The ending of "Past Lives" explained

I wish I can say goodbye to my Hae Sung. I think me watching Past Lives was my goodbye. It was the closure I needed from all those years. He left my world abruptly just as Nora left Hae Sung's world abruptly.

I could have really looked for him and still can, but I have this deep fear of rejection. Especially from him. He was the first I ever loved and he lived in my heart for a long time. The fear of him not remembering who I am or dismissing me. I couldn't bare to experience that.

I saw this movie when it first came out. I had to. Seeing the previews sparked a feeling from my past. In my opinion, this movie is the movie of 2023. For me, however, it's the movie of my fucking life. This movie gave me so much closure and probably some much needed unanswered questions.

Before going on, spoiler alert. I will be disclosing some pretty major details about the movie.

Just like the characters in the movie, I too experienced a past, unrequited love. It really could have been something and for the past 24 years I always wondered and sometimes regretted how I lost him. Watching this movie gave me the closure I needed. Perhaps I wasn't the one who lost the love, but he was the one who left it.

Retrospectively, I think both of us were really not ready for the love we so intensely felt for each other. I think we both felt something so strongly, but were not emotionally ready. Will he always be my 1st true love? Yes, that's it. My 1st true love I lost.

I'm still here...in square 1. And now more than ever I need to move on. Forward march and ALL THE GTFOs. Everyday I must tell myself forward march. A new plan must be made.

My Turn

When is it my turn to move up in my career? To take a different career? To better myself. I’m always the one being the cheerleader, but where’s mine? Where the fuck is my cheerleader?

My Turn

When is it my turn to move up in my career? To take a different career? To better myself. I’m always the one being the cheerleader, but where’s mine? Where the fuck is my cheerleader?

to create.

When you first fill out your Facebook profile, the endless questionnaire on a dating website, or what your date asks you, “WHAT ARE YOUR HOBBIES?”

I would always try and dig in my brain. I never knew what they were. I couldn’t say fashion because I made that my career. I like shopping, but not enough to say it was a hobby. I guess television? But now, in my 36th year in life, I realize what it is. My husband asked me some time ago, "You don't really have any hobbies huh?" It's been in my mind for sometime now and now I can answer it.

It’s CREATING. It’s putting pen to paper, creating with my hands, cooking in the kitchen, clicking that camera, sewing (although I haven’t done that in a while), hand making bows (Harajuku Mini days), inking a hand drawn sketch, creating anything on Adobe Photoshop & Illustrator. It’s just creating.  When I was little, I loved coloring and crayons. I loved to draw. Art was my favorite subject in school. When it came to any kind of arts n crafts assignment, I was more involved. There was this specialty office supply store down the street from where I lived. It was more than a regular office supply store because they carried a lot of art supplies. I remember going in there and always gravitating towards that section. I loved looking at all the art supplies; the various drawing pads, markers, pencils. To this day, I can still enjoy going to an art supply store to admire all the supplies.

There's not one specific  thing I like to do, like photography (although, that's a huge interest of mine) or sewing (because I don't have a sewing machine), but it's the love of creating something that you imagined. Something that you created in your mind and made it come to life. It's beautiful.

I couldn't even read the whole article. 😢 As much as I would love to have the freedom to send Emmett to the best rated public schools, I'd rather sacrifice that freedom for Science Programs and Student Aid. #EducationBudget #BudgetCuts #SciencePrograms #StudentAid #WhatAboutTheChildren #WhatAboutEducation #OurChildrenAreTheFuture #FuckTrump

The wind blew this frame off the mantle and shattered the glass. To whomever or whatever you are that wants me to stop dreaming big, sparkling more, and shining bright. FUCK YOU.

Today is New Year's Eve and although its raining in Los Angeles, it's gloomy AF, and the weather isn't helping with my glum mood, I am still hopeful for tomorrow and what the new year will bring me and my family. 2016 brought me many highs and lows. One that is very obvious is the arrival of Emmett. For those that don't know, this year has been an emotionally challenging for me as well. It's been a year of growth and realization. While I still have a long way to go, I'm feeling hopeful and positive. Happy New Year Friends and Family! I love you all! 😍🚕🎉🍾🎊

Before I finish inking this... 10.18.16 It's been so long since I've sketched. Not on the computer, that's my 9-5 job. It's been awhile since I've sketched for myself. I forgot how much I enjoy it. My favorite part is inking it and have it come to life with color. I'll start off slow with objects first. Today is one chuck. #MLEBsketches #sketches #sketching #illustration #FashionIllustration

my next sunshine

During a time full of sunshine and happiness, my heart lives in the trenches of darkness and hurt. Wanting to see the light, I want to dig through the darkness, but hate and anger pull me quickly down. Dear God, when can I see the sunshine and light of day again?

the light.

Lately, I’ve been dreaming of this dark forest full of weeds. And I feel like I’ve been there before, but also seems distant and unfamiliar. It’s hard to move around and a lot of the time in my dream, I’m stuck in, quicksand. I never sink though. I’m just there. Trapped. But sometimes, if I manage to get out, I see this speckle of light in the distance. Im always curious to see what it is. So I keep going towards the light, but the closer I get to it, the further it seems to be.

I want to be free. I want to see my light.

dismissed.

It started in Jr. High. Dismissing people as protection, as loyalty. And then I got a little older, and this time was tough. This one took a piece of my heart, my innocence. And now, the ultimate challenge, the one I wish I can dismiss, the one I want to, but can’t. This one is of blood, of life, a provider; not one of love, but of possessions. A sweet trade that became a long time habit. Cover one fucked up thing with a little sweet treat. I was once a sweet girl who waited everyday to come home is now a damaged and broken soul who wants to forget her family of disappointments.

Only you and I

When we were kids, we waited patiently We were taught without love and encouragement We were “loved” with money, with earthly possessions We did not know any better. We are broken, like Humpty Dumpty. Damaged with some hope of repair. In the end, we only have each other dear brother. Only you and I.

Story of my fucking life

These gems were found while Eisen was cleaning out the office. I should frame these. #CSUNFashionShow #PortfolioProject

I wanted to add one of those inspirational, motivational quotes on the bottom of my email signature at work. I was scrolling through many on a random quotes website and I thought back to my life and who motivated me. With the recent happenings of my family, I’ve been thinking a lot about the lack of parenting my brother and I had as kids. My mom was great. She has always been our biggest cheerleader. It was my dad. I was 5 and he was teaching me how to read. I was almost there, but not quite. I remember I was having trouble with one of the most simplest words in the english language, “AND”.  At the time, I remember struggling with the word and having such a hard time pronouncing each letter. If I think back hard enough, I can remember that feeling of defeat. I felt defeated my by dad’s lack of patience and his frustration. When I think back to that moment, that was the very first time he gave up on me.

I wish it ended there, but there’s more. This time I was 2 years older. It was time for me to learn how to ride a bike. Most of my friends in our neighborhood knew how to ride a bike except for my brother and I. I was the oldest, so I guess i was up to bat first. I don’t remember exactly how it went down, but I do remember I was on the bike and I felt scared and my dad just feeling frustrated again because I wasn’t getting it. It was my friends who taught me how to ride a bike. 

If I really think about my parents have only really been there for my brother and I financially. My friends and cousin have been there for me emotionally. I can’t say much for my brother. He’s going through a late discovery of himself. While most people go through that in their teens and 20s, he’s going through it now. It saddens me that he’s discovering himself now and that a lot of the things that my dad didn’t support us with really affected him. It affected him more than it affected me and THAT pisses me off. As the older sibling, it is my responsibility to protect him, especially if it’s my parents that are doing the harm. 

I know this person will never read this, but this goes out to YOU.

YOU are DEAD to me. Each time you inch your way forward, the nothingness that has become you grows bigger and bigger. Your voice and the words you speak mean nothing to me. Every time I hear your voice, I wish I had internal ear buds that will play loud music to drown out your unpleasant voice. Every time I have to let you visit, I just want to get it over with so YOU can leave already. Stop pushing and stop trying and maybe…just maybe your nothingness will disappear.