Everyday i live in constant fear thst youll get taken away from me and never know how deeply and madly in love i am with you and how id regret never saying it to you for the rest of my life. Its a day to day thought and a regular burden but its so hard to say when you constantly hurt me

I have come to this point of realisation that if someone cant treat me the way they should and the way I treat them and want them to treat me. They dont deserve me and i dont deserve to be continously hurt by there actions. I cant be bothered to waste time anymore especially on teaching people how they should treat me when they know how they should and choose not too.

When I think about everything, and about my experiences in relationships, I learn more and more why Ive become less inclined to want to be in them. People hurt me and I don’t know why, I try so hard to understand there way of thinking and to understand how they could ever do such a thing but its a puzzle to me. 

Cheated on 

Rejected 

Partner has got with my friend after telling me there pretty 

Partners have called my friends attractive an liked there photos 

Theyve gotten numbers off of other girls infront of me 

theyve sent me videos getting with other girls 

theyre liking pictures of half naked girls even though i said i dont like it 

they ignore me 

they lose interest in me 

they say they love me and dont mean it 

they dont care about my needs

they manipulate me and mess around with my head

They make me there last priority

What is love?

I crave to feel that feeling of butterflies in your belly when you hear the voice of someone you love, 

I crave to laugh that goofy laugh that makes your belly ache because of you, 

I crave to be loved unconditionally and forever, 

I crave security you give me when im in your arms, 

I crave the comfort you give me when you talk, 

I crave the warm feeling you feel when you know someone is completely and absolutely in love with you. 

I want to feel love, I want to feel it so deeply you feel like youre on adrug whenever im with you, that you make me feel that anything is possible as long as i have you holding my hand. 

Day to day is hard- By the day I learn more and more about how this type of love doesn't exist, people are hurting each other in many different ways. I keep learning that people cant be trusted and the one person I thought i trusted with all my heart is turning more and more into one of those people. My heart hurts everyday knowing that this love is beginning to not exist anymore, but I havent lost hope. Maybe one day someone will look at me and love me no matter what, they wont look at another person and theyll never dare hurt me. maybe one day. Im a firm beliver that everything happens for a reason and that we all do have another half of us out there somewhere, I thought you were my other half but maybe not. 

0 energy.

With every new thing that we face, I lose a bit more energy. You’ve made me fall so deep in love with you, I’ve learnt to trust you, I thought i had learnt that you wouldnt leave and I’ve been willing to sacrifice many things for you and to love you and to maybe make our relationship work over 4000 miles because i truly believe you could be the one.

But as you lose interest in me by the day, your replies get shorter, you don’t want to see my face and you dont want to hear my voice anymore it gets hard. Ive felt this before, people losing interest in me. And honestly I dont know how long I can feel this again. 

You’re doing things that you know hurt me without thinking, you're not malicious but youre not thinking about how you could be affecting me with your actions. It’s almost like you dont care anymore and I think that hurts the most. 

We’re always discussing these problems, these have always played a predominate role in our relationship and was one of the many reasons we broke up before. When we gave it another go everything had changed , everything was perfect, you loved me, you were interested in every aspect about me, you wanted to see my face and here my voice most days, you didn't look at another girl and you never dared to do something you knew could hurt me. 

But we stopped everything again because I needed time on my own and I didnt want you to have a shit time missing me while I was 4000 miles away, but we spoke everyday and everything was perfect again. 

And then a month in things started to change and these bad habits started to creep back in. I dont know what to do, I dont think my heart can go through it again, I dont think i have any energy to tell you how much youre hurting me again. But you are. 

Emilee- Comparing myself to you. I don’t know where to start, you’re absolutely beautiful. I used to worry about your best friend, she’s also beautiful and when she had previously commented on how good looking rhys was, i was obviously going to worry and compare myself. But it wasnt her i had to worry about it was you emilee. Ive always told Rhys how insecure and how it made me feel awful him liking these half naked photos of girls were especially of people he knew and lived in the same town as. He stopped doing it with your bestfriend and my bestfriend maybe because he knew I could see that. But with you he did it even more on multiple different platforms.

I think i’ve learnt that i compare myself to you so much because im jealous, im jealous of how perfect you are and how ill never look as good as you. 

As im realising more and more im not someone this boy finds attractive, you are. Blonde, small, white. And im just about the opposite. And there’s not alot I can do about that. Im sorry this is about you, its not really. It’s more about me and how im trying to learn to love and not compare myself, but how can I when youre perfect. 

I just don’t want to look stupid its easy and as hard as that.

Casey - i compare myself to one other girl in particular because she has like the aspects of me that you liked and now i donf have them anymore (blonde hair, nose ring stc etc) weve got similar bods, just face and skin is different but shes pretty. And i dont know feel shit.

wondering thoughts

i have countless amount of thoughts running around my head, i have no idea where to even start but writing it down help me think and come to terms with it all and understand myself more.

COVID-19- this is one of my thoughts, i mean its the thought of most people across the globe at the moment. And i feel this is a particular struggle for me, not only because I have family members with health problems (grandparents-diabetics dad-smoker and heart issues mum- irregular heart rhythm and i guess me too as i was ill the whole of 2019 with continuous flu). But i think its hard to be living in dubai while my family are all in the UK isolating together. this is the second times ive ever travelled abroad on my own, ive moved abroad on my own and ive started  job which is going to be severely effected by it (the aviation industry) ill be surprised if i make it out of this with a job. Its difficult time.

appearance- i’ve spoken about in a couple previous posts, i wont be addressing this again its draining going over the same thing. 

boy oh boy- my heart and my head is utterly fucked. when things hurt me i block it out for a little while and think i realise how bad it actually is when i look back. my brains learnt to process things this way, i guess it works it doesnt obliterate me completely this way just breaks me a little bit. 

rhys - i dont know where to start, we break up and get back together over and over. ive realised that this time i couldn't allow myself to love you after how much you hurt me the first time. we carry on talking and you continue to show me the real you, and how much you care about me and i start to fall for you regardless of the distance (we’ve always made that work anyway) and its all perfect you even say yourself “youre the closest thing to perfect”. a week later your distant, you dont want to talk, your cold and youre going back to your own ways:( i thought you had changed. you say youre worried that your putting in to much effort into a dead end and the you cant give me the attention i want. you were doing so perfect i was falling for you and just like that just what i thought was going to happen did, you're falling out of love with me. im so silly for letting myself get hurt again. 

How can you be in love with two boys at the same time? both make you feel alive in completely different ways.

Harry- the amount of horrible shit i could write about you, but im not bitter i allow myself to get hurt every time i go back to you..its my own fault. you get girls numbers infront of me, you tell me my friends are pretty and proceed to then get with them. you make me feel silly but ive let you do this to me. i blame myself because you manipulate me to belive its my fault then your actions that you have done have hurt me. this isnt right. you tell me you miss me you say you love me like me whatever, but im an object to you. you pick me up whenever you want and drop me in the blink of an eye. i know you dont love me this isnt love. but i also know that theres alot behind your face, theres alot of things that have made you, you. you dont think about others feelings before you act, youre not scared to lose someone but youll miss them, youre not scared to not talk to them because youve got youre own company. your confusing and it intrigues me 

the past and the present?

most days on a social media platform you receive a memory of a picture you took maybe one maybe 2 or maybe 3 years ago. the past few days have hit me heavily, i look at these pictures and its me looking confident and loving my body but all i think when i see these pictures is how fat i was. it confuses me how blind i was to how large i was and still embraced it, how embarrassing. It makes me worry that the way i now view myself in the mirror is distorted, im probably a lot larger then i think i am. 

my new job

I’ve always dealt with my body, with every flaw no matter how hard that is but now I've started my new job all I can think about is my flaws. I’m surrounded by beautiful girls 24/7, I get weighed regularly to “check that i’m looking after myself”. What is this toxic bullshit, you don’t care about me.. you care about my dress size getting bigger. I’ve lost everything that makes me, me. Every piercing is gone, no beautiful art is allowed on my skin, and the colour of my hair clearly effects the way I work. What is going on? Why must we all look the same, the company says it celebrates diversity and a cosmopolitan environment,this is all bullshit there’s no diversity just control, you own me. Whys no one talking about this? Why does no-one talk about the detrimental effect its going to have on all these employees.

my little holiday

Guess who’s back again with a head full of unpleasant thoughts, it’’ll never change i’m going to be like this forever. Mental health is like a holiday, you’ll always think about home while you’re enjoying your holiday but you’ve always got to come home. Welcome home x

Back to feeling absolute shit abott how I look, can't wait to cry at myself when I look in the mirror again

Sleep used to be my escape from reality but when all you’re dreams turn into nightmare it feels like there’s no escape

i feel unappreciated and unloved 98% of the time