uesnachodelrevandratesbyhnj
UES Nacho Delivery Reviews and Ratings
By Heather and Jon
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IT'S NATIONAL NACHO DAY!
Today, November 6, 2013 is National Nacho Day. To celebrate, we wanted to highlight our top five favorite nachos we've had the pleasure of reviewing.
5. Gene's Coffee Shop - B (by Jon)
Our most controversial nachos to date. Jon was pleasantly surprised by these diner nachos. Heather did not like the lack of meat and their hazardous spoons.
Best quote: "Jon is a jerk"
4. Palacio Azteca - B
By far the best CTT Ratio we've ever witnessed. Also memorable for having a secret compartment of toppings under the tin foil of chips.
Best quote: "Styrofoam kills"
3. The Stumble Inn - B
We cheated a bit with these nachos by eating them in the establishment, but we cannot have a top five nacho discussion without mentioning Stumble Inn. One of the most aesthetically pleasing nachos we've eaten.
Best quote: "Screaming female in bar made nacho concentration extremely difficult, if not impossible."
2. EJ's Luncheonette - B+
Irish nachos a.k.a. triple bypass nachos. Homemade potato chips, melted chedder and jack, bacon, BBQ sauce, scallions with ranch dressing on the side for dipping. 'Nuff said.
Best quote: "Not recommended for anyone who has high cholesterol, is pregnant, or would like to live past the age of 50"
1. Blockheads - B+
Back to where it all began. These were simply the best nachos we've ever had. The review is a little bare, but these nachos just speak for themselves.
Best quote: "Sour cream on side"
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Guess That Nacho Eater
Don't worry, we're still alive. Here another installment of Guess That Nacho Eater. Can you guess who this ragin' nacho eater is?
That's right, it's none other than the Governator himself, saying hasta la vista to another nacho.
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Snack Dragon Taco Shack
Preface: We seem to be running out of places to order nachos from in the UES so we decided to take our nacho expertise to the LES.
What We Ordered:
Nacharitos
- An open-faced yellow corn tostada topped with our black beans, cheese, homemade salsa, sour cream, cilantro & a lime.
Actual Delivery Time to My Mouth: 6 min
Grades:
Taste: C-
Aesthetics: D-
CTT Ratio: B
Microwave Time: 3 min
Intangibles:
Umm...I like cilantro?
Good for drunk munchies
Offered hand sanitizer before eating; points for antibacterial awareness
Deal Breakers:
One single tostada encompassed these "nachos"
Sour cream was literally squirted on and covered everything
Portion size was good, assuming you have the stomach of a premature baby
Conclusion: We understand this place primarily specializes in tacos, but c'mon. These gave nachos a bad name. Description should say, "sour creamed poured on a single large tortilla chip topped with three pounds of cilantro." They tried I guess?
Overall: D+
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Guess That Nacho Eater
Nacho Day will be back in full force next week. In the meantime, we'd like to introduce a new segment called Guess That Nacho Eater. Can you guess who this celebrity nacho aficionado is? Hint: Tell her, "Girl, like Doritos, that's nacho cheese." And the answer is...
Lil' Wayne. Pool, cigar, and nachos -- Weezy just living the life.
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EJ's Luncheonette
What We Ordered:
EJ`s Loaded Irish Nachos
- Homemade crispy potato chips loaded with melted Cheddar and Jack, bacon, scallions, BBQ sauce and ranch dressing
Chicken Tortilla Soup
EJ`s Hand Scooped Milkshake - chocolate
Estimated Delivery Time: 25 - 40 min
Actual Delivery Time: 23 min
Grades:
Taste: B+
Aesthetics: A-
CTT Ratio: B
Microwave Time: N/A
Intangibles:
Homemade potato chips instead of traditional nacho tortilla chips
Two types of melted cheese
Bacon.
Deal Breakers:
CTT ratio could have been better; cheese congealed in parts, leaving a massive layer with no chips in sight
Artery clogging; not recommended for anyone who has high cholesterol, is pregnant, or would like to live past the age of 50
Conclusion: Although these were not nachos in the traditional sense, they certainly deserve to be in the upper echelon of the UES nacho community. However, we would not recommend having this as a regular meal. We cannot stress this enough.
Overall: B+
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El Mero Burro
Warning: There are brief references to flatulence and feces in this review. Reader discretion advised.
What We Ordered:
El Mero Nacho
- Nachos, jalapeños, guacamole, sour cream and pico de gallo. Served with cilantro lime rice and choice of black or pinto beans, salsa, onions, peppers, sour cream & cheese
- Grilled Steak ($2.50)
- Black Beans
Tiramisu
Estimated Delivery Time: 15 - 30 min
Actual Delivery Time: 40 min (?!)
Grades:
Taste: C-
Aesthetics: D
CTT Ratio: C+
Microwave Time: Impossible to microwave
Intangibles:
Description of nachos included the word "nachos"; we love having that reassurance
Corn was a nice touch, but impossible to scoop and balance on chips
Beans, beans, they're good for your heart, the more you eat the more you...
Deal Breakers:
Chips appeared to be from under the seat of a car that was parked on the side of a road in Arizona for the entire month of July
Sour cream not only included with the nachos, but dumped right on top of the guacamole; why?
Cheez whiz
Conclusion: Diner nachos have set a pretty high bar; take out the sour cream and include real cheese and we might have something to write home about; major demerits for tardiness
Overall: C-
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Moonstruck Diner
Disclosure: So as you may have noticed, we didn't post our Nacho Day review for last week. We had a bit of a busy/lazy week and we apologize to all our devoted fans who have been clamoring nonstop for this update. Now keep in mind, it's been a week since we ate these nachos so this review is based purely on our impeccable memory.
What We Ordered:
Moonstruck Nachos
- Crisp tortilla chips covered with chili, melted cheese, jalapeno peppers, olives, sour cream, chopped lettuce & salsa
- Plain Pita
Milkshake - Chocolate
Estimated Delivery Time: 30 - 45 min
Actual Delivery Time: 21 min
Grades:
Taste: C+
Aesthetics: C+
CTT Ratio: C+
Microwave Time: Impossible to microwave
Intangibles:
Although the description included chili, we were pleasantly surprised at the bountiful amount of meat it came with
Pitas were a requirement for this order; strange pairing, but we admire the assertiveness
Lettuce included = healthy
Deal Breakers:
This was the first time we saw olives in our nachos; not a fan and may have given Heather abdominal pains (although she enjoyed them while she was eating them)
Jalapeños everywhere; everything was thoroughly spicy, but not unbearable
Two cups of sour cream; because you can never have too much cream in your life
Conclusion: Major nacho points for delivering 9 minutes earlier than the ASAP estimated delivery time; chili wasn't famous; the pita and olives were a little eccentric, but so are we and we don't participate in weird-on-weird (pronounce "hweird") crime
Overall: C+
#forgotten nachos#surprise meat#my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard#nacho points#hweird#abdominal pains#reviews#Moonstruck Diner
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Plaza Diner
Prologue: We continue our streak of ordering diner nachos for the third consecutive week. Heather was having a bit of a rough post-Labor Day and was not in the mood for Nacho Day. It didn't help that she had salsa drip on her white shirt and had to use a Tide To Go pen (sponsor us?) that made her shirt somewhat see-thru and smelling like Tide. But alas, Nacho Day must go on.
What We Ordered:
Nachos Supreme
- Nachos topped with Cheddar cheese, Monterey Jack cheese, jalapeños and our famous chili sour cream with salsa on the side.
Milkshake - chocolate
Estimated Delivery Time: 30 - 45 min
Actual Delivery Time: 40 min
Grades:
Taste: B+
Aesthetics: C
CTT Ratio: B-
Microwave Time: Impossible to microwave
Intangibles:
TWO types of melted cheeses were drizzled over the chips
Showed off their diversity spirit with multi-colored chips; proved they weren't racist
Their "famous" chili was actually pretty good; we're not exactly sure how famous it is, but we speculate it's somewhere in between Chunk from "The Goonies" and Hoobastank
Deal Breakers:
Jalapeños were chopped and mixed in along with something called banana peppers; might as well just light a match and throw it directly into my mouth
Description of "famous chili sour cream with salsa on the side" is misleading; believed it was chili mixed with sour cream (Heather almost projectile vomited at the very thought of this)
Conclusion: Chili lived up to its fame; milkshake was good and cheap; chips were a little soggy, but manageable; the diner nachos continue to surprise us (or we've gotten soft in our nacho critiquing)
Overall: B-
#Post-Labor Day blues#Tide To Go#reviews#my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard#not racist#Chunk#Hoobastank#famous chili#Plaza Diner#diner nachos#vomit physics
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Gene's Coffee Shop
Today's Nacho Day nachos may go down as the most controversial nachos in the history of Nacho Day. Heather and Jon had conflicting opinions and agreed it would be best, for the first time ever on UESCFRNachoDelRevAndRatesByHnJ.tumblr.com, to write two separate reviews.
What We Ordered:
Nachos Grande
- With cheese, tomatoes, peppers, onions, jalapeños with sour cream and guacamole
Matzoh Ball Soup
Chocolate Milkshake
Ordered to Deliver at: 12:30pm
Actual Delivery Time: 11:46am
Heather's Review
Jon's Review
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Gene's Coffee Shop (Jon's Review)
Grades:
Taste: B
Aesthetics: B+
CTT Ratio: C+
Microwave Time: n/a
Intangibles:
Chips were fluffy and crispy; may have actually been fried Chinese chips
Guacamole was served in an avocado shell = mind blown
Toppings were extremely fresh, almost suspiciously fresh
Deal Breakers:
Jalapeños were not only mixed with the chips and covered in cheese (making it extremely difficult to remove), but they were also chopped into little pieces and mixed into the guacamole; if that's not a direct death threat, I don't know what is
Tomatoes, peppers, and onions were sprinkled on top of the nachos instead of mixed in; noob move
Conclusion: These were by far the most creative nachos we have had. A meat option would have been nice. I wasn't expecting much from diner nachos, but I was pleasantly surprised. It's what we experts in the industry call, "A Lin Yu Chun."
Overall: B
Read Heather's Review
#Chinese chips#suspicious toppings#death threat#noob move#Asian shoutout#diner nachos#Gene's Coffee Shop
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Gene's Coffee Shop (Heather's Review)
Disclaimer: Jon is a jerk and started eating the nachos while I finished up a meeting, so my palate has been altered by his inconsideration. Rating might be biased.
Grades:
Taste: C
Aesthetics: B+
CTT Ratio: C+
Microwave Time: not needed
Intangibles:
Chips were unlike any we've had. They were airy- seemingly homemade- fluffy, even.
Topped with fresh tomatoes (not weird), green peppers and onions. Also, a lot of jalapenos were baked under the cheese.
Guac came inside of an avocado skin (that was cool).
Sour cream on the side
Matzoh ball soup was absolutely delightful
Deal Breakers:
No meats
The spoon for the soup was sharp and caused a severe lip injury
A little plain for our liking
I might say there were too many jalapenos.
Conclusion: Fluffy chips are da bomb; Need better spoons; Pretty nifty guac/avocado skillz
Overall: C
Read Jon's Review
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Midtown Restaurant
Disclaimer: Just kidding. No disclaimer. Heather was actually here.
What We Ordered:
Nachos
Florida EXPLOSION smoothie (for Jon and ordered solely because of the title)
Ordered for Deliver at: 12:00pm
Actual Delivery Time: 12:07pm!
Grades:
Taste: B+
Aesthetics: C-
CTT Ratio: C+
Microwave Time: not needed
Intangibles:
Round chips. The first we've seen since beginning this endeavor
Sour cream on the side
Chili was delicious and did not taste how wet dog smells
Decent CTT; some chips were soggy, but it was so yummy that we dealt with it LIKE ADULTS
Deal Breakers:
No guac. You know now that this is a huge foul for us.
Smoothie was watery (Jon can elaborate at your request)
"Super nachos" do not have a meat option, swaying us from ordering them.
Conclusion: EXPLOSIONs; Put meat on the super nachos so they can actually be super- C'mon Midtown Rest.
Overall: B-
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Happy Taco (brought to you by East Palace)
Disclaimer: Heather had a scheduling conflict and missed another Nacho Day (someone just had to go on vacation). However, when one member of the team goes to the bench, another steps up and that person today is our friend, and my fellow (half) Asian, Maxine. Under these circumstances, we obviously had to order from the Tex-Mex restaurant brought to you by the Chinese restaurant. It's about to get crazian up in here.
What We Ordered:
N2. Guacamole Nachos
N5. Shrimp Nachos
Estimated Delivery Time: 60 - 75 min
Actual Delivery Time: 72 min
Grades:
Taste: C-
Aesthetics: D
CTT Ratio: B+
Microwave Time: 30 seconds
Intangibles:
Very inexpensive; under $6 each (or the equivalent of a chocolate cake from Cilantro)
Sour cream and mystery tomato sauce/dip/shots on the side
Somewhat microwavable in styrofoam container, but not ideal, because of the "death by styrofoam"
Shrimp was delicious and probably from an ancient Chinese recipe
Phenomenal CTT ratio; nearly 1:1
Deal Breakers:
Chips were made of some sort of chewable plastic
Jalapeños on top; not mixed in, but still a major threat to Jon's well-being
Guacamole was not included as a topping in all orders -- big mistake, HUGE
Cheese congealed over a single outside layer of chips, leaving chips on the inside bland, creating what we call in the business, "The Ryan Lochte Effect" -- cheesy on the outside, dull and empty on the inside
Conclusion: Cheap meal; chips may have been leftover combat rations from the Vietnam War; Happy Taco? More like Not So Happy Taco amirite?
Overall: C-
#reviews#Happy Taco#Maxine the Builder#crazian#ancient Chinese secret#chewable plastic#Ryan Lochte Effect#Vietnam War
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Phoenix Park
Disclaimer: Okay, so we did it again. We took Nacho Day to the STREETZ. And by "STREETZ" we mean a bar. Please note that the rating here is biased due to a reduced prep-to-mouth time since nachos were consumed on site.
What We Ordered:
Loaded Nachos with Turkey Chili
Time of Actual Delivery to table: approx. 25 minutes
Grades:
Taste: C-
Aesthetics: C
CTT Ratio: D
Microwave Time: No need to microwave
Intangibles:
Large Portion
Fresh jalapeños (again, a plus for Heather and a minus for Jon, who is still a wuss)
A lot of (flavorless) guacamole, meaning the intentions were good
Served on a silver platter (we can assume that it was sterling)
Deal Breaker:
SOUR CREAM EVERYWHERE, seeping into every crevice, contaminating everything (gross!...unless you're in to that sort of thing)
Turkey chili tastes how wet dog smells
Zero forks given. It got messy.
Not enough chips for the slop
Conclusion: "I regret eating that." -Heather
Overall: C-
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Cilantro (1st Ave.)
Disclaimer: Heather had a conflict on Nacho Day and couldn't partake in our nacho critiquing today. But we got our good friend Colleen (who is famously known for being from Texas) to sub in and give her amateur analysis.
What We Ordered:
Aztec Nachos (Lunch)
- Jack & Cheddar cheese, beans, jalapeños, sour cream, pico de gallo and guacamole
Estimated Delivery Time: 45 - 60 min
Actual Delivery Time: 54 min
Grades:
Taste: C
Aesthetics: B
CTT Ratio: F+
Microwave Time: Impossible to microwave
Intangibles:
Multicolored chips -- demonstrating a commitment to diversity
Very generous amount of toppings; mixed well
Guacamole, source cream, and pico de gallo were on the side for dipping
While the container was made of aluminum (making it impossible to microwave), they doubled up on the containers to provide additional insulation; +1 for thoughtfulness
Deal Breakers:
Jalapeños were mixed in and not on the side; -1 for potentially attempting to kill Jon
Way too many beans -- to the point that we firmly believe there is now a black beans shortage on the Upper East Side
Chips at the bottom became soggy and inedible
No cilantro in sight = pathological liars
$6 chocolate cake
Conclusion: Colleen attempted to sabotage Nacho Day and was only able to eat for 14 minutes instead of the typical 60 minute celebration; first time we didn't finish our nachos because it was inedible; $6 CHOCOLATE CAKE?!
Overall: D
After photo:
#cilantro#colleen#Multicolored Chips#inedible#attempted murder#too many beans#saboteur#needed to take out a loan for this#nacho disaster#reviews
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The Stumble Inn
Disclaimer: Okay, so we did something nontraditional this time and we didn't order delivery. Please be reminded that this review is likely biased because the time between preparation and nacho consumption was drastically lower than usual.
What We Ordered:
Beef Nachos
Sierra Nevada & Hoegaarden beers
Time of Actual Delivery to table: 15 minutes
Grades:
Taste: A
Aesthetics: B+
CTT Ratio: D
Microwave Time: No need to microwave
Intangibles:
Extremely Fresh
Large Portion
Multicolored Chips
Sour Cream on the side
Covered with a LOT of jalapenos (which had to be picked off because Jon is a wuss. Don't worry, Heather loved them.)
Deal Breaker:
NO GUACAMOLE. Like, at all (major foul)
Too many toppings for the amount of chips allotted
Screaming female in bar made nacho concentration extremely difficult if not impossible.
Lemon wedge a little large for Hoegaarden opening. Had to be gently coerced in to feel nice.
Conclusion: Great taste; loud females; good beer; happy hour special is lovely
Overall: B
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R.I.P Schmidt
It's with a heavy heart that we report the loss of one from our extended family. Schmidt, goldfish/friend of Heather has passed from an undisclosed illness. We are very saddened by this loss, but we will get through this together. As you eat your nachos today, take a moment of silence and pour some guac out for Schmidt. Rest easy my friend.
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