It really is wild to me how my nightowl ADHD brain overrules literally anything else.

Not enough sleep the night before? It's cool, been there done that. Who needs sleep anyway?

Woke up early? Sucks to be you fam, we're not gonna crash until after 1am.

But I'm sick, that's gotta count for something. Only if you don't take any sinus medication and let yourself be miserable so you can't sleep. Oh you're medicated and not feeling miserable? Awesome, time to Do Stuff.

I straight up took NyQuil! It's supposed to knock me out! Lmao you have no power here.

With ADHD, we talk a lot about how hard it is to initiate a task, but we don’t talk nearly as much about how hard it is to also STOP doing a task.

Me: I don’t REALLY have ADHD… I’m a fake, a fraud, an imposter. I’m actually just suffering from unrealistic cultural expectations on adult women to “do it all” and the demands of late stage capitalism.

Also Me: I just found my credit card after losing it for 7 months. It was in the trunk of my car. Oop, I just lost it again… I’m sure it’s here somewhere…

As an ADHD person, I’d rather either be EXACTLY on time or late, because being early, even by a few minutes, feels like slow death as you have to wait for the appointment to start....

When the anxiety of immediate deadlines begins to wane as you finally begin to handle all the time sensitive Things, and you start to get that false sense of security of safety and want to stop doing stuff...

But I know that’s my time blindness talking; where if it’s not immediately imminent in my future, then I ignore it.

Forcing myself to stick with it and try to get things done BEFORE they’re due.

ADHD: when the decision paralysis pins you down long enough for the unhealthy hyperfixation to possess your body and next thing you know it’s 7 hours later with nothing to show for it.

There are some days, where even with the meds, I feel like the ADHD wins.

Things I planned to do today:

-laundry while watching Stranger Things

-do some personal writing (fanfiction, self-reflection)

-take a nap (deserved)

-food prep for the week (3rd week of failing this goal btw, lol)

-working on a report for work (it’s my day off but I’m actually interested in it, don’t judge me!)

-Shower (I DID THIS ONE! YAY!)

Instead, I ended up:

Spending all of my waking hours of uninterrupted, invaluable child-free time getting lost down the rabbit hole of research for what it would take to eventually become self-employed in my field of expertise to the point of feeling overwhelmed so that I am now too mentally drained for the rest of the day.

Fingers crossed I can somehow get my night-time second wind later and do some of those things after my parenting duties are fulfilled and my kid is asleep.

ADHD Things: Either having no interest in a book, or too much interest in a book.  There is no in between.

ADHD Things: having multiple tabs open of the same website.

Knowing I’m exhausted and should go to sleep but I also need to finish this Important Thing, so instead I’m going to sit here, exhausted, bleary-eyed, feeling that familiar hum of anxiety as I peruse the internet as if I’ll magically find my motivation there.

Best ADHD Moment

Alrighty, fellow ADHD peeps.  What has been your best ADHD moment today?

For me, it was putting on my nightgown and not realizing until an hour and half later that I still had my work pants on.

Lack of time awareness is a bitch.

My day is half gone and I don’t know where it went. I don’t have much to show for it, and I still have so much to do today before going back to work tomorrow.

The amount of times I’ve caught myself today getting mentally sidetracked is too damn high.  It’s like having to constantly pull a toddler back to task.

So like... I notice that I tend to ramble a lot; I give long-winded answers, telling long stories before circling back to the point.  Even on the ADHD Reddit communities that I’m on, I keep noticing how much I’ve typed in my responses to people’s questions, etc.

Anyone else with ADHD do this??

I definitely notice more large paragraph chunks in the comments section of the ADHD communities, so I feel somewhat relieved, like there’s people I can relate to... but half the time, my responses are still like 2x longer because I’m including my experiences and background knowledge.

I feel like this is why people zone out so often when I try to talk to them about interesting things...

Started Concerta (18mg) - My Timeline So Far

Day 1 - felt the effects shortly after taking it in the morning. I felt calm. Relieved. The anxiety was gone. I was stunned. So happy! It lasted until about mid-afternoon, and then I noticed the shift instantly when it likely wore off (it’s a low dose). Racing heart, jittery, disorganized thoughts. Making dinner took forever because I was all over the place. How did I function like this my whole life?? Couldn’t fall asleep until 2am due to hyperfixation on Reddit (dopamine seeking).

Day 2 - had no effect; I was a ball of anxiety and moodiness, felt frustrated it wasn’t working like the day before. But this was also a very busy and stressful workday and I was already trying to function on a sleep deficit. (As a side note, this also may have been hormonal - I get one bad “doom and gloom” PMS day before my cycle starts.) once again, couldn’t fall asleep until after 2am (Reddit again).

Day 3 - it worked better than day 2. Had a relatively good work day. I could tell my communication was better, my demeanor calmer. I wasn’t talking as fast, etc. started to wear off at around 1pm, and then I was all over the place again, my usual ADHD mess of a self (also, still dealing with some work stress, and had a lot of environmental distractions that I was struggling with since I worked from home). Didn’t fall asleep until after 3am because I hyperfixated on a book I’m reading even though I knew I’d have to get up early for a social event the next day. ( I skipped to the end and read the last 4 chapters cuz I HAD TO KNOW if the characters got together in the end - dopamine reward was taking too long!)

Day 4 - super exhausted now of course because of my awful sleep schedule. But took my meds and the usual - it helped, but only a little bit today. Managed to focus on my kiddo today, and cleaned the house a little (although that part took twice as long since by now the meds pretty much wore off). Went to bed a little earlier - 1:30am, which is an improvement, but not great.

Day 5 - Not feeling the effects as much today, but once again could be partially influenced by stress and lack of sleep.  Or, my body is adjusting to the dosage, and maybe I’ll need a stronger dose so it can be more effective.  But today I’m noticing how often my thoughts get distracted or derailed, I noticed how I rambled to my therapist today during our session.  I keep catching myself, and having to consciously pull myself back to task.

So, just keeping an eye on it, but I’m pretty sure I’m going to need a higher dose or a different medication.

Hello, There!

Welcome to my (unfiltered) blog about my ADHD journey. I was recently diagnosed as an adult, and it’s been such an eye-opening experience for me.  So of course, now I’m going to hyperfixate on this topic as I go down the rabbit hole of this disorder.  Thus, the purpose of this blog is to have a single place for me to dump it all.

Just so you know, there will likely be inconsistent posting, rambling, amusing observations, and maybe the occasional meme.

That’s about it.  Have fun, folks.