Hell on Earth

I'm sitting here listening to music. Watching cake wars. Thinking of things to write about. I haven't written in so long and I feel like a lost touch with being able to form coherent thoughts. Maybe i'm just lost. Or maybe I have nothing to say that may help or even begin to explain what I'm going through. I'm not sure I know even what I'm going through. Life has definitely proven to be a roller coaster the past few months. Between boys family and everything in between I'm not sure if I even know how to comprehend what's been going on. Personally I feel done. I don't want to die I don't have the feeling of wanting to disappear but I'm just done. I'm overly exhausted. I'm hurt. And the longer I keep going the more I want to give up. I've been doing things on my own lately and I'm proving to be my worst enemy because I can't get up the courage or the self-esteem to actually be OK with where I am in life. By now I thought that maybe I would be graduated with my first degree. Starting on my career actually looking forward to something. But every morning I wake up I remember I have to go to my crappy job, or sit through four hours of school, talk to people I don't care to communicate with, and desperately wait for the people I do want to talk to to communicate with me first because even though I know they want to talk to me I still feel like a bother. I have no idea what to think anymore. I haven't written in so long and I'm starting to become depressed thinking of how often I use to write and how little I do now. I'm sitting here listening to the rain and it's beautiful and Im thinking of how I could describe every drop in detail not even a year ago and now I have no passion towards something that dictated my life at one point. How is it that only a few short months can take away all the motivation for the thing you loved so dearly. My heart is breaking because I feel as if I'm losing myself. I feel that I haven't given myself enough attention and that I've let everyone around me help. And I'm not saying that helping isn't a good thing but I feel as if I no longer hold my backbone, that everyone around me does. I wish that I could say I was happy where I am right now but I'm not. It's so hard to smile every day, or to pretend I'm okay . Physically I'm fine, I'm healthier than I've ever been, but mentally I'm going insane. Now however sad this sounds to you I have to thank the friends that have stuck around even being like this. I have to thank my family for making sure that I didn't do something stupid. And even though I'm not happy with some of the things in my life I thank myself for waking up every day and not giving up on this thing we call life.

Vance. I met him a few months ago when I took a trip to the Bahamas. What a place to meet someone like this. When I met him I thought, "oh fuck this is gonna be bad." It was. But not in the way you think. He is such a sweetheart. I instantly fell in love with his personality. Such a kindhearted, free spirit. We talked till early morning the first night we met. About so many things. Life, where we wanted to be, where we'd been, just everything. I felt so comfortable around him. Well, now a few months down the road, I'm still finding myself thinking about him at random times. Remembering stupid little things, like how he made fun of something I said because I messed it up. How he helped me through my anxiety attacks. How every time he texts me to this day my stomach does these weird little flips. He doesn't live right next to me, and he sometimes gets caught up in life but hearing from him, even if it's not every day makes me smile. I don't know why I'm telling you this. But I wanted to show him off. He deserves it. It's crazy to think where life takes you when you aren't looking. I thank the universe for meeting him. I don't know where everything is going, and I'm okay if it doesn't at all. It's a blessing to have a person like Him in my life regardless.

Fight me Anxiety

One day I will win. maybe not today. or tomorrow but one day I will wake up and I will win.

I know there are people who understand, and people who don't. so let me break it down. My fight is still continuing, 19 years and counting.

Of course when I was little I didn't understand. and through middle school I still didn't quite catch on. but boy did I ever figure it out in high school. I would listen to people talking, acting like it was so funny, like it was the best thing in the world to have anxiety. They'd high five and laugh and make it such a trend. I hadn't yet put a name to my disease so of course I was wondering what the hell they were talking about. So I researched. And what I found wasn't something to be happy with, or laugh at. It was scary, and I had it. But how do I just go home and say "hey mom, I have anxiety, help me." because frankly my mother thought I was crazy as is. until I went to the hospital because I couldn't catch a single breath one night.

Picture this, a girl who NEVER takes medicine and HATES doctors wakes her mom up one night saying she has to go to the hospital. I have never seen my mom get up so fast. She examined every part of me, asking over and over what was wrong. The thing was is I couldn't talk. I couldn't breathe, I was turning blue. My chest felt like there was four full grown elephants on it. My own body was trembling. I can still see my moms eyes as she grabbed me and drug me to the car and raced me to the hospital. I was the first one in, because a 16 year old clutching her chest and trying to breathe and failing miserably is never a good sign. Test after test I figured out that my heart doesn't beat right, and in the middle of my heart pumping out of beat I had a panic attack. The mixture caused me to have an almost complete loss of breath. Then came therapy.

"what makes you anxious?" Everything. "what do you think triggers your panic?" Everything. "how do you think you can stop it?" No clue. It was like I was supposed to know everything that was happening, isn't this why I was paying you?? I ended up getting prescribed something that could safely catch my anxiety without triggering my depression (which, surprise, surprise, I have too) but after a few weeks of that, I felt it stop working. So I tried something else. Nothing. And something else, Few weeks. Something else, Too expensive. currently I take nothing. And you can tell.

I hate driving with people. I hate starting conversations with people. I hate being in large groups. I don't like to talk to new people. I wake up and puke because my dreams give me anxiety. My life gives me anxiety. I try my hardest not to get panicky but it happens. Just a few weeks ago on my cruise I had a panic attack because we were on a taxi boat in the middle of a rain storm and I watched as our boat climbed to the top of a giant swell. It was instant. Loss of breath, heart racing, crying. And I woke up every morning that week crying because I was just anxious.

Sometimes I am okay, and other times I am not. it comes in waves or doesn't come at all. Sometimes I go days and I feel exceptional, and then BAM out of no where it comes full force and I cant focus on anything but it. Going to work and driving it's the worst.

I want to stop medicating myself though, because I don't like how I feel when I take things. My anxiety gets the better of me, and has been a lot lately. But one day it will come and I will fight back, and I will win. I'm still waiting for that day but I will be victorious.

Discovering Me

I have discovered a few things since being single.

*Not all things are easy.       Especially when they mean something. Things hurt. Its normal to feel pain. Naturally because pain demands to be felt. (thank you john green). Sometimes you have to walk away, because its for the greater good. If you do not feel right, speak up. Don't let things fester. Luckily I did not end things on bad terms, but it could have been so much worse.

*It's Okay to be Okay      Just because it's a sad situation, does not mean you have to dwell on it for the rest of your life. Its okay to wake up with a smile on your face just because. Its okay to laugh a little too loud. It's okay to go out and have fun. There is nothing wrong with that.

*Just because one day is bad doesn't mean they all will be       Have faith. Don't do something you will regret. but live. Actually live. Go do stuff you've never done. And if you have a bad day, that's okay. Because not everyday will be okay. One day you might hear your old song and you spiral down. For me my depression does not go away, but I know when I have good days and overly sad days. I know how to work through it. Remind yourself that tomorrow the sun will still be there. the trees, the animals, your family and friends, all there. wake up the next day because someone is waiting on your call/text.

*you never know unless you try      It's quite an odd feeling when you can breathe still without the person you thought was the air in your lungs. And even more odd when you still see light shining through your window when your sun and moon no longer revolves around him. I enjoy that life is still moving forward. Of course I have my days, don't get me wrong, but wow. its a new sensation entirely.

*Life goes on      It really does. I know the feeling where you think it doesn't, but I'm still here, still breathing, still me and I've had some pretty shitty days. But with one step at a time, everything will be okay.

I never thought that one day I would be waking up alone, and that I would tell myself goodnight. But the world takes some serious turns and you have to watch out and take control of where you're headed. I was not happy where my path was heading and I changed that. Yes I am sad, because I never saw my "always" getting cut short. however, C'est La Vie, my friends. I have to become a stronger person, for myself and for my future. I'm going to make this life the best I can. I'm moving forward because I know I have the will power to. And that's more than I can say about myself a few weeks ago.

I Hurt Too

Life, the life we live, the life we walk through every day. It changes, you change, I changed. Or grew I guess. This past week, it has been the hardest of my life. I made a decision that will either haunt me until I am no longer who I am, or it will make me a stronger person for the future.

Two and a half years ago I met a wonderful man, he helped me through a very difficult time in my life. I did not want to be alive, and he gave me something to live for. For two years I have been in a loving, caring relationship. But we wanted different things. We both wanted the others love, but our life paths didn't seem to match up quite right. And that is neither of our faults. Life sometimes takes its turns, and sometimes you cant keep up. And that is nothing to be worried about. A few days ago I decided that for the two of us to be happy, truly happy, with our life decisions we needed to go our separate ways. I know some people will not understand, and they will call me selfish. Because truly, this is my fault. I cannot handle being a milso. I cannot handle the life that comes with the military. And I apologize from the very bottom of my heart. I know that he will be going through hell, and that hurts me. but I also know that that I will be alone for parts of my life that will require another person, and I will not ask him to not go. I will not tell him to stay here so that I can be happy. We talked for hours, and I came to the conclusion that I am not a strong person, and I am not who he needs for this journey of his life. I will only bring him down and he does not deserve that. I love him to the bottom of my heart but I am not prepared to have one of us grow to resent the other. I refuse that.

I need to learn to love myself, to bring myself back up from falling down. I hope that I am making the right decision, because I hurt from this too. I have to take life one step at a time. I am thinking about changing my major now, because I don't need the one I'm going for. I did it because it was easy to travel with. But its not what I wanted. I want to be a teacher or study art. I want to start my own business. I think I'm going to get a second job, because I have the time to. and personally, I need the money. bad. I am hoping that everything will work itself out. And I think to myself, if things were meant to be, they will happen. I cannot force myself to be happy with something I am not. I have been trying my hardest to be the perfect supportive girlfriend, but I terribly failed. I'm proud of him, but I am really tired of being sad. And don't get me wrong, I am sad right now, but who wouldn't be ending a two year+ relationship and watching their significant other cry to them. I am tearing my heart out to hopefully find what I want to do in this thing called life. I am terrified for the road ahead, because I know myself emotionally. and I am hoping I can get through this without any harm to myself or the ones around me.

I am sorry for disappointing anyone, I am sorry for hurting anyone. I am sorry that I am not strong enough. But I am trying, I believe what I am doing is right. I believe that I will gain from this and he will as well. I believe in myself. in life. its time to start a chapter of my own. on my own.

First Day Back

Anxiety definitely tried to get the best of me today. However, I surprisingly talked in two of my classes and I found that I have a friend in every day class I take. I have one more class and I am hoping for the best.

I take one professor twice in a day so I'm hoping I enjoy his class enough not to be terribly bored by the second class. My English professor seems nice, however only time will tell. I am pretty terrible at English so we'll see.

Astronomy is my night class, I am very excited for that. I have always wanted to be an astronomer, but I never found it to be all that practical. Maybe I'll look into it again.

There's not much to say today, have a wonderful evening.

I Guess We'll Find Out

There are things in this life that aren't fair. There are also things in this life that don't make sense. I keep telling myself everything will work itself out, things will be okay. But I have zero confidence that my words are true.

Let me start by explaining who I am. I'm Brittany. I am an average girl who stands 5'3" and weighs more than I like. I have blonde hair and blue eyes and to my friends and family I am "smart and outgoing". However I am topped off with depression, anxiety, and a little bit OCD. I cannot think straight two thirds of the time and I am always looking for a new way to get someone to tell me that I am doing right in this world.

I have a large family and It just keeps growing. I have a wonderful boyfriend of two years on Friday. He has truly been my savior in more ways than one. I go to college at PHSC studying business for now, and nursing after that (hopefully). I watch Lets Make a Deal at ten every morning and Ellen every day at three.

I am starting this to basically get out everything inside my head. I am going to try to write everyday because god knows I have stuff to say every day. I apologize if offend anyone by what I write.

I hope you all have a good day.