Self portrait. Nikon d300S. December, 2020.

Hey there, Tumblr. It’s been a while.

I had written SO much and then the draft decided to just... shit out for some goddamn reason. Glad to see this site still absolutely choogles ass.

Regardless, as much as I’ve been inactive on this website, and now as pissed as I am that I lost ALL THAT WORK, I really have been feeling the urge to start photoblogging again. This time, I’m feeling more blogging how I’m feeling along with my images, so a touch more personal than before. For some reason, I had sort of thought that was the original idea behind this thing.

But we’ll see.

Where do I even begin...?

So much has happened since that last post, and it’s nearly impossible to summarize almost 8 years in one shot, but I can probably gloss over it.

I, in fact, did not put my life back together after that last picture. In fact, I am pretty sure I fell into the deepest depression of my life a few months later. Like, only eating an apple, an orange, and two bananas each day because you couldn’t afford any more food nor did you feel like eating anything else level depression. Did wonders for my weight, but it just about shattered my ability to form and maintain memories. Seriously, my college years are kind of just a blur now, which is incredibly depressing, because I know they were some of the most important years of my life, but they’re just... gone. Not all gone, mind you, but there’s an overwhelming amount of fog there. It destroyed my relationship with a lot of people, or at least made me fizzle out in their lives... I lived for Loki, my family, and to do nothing but work. People would reach out, and I simply could not bring myself to respond. It didn’t get better for a long, long time. In retrospect, it’s honestly a miracle I’m still here... honestly, if it wasn’t for Loki or my mother, I probably wouldn’t be. I am better now, in a way where I at least am not at that level. Still haven’t gone to therapy, but I’m at least looking for one now and don’t feel like I’m at that rock bottom anymore.

To be fair, the drinking didn’t help the whole memory holes thing I mentioned, either. I wouldn’t call myself sober nowadays, but one very important memory I have in college is the time I had to work at a convention while hung over as fuck, and between hating working after a night of booze, working at least 5 days a week, and the fact I was making piss poor nothing out of college, I stopped drinking almost altogether. I won’t say no to a drink (unless I’m really not feeling it), but I think that I have a far more healthy relationship with alcohol nowadays.

Speaking of jobs and making piss poor nothing- I have been working at that same job since I got hired on a hail mary chance shortly after graduating. I am going to do my best to never name it by name on this blog (they have kind of a funny social media policy, and god help me if any of my management friends/cohort/coworkers ever find this), but I will say it’s a well loved convenience store in the mid Atlantic region and leave it at that. Nowadays, I am an assistant general manager, which is a hell of a step up from the like 8-something dollars an hour I started at. It wasn’t an easy path, and it certainly had some downfalls, but right now I am happy where I am at and I still believe in the company and what it stands for. Plus, it pays the bills, so that’s nice.

I’m still living in Philadelphia, in the same apartment I moved to after leaving The Lost World behind. It’s on a quiet(ish) little corner on the boarder of Fairmount and Brewerytown, with lots of trees nearby and some beautiful sights in walking distance. The rent is cheap for the area, my landlords leave me to my own devices, and it’s a relative hub of transit options. I’ve had a few roommates in my time here... most have not been great, but I did get to live with Luke (a highlight) and the one roommate I had here for maybe 5-6 years, Issy, ended up being one of my best friends. Right now, Loki and I are doing the solo living thing, and with my raises at work and some strict spending management on my end, it’s honestly not terrible. I’m really enjoying not having another roommate, and I hope I can keep it up for a while.

Speaking of Loki... my lil old man is doing alright. He’s had a few health scares over the years, a few bladder issues that kept him on medicated food, a heart murmur, and now thyroid problems. He’s like 13 or 14 at this point, so it’s to be expected. I think about how he’s old quite often as of late, and it fills me with a sense of dread. I don’t like that he’s in the twilight of his life, even though he still acts like a kitten with running and playing and being a little ridiculous goofball. I really can’t imagine my life without him.

As for brighter things...

I finally got over my fear of basic math and took a stab at playing Dungeons and Dragons a few years ago, and I am so glad I did. It’s honestly been a life changing thing for me, and a huge part of my social life nowadays. I started DMing in 2017 or 2018 on my birthday, and while COVID put most of the campaigns I run on hiatus, I’m slowly getting back into the DM saddle. It’s helped me make some amazing friends while also express some of those crazy story ideas I’ve had rumbling around in my brain since I was a kid. Truly a 10/10 experience.

I somehow ended up as a Twitch affiliate, and I actually get paid to stream nowadays. I was part of enough D&D streams on my own that it motivated me to start streaming games again, and shit, it paid off. I’ve been a key organizer in at least 5 fundraisers now, and helped raise a shit load of funds over the past few years for some awesome causes while doing some ridiculous things online. It’s been a great experience.

Perhaps the most shocking of all things, however, is that I finally made the discovery and come to grips with the fact I’m polyamorous. If you’ve known me for as long as I’ve had a Tumblr, this is probably pretty shocking, especially given that my first experience with polyamory was less ethical nonmonogamy and more my ex sleeping with whoever she wanted guilt free because she couldn't do long distance relationships and I was some sort of weird emotional crutch for her, and it traumatized me to the idea for a long time. However, in my last major relationship, I had this realization that I could probably happily be in a polyamorous relationship if the communication was there, and while I wasn’t willing to sacrifice my monogamous relationship to find that out, if there ever was a reason I was single again, I was going to try it out. Well, after we split and then COVID ruined everyone’s lives (and another pretty unfortunate relationship), I tried the solo poly thing for a while, because the person I needed to date the most at that point was myself.

Well, I kind of failed at that part a bit, as now I have not one but two girlfriends. Sarah, who is married, is the first, and Katie, who I am definitely going to marry, is the second. I met Sarah around August of 2021, and while I was supposed to be just a fun time bonus thing for her (she was in two other relationships at this point), she eventually caught the feels and we eventually talked it out. I met Katie in November of the same year, and it was like finding everything I ever wanted in a partner in a single human being. I won’t say it was love at first sight, but it was definitely love a lot quicker than I think I was comfortable with admitting. I’ve had a few missteps along the way, and it’s occasionally been a bit messy, but it’s been a great experience regardless and I am very happy with my relationships.

If I had to ask 2015 Ian, as he looked into that broken mirror on that October night, what he thought his life would look like nowadays, I don’t think he would have believed me if I had told him almost all of his expectations were wrong. But I think that’s probably a good thing.

I don’t really have much else to add to wrap this up, only that I am going to try my damndest to actually blog here a bit more and get some of the feelings and thougths I have off my chest. I don’t really think any of the followers I have on this Tumblr use it anymore, nor do I think many of them would really care what I have to say anymore. This isn’t for the notes or views, though.

This is for me.

Til next time...

Self portrait. LG G3. October 11th, 2015.

I'm pulling my life back together, bit by bit.

Jeff. Nikon D300S. Some time in March of 2012.

I met Jeff over spring break in 2012 when visiting one of my best truenda, Jarrett, at his college in Florida. Today, both of them were in a plane crash. Jarrett survived. Jeff did not.

Rest easy, dude. You've earned your wings.

Community Legal Services 50th Anniversary Event. Nikon D300S. October 2nd, 2015.

I had the pleasure of being hired to shoot for CLS Philadelphia during their 50th anniversary event last Friday night. I was pretty intimidated when I accepted a job, but it was actually a ton of fun for a corporate gig.

It also helped that they were all really funny human beings, too. I hope to be hired for more of their events in the future.

Stinky Dog. LG G3. September 26th, 2015.

The Pope is coming to town, and I've been dealing with living in the dreaded "Black Zone" within the Traffic Box.

Today I met this dog whose enthusiasm for the whole situation matches my own.

Bookworm in Bookhaven. LG G3. August 30th, 2015.

"Sorry I've been so uncooperative with photos today."

Liza. LG G3. August 22nd, 2015.

Surprise, last second friend adventures are probably my favorite friend adventures.

Quizzo. LG G3. August 12th, 2015.

It’s nice trying to bring back old rituals and traditions into post college life. Helps distract you when stuff isn’t going your way.

House of the Rising Son. LG G3. August 7th, 2015.

Do you even pun, bro?

Reunion. LG G3. July 21st, 2015.

Hoo boy. It’s been a while, huh?

A lot has happened.

I finished my last semester of classes at Temple in early May of this year. I had originally planned on moving back home, but after realizing that living with my parents would probably kill me and finding a friend who needed a roommate, I decided to try and find a job in Philly. I actually got an interview at the Wawa near my apartment within a week, and after that went well, actually got the position. We moved out of the lost world, I threw out most of my old possessions, I moved in with a friend from Chicago in a quiet section of Brewerytown, and now I spend almost every moment either working, cleaning, gaming, or sleeping.

Post graduation life sucks in a lot of ways. Sure, it feels awesome to be done (hopefully forever) with college, but now I don’t feel like I have much else to look forward to in my life. I’ve hit the goal marker of having a degree, and what do I have to show for it? Well, not the physical degree yet, since I still owe Temple some money (looong story), and a fucking six figure student loan debt for six years of college. And while I do love my job and don’t even care that I’m not doing anything in my degree field right now, I do feel kind of shitty that a lot of my friends sort of seem to look down at me for working at a Wawa. Like I could apply myself more. Sure, degree-wise I’m definitely overqualified for my position, but actual job experience wise? They took a huge risk hiring me, and while I’m completely acing it right now, i could have very easily been a flop. No, I love my job. It’s the one time of the day when I feel happy.

If you couldn’t tell, post-undergrad feels like a hole. I’m not seeing many of my friends. Stuff at the new place isn’t as concrete as I’d like, and I’m really starting to feel the strain. I’m completely alone, and my out of work human interaction is limited, usually only being posts on Facebook or some quality gaming time on Xbox Live. I haven’t seriously used my camera since the Gasshuku, and that was the first time in months I even held it. I haven’t stopped photographing completely, as I still use my smartphone, but it’s hit a crawl.

I know this is all perfectly normal, but it feels shitty and it sucks. Something will change about this eventually, but until then? I’ll just have to deal. 

The Dark Below. LG G3. March 11th, 2015.

I went back to the abandoned rail tunnel near the art museum a few days ago.

It's a good place to think.

Betty. LG G3. March 4th, 2015

Tonight I got to celebrate my dad’s birthday, albeit a few days belated due to snow storms. However, I also got to catch up with Betty, one of my old friends from my Basic Photography class back in the day.

About five years ago, almost to the day, she came up to Hatboro to take portraits of my mother and I together for a basic photo project. After, we went to Lancer’s, enjoying a nice dinner and dessert to go before running back down to the city for another group shoot.

I miss those days sometimes, but it’s amazing how far I’ve come since then.

Julie. Nikon D300S. February 13th, 2015.

Well, it's been a little while, photo blog, and it's been a real weird little while.

Last semester really wiped me out, as much as I don't care to admit that. I put my everything into my last few weeks of class, and while it paid off in the long run (I made dean's list for the first time in my life), I found myself feeling empty and unfulfilled over break, which passed far too quickly.

I hit this semester a little slow, but I'm back in my groove now. I felt like I lacked focus in my photo work for much of the early semester, as I lacked a main muse. Emily had essentially served as that for the past year (both in terms of our relationship and the emotional distress of our breakup), and since I was feeling much better in a post-relationship state, it didn't really affect my emotions to actually function as a muse. Thankfully, I think I've found someone to fill that creative driving void, though I'm still unsure about the majority of my work. I'll let you figure out who that is for yourself. ;)

Loki and The Lost World. LG G3. November 30th, 2014. Thanksgiving break has not been as relaxing as I had hoped.

Julie. Nikon D300S. Nov. 12th, 2014.

I shot a lot of last minute stuff for the Thankfulness exhibit that Aperture was putting up during the week, but fate had a different plan and I wasn't able to hang any of it. Oh well.

Rocky Steps. LG G3. Nov. 15th, 2014. I'm helping out with the Photojournalism class at Temple as they tackle a 24 hour project on the Rocky Steps, asking people about a time they overcame adversity in their lives. I'm on the 2 am to 6 am shift, though, which I'm sure I won't regret at all later.

Matthew and Stella. LG G3. Nov. 7th, 2014. First Friday was freezing. Harrison's tire went flat on the way over and we had to change it. But it was still a good time, I think.