"Wario strikes again! If this warehouse full of Nintendo tips and cheats doesn't make me a whole pot of cash, I'll eat my moustache. And as my old ma always said, you can never have too many gold coins. 'Course, she didn't have any after I wedged her inside her kitchen bin and pilfered all her cash. Eh-heh-heh-heh!

"What? No, really - it's all totally legitimate! 'Course, I can't divulge my suppliers. Waluigi turns up one day with a truckload of boxes, stuffed full of tips and codes. 'Confidential: Property of Nintendo' stickers all over them - lucky they peeled off so easily. Especially because I had to use one to tape Waluigi's stupid mouth shut after he almost blabbed the whole deal to Mario.

"In fact, that monkey Mario's been sniffing around the warehouse ever since, if the red hat that keeps passing by the window is anything to go by. I think we can safely discount Waluigi's theory that it's Baby Mario on stilts, anyway. But I've stashed the cheats under a pile of my old socks - even that toilet technician couldn't stand sifting through those, eh-heh-heh-heh!

"So, Wario's totally legitimate game help service is now ready for business! I've fished out some tip-top Sonic Adventure 2: Battle tips to give you a taster of the kind of stuff that's filling every corner of this warehouse. Only registered members can access them, mind - hopefully that'll placate the Nintendo police if they catch me in the act. Not that I'm doing anything wrong, of course!!! Eh-heh-heh... huh... hmm.

"Oi! Waluigi! Where are you off to? Ah, another batch of 'legitimate merchandise' to go and 'take delivery of', eh? When will you be back? Next week? You say the truck's out of petrol, so you've got to push it all the way there and back? I think I need a lie down."

"Wa-ha-haaa! Welcome once again to Wario's Warehouse! This week I've had to make extra room for a new tips delivery, so my waste stock has gotta go. (Yes, Waluigi, that includes your collection of cowpats.)

"It all started the other day. There I was, taking Waluigi for his walk along the dockside, when this guy drove up in a white van and dumped a big box in the river. So, like the honest, law-abiding citizen that I am, I got Waluigi to fish it out and lug it home.

"Lo and behold, inside was a bunch of Mario Kart: Super Circuit tips, which I can now offer you at a bargain price. (They're a bit damp, but a few hours on the radiator should fix that.)

"All you have to do is leave the money in a brown envelope outside my door and I'll drop the cheats off at the game page when no-one's looking."

"Oi, Waluigi, don't use the Mario Kart box for your cowpats! Sorry readers, I'm sure the smell will fade..."

"Wa-ha-haaa-ack-heurgh-ack-ack! Sorry about that - picked up a nasty cold. Just look at how red my nose is. So embarrassing!

"I blame having to work over Christmas. Waluigi was supposed to hang around outside the Warehouse ready for our big festive delivery of tips and tricks. I gave him a flask of hot coffee to keep him warm: he thought it was some kind of anti-flu pill and swallowed the entire thing. The IQ of a Christmas tree, that boy.

"So it was up to me to freeze my bristles off and bring the tips in from the cold. Turns out it was a cockle-warming selection of Super Mario Sunshine hints. No surprises there - that dunce Mario always needs all the help he can get. Don't know what Peach sees in him, honestly.

"Anyway. Check out the tips over at the Super Mario Sunshine game page - and don't you dare miss my next delivery next week. Wa-ha-haaack-eeeuuurgh-hack-hack! Ooh, sorry about that. Here, use my handkerchief to wipe it off."

"Wa-ha-ha-haaa! And that's my genuine laugh there, readers, not my evil laugh. I don't spend my whole life shaking my fist and cackling - that's Nintendo and their stinking propaganda for you.

"The warehouse is filling up nicely now - even Waluigi's terrifying stilt-like legs aren't long enough to reach the top of the piles of tips and cheats we've amassed. Maybe I should put him back on the rack for a bit.

"So, we've had a massive infestation of hermit crabs at the warehouse. One of them was sniffing around the basement the other night and got his pincer caught in the fuse box, and the whole place blacked out. Then I heard this horrible wailing. Now, it takes a lot to scare Wario, but this unholy howling had my moustache standing on end.

"Of course, when we got the lights back on, it turned out to be that dunce Waluigi. He'd put his shoes on the wrong way round in the dark and was walking around in unimaginable pain. Which in many ways is actually the scariest thing of all.

"It's suspiciously appropriate, then, that we've taken delivery of some frighteningly good Resident Evil tips this week - tips that we've bunged straight onto the game page for immediate Club Member and VIP 24:7 access. "More next week, or my name isn't Wario. (It is.)"

"Wa-ha-ha-haaa! Ah, laughter really is the best medicine, readers. I've managed to stave off the common cold for years through the gift of laughter: no bright red nose or bloodshot eyes for me! Oh, hang on...

"Anyway. We've had some grief from the authorities this week over our warehouseful of tips and codes. According to the man, you need a license these days to keep a pile of tip-stuffed boxes. Apparently, there's a limit to how high you can stack crates - "Health and safety reasons," was the inspector's explanation. Next they'll be telling me you can't employ chihuahuas as van drivers.

"So Waluigi set about dismantling the 273-metre high stack that we referred to fondly as "Big Mama". I had to wipe away a tear as she was brought down to size, box by beautiful box. And, of course, next thing was a call from the Guinness Book of Records - we can wave goodbye to our entry under "Most Senseless Attempt to Defy Fundamental Laws of Gravity". What a day.

"Still, it wasn't all bad news: at around the 150-metre mark, Waluigi found a boxful of tips for Metroid Fusion - just before the condor he was using to hitch a ride to the top of the pile finally lost its temper and dumped him in the sea. I've stored the tips for you over at the Metroid Fusion game page - because, underneath it all, I've got a heart of gold.

"Now to get Waluigi to finish dismantling Big Mama - crutches or no crutches."

"Wa-ha-ha-haaa! Laugh and the world laughs with you, that's what they say. So, are you laughing? ARE YOU? Hey - calm down there - just a question, just a question.

"So, foxes. Never been a fan. Thought I'd left them far behind after I sold off my chicken coop empire (Wario's Wingery) to pay for this warehouse. Chickens, foxes: really, you can't keep them apart. And it doesn't take long to learn that chickens are absolute rubbish at defending themselves - even after five weeks intensive training from that Karate Kid guy. That didn't come cheap, let me tell you.

"Anyway. Foxes. Here's what they don't tell you on wildlife documentaries because the man's paying them to keep it quiet. Urban foxes are evolving to survive on paper alone. Rifling through waste bins, they were turning up more paper than food - so now they've adapted to make it their main food source. Very fibrous, see - like flat, white, A4-sized, ink-garnished cornflakes.

"So now, of course, I've got wild foxes in every corner of the warehouse, making a meal of my beautiful tips and tricks, then depositing it all in - er, let's say "unreadable" form. Waluigi's been running around with a big net and a juicy mini-dictionary as bait, but those foxes don't half move.

"So, quick, take this stack of Star Fox Adventures tips before it disappears down some canine's gob. And don't worry, we'll be fox-free next week - the grizzly bear I've just let loose in the warehouse should do the job."

"Wa-ha-haaa-haaa! You use half as many muscles laughing as you do frowning, readers. That's why I'm so fat and unfit, see. Possibly.

"Anyway, can't hang around long today, Wario fans. One of the boxes of tips and cheats in this week's delivery came with an unexpected extra: a tiny little man with hair all over his body who can't speak a word of English. Oh, alright, it's a monkey - I'm just trying to keep it quiet from the authorities. They'd have a fit if they knew the new guy overseeing deliveries and stacking the shelves was actually a simian.

"So, gotta rush - when I say he's 'stacking the shelves', I mean 'knocking down the shelves'. And by 'overseeing deliveries', I mean 'punching and biting the delivery guys while emitting a continuous 100-decibel shriek'. Quick, grab these Yoshi's Island: Super Mario Advance 3 tips - and run... RUN!"

"Wa-ha-haaa-haaaa! You've got to laugh, readers, otherwise you'd cry. Actually, it's possible to do both at the same time - as I found out recently when Waluigi asked me if cats grow up to be tigers.

"You learn fast in this business. This week, I discovered that baby crocodiles might turn their noses up at clipping paper together when we've run out of staples - but they're conversely quite happy to fasten themselves nice and tight onto the end of your finger. Funny, the pain actually subsides after a while, usually at about the same time your vision goes blurry and you lose your voice from the near-continuous screaming.

"All credit to Waluigi, though. He found we could loosen the delightful little fellow's grip on my throbbing flesh by gently stroking its back and whispering in its ear. Well, that combined with him and seven delivery guys pulling hard enough to make my eyes water.

"So, Waluigi's in charge of the tips and codes deliveries - starting with this week's Crash Bandicoot XS tips for Game Boy Advance - while I lie here with a bandage on my finger the size of a candy floss. Take care, readers... please... take care."

"Wa-ha-haaa! I'm so happy, I could dance (I would, too, if it wasn't for my tiny feet). This week the warehouse finally started to pay off. I started this business to make a bit of extra pocket money, and I've been saving up for a state-of-the-art home cinema system.

"Unfortunately my meagre expenses couldn't quite stretch to a 64-inch widescreen, surround sound TV/DVD player combo. Instead Waluigi is putting on puppet show versions of famous movies. Tonight it's Die Hard, starring a toilet brush as John McClane, with a special guest appearance by my hat as a helicopter.

"All this action movie malarkey has got me in the mood for some film-based game tips. So if you zip over to the Die Hard: Vendetta page you'll find some top-class codes that will unlock some very peculiar cheats..."

"Wa-ha-haa! I'm not laughing, readers, I'm crying. You see, my hamster Fluffy died. In 1986. But it still hurts to this day. The reason I've been forced to remember was your requests for help on Hamtaro: Ham-Hams Unite!

"So, in honour of Fluffy's passing away, I've decided to take a break from dishing out the tips, tricks and codes to bring you some hamster-themed FAQs.

"You'll find all the answers at the Hamtaro: Ham-Hams Unite! game page. All I ask is that you sign in as a Club Member or VIP. Then follow the trail of little sunflower seeds. Oh Fluffy...boo hoo!"

"Wa-ha-haaa-haaaa! I tell you, readers, I've been having a whale of a time since I took my Nintendo GameCube 'on the line'.

"I've got to admit, the technology's a bit over my head - the most modern bit of kit we've had in the Warehouse up to now is a toasted sandwich maker. But setting up to play Phantasy Star Online over the 'net is simplicity itself, so even Waluigi managed it with only two of the breaks he needs to soothe his throbbing brain.

"Playing online is like living a whole other life. In Phantasy Star Online, I can scamper around forests and caves and smash up monsters with my big sword. In real life, I sometimes have to physically lift my stomach off the floor in order to walk. I've made lots of new friends on the line, too - although I just don't trust the one who calls himself 'Oiram', can't quite put my finger on it...

"Anyway, to this week's Phantasy Star Online tips: delivered straight from my mind, via the combined power of pen and moving wrist. Click over to the game page to swot up on all my best on the line tactics - and don't say I never give you anything, alright?"

"Wario returns! I caught Mario peeking through the keyhole the other day - smacked him in the chops with the door and asked him when he's getting his own weekly Nintendo column. His face went redder than the weeping boil on my thigh!"

"The Warehouse roof is leaking again. This is because Waluigi has made holes in the roof. And this is because Waluigi had a good long think about his pet hamster's cage, and decided that we need airholes just like him to avoid 'having to gasp for air like a mad fish'. His words."

"Now rainwater is pouring into our hard-earned boxes of tips and cheats. So if you were to ask me, 'How do I get past this bit of game so-and-so?', my answer after consulting our extensive tips library would invariably be, 'A rectangular block of slimy grey-blue mush'.

"What's worse, we're right on the flight path of several species of migrating bird - so exhausted sparrows keep dropping out of the sky and into my tea. So, apologies if this batch of The Lord of the Rings: Two Towers cheats contains a panting, sweating bird. Normal service - and my precious roof - will be restored next week."

"Wario rules! Not literally, of course - although I do keep a small boxful of ants in the airing cupboard, and peer in occasionally in the hope they'll worship me as a benevolent deity."

"The warehouse is now so full of boxes of tips and cheats that the walls are bulging. According to an inspector we had sniffing around the other day, if the walls finally give way then the resulting flood of paper will wipe out the entire western seaboard of Europe. I can see the headlines now. You know, "Flood of paper wipes out entire western seaboard of Europe", that sort of thing.

"As a result, we're starting to clear out some of the older tips. I had another patented Wario brainwave - shredded paper makes ideal bedding for hamsters. Of course, I meant we should sell it as bedding to other people - but Waluigi got the wrong end of the stick as usual, and came back from the shops with a paper shredder and a truck full of 7000 hamsters."

"So now I'm having to tiptoe around a warehouseful of snoozing rodents to fetch new cheats - like this batch of Sonic Mega Collection codes. Lucky I've got mesmerisingly tiny feet, eh, readers?"

"I'm-a Wario - I'm-a gonna win! Assuming we're not talking about anything that involves physical exercise, of course."

"So, Waluigi's stuck approximately half a kilometre below the earth's crust. And all because I asked him to check the wash label on his filthy shirt. He didn't think to actually take the shirt off - started spinning around like a dog chasing its tail, and ended up churning his way into the ground like a giant purple drill while I stood and watched with the kind of calm neutrality that I reserve for these special Waluigi moments.

"Around half an hour's rumbling, bits of rock and molten magma stopped being spat out of the hole, and I heard the words, "Ah! Why don't I just take the shirt off to have a look?" echoing up to me from the bottom of a 500m-deep well."

"The plan is for him to use his unnervingly pointed chin as a makeshift pickaxe, allowing him to gradually claw his way back up to civilization. In the meantime, give these The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past tips - maybe you'll have totally finished the game by the time Waluigi's mud-soaked form finally flops back onto the warehouse floor, eh?"

"Wa-ha-haa-haaaaa! Wario returns! From the shops. Just had to pop out for some milk."

"So, the marmosets have invaded. As I warned Waluigi time and time again, this is what happens when you leave carbohydrate-rich tree sap lying around the warehouse. A marmoset is drawn to tree sap like, er, a fridge magnet to, um... a fridge. Now we've been overrun with tiny monkeys. You might as well rename this 'Wario's Marmoset House' and be done with it."

"The thing about marmosets is that they have specially-adapted incisors to gouge holes in trees. To get at the sap, see. Waluigi, I'm looking at you. Anyway, what they don't tell you in the textbooks is that these incisors are also specially adapted for ripping great big holes in my dungarees. They don't sell dungarees in Regal Purple just anywhere, you know - and I refuse to use ugly cloth patches. I care about my appearance!"

"So, job one: get rid of the marmosets. Waluigi's singing should fix that. Job two: buy new dungarees. I'm sure I can 'buy' some from Mario - I think the 'shop' should be 'open' for 'business' around midnight, when he's fast asleep. Heh-heh."

"That thought's cheered me up. Here, take these Resident Evil 0 tips. Oh, no, wait - I was using them to cover up the hole in the dungarees! Oh, the shame."

Hello readers. Sorry there's no 'Wa-ha-haa!' to greet you this time but I'm far too tired. I've been at the hospital all night with Waluigi after a silly stunt went horribly wrong. He was so excited after playing Metroid Prime, he decided to replicate Samus's Morph Ball transformation. Suffice to say, the doctors are still trying to straighten him out now.

Apparently they need a special chiropractor - otherwise my dimwit brother will look permanently like a Danish pastry. So, to make sure no-one else ends up experiencing a similarly twisted fate, today's tips will help those of you stuck on Metroid Prime's trickiest moment - the final boss battle.

Go to the game page and - if you're a Club Member or VIP - find out how to send that big beastie packing. Now, if you'll excuse me, Waluigi wanted me to find the crowbar...

Wa-ha-haaa! I apologise for shouting but I've stuffed my ears with cotton wool because of the infernal noise coming from Waluigi's room. Allow me to explain. Please..?

Last night Waluigi was doing the washing up and the klutz broke my favourite coffee cup (the one with two handles and a spout). He said he knew how to reverse the damage, and retreated into his room.

Hours later he came out covered in dried clay and brandishing a strange object. He then said something like 'Ocarina of Time!', and slammed the door again.

For the past 12 hours I've had to put up with an awful whining that sounds like a cat stuck in a drainpipe. I don't have the heart to tell Waluigi that I've already been to the shops and bought another coffee cup.

So while I'm waiting for him to hyperventilate and pass out, allow me to give you tips for the one and only The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time - available as a limited edition bonus disc with The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker.

Now, I think it's time for a nice cup of coffee...