sex isn't sexy unless it's a little bit gross. have you forgotten that you are a divine ape? plastic smooth skin, plucked hair, painted faces, scripted reactions, scrubbed til only the smell of perfumed soap remains, proportions that are conflictingly cookiecutter yet unattainable, none of this is even a little bit interesting.

you can laugh at napoleon's "home in three days, don't bathe" letter to his wife, but there's more sexuality in that one line then there is in the entirety of the hypersexualized but painfully unsexy internet.

How Tony Stark takes care of you when you’re on your period

Headcanons Tony Stark x reader (female reader, no pronouns) Warnings: talks of period, blood, allusions to sex

- He'd be quite oblivious at first - and clueless on what to do! - He'd have to read some stuff on the internet, search out advice from some women he knows and trusts - and eventually he'd just ask you what you need, how he can help - First of all, he makes sure to track your menstrual cycle so he can always be better prepared - Tony loves pampering you - it's one of his ways of showing affection and caring for you - and he gets even more caring and attentive during your period - He knows what your main cravings are and he keeps the house stocked up with your favorite foods and beverages - He'd always make sure to have a little stash of period hygene products in the bathroom for you - and if you run out of pads, don’t worry, he’ll make a run to the store for you - He'd also love to surprise you with a chocolate bar and a forehead kiss in the middle of the day, when you least expect it - Or you'd get in your car to go to work and find a little chocolate bar, flowers, and a love note from him - Or Dum-E shows up with chocolate and a little love note from Tony - He knows you get a bit more tired and sleepy when you're on your period, so he'd try to ease your work load, make sure you're getting plenty of sleep, and making sure you're also eating healthy foods - He'd let you nap all you want and would also join you and offer you cuddles - he'd be your personal little heat pack! - Now, Tony Stark is already the biggest cuddle bug you know - and he gets even more cuddly when you're on your period, okay? - He'll drop whatever he's doing to go cuddle with you if you ask him - specially if you use the puppy dog eyes, he can't say no to them! - And oh his cuddles... just him holding you and gently massaging your back or rubbing your tummy to ease your pain, kissing your forehead, gently playing with your hair - He gets much more affectionate - cuddles, forehead kisses, hugs, sweet pecks on your lips and cheeks - Oh he will never shy away from period sex! A true warrior is never afraid to get his sword dirty with blood, right? - Always willing to give you a couple orgasms to help ease your cramps - shower sex, anyone? - And he's always so sweet and attentive, always making sure you're comfortable - Oh, and what if you accidentally leak on his bedsheets? He would never get mad at you for that, okay?! He knows it's an accident and he makes sure you know it's okay - Gets you to the bathroom so you can clean yourself up and put on clean clothes - In the meantime, he changes the bedsheets - and don't worry, he's become an expert in cleaning blood stains - Once you're done in the bathroom, he takes you back to bed and cuddles you, playing with your hair as you fall asleep in his arms - Tony Stark loves you and he loves taking care of you - your period self is no exception - He'll always make sure you're well taken care of, comfortable, and happy - Honestly, having Tony Stark around when you're on your period makes everything much more bearable