Four stages of a 9am lecture

Whenever i go running i meet new people, like paramedics

Happy 25th birthday ikea, here's your cake

With how bad the water is, why not drink the gas, it's cheaper, and even unleaded

If you became stranded on a desert island and could only have one book with you, which book would it be? How to build a raft

Boss makes a dollar, i make a dime, thats why i poop on company time

Every cigarette takes 7 minutes from your lifespan, and gives it to keith richards

Not sure if my girlfriend's going to leave me because she thinks i have a gambling problem or if she's just bluffing

Amith Mandavilli, i am not amith, i am a legend

If you love someone, set them free, if you hate someone set them free, basically set everyone free and get a dog, people are stupid

I can't remember if i took my malaria pills this morning, if i were a girl i'd be pregnant a lot

Lord vader, an escape pod was jettisoned during the fighting, should we search for survivors on tatooine, no i dont like sand it's coarse and rough and get everywhere

My wife is a muslim and not a terrorist but i'm scared of her anyway

During a disaster we evacuate women and children first, so we can think about a solution in silence

How british people shower, the same as you, you idiot, we get nice and wet, then we get the teabags

Will will smith smith? yes, will smith will smith

I am your father's brothers nephew's cousin's former roommate