"proud immortal demon way? more like proud immortal demon GAY,,, heh good one amrite fellas"

*peerless cucumber spawns behind me and holds a gun to my head while delivering a vaguely homoerotic speech about how luo binghe is in fact the most heterosexual stud to ever heterosexual. he is not holding the gun right and would probably manage to kill himself instead if he shot. he does not notice this.*

Scum villain crack fic idea:

One or more of the peak lords switch places in time with their younger selves for like a week and basically decides to spend that time gossiping. “It’s so nice to be able to not hear Shen-Shixiong and his husbands causing another scandal” “An Ding is so much warmer without the King of the North in semi-permanent residence” “Have you heard of ‘The resentment of Chunshan?’”

This person just keeps dropping multiple bombshells and is low key revealing in the chaos. The current head disciples and previous peak lords are loosing their shit at the idea that not only is TLJ roaming free, the demon realm is united, HHP is run by a half demon, etc, but also that, at minimum two peak lords are married to demon royalty.

For comedic purposes I propose that this au includes as many peak lords as possible in some sort of human-demon relationship.

Minds are blown with the mention of SQH being both the King of the North’s Consort, but also advisor to the demon emperor.

SQQ the leacher is in a committed gay relationship with two men? With his Disciple?? Who is said Current Demonic Emperor?! And LIU QINGGE?!

Tianlang-jun and YQY’s relationship is like two divorcees who bond over missing their spouses. Do Not Separate that is his emotional support demon/peak lord.

QQQ and SHL become gossip buddies after she marries LMY.

MQF the doctor meets the ultimate snakeboy (anti venom!) who is Also part Heavenly Demon (ultimate cure all!!!!)(on Qiong Ding with his uncle) and decides he’s keeping him. A relationship originating from medical researcher & subject of research becomes an extremely close friendship. They are very done with everyone’s nonsense.

WQW and Six Balls are engaged.

my ipad almost crashed while making this no im not taking it as a sign

At least one person's got to have read PIDW and been like "this is a parody, right? This is so bad but definitely on some level self aware that this has got to be parody, right?"

Imagine if Cucumber-bro was so mad at this person that he suggested PIDW for nomination to some prestigeous literature award under the parody and satire genre: expecting it to immediately get thronwn out as laughable so he could prove a point.

He and Airplane both die, but in the oops computer get noodled that killed Airplane, the day's chapter - still only 8k and incomplete - got posted. It 'ends' on a like about how Binghe was doomed to go on having temporarily satisifying indestinguishable adventures to feed an endless hunger for love without depth that could never truly be satisfied. (The unwritten last 2k of the chapter, where Binghe gets 'no you're super important and we all love you orgies' never made it to the page, let alone accidentally during-mortem published.)

So the literary awards look at that ending and go "oh, wow, what a subtle and clever parody? The artist has disappeared since despite being online every day to post for three years before this? Magnificent! Performance art!"

And when Airplane hits return home/other excuse for Cumplane bros holiday to reality, they get back to a world where Airplane is considered a literary genius in the parody genre and it's all Cucumber's fault.

i keep thinking that qijiu cant hurt me anymore and then i go on this godforsaken hellsite. why do we cause each other pain like this.

Even though I think he handles it the same way (being externally supportive but internally sad) I think Yue Qingyuan is in some ways MORE jealous of Shang Qinghua than Binghe

Like he watches Shen Qingqiu hit Shang Qinghua with fan and call him a useless wretch and a waste of space and is like: That used to be me :(

Shen Qingqiu kisses Binghe in front of Yue Qingyuan: he smiles fondly at their happiness before going on a private walk where he can sighs wistfully and think of his old hopes and dreams

Shen Qingqiu threatens to kill Shang Qinghua in front of Yue Qingyuan: he goes home to day drink and cry about what he once had

And I said: I do not want to be great, I want to be loved.

– Sue Zhao

tbh i dunno why so many sj apologists are anti-yqy. because like????? he is your mascot. he was the originator. the head honcho of excusing sj's levels of unmitigated villainy. look into my eyes and tell me that qi ge wouldn't blush and kick his feet if he saw xiao jiu commit murder. actually we don't NEED to imagine bc jiumei did just that and yue qi just grabbed his hand and ran, no thoughts head empty. arson? child abuse?? yue qi doesn't care. whatever makes xiao jiu happy <3

fem!, modern moshang!!! sqh writes scum gong cheap shou novels in this au and constantly has to self-censor before the chinese government does <3 when she transmigrates into one of her novels she tries to seduce beibei because everyone knows there are only three types of female characters in BL: bitch, fujoshi, lesbian, and she'd probably get murdered by sj or lbg if she wrote rpf of them. now, you'd think that their relationship explicitly being NON-platonic would make them communicate but they're still moshang so...

oh and in this universe i think shen yuan's meimei should be the one who transmigrates bc i have this vague memory of her canonically reading hardcore bondage danmei (maybe it was a headcanon?) but i feel like she'd still have discerning taste...yk maybe she hooks up with minglingning

people are like "sy is so oblivious, how can he not realize liu qingge is in love with him" but when i first read svsss i was woefully unaware of the sy wifebeam. yall i was reading the scene where lbh is like "shizun waits so dutifully for liu-shishu" and thinking "silly lbh, why is he so jealous? it's so funny how he thinks liu qingge is a serious threat when he only tolerates sqq because of his life debt" when lqg fought 5 years to get sqq's body i was like "wow this really showcases the dedication of cang qiong sect to its members lqg is such a tsundere he refuses to admit he actually cares about sqq as a friend" im so glad im not a 20something chinese twink bc i would be in DANGER

bonus horrendously incorrect take from me: i thought mobei-jun was gonna be the antagonist

doodled some fem!sqq!!!

this is a modern! au where bingbing is extremely horny for her art teacher and sy thinks they are gal pals. why is bingqiu so yuri. someone described them as a trophy wife X housewife and that's so true.

wanna draw fem sqh next!! fem moshang scratches an itch in my brain i was deadass trying to go to sleep and failing bc i kept thinking about them and giggling and kicking my feet. ugh i wanna a stoic hot sugar mommy too pls

does anyone else have horny and non-horny ships? like binggeyuan is totally a horny ship & so is anything with tianlang-jun. i don't really read that much pwp but i will read the FILITHIEST things if they involve a heavenly demon ig. but tender binggeyuan always just seems so...wrong. tbh i think you have to be in a certain state of mind to truly appreciate the freak4freak dynamic they have going on...like any reasonable person would dump lbg's ass but then again sy has the wife halo so it all works out.

but recently i've been super into qijiu but they're such a turnoff. istg it's like watching a divorced couple fuck awkwardly. there's not even a hot exes to lovers thing it's just awful. i refuse to believe in hot qijiu smut. even milfjiu can't save it. like sub yqy and dom sj is like amazing in theory but i can't help thinking about how yqy would apologize every 10 seconds for "hurting" sj but not in like a sexy way and just kill the mood. i love them but i cannot read their smut. i will read the worst qijiu fics if they have the right tags but i cannot read pwp. maybe i just need my horizons expanded lol.

recently ive been obsessed w/ qijiu height difference. like yue qi hitting his growth spurt and shen jiu scolding him for it??? shen jiu being short because of the malnutrition he suffered under the qius??? like it would be so noticeable, zhangmen-shixiong who towers over everyone and shen-shixiong, second in command, who's a whole head shorter than him.

also shorter dom X taller sub is just *chef's kiss* and u cannot convince me xiao jiu doesn't know his way around some ropes

random headcanons

scorpius would 100% be obsessed with the Sims and secretly make him and albus and have them get married

albus would secretly care about the lives of his sim children and ask how they’re doing like

“how’s lilliana doing?”

“she got abducted by aliens and she’s pregnant”

“WHAT THE-”