the ocean will warm. we will kiss mouths we don’t know. the sun will rise each day. but who cares?! It’s mother fuckin’ two thousand seventeen. good riddance. even me. here i am. this is my resolution. to write everyday in 2017. i’m laughing at this. because we all know me.  maybe it’s not to write everyday but to feel more me than i’ve felt in ages. to BE ME. to feel that happiness i once was filled to the brim with.  because that’s all i’ll ever really be able to offer: me.  cheers to the new year. 

Hallstatt, Austria.

wardrobe capsule + problems.  i’ve worked hard to get where i am with my clothes. i can think of my wardrobe right now and this is what i have: sweaters: 1. madewell. grey. 2. everlane. navy. 3. madewell. black. 4. everlane. navy striped.  *new* sweatshirts: 1. everlane. grey. long sleeves: 1. everlane. navy.  2. everlane. g/w striped.  *new* 3. urban outfitters. plaid.

quarter sleeves: 1. everlane. w/b striped. 2. gap. black. 3. madewell. yellow. 4. madewell. oatmeal. short sleeves: 1. everlane. white. crew. 2. madewell. yellow striped. crew. 3. madewell. b/w striped. crew. 4. everlane. grey. u-neck. 5. madewell. grey. cropped. 6. madewell. mustard. v-neck. 7. everlane. white. u-neck.  *new* cardigans:  1. urban outfitters. black.  2. j. crew. light grey.  3. madewell. marled grey.

dresses: 1. everlane. black. shift. 2. united by blue. navy striped. shift. shorts: 1. madewell. black. 2. madewell. light jean. pants:  1. gap. navy trousers.  *new* jeans: 1. madewell. indigo jeans. 2. madewell. boyfriend jeans. 3. levi’s. 501′s. 4. acne. black jeans. jackets: 1. madewell. black wool open jacket. 2. sezane. jean jacket. 3. fjallraven: blue anorak.

shoes: 1. sezane. white sneakers. 2. avarcas pons. tan suede. 3. frye. black chelsea boots. 5. bryr. black clogs.

38 pieces of clothing. this is from memory. so i’ll double check when i am home. i want to keep this active and let it change as i change. this is also without activewear/sleepwear.  there are some clothes at the bottom of my closet or hanging on my hangers that i just haven’t gotten rid of yet. that i don’t wear and never will wear. before september first i plan on parting from them. a few things i want to add or replace: 1. my black cardigan from UO is from 2010. it’s old and outdated. 2. longish grey cardigan from j.crew. passed down from daisy. i wear it cause i have it but i don’t like the transparency of it. 3. i want a *new* cream duster. or black. i can’t decide. 4. nisolo chukka boots. 5. new loafers. 6. black trousers. that’s all i can think of now. i’ll try to get some pictures here soon. i also need to keep my “aesthetic blog” updated to keep me motivated. original: 8/3/2016

It’s funny how you can have a smile so bright with a sadness so deep.

Purezza (via wnq-writers)

Loose Linen Jumpsuit in Charcoal | notPERFECTLINEN

When someone wrongs us, we want the maximum amount of punishment. But when we do wrong, we want the maximum amount of understanding and forgiveness.

i’m waiting for the morning where i wake up and it’s light again. i am waiting for the moment where i look in the mirror and see someone i truly love. i am waiting  for the moment i feel like my closet isn’t so cluttered. i can’t wait for the moment when my brain is uncluttered. 

i am going to be a healthy being this year. 

People can be so quiet about their pain, that you forget they are hurting. That is why it is so important to always be kind.

Nikita Gill (via meanwhilepoetry)

Dominika Brudny

Woman does not emerge from a man’s rib’s, not ever, it’s he who emerges from her womb.

Nizar Qabbani

one of the greatest lies of patriarchy is claiming framing the father as the lifegiver

(via lilacmeadow)