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until-the-joy-drops-again · 4 years

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Phone call (chapter 1)

I had that itch. That itch that drives you completely insane because it’s not physical, so you cant scratch it. It’s the one that starts in the back of your brain and travels down to your stomach. That itch of the past you just cant relieve.

I thought about her a lot. How could I not? She was imprinted on my soul. The one that “got away,” because I’m a stupid fool and instead of trying to cross the distance of time to get her back, I just let more time get I the way. Making it worse and worse…

Just then, my phone rang. I glanced down and almost choked on my beer. Delaware?!?! There was no way… I just stared at the phone, not knowing if I could actually answer it or not. Luckily, my heart took over, grabbed the phone and hit the talk button.

“Hello?”

“Adam! It’s trevor walker.”

I let out a sigh of relief and disappointment all at once, “oh hey man, what’s up?”

“Adrien said you’re in LA?”

“Uh, yeah…. yeah, bands on break for a little while, I’m home-” he cut me off.

“Good! We got you a flight out tomorrow morning, we’ll pick you up in philly tomorrow evening! We have band practice Wednesday at 3pm.”

I waited a beat for him to go on, but we both know he didnt need to.

“Trev i–,” but he cut me off again.

“Delta, flight 752, leaves at 10:05, concourse d, better get there by 6…and she doesnt know we did this… see you tomorrow!” And the line cut out.

I pulled my phone away from my ear and stared at it for a minute. Obviously I wasnt going to go, i had heard she had gotten married about 18 months ago (why did i know that’s how long it had been?) So… could i go back to being “just” friends? I mean, we had ALWAYS been “just” friends but…

The pain in my chest made me physically grab at it as I doubled over, dropping my phone. I felt tears stinging my eyes and had to gasp for air. The pain was incredible as I realized part of my brain had grasped onto the hope of seeing her again. I tried to take a slow deep breath but it shuttered in my lungs. I found myself rocking as I tried to calm myself down

There was nothing left I could do about her. The time and distance had grown too big. There was no hope left.

My phone pinged with a text message. I looked at it, it was trevor… I opened it and it was a link to s webpage. Confused, I pushed it and it took me to the local delaware page, to the divorce announcements. I frowned as I glanced over the page till my eyes fell on her name. I gasped. She got divorced! I looked at the top of the page, it was 4 months old.

I just sat there, my mind racing… trevor and those guys were a lot of things, but they never fucked around. If they were calling, getting a plane ticket and texting… I knew it was my best chance to fix this.

I absentmindedly stood up and started pacing around the room. I tossed my phone back on the couch and ran my hands over my head and neck, trying to help my brain put my thoughts in some sort of order.

Why didnt she know- but I knew the answer. Cause I’m a fucking moron and they weren’t going to put her through anything else if I didnt show. And although that realization stabbed at my heart, it gave me a sliver of hope, that she might care if I didnt show…

My brain fucked with me then and somehow made me smell her then, for half a second. The smell of lavendar mixed with a little menthol cigarette smoke and sandalwood. The pang of longing I felt made me clutch at my stomach. And I turned towards my bedroom and started throwing shit in my carry on bag.

A vision of her face floated in front of my eyes. I still remembered every detail of her face, and then I focused on her eyes. I shut my eyes to bring the memory into clearer focus. Those beautiful hazel eyes. Before I knew what I was doing I was rushing back out to the livingroom and grabbing my phone. With shaking hands it took me a few tries to get into my music writing app and copy the right file. I pulled up trevor’s text message, attached the file and hit send before I could second guess myself. I tossed the phone back on the couch but immediately picked it back up. I pushed some more buttons and then her face was ACTUALLY in front of me.

It was my absolutely most favorite picture I had ever owned. To the point of it being creepy, I laughed at myself. I had to saved probably 100 times in different places so I would always have it. We were younger in the photo, taken in New York during one of my tours about 4 years ago. We were walking back to the hotel, it must have been like four o'clock in the morning. Adrien had had his camera on him and wanted to get a photo of us in a crosswalk. We all thought he was an idiot… I smiled at the memory.

We had all been drinking, but we weren’t hammered. We definitely shouldn’t have driven a car, but we weren’t staggering around and slurring… adrien was hoping around us trying to convince us to stand in the crosswalk. “Dude, do you WANT us to die?” She had asked him, laughing.

“Itll be quick! Look, there is barely any traffic or people… itll be perfect!”

“So we are all just going to..what? Like abbey road it?” I had asked, the vision of it made me laugh.

“No, just you two,” he pointed at her and I, he had said it so matter of fact it caught me off guard. I turned to him, but he had already turned his attention to her, grabbing at her sleeve, hoping up and down again.

She burst out laughing, it was so easy and so pure and happy it made me smile.

“Okay…okay!!!!” She yelled at him, smiling, before she turned to me.

My stomach clenched as I remembered her turning to me then. She was just so God dammed beautiful, it was like she was just floating there on the street, the way she turned her whole body towards me so she was walking backwards down the street. Her mane of blonde hair bouncing as she moved, the sparkle of light and mischief in her eyes…she just took my breathe away. All I could do was nod at her.

“Yes!!!” Adrien jumped into the air and pumped his fist. “Ok, will the rest of you block any people from walking through? I’ll set my camera up now so it can be quick. He started fussing with it as we walked. He took a few practise shots of the traffic, adjusting before taking another one. Finally he looked up, "perfect! Let’s go!”

Adrien looked around him as we walked, he looked up at the street signs and pointed to our right, “this way!” He stopped at the crosswalk.

“So, this one?” She asked him as we all waited for the light to change.

“No, I want a little more traffic, we will go up a few streets…” so we did. Finally Adrien said, “this one!” And startedbouncing on the balls of his feet.

“So,how should we pose?” I looked down at her standing next to me.

“Let’s see where the moment takes us,” she smiled with her whole body, taking my arm.

There was still some traffic on this street as our light changed. Cars lined up behind the crosswalk and Sam, Dan and Paul ran out into the street to block any pedestrians crossing towards us. Adrien darted out into the empty right side of the street and crouched down as she pulled me into the crosswalk.

God she was really gorgeous. I laughed at her and grabbed her arm and spun her like a ballerina as I heard her laugh. I caught her with my right arm around her waist and my left hand between her shoulder blades. And I dipped us.

I felt her left leg come up to my hip as I leaned us both down. Her face just inches from mine, her hair falling back and downwards, covering my left hand. She was still laughing but when our eyes met her laugh softened, her eyes sparkled even more. I smiled at her, an easy smile I had no control over. I moved my face just a little closer and I saw the desire in her eyes as she quickly glanced at my lips. Our noses were just about to touch when…

“Yes!!!! Oh my God yes!!! That was AMAZING!”

Scared the hell out of me and I almost dropped her as I turned to look at him completely surprised.i had totally forgotten what we were actually doing. I looked back at her as I helped her up, I heard a car horn and saw our light was changing. I gave her a small push and we ran the rest of the way across the street.

As I looked at the photo in my livingroom, it really was “AMAZING.” The headlights of the cars behind us made us glow almost, everything else was dark. He had taken it right st the moment when I was going to kiss her. Our faces close together, our smiles were loose and full. Her leg cocked up, her knee on my hip, her hair tumbling down behind her. I didnt look to bad either, holding her up and bending over her.

I kicked myself, if I had just fucking kissed her…if not right then, then later that night…or any time in the next 3 months, before my agent came at me with the marriage proposal… but I never did… and now, here I am, in this empty condo, trying to put my life back together after my idiotic ideas i had to get famous.

How the fuck was I supposed to sleep tonight?

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until-the-joy-drops-again · 6 years

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She Will Be Loved

We sat, wrapped up in each other, on the couch for awhile, enjoying the feel of each other, and the quiet.

"What made you finally come home?"

Her head was resting over my heart, her fingers tracing small circles on my chest. I knew this question was coming, I had known it from the moment I hung up with Trevor the other day... but I still didnt know how to answer it.

"Honestly? Because I just found out you were divorced."

Her hand stopped tracing circles on my chest but I knew it would. I knew how much if an asshole remark that was, but it was the truth.

"I had planned to come back to you once I finished my marriage contract. It took a lot longer than I had realized. But trevor had called me and told me you were getting married yourself... after everything that I had done to you... I couldn't fuck that up for you too... and I would have," I took a hold of her shoulders and lifted her off my chest so I could look at her.

"I thought about you every second of every day since I left. I dreamed of being here with you, like this every night. If I had come back... I never would have lasted treating you as a married woman, and somehow, it would have turned bad."

I saw she understood. There was no doubt she would. We honestly never had "just" a friendship... we had basically been together our entire time weve known each other... nothing super physical, but we were always flirting and touching...

"We have to do everything the hard way, dont we?" She asked as she laid her head back down on my chest.

"We dont know how to do it any other way."

A few seconds later, I felt her yawn and realized how tired I was too... and how late it really was

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until-the-joy-drops-again · 6 years

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One (More) Night

We sat out on the car for awhile...not saying anything...lost in our own thoughts... I soaked in every single second I had her curled up next to me... but it was inevitable that we would have to go back inside...

"I suppose..." she did finally murmur.

"I know... just give me one more minute with you..." I nuzzled her hair, taking another deep breath and breathing her in.

She tightened her grip on me, "the sooner we go in, the sooner we can kick them all out..."

I laughed and I felt it with my entire body. God she was amazing! I grabbed her and kissed her hair, she moved her head so I could kiss her forehead, then her cheek until her lips found mine. I felt sparks, lightning shot through my veins, her touch was electric, her lips were perfect, her body felt like it was made to next to mine.

She pulled away from me slightly, a smile on her lips, "those bastards deserve to know their plan turned out ok."

I couldn't help but chuckle, " yeah, I suppose they do." But I didnt loosen my grip on her.

She got the wickedest look in her eyes then. She leaned in like she was going to kiss me again, my grip on her automatically loosened. Getting ready to grip new areas of her body when-

She jumped back, off the car completely and paused just long enough to meet my totally shocked gaze with twinkling smirk and then took off running to the door.

I lept off the car and took off after her, with her head start she got to the door first and threw it open, but I was just a second behind her. We burst into the house in the middle of Adrien singing. She paused for half a second so she wouldn't run straight into him, and it was just enough for me to catch her.

I grabbed her waist and spun her around to face me, and lifted her off the ground. I spun around in a circle, making her laugh. And even though I could barely hear it over them music, it was one of the greatest sounds I had ever heard in my life.

I loosened my grip on her she slid down towards me. I was still spinning her and she was still laughing. I slid her down until she was at eye level with me and stopped spinning. I kissed her, I felt her hands come up and take my face, pulling me closer to her lips. I was totally lost in her.

I felt her giggle in my arms and it made me smile. I opened my eyes to see her staring back at me. There was so much sparkling in her eyes as she looked at me, the heat, the love, I could FEEL it. I gently set her back on the ground and we both realized we were in the way. She took my hand and we moved towards the couch where Sam had been sitting but motioned for us to take his spot as he stood up and moved off to the side.

I sat down first and pulled her down, wrapping my one arm around her shoulders and the other across her stomach. She snuggled into me, her head laying on my shoulder, her arms going around my waist.

I couldn't stop smiling. I was so happy just sitting there with her.... and with all our old, and new, friends. I looked around the room and realized there were quite a few new faces, and a lot of faces I hadnt seen in a very long time, but even so, each and every face held a smile when i made eye contact. I knew i needed to to make my rounds and reconnect with everyone.... but I just wasnt ready to let go of her yet.

A few minutes later, Adrien finished his song and called an end to the "band practice." As the guys started breaking down equipment, those with nothing to do all started to gather around us on the couch.

We talked and laughed and caught up over the next two hours. The entire time I couldn't get over how wonderful it all felt, being home again. Besides my band mates, these people were my family, and I had forgotten how much they fed my soul. It made it even better having her sitting with me, talking and laughing, teasing. Every second that past healed a part of me that I hadnt even realized was damaged.

Finally Seth caught a small pause in the flurry of conversation, "it's getting late, we should probably let these two have the rest of the night to themselves."

"Better not forget anything," Adrien piped up, "these two wont resurface for years," he smiled at the two of us as everyone started to stand up.

She and I stood up too. I finally had to break my hold on her as I clasped hands and exchanged hugs as we said goodbye. I thanked every single one of them as they left. Soon there was no one left in the house except her and I.

I stepped back from the door as she waved and shut it behind everyone, then she turned towards me. I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her to me. I felt her let out a sigh as I buried my face in her hair. We just stood like that for a little while before she pulled back a little. She took my hand and led me back over to the couch.

I sat down sideways and pulled her down next to me. She turned so she sat half facing me, half leaning into me. I wrapped my arms back around her and pulled her close, she leaned her head on my chest.

I stroked her hair, "talk to me." I knew she would know what I meant, that I had talked all night and gotten a lot off my chest, but now it was her turn. I knew it wouldn't be easy to hear, but I didnt have the luxury of not hearing it. She sighed again, but this time it was staggered and tense.

"I lost a big piece of me when you left," she kept her head on my chest, not looking at me.

"I thought I had done something wrong... and that hurt a lot... not knowing why you walked out...I mean NOW I get it," she pushed off of me and leaned back to look at me. She studied my face for a few seconds then looked away again.

"You have always been the one person-the ONLY person I never had a filter for. You were my best friend, an extension of myself, the person I could always talk to... and then... you weren't there anymore..." she glanced at me out of the corner of her eye for just a second before staring back at the floor.

I gripped her with my hands, I wanted to hold her but I knew that, at that moment, i couldn't. I needed to let her do her no matter how badly I wanted to intervene.

"Adam," she sighed again and turned to look at me, I saw her eyes glistening with tears, breaking my heart.

"After awhile...I hated you..." she sniffled as she blinked back tears, "it felt like the worst breakup of my life, and I didnt even know why...." finally a tear slipped down her face but she quickly and angrily wiped it away, frowning slightly at herself.

"I had a lot of pain I had no way of handling... was it me? Was it you? What did I do to deserve being completely abandoned by MY person?"

I couldn't stand it anymore and I went to hold her, to try and shield her from the thoughts running through her head. To try and help carry the pain she was digging back out after burying it so well. But she put her hand on my chest and physically stopped me from scooping her into me. And I felt her hand pushing my heart back, her nails digging into it, I felt it twisting in my stomach, I felt it squeazing all the air it out of my lungs.

I looked at her eyes and saw it all. i saw the anger, I saw the confusion she had to turn into hate to be able to move past it. Then, suddenly, her image became blurry and I realized I was fighting back my own tears. I took a breath to say I was sorry but I stopped myself and it killed me... but I had to let her go...

After a few seconds, her eyes softened and her body started to relax. Her shoulders lowered, and the hand that was still planted firmly on my chest drew back. She ran it up to my face and cupped my cheek, rubbing it with her thumb.

"What do you want from me?" I asked, searching the depths of her eyes.

"I want you to understand that I'm not mad now, but I have a lot of hurt I need to re-evaluate so please let me take my time on it."

I nodded as I felt her back relax under my hand and I very lightly applied a little pressure to it... this time she let me pull her in. I wrapped her up and I felt her arms go around me and pull me towards her. I rested my cheek on the top of her head.

"I will do everything in the universe I can to show you how sorry I am that I ever made you feel even an ounce of what i made you feel."

Her head turned upwards to look at me, "I know you are, I know you didnt mean for it to happen, I just have a lot of bricks I need to pick up from the wall that was just knocked down in my head."

I smirked at her, "well lucky for you, you have a big muscled man to help," I let go of her for only a second while I flexed for her, hoping she would laugh.

"You're such a dork," but she was giggling.

I wrapped my arms back around her and nuzzled her face, "that's 100% accurate... but I'm YOUR dork."

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until-the-joy-drops-again · 6 years

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And I am glad I didnt. Shit just got nasty and you didnt need to be dragged down with it... and then it just took soooo long and..." I paused trying to find words, my hands unintentionally grabbing hold of her thighs as I tried desperately to put words to everything.

She touched my face and everything went away. I looked at her looking at me, her face open like my diary, just waiting patiently for me to fill it. My breath shuttered suddenly.

"Adam..." She cupped my face and I leaned into her hand, "you dont have to rush," she smiled at me, "we can have all the time in the world now."

I love her, was the only thought filling my head. This incredible woman in front of me. This woman who so easily took all my flaws, all my demons and stupidity, and embraced them. How could I EVER be good enough for her? Good enough TO her.

She guided my face down to hers and our lips met. Softly, gently and my mind emptied. I felt a warmth in my soul that I had never felt before. A longing in my body to never stop this, to never stop holding on to her. I kissed her deeply, passionately, trying to memorize the feel of her lips. I move my hands up her thighs, passed her waist, and wrapped my arms around her and I felt her arms doing the same to me.

I stepped closer into her until there was no space left between us. I could feel her breath on my face, her body rising and falling as she breathed. My hands were firm on her back, holding her to me. I felt her hands come up and take my face and she pulled back just enough to make our foreheads touch. She looked up at my through her long lashes. My hands finally gripped on to the back of her shoulders.

"These past few years killed me," I started and she started to shake her head, "no, please, let me do this... I want you to know, I NEED you to know...I'm sorry if its selfish, I know it is, but..."

She moved her head back to look at me, her face relaxed, open, ready for whatever I said. She moved her hands, one went and wrapped around my arm, taking a firm hold on the back of my bicep, her other moved up. She stroked my face, then ran her hand down behind my ear, down my neck, and placed it on the back of my shoulder. It was silly I'm sure, but I felt like she HAD me, that she would guard me against anything and everything. That I was finally home, safe, and happy.

"I took you for granted," I had no idea where that came from, somewhere deep inside of me, but as I spoke it I felt the truth in my words. "I got greedy and stupid and drunk off the fame... and I never stopped to think when my agent came to me with the marriage proposal... the ONLY thing I saw was this next level of fame and money and... i didnt think how it would change everything... i just thought of it as a piece of paper, as MORE camera flashes ..." I stroked her face, I felt broken again...

She reacted to me, pulling me into her, cupping my face again with her right hand, rubbed her thumb on the skin by my eye, "Adam, I know...I know the fame is addicting, and I understand your thinking. You wanted this for so long, you fought so hard for it, every day of your life. And then suddenly this golden ticket was dropped in your lap. I never doubted for a moment that you should take it. It was your dream... and you're a boy," she laughed, "you guys never think in small print."

The more she understood, the worse I felt... the dumber I felt, staying away for so long.

"Adam," she brought me back, "the timing was wrong, for BOTH of us... if you would have called or popped back up... I think everything still could have ended badly... whether it BE a celebrity scandal or if it would have been a town scandal for me and my relationship... I fell for you SO HARD somewhere along the way...I couldn't have fought what I felt for you... and we both would have done something...rash..." now it was her time to be searching for the right words.

I wanted to help her but I couldn't speak, my brain was too busy digesting what she had just said. She was right... and I felt all the weight of the guilt I had been carrying, slip away... I felt lighter, freer.. I smiled at her, taking a step back then hoping onto the trunk next to her. I gathered her in my arms and leaned back so we were laying on the back window.

She snuggled into my shoulder, laying her arm over me, her hand on my chest. I breathed in my first, real, full, easy breathe in a long time, inhaling this moment, the smell of her, the FEEL of her... and I felt amazing.

I rested my cheek on the top of her head, relishing in the tickle of her hair on my nose. "God I missed you," I breathed into her hair. She grabbed onto me tighter.

We laid there, lost in our own thoughts for what felt like forever, and no time at all. Until I felt her shuffle herself, I loosened my hold on her so she could turn and rest up on her elbow to look at me. We held each others gaze for awhile before she spoke.

"It was hard Adam...having you just... GONE." She paused but her gaze never faltered. "I dont think I really realized HOW hard it was till just now."

I brought my elbow up under me but kept my hands wrapped around her. I opened my mouth but she continued for I could get any sound out.

"Please....don't..." she finally dropped her gaze.

I sat bolt upright in a instant and grabbed her, hauling her into my lap awkwardly. I shifted so she sat sideways, in between my legs. My arms supporting her, holding her, grasping her. "I'm never going to let you go." I nuzzled her cheek with my nose. "Ever... I took you for granted before, now I know what you mean, what you ARE to me. You are my world, my air, my water, my LIFE... I'll never EVER not understand that EVER again... fuck fame," I chuckled, "my entire life, all i wanted... was you."

She turned her face into mine, rubbed her nose against mine and found my lips. I drank her thirstily. Our hands were moving everywhere, faces, arms, back, shoulders, hair, necks, legs. But neither one of us pushed it farther. Dont get me wrong, I needed her right then, right there, on the street. But my heart needed her more.

Our kisses got messier, the need to breathe getting in our way. Our mouths all over each others, tasting, nibbling, sucking until I needed to feel her against me and I grabbed her, hugged her SO hard, panting into her hair. My hands rubbing at her face and neck and shoulders.

"You're a dick."

I burst out laughing, that was her go to saying when she knew she should be pissed at me, but she really wasnt, and hugged her harder, "I know." I rocked her as I felt her arms tighten around me too.

"So....now what?" Her voice was muffled by my arms. I moved so I could really look at her, I turned her to face me and I took her face, gently, in my hands. Our noses touched as I looked her square in the eyes.

"Now we live the rest of our lives."

I led her by the hand outside but even with the door shut, the music was too loud. I nodded to Paul’s car parked across the street. We walked over to it and she immediately jumped up and sat on the trunk. I stepped between her legs and took her face in my hands. Her eyes met mine and I blurted out.

“My God, you are the most beautiful creature I’ve ever seen.”

She shyly dropped her gaze away from me but I moved her face and ducked my head down to find her again, “I’m so sorry. I dont think I will ever be able to tell you exactly how sorry I am. Or if I will ever be able to show you… but please… give me the chance to try.” That hadnt been what I meant to say at all but the words were just coming out.

“That night I was here…the only thing I wanted was you, but I couldn’t do that to you. I couldn’t drag you through that shit I dug myself into

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until-the-joy-drops-again · 6 years

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It was Always You 1

*I was listening to this song and just REALLY wanted to write a story behind it... and it has since spiralled out of control lol.. I hope you like it*

Watching her singing, dancing around the room, her face relaxed and happy, the guilt hit me like a punch to the stomach. The realization of how selfish I was about to be took over every fiber of my being. For fuck sake Adam, its not like you just went away for the weekend... you walked out on her TWO FUCKING YEARS ago! Look at the life she has built for herself since then, look at how happy she is ...

As if she were reading my mind, she turned and smiled at me, singing the last of her lyrics but I didnt hear the words. Her beautiful hazel eyes were shining, her smile was easy, honest, true... what the fuck was I doing?

"Dude, dont you FUCKING dare."

I turned to the voice next to me, Adrien was staring at me, frowning. I started to open my mouth but he cut me off.

"Do you not see how she looks at you? How she smiles at you? She sure as fuck doesnt look like that for anyone else....you guys make each other happy and you both deserve that."

"But it's been two years-"

He cut me off, "you're here NOW."

I looked back out at her. I heard her song winding down and my guts twisted. My confidence cracked and the fear set in... would she understand why I did what I did? Fuck, would she even CARE to hear why? This past week this moment has been all I could think about, running EVERY possible outcome through, trying to find the perfect words, the perfect gestures, the perfect everything to make these past two years disappear. To get her to give me a chance to explain. It had all seemed so easy... but now... with her right here in front of me, it seemed impossible. What was I doing?

The music suddenly ended, and had I not been drowning in my own fear over what was coming, I would have laughed, The second the music stopped, everyone scattered back to the walls, leaving only her and I in the middle of the floor. She had turned to me again and smiled, I tried to smile back but I know it didnt work. She frowned ever so slightly and said my name, confusion and concern on her face, before she realized we were suddenly all alone. Her eyebrows furrowed together as she turned to look around her and I had to look away. She had a few more lines on her face now, but i still knew every single one of them by heart. I had never forgotten every inch of her, the way she squinted her eyes when she smiled with her whole soul, the way her nose crinkled up when she got fake angry at being teased, that spark in her eye when she talked to me. It all came rushing back, stabbing me like a knife. I tried to take a deep breath but it staggered as I knew there was no way out but forward... but I couldn't look at her... I cleared my throat in the silence that had overtaken the house.

"I, uh, wrote a new song..." it took all of my strength to turn and look at her again, "for you." I met her gaze and involuntary winced when her eyes got bigger, looking at me, confused and... scared? And she took a hesitant step towards me. Then Tom started the music on his keyboard and she, thankfully, looked at him. I dropped my gaze to the floor again, realizing I was rubbing the back of my neck with my hand... all too quickly, it was my cue to start singing... so I did.

"Woke up sweating from a dream....With a different kind of feeling, oh" I honestly felt like I was going to die. The idea that this could be the absolute last time of being around her, crushed me. I somehow had managed to lie to myself the past two years, that I would be ok without her, that I could breath and smile and feel joy away from her... but now, with her right there, right HERE... I realized none of that was true. She had always been the air I needed to breath, the water I needed to live...

"All day long my heart was beating...Searching for the meaning, oh" my body convulsed inward as I tried to take in a deep breath and find the strength to look up at her again, knowing her face wouldn't hold any of that easy happiness that I had been drinking in since I got here. I knew there would be a darkness that would settle in her eyes, maybe even anger at me for being gone and just coming back with a song without any other conversation, without even an 'I'm sorry.' Not that I had had a chance to, but still...

I dragged my eyes back to hers and almost forgot my next line. The darkness was there, but there was no anger, there was an openness that grabbed my heart with both hands and clung to it. Please God let that stay. Please let that stay... but when she blinked the look was gone and she seemed so far away, lost in her head somewhere... I had to get her back.

"Hazel eyes," I stepped towards her, planning to close the distance between us but she snapped out of her trance with such fire in her eyes, it stopped me dead in my tracks. I couldn't read what it meant, but she was really good at being stoic, I was trying to find any of her little tells that would let me break through to her just a little, but I couldn't find any. But then, as quick as it appeared, the mask was gone... and I saw her heart rip apart.

The pain on her face killed me. I had never seen her that vulnerable before with that much hurt showing openly. And I was the one that caused it. Every piece of me was on fire, I wanted to take that pain from her, I NEEDED to take it from her. I would trade her all the happiness I have ever known to make her not feel like she was. I instinctively moved up to her, trying to figure out what she needed me to do in this moment.

"I was so color blind...We were just wasting time, uh uh babe." Her eyes filled with tears and I saw the anguish cross her face before she looked away from me and closed her eyes. I grabbed her then, by her arms, knowing this was going to be it, knowing I needed to do this more than I needed to breath.

"For my whole life, we never crossed the line....Only friends in my mind, but now I realize," I moved my hands to cup her face, as gently as I could but my need for her to understand was breaking through. When I touched her face I felt a fire rip through me, her skin electric, surging through my heart, my lungs, my brain. She must have felt it to because her eyes flew open, they were just inches from me, the hope i read giving me the strength i needed...

"It was always you."

Her body gulped in air like she had never never taken a breath before. Her eyes were instantly clear and I felt them reach deep inside me. Finding my deepest secrets and all the words i had never said.

"Can't believe I could not see it all this time...All this time...It was ALWAYS. YOU." There was so much emotion that ran through me on those last two words. Trying to make them say everything I've needed to say for what felt like my entire life. But I saw a veil drape over her face that only seemed to allow complete shock to show through. And I was terrified.

"Now I know why my heart wasn't satisfied." I suddenly realized I still had her face in my hands and I felt more awkward than I had ever felt before. My body moved them away before my brain could stop them. I slid my hands down her face, down her neck, wanting so BADLY to be able to keep them there, forever. But I couldn't, so I trailed them over her shoulders and down her arms.

"Satisfied...It was always you, you...No more guessing who." I could see her fighting herself, that's just what she always did. I knew how her mind worked and at that moment I saw my first real opening to get her out of herself for a moment. I took her hands in mine and pulled her close. I needed her to MOVE, to let her brain turn off for just a second. Get her to be in this moment with me. So I danced with her. Just shuffling my feet, getting her to turn in just the smallest of circles. Just enough that I was able to see everything she had walled up inside her, come tumbling out. And then she was there. Her entire being and soul was staring back at me. I could see her piece herself back together around this instance that we were sharing. I saw her spark, I saw her hope, I saw her EVERYTHING.

"Looking back now I know it was always you...Always you"

I never wanted that look to end, I wanted to see more, I wanted her to look at me without any doubt about how I felt for her.

"All my hidden desires...Finally came alive, hmm ...No, I never told lies...To you so why would I,"

I spun her again, desperate to not have a cloud reappear over her eyes. To keep them clear so she could see everything I was telling her... and for her to give me permission to hold her and never let her go. I caught her in my arm, firmly placed on the small of her back and then everything was gone except her and i.

I felt her arm go around me and grab at my clothes, her other hand went to my side and took hold. I tensed at her touch, not realizing how badly I needed it. She looked up at me.

"Start tonight....Hazel eyes, I was so color blind...We were just wasting time, uh uh yeah...For my whole life, we never crossed the line...Only friends in my mind, but now I realize,"

Her hand on my side was suddenly cupping my cheek and bringing my face down to meet hers. Our foreheads touched as she spoke my name, sending lightning bolts through my body. I had never loved my name more than when it slipped out of her lips. Then she sang with me...

"It was always you."

My brain just stopped... everything I had been holding in for much longer than I had realized, spilled out inside of me. I jerked back in shock, needing to see that what had just happened, really actually happened. Did she mean it? I studied every centimeter of her face, the pang of honest and real hope that formed in my heart was overwhelming. But when I looked at her, her face was so soft, so open, every piece of her seemed available to me. Nothing was veiled, nothing was dark. And I felt myself smile, so easily and wholly. My body SCREAMING for her as I ducked my head back in to meet hers. My lungs felt light and when I went to sing, my voice just seemed to float out.

"Can't believe I could not see it all this time...All this time," our noses brushed against each others first, then our foreheads. I felt her hands on me instantly. Grabbing at my shirt, my back, my sides. I wanted more, I wanted to feel her entire body on mine.

"It was always you"

And all of a sudden I saw her laugh. It was so effortless and pure, more easy than I had ever seen before. She laughed for ME. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. SHE was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

"Now I know why my heart wasn't satisfied...Satisfied...It was always you, you"

I had no idea how big I was smiling until I leaned towards her, the closer my lips got to hers, the more my smile shrank. I wanted nothing in the way of my lips meeting hers. I had full intentions of a wild and passionate kiss, but as soon as I felt her breath on my face, I got shy. I still didnt believe this was happening. I had waited long...

Our lips brushed against each others. I was still waiting for it to turn bad. For her to recoil, or slap me or any other thing that I felt I deserved... but she didnt. And then I heard her gasp and my smile ruined our kiss, but only long enough for my shyness to be replaced for my hunger for her. I somehow was able to grab her harder, move her closer, feel her more completely as our lips met again, until I felt he starting to smile, her lips elongating, being pulled away from mine. And even those I wanted this kiss to last forever, I felt a smile forming on my face too. I pulled back ever so slightly.

"It was always you," my voice could only register a soft tone, I felt weak now that I had her tucked safely in my embrace. An embrace I knew I would never ever let go of. As the music continued to play around us, I tried to find the right words, "I'm sorry I disappeared, but I needed space, i needed to do things right...i needed to do THIS right. My marriage was never anything. My divorce wasnt because of you, but because it wasnt what i needed and I always...i have just... I have always needed YOU." I pulled back a little farther, but just far enough to look at her, to make sure she understood everything I said was true. That all of me was standing here for HER.

"Adam..." her voice seemed frail and it trailed off as we both finally caught the sound of everyone around us cheering. Those fuckers! I chuckled as I realized how stupid I had been. Her cheeks turned pink and she chuckled too. Then our audience took over the song and started singing loudly and joyfully...

"No more guessing who...Looking back now we know it was always you...Always you!!...Ah, yeah ..."

Everything was perfect. It was incredible and amazing and probably one of the greatest moments of my life. Standing here, with her, and being part of something with so many people that all shared this indescribable joy with me. I couldn't help but laugh...really laugh. I looked down at her and saw the same raw joy in her laughter too.

I took her hand and spun her, catching her again, but tighter. I pulled her as close to me as I could, putting my one hand back on the back of her neck where I had so desperately wanted to hold only minutes ago. And I kissed her, as hard as I could. I kissed her for all the fear I had held onto for so long. I kissed her for all those missed moments, for the last two years. I wanted to finish my song to her but I ust couldn't give her lips up, I pulled away just enough to form words but still keep my lips on hers.

"Woke up sweating from a dream...With a different kind of feeling....It was always you....Even if I could not see it all this time...All this time...It was always you...always." our friends took over from there. All their voices combining into one, giving her and I more time to ourselves. I would never be able to thank them enough for it.

I wanted to touch every part of her at once. I ran my hands up and down her back, grabbing her hip bone hard under my fingers, then back up and buried them in her hair, trying to bring her closer.

"Now we know why his heart wasn't satisfied, satisfied....It was always you, you...No more guessing who...Looking back now we know it was always you, always you...It was always you"

#adamfanfic #musicfanfic #adamlevinefanfic #maroon5fanfic #truelove #adam levine #adam levine fan fic

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until-the-joy-drops-again · 6 years

Text

It Was Always You

The song had ended and I couldn't help but to burst out laughing. I needed a day like this, all of my friends in one place, just like old times before everyone was forced to grow up. I turned to look at Adam who, although he was smiling at me, his smile didnt reach his eyes.

"Adam...?" I started to ask as I shifted towards him, but then I realized that everyone else in the room had stepped back, leaving only Adam and I standing in the middle of the floor. I furrowed my brows as I looked around at everyone, until I heard Adam clear his throat. I quickly turned back to him, my face full of questions I couldn't find words for... Adam was looking at the ground, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand like he always did when he was nervous.... finally, he spoke.

"I wrote a new song," he brought his gaze up to me, "for you." He winced, and his face showed more pain and fear than I have ever seen him show in all the years I've known him.

I took a step towards him when the deafening silence that had suddenly filled the whole house was broken by the thumping base of Tom's keyboard. I turned to look at Tom who was staring straight at me... with a look on his face I couldn't read in the single second I made eye contact with him, before turning my whole body back to Adam, who had looked away from me again.

Somehow, my mind was able to piece together the tension that had filled the room that had been at complete peace just ten seconds before. I saw everyone watching me, their bodies and eyes tense, their faces anxious...

I stared back at Adam, suddenly terrified and anxious myself. What the fuck was going on? Then Adam sang...

"Woke up sweating from a dreammmm with a different kind of feelinggggg," he was still just staring at the ground, rubbing the back of his neck. I saw him take a huge breath in between his lyrics, and I saw him fighting himself while he continued his song...

"All day long my heart was beatingggg... Searching for the meaning, oh..." Adam finally brought his gaze up to reach me, it had felt like hours waiting for him to look at me. When our eyes locked the wind was completely knocked out of me. I couldn't breath and I couldn't move. I was completely frozen and I know my face showed everything that was flashing through my mind as I saw the pleading and urgency in the green eyes staring back at me.

My mind raced faster than I ever thought it could. I relived the last time we were face to face. He had needed a friend to listen to him, he was having marriage problems and had come and found me at home. We stayed up all night, talking and drinking. It had taken HOURS before he had finally smiled a real and honest smile at me and I had stupidly, drunkenly, asked him if he was completely happy in his marriage, because it didnt seem like it to me. The look he shot me when I asked him still haunted me up until this morning. I never could put a word to it, but he shut down after that and had gone to bed. When I woke up the next morning, he was gone. I had tried to call him, message him, anything, but he never returned any of them. Eventually, I just left it alone... then about a year ago i had heard they were getting divorced, i called a few more times, but the silence i got in returned spoke louder than anything he could have said by answering me. So I left...

"Hazel eyes," I snapped back to this moment in front of me as Adam took a step towards me. I was terrified when I realized that, honestly, I loved this man standing in front of me. He was my best friend and my everything, even after these past two years of silence. I had somehow managed to shove all those feelings well away in the bottom of a closet and i built a wall around it...and tried to forget it was ever there. But having him, standing in front of me, looking at me with eyes filled with...what? pain? Fear? Hurt? My wall broke, every feeling I had buried and tried to burn, came stampeding over me. Every piece of ash hit me harder than anything I had ever experienced before. And my heart shattered...

It broke for me, it broke for him, it broke for every word or thing we had ever done, and for all those we missed...

Adam was watching me. I felt his entire being trying to read me. I met his gaze as my eyes filled with tears, I tried to shake my head at him as he stepped closer. Now I saw the pain mirrored back at me. But there was something else too. An urgency, a pleading for... something...

"I was so color blind...We were just wasting time, uh uh babe.." he stepped up to me now, inches from me but neither of us moved to close that tiny gap..

I was drowning inside my head. Wasting time? Was this his final goodbye? Was I going to lose him again? I couldn't look at him anymore. I closed my eyes and looked away, willing my tears back, willing my wall back. Then I felt his hands on my arms, grabbing me, trying to bring me back to him...

"For my whole life, we never crossed the line, Only friends in my mind, but now I realize" he reached up and cupped my face with his hands. It was electric. So much power surged through me, my breath caught and my eyes opened to find his face so close to mine I could feel the heat coming off of it. He eyes burned right through mine.

"It was always you."

I hadnt realized I hadnt been breathing until I gulped in a huge wave of air. My eyes darted back and forth, focusing wholly on his eyes. I saw EVERYTHING. I saw every one of his demons, I saw the toll these past few years took on him, and from him. I saw his regrowth from what he had been. I saw Adam, I saw all of him

"Can't believe I could not see it all this time...All this time..It was always YOU."

Somehow my brain shut down but sped up.. I felt my face only registering that complete shock of this single moment. A single, tiny moment that said everything.

"Now I know why my heart wasn't satisfied..."

Adam was still holding my face in his hands, I saw a question flicker across his eyes as he slowly ran his hands away from my face, down my neck, across my shoulders, and down my arms. It happened in mere moments, but it felt like forever. My skin lit up wherever he touched me. It sent shocks through my entire body. My mind went into defense mode, forcing my body to stand still, while all of me just wanted to melt into him.

"Satisfied...It was always you, you...No more guessing who," Adam took my hands in his and gently pulled me into him and led me in the smallest of dances, just one single circle but I felt it change my entire life. My body broke, my walls broke, my heart shattered and built back stronger, my entire body warmed instantly as I looked into those amazing green eyes that I was REALLY seeing for the first time, looking at ME.

"Looking back now I know it was always you...Always you..."

His eyes bore into mine. I felt like he was seeing my soul. It made my stomach tingle and my skin feel like it was on fire. I had no idea what he was seeing in mine, I felt like my entire being, my entire existence, was being reborn. Then I saw the question cover his gaze, his pupils dialated standing in front of me...

"All my hidden desires...Finally came alive, hmm..." he turned me in another circle, faster this time and caught me when he stopped. His arm wrapping around my waist and his hand planted firmly yet gently on the small of my back. His other arm made a movement as though he wanted to touch my face again, but he visibly flinched and instead took hold of my arm. His face somehow managed to break my soul again. The questions he held in his eyes were gone, they were replaced by the most heart wrenching pain.

"No, I never told lies...To you so why would I...Start tonight"

I finally regained control of my body and wrapped my arm, under his and placed my hand on his back, clenching at his clothes...

"Hazel eyes, I was so color blind...We were just wasting time, uh uh yeah..." I grabbed at his shirt with my other hand. I felt him tense when I touched him and his eyes got bigger as he watched me.

"For my whole life, we never crossed the line...Only friends in my mind, but now I realize"

I brough my hand up and cupped his face, bringing our foreheads together. I looked at him, into him, through him, hard. I spoke his name, a name I had spoken hundreds of times before, but THIS time, it felt new. It felt warm, and safe... and it felt like forever... then I sang the next line with him..

"It was always you"

His face didnt register anything for a second, then all the darkness it had been holding, vanished, And he jerked back from me to really look at me, and his face flooded with happiness. His eyes sparkled and he broke out into the most genuine smile. He looked at me like he was taking everything in for the first time. My eyes, my face...his voice was so much softer as he continued, moving his face closer to mine...

"Can't believe I could not see it all this time...All this time..." our noses touched softly first, then our foreheads. My hands were moving on their own, my mind finally let my body do what it had been wanting to do, NEEDING to do.

"It was always you."

I suddenly found myself laughing and the entire world went away. I was no longer in my house, surrounded by my friends, there was no music, there was nothing but Adam. Standing here, in this exact moment, with me.

"Now I know why my heart wasn't satisfied...Satisfied...It was always you," his hands were on my face while I found mine wrapped around his body. My smile was huge, but it faded as we came together. His lips touched mine with a tentativeness, just a small, slow kiss that shot through me like a thousand bullets and made me gasp. Adam heard me and smiled, warm and pure before his lips met mine again. This time there was no question in it, it was replaced by a hunger for something that was way overdue. He kissed me long, and hard until our smiles caused our lips to part.

"It was always you," he was speaking now, low, only for me, as the music continued to play around us, "I'm sorry I disappeared, but I needed space, i needed to do things right...i needed to do THIS right. My marriage was never anything. My divorce wasnt because of you, but because it wasnt what i needed and I always...i just have always needed YOU." He pulled back just far enough to look at me, to let me see for myself that what he said was true.

"Adam..." I trailed off as I finally caught the sound of everyone around us cheering. I laughed softly again and felt myself blushing as Adam heard them too. I could see him chuckle softly, see his shoulders bob once with it. Then they all started singing...

"No more guessing who....Looking back now we know it was always you...Always you!"

Adam laughed now, out loud, and with his whole body. Seeing him purely happy made me laugh too. Adam took my hand and spun me, catching me again with his arms tight around me, his one hand on the back of my neck, and kissed me, hard as our friends kept singing the last of the song around us.

"Ah, yeah (you, you, you, always you, you, you)

Ah, yeah (you, you, you, always you, you, you)"

It was in those moments, standing, wrapped in Adam's arms, that I felt the absolute pure joy of complete and total happiness. My hands gripped at him. I felt the firmness of his back, the muscles on his shoulders, the hair on the back of his head. He kissed me again... and then again, and again. Then he sang again, his eyes still closed, his lips still touching mine...

"Woke up sweating from a dream...With a different kind of feeling...It was always you...Even if I could not see it all this time...All this time...It was always you... always..." but then his voice was drowned out by everyone else and he kissed me again. Harder. His hands moving over my body, his fingernails digging in to all my curves he found.

"Now we know why his heart wasn't satisfied, satisfied...It was always you.... youuuuuu" the house sang around us, but I dont think either one of us remembered they were there.

I felt his tongue on mine and my body responded instantly, my hands roaming his back, grabbing onto his shoulders and hips and anything else I touched. I felt his hands in my hair, grabbing handfuls and trying to bring me in closer to him. Our kisses got faster, more urgent and messy...

"No more guessing who...Looking back now we know it was always you, always you...It was always you"

The music died away and the knowledge that there were so many people, standing in a circle around us, cheering and clapping FINALLY, hit home. With one final, earth shattering kiss, we pulled away from each other, and started laughing.

We both turned to face everyone, but kept our embrace as much as we could. My arm was wrapped around Adam's waist, with my other hand settled on his chest. When I felt that deep rumble of a full laugh come out of Adam, I looked back up at him.

"Alright, alright! We get it!" He laughed at everyone who were still cheering and laughing for us. Adam felt my gaze and looked down at me, tightening his hold on my waist and bringing me back into him and kissed me again. This time the cheers started turning into the usual, "get a room," type of remarks. Adam pulled back, "should we go talk for a little while?"

Before I could even answer, the house swelled with more music as everyone grinned at us and turned away, another song already being sung. I grinned at Adam and nodded, he grabbed my hand and led me outside.

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until-the-joy-drops-again · 6 years

Text

Heart

We pulled up in front of her little house. I could hear music already playing and heard a male voice singing. My heart was in my throat, pounding so massively it was hard to breath.

"Alright man, you ok?"

I looked at Dan but I couldn't find any words.

"Hey, this is HER remember? I promise you she doesnt hate you," he chuckled slightly. "We'll just slip in, you can hide behind the people standing by the door for awhile. But once you see her, you'll be ok. And everyone in that house will be rooting for you." Dan smiled a reassuring smile at me but I didnt feel any of it.

I got out of the car and tugged at my white hat, bringing the brim down as far as I could. I heard the music stop and happy voices spilling out of the house. Then new music started and I heard her voice, singing. I froze.

My entire body fought against itself. A huge part of me wanted to run in there, grab her, hold her, and never let her go....the rest of me wanted to run as far away as possible. I realized that once I walked into that house, that little tiny glimmer of hope that i had been holding onto for years, would either die or live. That choice was my entire world...was I ready to hold it out to her? To offer my entire being to her with the chance she would destroy it...?

I was safe standing in the street outside. That tiny glimmer in me could still sit inside me and glow... and now I realized how much that small sliver of hope really meant to me.

Fuck! I'm so FUCKING dumb... I rubbed my face trying to rid my brain of these thoughts. She was always MY person. She was my best friend and she just fed my soul. Standing here was ripping me apart.

"Hey, Adam, you ok man?" I waved Dan off, "I need a minute..." I looked back up at the house, listening to her voice, her siren song, and it sliced right through me.

I gasped in air and had to turn away. I started walking to the beach just a few hundred feet away. I heard one of the other guys start to come after me but Dan stopped them, "give him a minute," I heard him say.

I tried to pick up my pieces. Tried to put myself back together as a whole. But my brain was turning too fast, God DAMN it! It was like movie clips my brain just kept shifting through. The night when our first song was picked up, we threw a party and she had pulled me away from the crowd, we were young and drinking champagne out of plain glasses. Her eyes sparkled with just a tiny bit of drunkenness but soooooo much happiness.

"I am so FUCKING happy for you! You are just so fucking amazing I know you'll go on to take over the world! I know it wont slways be easy, but I'll ALWAYS be right in your corner, waving the biggest flag for you no matter what." She was beaming, and beautiful and I knew what she said was true.

That woman stood in the darkest of corners with me, never letting me lose total hope. SHE was the one that could always put me back together. Piece by piece, no matter how long it took, no matter what it cost her. She would dust each piece off, warm it, and put me back together.

I climbed up the only dune separating the street from the ocean and stopped. The moon shone on the water, I could see little lights of boats out in the surf. I took a deep breath...

In my mind I saw her help me with my tie before some big event I had. I saw her smiling and walking towards me with 2glasses of whiskey for us. I saw her laugh at me singing a ridiculous song in the car on the way to the airport. I saw her eyes, i saw her lips, i saw her leaning in the doorway of our hotel suite for our show in Oregon. She had NO idea how gorgeous she was, just standing there in a dress she hated but was forced to wear. It was red, and fit every curve of her perfectly, and it sparkled in the hallway light. Fuck... and then...

That last night I spent with her just slammed me like a tidal wave. I was back on her couch, back fighting the same demons I was fighting back then. My sham marriage to a model, Beh. I dont know why I agreed to it, my career was taking off on its own... but I wanted more... more fame, more screaming fans..more GLAMOUR...

I closed my eyes, not sure if I was trying to will it to stop or to see it better... I was there with her, liquor bottles sitting all around us.. she ALWAYS kept my favorite whiskey on hand, just incase... she was just like that...

I had wanted her SO God dammed badly. I wanted to feel her skin on mine, wanted to taste the whiskey on her lips. I had sold my soul and I knew the only way to get it back was right in front of me. Inches away. My body screamed for it, for her... but I was so broken... I couldnt.

She saw it, she saw it the instant she opened the door. She didnt say a thing, just led me in and went and made me a drink. Then sat on the couch with me while I muddled through the thoughts in my brain.

God, I had instantly felt better. Just BEING there. She was all I needed but... I had just lost too much... I couldn't drag her through the shit that was about to go down. I knew my marriage was over, but I also knew the publicity it would generate. No matter what i needed, i needed her happiness more.

"Adam? I'm really, really sorry but... why are you WITH her? Does she really make you happy? Like soul shining, rainbows and butterflies and everything you DESERVE? Because it really doesnt seem like it..."

Her words felt like a punch right to my stomach. My mind screamed at me to tell her the truth, that no, Beh certainly didnt make me feel like that, that SHE was the only one in the entire world that did that for me. And I knew I had to leave...

I dont even remember what bullshit answer I mumbled out, I just needed to get away from her. The thought of reporters chasing her down, yelling awful things at her, the press blaming her for my divorce-BEH blaming her for the divorce. Because God knows Beh's womans intuition was on point when it came to her...

I told her I was drunk and needed to go to bed, and it just made everything worse because now she offered me the only bed she had in the house... HER bed... to share...

I felt like the universe was out to crush me, how I said no still blows my mind today, I said the couch was fine and just turned away. I laid there as she went and got me a pillow and lifted my head so she could put it down. I instinctively went to reach for her hand, to bring it down to me. To lead her into my arms, to hold her and tell her how fucking amazing she was, how I lived for her and her alone... but she was too fast and I missed my chance... she tossed a blanket over me, whispered goodnight and... paused.

All I had to do was look at her. If I had just turned my head... but i didnt, and i heard her walk away. A sob caught in my throat and threw me totally off guard. I've never in my life been a crier...it. just something I've never really felt the need to do... until right then, when I felt my world collapse...

I waited for her fussing to finally stop, to know for sure, she was in bed...then I stood up, but I couldn't move towards the door. My body turned towards her bedroom insteadand I took a step before I stopped.. i HAD to stop. My breath caught in my throat, she was RIGHT THERE! Just walk in, climb in bed next to her, my heart was pounding so loud it felt like it was trying to push me to her... but instead, i snuck out the door.... in my drunk stupor, on my staggering walk to call a taxi, I grew my piece of hope that I had held onto till... well... now, my glimmer in the darkness that was to come. I would get divorced and wait the "appropriate" amount of time, then come back. I would do something HUGE and funny and romantic. I'd sweep her off her feet, show her how incredible she was, show her what she made me feel. And live happily ever after.

But I had had no idea what a celebritie's divorce really was. The time it took to figure out how to "play" it to the public. The MONTHS of planning, of acting, of living a complete lie. By the time our agents actually let us start planting a seed of divorce, I had heard she met someone amazing and was planning to marry him.

Back on the beach I physically winced as I remembered that phone call. How, in just a matter of seconds, my life suddenly felt completely empty, and cold and I felt totally alone... SHE was supposed to be mine... what was I supposed to do?

Now I was standing here being a fucking moron again. My chance was here, was NOW... and I was fucking avoiding it with every last piece of me. I took a deep breath and willed my body to walk back, where I needed it to be.

I joined up with Dan, Adrien and Paul again at the car. They had been waiting for me. Paul clapped his hand on my shoulder and squeezed it.

"You ok?"

I nodded, knowing I had to do this NOW, before my brain started in with its doubts. I HAD to get into that house NOW.

Thankfully, they seemed to sense my urgency and we made our way, quickly, up to the door. Dan didnt even pause, he pushed the door open and I felt Adrien and Paul right behind me, ushering me in.

As I stepped through I saw a flash of blonde hair and my heart swelled. There were old friends crammed in ever corner of the small living room. I was able to slip behind a few guys standing in the threshold. With my hat, tinted glasses and long sleeve shirt I melded right into the crowd.

I couldn't keep my eyes off her. I drank every single piece of her in. Every movement, every strand of hair, every line that made her, her. But her smile... I gulped in her happiness, the way her eyes squinted as she sang, the way her body moved effortlessly through the song. The strength she carried, the confidence she radiated.

What if this was it? What if she told me to leave? What if she told me and called me all the things I deserved? What if this was the last time I was able to be this close to her?

I had to take as step back, to lean against the wall. My entire body felt like it was shaking. I was terrified. My heart was beating so hard and fast I was sure everyone in the room could hear it.

After all this time, nothing had changed. She still left me paralyzed. What would I do if she told me to go fuck myself? How could I go back to LA and just go on with my life if she wasnt in it?

The song came to an end and she just stood there, slightly out of breath and with happiness written over her entire body.

"Who's next?" She asked as she spun the mike around in her hand.

"Do another one!" Someone I didnt know yelled from the couch. Everyone in the room agreed with him.

"You sure? I've kinda hogged the mic all night..." her voice echoed in my head. It had been so long since I heard it but it still sounded like home, like where I was supposed to be.

She shrugged and flipped her hair over as she turned to look in my direction. Her smile lit up her whole face. She nodded hello to everyone and then her eyes reached me.

I watched her sing, and dance, and laugh through her song that I never did actually hear. All I heard was the joy in her words. I was trying to memorize her voice more than I already had. To sear it into my brain so I could hear it still if everything went badly tonight.

She finished her song and stepped aside, a guy I didnt know took the Mike from her hand. They shared a smile and a laugh and the punch of jealousy hit me like a bag of rocks. My need for her to give me the same look rendered my senses useless and I took off my glasses, willing with everything i had, for her to look over to me. I couldn't do this anymore, I needed...something, anything really..

It was like she felt it too because her head turned deliberately towards me. She gave casual nods of hello to the guys standing off to my right until her eyes caught mine.

For a second I saw her confusion...and then her eyes got huge and her smile somehow was even bigger until a darkness passed over her face. I was terrified, was this it? Was she going to come tell me and call me all the awful things that I absolutely deserved?

But as quickly as the cloud passed over her, it went away, and she rushed over to where I was standing, pushing her way through. When she got close, all the guys around me stepped back, parting like the red sea. And then she was in front of me.

"Adam." Was all she said, looking at me with questions flying through her eyes. I could see the awkwardness overtake her, her body started to move to hug me but she stopped. So I grabbed her. I didnt know if it was too hard or not hard enough. My brain shut down, my body needing to be near her took over completely. I slammed her against myself, buried my face in her hair, felt her gasp, felt her arms fly up and hug me just as hard, back. The warmth coming off of her was intoxicating. I inhaled all of it, the smell of the wine she was drinking, the lingering smoke from the cigarettes she had always smoked, and underneath, the honest smell of HER. It was all the same. Everything I remembered and dreamed about, was right HERE.

And she wasnt letting go.

We stood like that for awhile. I was oblivious to anything else around me. Her head was on my chest and my heart was beating so loudly, telling her EVERYTHING, and there was nothing I could do to hide it. Finally, but way too soon, she slowly pulled back. I opened my mouth to say I was sorry, but then realized there was music blaring and she would never hear me. I looked down at her, I know my face gave me away. I wanted so much from her now that she was here, but i had no idea how to ask it.

She met my hungry, pleading gaze and held it. Her eyes were so clouded in questions though they were impossible to read. My hands planted firmly on her back, holding her close to me for as long as I could, until she finally took a step back. Her face was dark but she smiled at me through it and it shattered my already broken soul. It was then that I knew how much I hurt her, how honestly fucking stupid I had been.

Then, all of a sudden she was gone. I blinked I surprise as I saw Dan whisk her away from me, twirling her to the music. I watched as her face relaxed but the cloud still remained. I couldn't take my eyes off of her and she would keep turning to look at me with an unreadable expression.

After s little while, dan leaned down and spoke into her ear, she turned her head so I couldn't see, but she misstepped in her dancing, which she never does. She turned to look at Dan and I saw her face drop some of the cloudiness. When she turned back to look at me, it was with a real smile, and she held my gaze until she had to turn away because of her dance.

Adrien leaned over to me, "shes going to sing next and then it's your turn." I looked at him, all my fears and doubts returning instantly, but his face was calm, but firm, "you got this." He smiled at me with excitement brimming on his face.

My stomach was in knots, my head was pounding with thoughts I couldn't even catch. My body still tingling from her touch and I felt like an addict. I needed more...

I nodded to Adrien.

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until-the-joy-drops-again · 6 years

Text

Phone call (chapter 1)

I had that itch. That itch that drives you completely insane because it's not physical, so you cant scratch it. It's the one that starts in the back of your brain and travels down to your stomach. That itch of the past you just cant relieve.

I thought about her a lot. How could I not? She was imprinted on my soul. The one that "got away," because I'm a stupid fool and instead of trying to cross the distance of time to get her back, I just let more time get I the way. Making it worse and worse...

Just then, my phone rang. I glanced down and almost choked on my beer. Delaware?!?! There was no way... I just stared at the phone, not knowing if I could actually answer it or not. Luckily, my heart took over, grabbed the phone and hit the talk button.

"Hello?"

"Adam! It's trevor walker."

I let out a sigh of relief and disappointment all at once, "oh hey man, what's up?"

"Adrien said you're in LA?"

"Uh, yeah.... yeah, bands on break for a little while, I'm home-" he cut me off.

"Good! We got you a flight out tomorrow morning, we'll pick you up in philly tomorrow evening! We have band practice Wednesday at 3pm."

I waited a beat for him to go on, but we both know he didnt need to.

"Trev i--," but he cut me off again.

"Delta, flight 752, leaves at 10:05, concourse d, better get there by 6...and she doesnt know we did this... see you tomorrow!" And the line cut out.

I pulled my phone away from my ear and stared at it for a minute. Obviously I wasnt going to go, i had heard she had gotten married about 18 months ago (why did i know that's how long it had been?) So... could i go back to being "just" friends? I mean, we had ALWAYS been "just" friends but...

There was nothing left I could do about her. The time and distance had grown too big. There was no hope left.

My phone pinged with a text message. I looked at it, it was trevor... I opened it and it was a link to s webpage. Confused, I pushed it and it took me to the local delaware page, to the divorce announcements. I frowned as I glanced over the page till my eyes fell on her name. I gasped. She got divorced! I looked at the top of the page, it was 4 months old.

I just sat there, my mind racing... trevor and those guys were a lot of things, but they never fucked around. If they were calling, getting a plane ticket and texting... I knew it was my best chance to fix this.

Why didnt she know- but I knew the answer. Cause I'm a fucking moron and they weren't going to put her through anything else if I didnt show. And although that realization stabbed at my heart, it gave me a sliver of hope, that she might care if I didnt show...

A vision of her face floated in front of my eyes. I still remembered every detail of her face, and then I focused on her eyes. I shut my eyes to bring the memory into clearer focus. Those beautiful hazel eyes. Before I knew what I was doing I was rushing back out to the livingroom and grabbing my phone. With shaking hands it took me a few tries to get into my music writing app and copy the right file. I pulled up trevor's text message, attached the file and hit send before I could second guess myself. I tossed the phone back on the couch but immediately picked it back up. I pushed some more buttons and then her face was ACTUALLY in front of me.

We had all been drinking, but we weren't hammered. We definitely shouldn't have driven a car, but we weren't staggering around and slurring... adrien was hoping around us trying to convince us to stand in the crosswalk. "Dude, do you WANT us to die?" She had asked him, laughing.

"Itll be quick! Look, there is barely any traffic or people... itll be perfect!"

"So we are all just going to..what? Like abbey road it?" I had asked, the vision of it made me laugh.

"No, just you two," he pointed at her and I, he had said it so matter of fact it caught me off guard. I turned to him, but he had already turned his attention to her, grabbing at her sleeve, hoping up and down again.

She burst out laughing, it was so easy and so pure and happy it made me smile.

"Okay...okay!!!!" She yelled at him, smiling, before she turned to me.

My stomach clenched as I remembered her turning to me then. She was just so God dammed beautiful, it was like she was just floating there on the street, the way she turned her whole body towards me so she was walking backwards down the street. Her mane of blonde hair bouncing as she moved, the sparkle of light and mischief in her eyes...she just took my breathe away. All I could do was nod at her.

"Yes!!!" Adrien jumped into the air and pumped his fist. "Ok, will the rest of you block any people from walking through? I'll set my camera up now so it can be quick. He started fussing with it as we walked. He took a few practise shots of the traffic, adjusting before taking another one. Finally he looked up, "perfect! Let's go!"

Adrien looked around him as we walked, he looked up at the street signs and pointed to our right, "this way!" He stopped at the crosswalk.

"So, this one?" She asked him as we all waited for the light to change.

"No, I want a little more traffic, we will go up a few streets..." so we did. Finally Adrien said, "this one!" And startedbouncing on the balls of his feet.

"So,how should we pose?" I looked down at her standing next to me.

"Let's see where the moment takes us," she smiled with her whole body, taking my arm.

"Yes!!!! Oh my God yes!!! That was AMAZING!"

As I looked at the photo in my livingroom, it really was "AMAZING." The headlights of the cars behind us made us glow almost, everything else was dark. He had taken it right st the moment when I was going to kiss her. Our faces close together, our smiles were loose and full. Her leg cocked up, her knee on my hip, her hair tumbling down behind her. I didnt look to bad either, holding her up and bending over her.

I kicked myself, if I had just fucking kissed her...if not right then, then later that night...or any time in the next 3 months, before my agent came at me with the marriage proposal... but I never did... and now, here I am, in this empty condo, trying to put my life back together after my idiotic ideas i had to get famous.

How the fuck was I supposed to sleep tonight?

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