I let you in I dont let people in, but I let you I let you in where no one has ever been Where no one could ever reach So deep, so dark and I let you.

AM (via wnq-writers)

me, violently beating back my emotions with a broom: for the last time i said shut the FUCK up

There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves; it is not my nature. My attachments are always excessively strong.

Jane Austen (via remoonus)

Moodboard: Remus Lupin

You (2018), dir. Marcos Siega Season 1 Episode: Amour Fou

peterpettiew‌:

An hour past between the time of the two of them returning home and watching tv. Peter didn’t feel as incredibly drunk like he had an hour ago. The buzz was dropping. Peter’s head was still comfortably nestled on Remus’ shoulder. He was slipping in and out of consciousness watching Parks and Rec and listening to Remus talk. Peter was comfortable and warm. Being in Remus’ presence made things warmer for him, however he couldn’t explain it. Peter’s stomach turned into knots, he let out a loud sigh before turning his head to look up at Remus. 

Tomorrow seems like a really far away from now. Peter sat up quickly shaking his head, he put his hand up on his head to act as if he had a raging migraine. Peter didn’t want to think of tomorrow. Peter wanted to stay here in the moment with Remus, with the one that he truly needed. However, he couldn’t stay. He couldn’t stay here. “Remus, go take my bed. I’m sorry the room is kinda messy, but it’s the only decent place to sleep. I’ll stay here on the couch. I won’t get much sleep from what’s running around in my head. You deserve the sleep Remus.” Peter pleaded with Remus to take the bed. “It’s the only decent thing I can do for you tonight Moony.” 

Peter grabbed the tea that Remus had brewed for him, it had gone cold but he didn’t care. He took a large drink before placing the glass back on the table. Peter turned back toward Remus. His eyes were still red and puffy, but that was because he was tired. Peter wanted to fix everything. “I’ll come cuddle you for a bit if you want?” Peter raised an eyebrow toward him, letting a small smile appear on his face.

He wasn’t watching the TV. It was rolling on, autoplaying the next episode and then a third, but Remus couldn’t have even said which season they were on. He moved from tobacco to tea and once he had nothing left to occupy himself with he settled for watching Peter, mind working a hundred miles an hour. At first it had felt like a bizarre rumour and which in the anger and confusion of those first couple of days, fuelled by the stress of the Full Moon, Remus hadn’t known what to think but it had been difficult not to believe the whispers when nobody else was questioning it as fact. He felt like every hour of every day up until this point he had gone back and forth on what he believed, what he thought, how he felt. None of it made sense.

All he needed was to get them to tomorrow morning, sober and hopefully rested and still there where it was safe. Then, Peter could talk and Remus could get the answers he needed to understand this.

His heart stuttered when Peter moved so suddenly. Would Peter leave if Remus left him alone in the front room? Even if he didn’t, Remus knew he would get no sleep, listening to make sure he was still there. If Peter left, then Remus would have his answer, in a way, but he would just be the fool who went back home with a traitor and yet didn’t get any information about why the betrayal had happened -- what he could have done to stop it; where the weaknesses in the Order were; what Peter’s new place in the Death Eaters was. No, Peter had to stay. Remus would keep hope that it would all fall into place in the form of his best friend having merely been framed, because that would be the easiest news to digest, but no matter what had happened that night, Remus needed this chance to find out for himself. If only to stop himself from doubting everything.

“You should sleep, too. I am so tired of--” sleeping alone. But he wasn’t sure how to admit that when he normally slept alone. Everything felt colder and lonelier now, but Remus should still be used to falling asleep in a bed of his own. Instead, he grasped at the opportunity Peter gave him with his offer of a cuddle. Peter had been close to falling asleep on Remus’s shoulder. Maybe if he fell asleep before he could slip away from the bed...

Remus nodded desperately. “Okay. Okay, drink this first.” He took the hangover potion that had been forgotten on the coffee table and handed it to Peter. “It will help in the morning.” And hopefully clear his head enough that sleep overcame him instead of the spins. Then, Remus stood, reaching out to pull Peter to his feet as well.

Please stop destroying what is left of your heart by constantly thinking about things that have broken you.

Nikita Gill (via wordsnquotes)

evanxbringingthesexybackxrosier‌:

“Yeah and most people dont come here at this hour. I would suggest staying away from this location before dinner unless you want to see couples making out but i am gonna assume you already know that.”he said as he watched the boy closely. He hadn’t really seen in or taken in his appearance until today. He wasnt sure what it was but he was feeling things which he shouldnt be, specially considering he barely knew him. Also, he was a boy. It had taken him a long time to accept that he was attracted to guys and girls but still he felt like he was out of his depths around guys. He knew how to be with a girl, how to approach her and be charming but with a guy? He was fucking clueless and his gaydar was non existentso to hit on a guy who turned out to be straight wont bode well for him. Considering how fast the news traveled in hogwarts.

“I feel you. Half of seniors are making out in our common room and the other half in our dorms. It was a party which meant something else until last year.” he said dryly as he accepted the bottle back and took a large swig from it. “If i saw another couple making out in front of me i wasnt sure what i was gonna do, so, i decided to come here. I am surprised you are here alone?”he said offhandedly but sneaked a glance at hom wondering if his answer would clue him in on whether the guy was into well, guys or not.

Remus nodded in understanding. The party scene had never particularly been his. It felt claustrophobic with people when Remus would always prefer something smaller and more intimate with the closest of his friends. Recently he had found numbing the situation with weed made it slightly easier, perhaps in the way others used alcohol but he still only went to them because his friends were going to them. On occasion, they could create some cover for a romantic tryst but while Remus had not struggled too much in admitting to himself that he was gay, he still had a lot of reasons to hide the fact. He could never see himself as the sort of person to make out in the middle of a party.

That didn’t mean that sometimes it wasn’t worth taking a jump of faith. He just tried to keep the rest of the world out of his business. His gaze lingered on the bottle, watching as Evan’s lips wrapped around the top. In the back of his mind, he knew he wouldn’t even be noticing Evan if it weren’t for his feeling sexually frustrated but that was how Remus liked them: distant enough that they could part ways after and pretend it never happened and no friendships could be ruined in the process.

“I have no idea where Peter-- Well-- Where my other dormmates are. I had been doing Prefect things and did not see them,” he gave as explanation for why he was alone, not catching the reason Evan had asked but missed connotations or not, Remus would still give Evan the answer he wanted. Eyes still on those lips and a pull of lust in the pit of his stomach, he leaned closer, determined not to think about the Marauders any longer. “I am pretty glad I came here alone, actually. It is easier to meet new people this way.” He let out a low chuckle. “Plus, if I had found a guy to come with me, you might have seen another couple making out and I would hate to do that to you.”

Hogwarts, c. 2010

I. My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark by Fall Out Boy Burn everything you love / then burn the ashes / in the end everything collides / my childhood spat back the monster that you see

II. Welcome to the Black Parade by My Chemical Romance Son, when you grow up / Would you be the savior of the broken / The beaten and the damned? And though you're dead and gone believe me / Your memory will carry on

III. Radioactive by Imagine Dragons I raise my flags, don my clothes / It's a revolution, I suppose / We'll paint it red to fit right in

IV. Seven Nation Army by The White Stripes And I'm talking to myself at night / Because I can't forget / Back and forth through my mind / Behind a cigarette / And the message coming from my eyes / Says leave it alone

V. Sharp Edges by Linkin Park Sharp Edges have consequences / I guess I had to find out for myself / Now every scar is a story I can tell

VI. Empire to Ashes by Sleeping with Sirens Hey, feels like we're caged animals / Looking for the antidote / To break the chains they put us in / Yeah you can call it cynical / Maybe I'm just miserable / But there's no way I'm giving in

VII. Maybe Tomorrow by Stereophonics I've been down and / I'm wondering why / These little black clouds / Keep walking around / With me

VIII. Guiding Light by Muse If we come back and we're broken / Unworthy and ashamed / Give us something to believe in / And you know we'll go your way

IX. When I Watch The World Burn, All I Think About Is You by Bastille Well it fucked me up / When I fell for you / The world is ending / But here in my head I'm drunk on you

X. Stressed Out by Twenty-One Pilots I was told when I get older all my fears would shrink / But now I'm insecure and I care what people think

XI. Brighter by Paramore Well this is not your fault / But if I'm without you / Then I will feel so small

XII. Wake Me Up When September Ends by Green Day Here comes the rain again / Falling from the stars / Drenched in my pain again / Becoming who we are

XIII. Somethings Gotta Give by All Time Low Wake me up / Say enough is enough / I'm dying to live / Something's gotta give

XIV. Alone Together by Fall Out Boy I don't know where you're going / But do you got room for one more troubled soul

(via https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4Tm4SnNEXpRCHk2rMIiqMA?si=JsYI20woQ8KQ_2q_4m_LGQ)

fierylily-evans‌:

Nodding, Lily gave a hum, “I’m sorry she’s in danger. I wish you didn’t feel like you had to watch your every move,” but she knew he did. Lily understood what it was like, to a lesser degree, but she understood it. Despite the fact that Lily’s family had made their disapproval of her very clear after graduation, it hurt to know that even if they wanted to see her, she couldn’t without putting them at risk. Shaking her head, she gave him something akin to a smile, “No, hey, I would love that. If not today, another day for certain. Honestly, I love your mum Remus, and I would be happy to see her,” she answered. Part of Lily wanted to go back to the flat and lay down for a while, but then, she had already felt as though Remus was lost. If going with him stopped him from being left alone with his thoughts, she would gladly do so. Lily gave him a searching look before she answered, “Remus, I’ve spent all day getting pity from strangers. It’s - your mum is family, it’s entirely different. It would actually be nice to see a comforting presence.” 

James had been their glue. It was something Lily had always known, but had never actively had to acknowledge. Seeing how they functioned without him had made it abundantly clear that he had been what kept everyone together. Since his death, she could already feel their dynamics shifting. Lily loved her family, and would be damned if they lost anyone else, but she didn’t know how to be there for Remus at the present time. There was a disconnect between them that Lily couldn’t explain and was afraid to address. She didn’t know why he was pulling away from her, as she had expected him to be holding on tight to her. Remus was the brother she had never had, and she didn’t know what to do with the fact that he was pulling away. “You’re family, and so is she, and honestly, I could use a mum visit,” she admitted.

Remus could hardly believe it when Lily agreed to go with him. He had waited a long time for everyone in his life to turn their backs on him. He knew it would happen eventually. Once they got over the novelty of having a werewolf as a friend, or finally woke up to how dangerous he was, or got tired of constantly having to look after him when he was sick, they would go. Like his father had. He couldn’t bear the thought of losing Lily and Sirius in that way. His father and Peter and James he had lost in very different ways, but each case reinforced his feeling that everyone he cared about was going to leave. The curse in his bite must have included more than the curse everybody associated with it, happy memories only serving to make the bad times more devastating.

It felt easier to pull away from Lily and Sirius, to push them away from befalling the curse, than to watch them choose to walk away.

And yet, it hurt to keep pushing because at the back of his mind was James’s voice telling him to stop, and the logical thoughts that reminded him that he was more likely to lose them by pushing if he carried on like this.

“She’ll be glad to see you,” he said, a warm feeling in his chest at the thought of Lily being there too. Away from the people he couldn’t stand who were at this funeral and somewhere it felt safe to talk and collapse. “Well... actually I don’t even know if she’ll be there. I haven’t spoken to her since... I couldn’t even...” He hadn’t even managed to tell her himself that James was dead. He guessed his step-mum would have told her by now based on the vague text messages from both of them expressing their love for him, but he hadn’t felt up to replying. “Are you sure you can go now?” In the middle of the funeral. Those insecurities started to settle in again.

fierylily-evans‌:

shameless-siriusly‌:

Sirius let out a long sigh through his nose. He knew Remus had a point, but he was stubborn and he didn’t want things to change despite the fact that they had to, and then, not sure quite what to reply, his eyes turned to Lily. And that’s when he realized it. The pack had changed. Sirius’s eyes always went to James’s, his left hand man, but with him gone, that position had swiftly moved to Lily, and it wasn’t until her eyes met his that he realized it. Lily was now second in command to him in the pack. Without any time to grieve, the magic in it had snapped and changed and set someone else in James’s spot. “What do you think, Lils? I’m more than ready to fight for my spot, but I’m not going to force Moony to do something he doesn’t want to,” he said, his eyes moving to Remus. “You know right? You know we’re still here? You aren’t alone, even if they aren’t here. I need you, Remus Lupin, to understand that we’re still family, we’ve still got you, and each other.”

@fierylily-evans​

It happened without any warning and suddenly Sirius was turning to her for advice. Before, she tended to follow whatever Sirius and James came up with, despite being the one to make decisions outside of the pack. However, she could see that it was clear now more than ever that she was now the second in command. 

God she had never expected things to change this quickly. Yet, here they were and she had to give them something, anything, that would mean something. Lily had never intended to be second in command, and had always left that position up to James without second thought. However, James wasn’t here, and the best thing she could do was honor him as best she could, whilst also taking in the severity of the situation. 

“I think we should stay in here. If things get out of control, we’re going to know, and if Mooney needs us to help reel things in, we’re going to feel it. Otherwise, we should stay here. That way, Mooney knows he hasn’t been fully abandoned, but it also might not cause a direct fight,” she answered, giving him her best guess, given the situation. She didn’t want to force anything on Mooney that might set him off, but she also didn’t want Remus to feel as though he’d been abandoned. 

He was tired and strung out and when he tried to retch again, nothing happened, his stomach completely empty. Remus didn’t want to argue any more, and while he was terrified of what might happen, a selfish part of him didn’t want to be alone. He hadn’t been alone since summer holidays during Hogwarts. He scratched at the corner of his eye, hoping to cover up the emotion that showed there. If he focused hard enough on the pain in his muscles, he could forget why they were such a small group. “Okay,” he croaked. He stubbed his joint onto a table covered in other scorch marks (the ash tray having been smashed the night they got it). “I should--” It was a little of a struggle to sit up and it felt now like all his bones were on fire, but that was why now was the best time to undress before he ruined another good set of clothes, so he carefully pulled his jumper off over his head.

@shameless-siriusly​

helenarosier‌:

Denial was a fickle beast, and Helena could see it passing over Remus the moment it started. Helena wished she was wrong, but she knew better. They might have obliviated his memory, but it was more likely because they thought there was a chance of him exposing the real killer. Peter was hardly the most reliable person. Helena shook her head, “You asked, and I gave you an answer. Forcing Peter to lure him there would have been more work than it was worth, and for what? If it was a misunderstanding, why didn’t he just come to you guys right away? Why go to the Black’s manor instead?” she asked, frustrated that he’d asked a question but refused to hear the answer. Helena gave a shrug, “I love my family Remus, more than I could ever explain, but I’m working for the Order right under their noses. Sometimes, there are motives greater than love,” she answered, giving him a helpless shrug. 

Watching him abruptly get up to leave, Helena knew the subject needed to be dropped. She nodded, “I hope these help, and I’ll be sure to pass the message to Rabastan. Stay safe, Remus,” she replied, giving him a small smile.

Remus pressed his lips together tightly, unable to really listen. Her words flowed over him without really sinking in. He still couldn’t believe that yesterday James had been there and now he wasn’t. He had no idea what had really happened, the only truth he knew was the body he had seen but he couldn’t believe the rumours and Helena had said herself that they didn’t trust her enough for her to really know. Remus had to tell himself she was only guessing because he wasn’t ready to accept anything else. It was in silence, and with no more than a small nod that he left her office, closing the door behind him.

END.

evanxbringingthesexybackxrosier‌:

Evan Rosier was bored out of his fucking mind and was feeling restless.The year seemed to be dragging. There was a small party going on in the common room but for some reason he just couldnt seem to enjoy himself which was rare. He lived for these parties. Thankfully, everyone was too busy to notice that he had slipped out with a bottle of vodka for himself. He didnt want to deal with all the questions because he really didnt know what was wrong. He hadnt felt this lost in a very long time. 

He knew the risks of stepping out in the middle of the night with a bottle of alcohol but Evan being Evan didnt really give a fuck about anything. Or so he would like to think. The image of two boys making out entered his mind and he scoffed at himself. Sure, he didnt care about what people thought of him. Even after everything his father has put him through he still couldnt help but seek a little validation from the man himself.

Evan reached the astronomy tower which was basically his hide out when he wanted to be alone. He could come up here and drink or smoke up while staring at the beautiful sky with no one to bother him but today seemed like an exception as he saw the boy standing in front of him, not aware of his presence yet. “Nope. Teachers dont really come here unless someone tips them off.” Evan said shrugging recognising Remus as one of Marlene and Lily’s friends. “You not planning to jump off the tower, are you? Cause that would really kill the buzz i have going on.” he said as he offered the bottle of vodka to the boy who seemed to be sad. The least he could do was share some alcohol.

He nodded at Evan’s words, not feeling the need to explain that he knew that, that he had spent more time around the castle out of hours than most other students put together and knew each nook and cranny like the back of his hand. It was that experience that meant he also knew it was naive to think a teacher might not have received a tip-off about his being here. Those portraits could be awful tattle-tales when they wanted to be.

Remus smiled and shook his head. “I just like it up here. It’s quiet.” He accepted the bottle and slugged a drink from it with barely a reaction to the taste. Alcohol didn’t affect him much, he had discovered, despite his young age. He liked to tell himself it was because he was tall and that it had nothing to do with his fast metabolism. “My friend’s hooking up in the dorm,” he said. Both of them. Together. “It makes a boy want to get somewhere else.” He took another sip of the alcohol, tongue catching a stray dribble before it spilled down the outside of the bottle, then passed it back to Evan. In fact, only part of Remus had wanted to get away from the dorm. Something flipped in his stomach as an image flashed through his mind of him leaning over James’s body, skin against skin. Remus felt heady from the thought but he was quick to dismiss any significance of James being in his imagination. It was only because his scent had been so strong. Remus was just regular teenage-boy horny, turned on by anything, it had nothing to do with James.

“What brings you up here?” he asked his companion, feeling all of a sudden very interested in him. His cologne and how closely they sat was almost enough to block out the memory of James and Sirius smelling of sex.

Hogwarts, c. 2010

mary-mxcdonxld‌:

Mary was surprised but grateful to see Remus sliding into the booth across from her. She hadn’t seen that much of him since her return from the conference in America, but she knew that he was staying with Marlene and Sirius instead of returning to the flat he had shared with Peter. And she was sure that he was taking this just as hard as the rest of them, if not worse. Mary knew full well how prone Remus was to blaming himself whenever things went wrong, and she suspected that he blamed himself for not noticing something was up with Peter before all of this had blown up. But Mary could never blame Remus – none of them would ever have imagined that Peter could do this to James, could do this to them. They weren’t the people to expect that from their friends, and Mary knew that James wouldn’t want them to become those people. 

She smiled at him, but frowned slightly at his words. “His memory? What do you mean? Have you seen him?” Mary couldn’t imagine that would have been a friendly conversation. She tilted her head to the side, observing Remus. He seemed tired, defeated. She supposed that he didn’t really want to talk about Peter – who among them did all that much – but she did want to know what he had found out.

Mary had always been close to Peter and Remus. They had been brothers to her, family that she never would have imagined needing when she was a first or second year at Hogwarts, but family that she had come to depend on. Remus had confided his secret in her in their fifth year, and he had been the first one she had told after she had wiped her family’s memory of her when they all left Hogwarts. She trusted him. She had trusted Peter, too. And even though Peter had broken that trust, Mary wasn’t going to question any of the other people that she trusted. She needed them now more than ever. They all needed each other. “How are you doing, Rem?” She asked softly, shortening his name as she often did when she talked with him. 

There was a slight hesitation before he nodded. “Before... A few days before the funeral,” he said in barely more than a whisper. Seeing Peter was a bitter memory now, his own denial, his determination that Peter would never have done this, just as Remus would never be able to contemplate something like this. It still hurt not to trust Peter, and he couldn’t wipe away the memory of him looking so broken. He couldn’t wipe away years of friendship and love. And even that trust. He knew Peter was involved now, and not by some Dark Magic that had taken away his choice. Yet, Remus also knew that if he saw Peter again it was kill him the moment his eyes lay on him or find himself back in his arms, seeking comfort and familiarity and his best friend. Remus could kill, and certainly for James. It would only take a flick of his wrist, his wand wouldn’t even have to be on him and the traitor would be flying into a wall so hard his neck broke, but even a second’s hesitation and he couldn’t kill Peter because he would kill for Peter, too.

“I’m fine,” he said automatically, but soon shook his head. He couldn’t lie to Mary. She was too good at the look his mam gave him when he tried to lie to her. Remus sometimes wondered if that’s what they did when Mary and Hope spent time together without him -- practised that look of Remus, stop moping and start loving yourself. Not that loving himself was an easy thing for him. It never had been but now Peter had... done that, and James was gone and Remus felt so much to blame and was sure Sirius and Lily blamed him too. (Sirius in particular. His questioning before the Full Moon still rang in Remus’s ears every time he tried to go to sleep. As if Remus could ever do something like that).

“I miss them so much. I-- how long has it even been?” He wasn’t sure. The days all blurred into one and he could hardly use sleep as a marker between them when it only took him every few days, when exhaustion had wore him down and his body could carry on no longer. Even now, as Remus thought about it, he couldn’t remember the last time he slept. “I can’t do this,” he said, breath hitching. “I can’t do it without them. Without him.” James, or Peter, or both of them, Remus wasn’t even sure himself anymore. Guilt turned in his stomach for daring to grieve and he shook his head. “Sorry. I shouldn’t--” His instinct was to run, but where could he even go? Sirius might have insisted on him staying there, but Remus didn’t feel truly welcome. He felt better at his mums’, but also worse as he feared for their safety and found himself slipping back into the depression that had always consumed him as a child. He had felt the best that night back home with Peter but that now was tinged with lies and deceit and murder.

nrcissa-black‌:

Narcissa knew that she had to see Sirius. He would help her wrap her head around this, he would tell her the truth. She trusted her friends, but Sirius was James’s best friend…he would know the truth. She didn’t want to listen to the rumors that were flying about James and about Peter’s involvement. It hurt too much to think about it all. To know that one of their friends had turned on James and killed him. It just made no sense. None of it made any sense. And she didn’t think that it would ever make sense, truthfully. She wanted to believe that they were going to get through this okay, and that it would all work out. But there was a part of her that was afraid that this was going to destroy them. But if this destroyed them…then she knew that they would have won and James’s death would have been in vain and she couldn’t deal with that possibility either. 

“I hope,” she said, softly. She let him let go of her, and she offered him a small smile. It had been nice, to be hugged, to feel comforted for a few minutes. She nodded her head. “I hope so,” she said. She knew that the Prophet would understand, although they probably wouldn’t be happy about her walking out. But it had been better to leave rather than cry at her desk. “It’s for the best for everyone that i’m not there right now,” she said, softly. She nodded. “I hope so,” she said. 

Remus nodded, but he was at a loss of what else he could say to make things better. Maybe things would never be better. His mind was a whirlwind of contradictory thoughts but all he knew was that losing Peter was losing a limb and losing James was losing his heart and perhaps it was simply that he had lost them yesterday and today was the Full Moon, but losing the both of them felt very much like the wolf was taking over his mind. What was left of him, now? Nothing but a fury he didn’t know where to direct. He couldn’t let any of those emotions show in front of Narcissa. He tried not to show them to anybody if he could help it and it was always more difficult this close to the transformation. In fact, he knew he should be getting going but leaving her alone was the last thing he wanted to do. “Cissa, I have to go. Full Moon tonight and I need to get all of this to my mam’s before it’s too hard to Apparate.” He indicated the rucksack on his shoulder that held everything he had salvaged from his and Peter’s flat. “Is there someone I can take you to so you don’t have to be alone? Sirius, maybe.” Because Remus didn’t expect Sirius and Lily to be there tonight, not with this so raw, and he would rather they weren’t there than that he had to deal with the two glaring holes in their group.