The Difference between Wanting, Needing and Loving….Apple Pie

It’s a cold Friday night and you’re sitting in front of your laptop screen, browsing through the latest movie trailers whilst TLC plays on your flatscreen TV as your preferred ambient cacophony-mirroring your intense boredom with the tattered state of affairs ( current and personal-I mean have you looked at the European borders recently?) like the Murakami book in your bag that soaked for two days in a pool of leaked Pepsi and Old Monk mix-because one never knows when an occasion demands booze but one ALWAYS knows that most often than not, one cannot afford it. Suddenly, Nigella Lawson provocatively leans over a boulder of deep mahogany-flecked baked goodness and slices into the pie with a knife as sharp as the sarcasm you greeted your friends with this morning and slides out a steaming oozy-woozy-boozy goodness of cinnamon-apple pie and you feel like all these years of celibacy was just robbed of you through a forced penetration of mental pleasure that we call foodgasm. You stand up, uncertain, giddy. You observe the pie. You close the YouTube tab and open out nigellalawson.com and you flick through the pictures of the pie, the videos featuring the pie, the people eating the pie and slowly, the pie is all that you can think of. You want that pie. You want Nigella Lawson to make you that pie. You want her to lick her lips as she seductively slobbers over her words whilst sliding that big huge slice of warmth and goodness onto your plate. For the next hour, you move from a situation wherein you start a bakery and attain world-renown-status so great that Nigella Lawson decides that it’s an honour to cook for you, to stalking her through the streets of London and arriving at her doorstep with her son at knifepoint and demanding that she bake it for you…resulting in the most duh-worthy moment of the Stockholm syndrome in which case, she asks you to live with her and thus be fed everyday.

Once you’re done recovering from the fumes of spontaneous combustion that your brain just underwent, you look at the situation more practically. You pick up the phone and decide to call that Aunt of yours who has been asking you to come over for dinner ever since you moved to this part of town 4 years ago. Oh yes. She made some brilliant apple pie, you recount. But then you’d remember that she has two twelve-year-old twins, a 6-month-old baby and a sick mother-in-law and the thought of having to deal with pimple-hormone overdosed pre-teens and two individuals not in control of their bowel movements was enough to deter you from that action.

So then you look around and remember…you have the ingredients listen out there on that recipe. It’s 2 in the morning and all this obsessing over the pie made you forget about dinner altogether. You need some food-loving. So you decide to get your baking brain on-no, not THAT kind of baking you high flying rascal- and get to work. Two and a half hours later, you’re sitting in your balcony with your favourite show on while munching happily on your soggy but beautiful pastry in cinnamon syrup. And yes, your kitchen might be a mess and the pie didn’t look as appetizing as what Nigella made but it’s what you needed. You needed an Apple Pie and you made your apple pie and you took selfies with your apple pie and you’ve instagrammed it and people want a slice of your apple pie they want to embrace the free love your apple pie makes them feel and one day, you’ll perfect this apple pie and your kids will pass down this version of your apple pie and generations later, YOUR apple pie will be the one people lust after.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that, sometimes there are things that you think you want, that look pretty and jazzy and delicious and orgasm infusing, but they’re never really practically possible. That’s probably why you want them so much, because of the element of elusion. That’s always been human nature. Yet who knows how good that thing might be when it actually comes down to experiencing it and weather it would deliver to the high expectations your imagination serves it? The same can be applicable to wanting somebody. When you think you need somebody, you tend you get what you need, all the love, the sex, the night outs, the companionship, but when the shit hits the roof, that’s when you turn around and declare that ‘this was not what I’d signed up for; I needed love but now I need space so here take your toothbrush and I’ll see you at the Christmas party 10 months from now’. Well, that’s the basest instinct of selfishness that pervades our lives to the extent that it builds resentment in not just you, but everyone around you as well. Yet when you realize that all this wanting and never attaining; this needing and never giving; all the disappointment has finally tired you out and you feel like you have nothing tangible to speak for all this emotional turmoil you went through, you finally decide to take on that selfless task for loving somebody. Loving someone means committing to each other that no matter what, you’re willing to make something work. That it may not turn out as pretty as you hoped or that expectations might not be met but that doesn't matter because what’s important is that you both are there, right now, for each other, to bask in the sunny warm happiness of your imperfect cinnamon-apple-pie. You learn to love the soggy pastry cause it melts quicker (I mean the job is half done now, isn't it?) and the shape doesn't matter cause the apple is still fresh inside. You made the apple pie and now you eat it. You give and you take. And at the end of the day, there are no resentments because you have a happy tummy and a house that smells of baking that lures that entire apartment to your doorbell. So at the end of the day, you have your just desserts. That’s what loving someone entails. So go on and enjoy that pie, my fellow love-traverser. Bask in the warm gooeyness of your hard labour.

Disconsolate

The word of the day on my Dictionary app is ‘Middling’. I’ve always felt a strong resistance to prescribe to the notion of ‘Destiny’ and ‘Fate’ and rather direct my energies to crediting a series of (un)fortunate events to coincidences. The Universe being in order (or more as more factually put-chaos) has been directing it’s dark matter energies towards displaying those ‘signs’ we all pine for. The signs we seek at concentrated pools of gyrating bodies (with rings of salty sweat haloing their armpits) all lined up like cattle to a butcher-house in holy places, waiting to give up their inherited gold and money to a dark idol they glance upon for 5 seconds and moving then on to our pathetic lives of disillusioned peace. Yes. Our. I’ve been through the routine. One of the numerous we Indian kids are forced to and blindly follow to make sure that the next trip we plan with our friends would have some semblance of fruition upon our return from said pilgrimage (read : some serious bottom-licking on our side). Signs that would normally present itself upon careful examination of our lives.  ‘Disconsolate’ is the word I’ve been substituting all these days with ‘Depression’. Isn’t the opposite what our existence is fundamentally based upon? Comfort. We find pleasure in those activities that smother our need for love. So is the answer to existentialism, i.e., is our purpose in life, comfort? Gah. Then why do I have this need for selflessness? Or is it even selflessness when some minimum expectations or results are required? Should we all just become dreadlocked/bald ascetics sitting on the Himalayas or self-indulgent vainglorious individuals or should we oscillate between spectrums until we find a calm that settles the pendulum?   Adunnowhatimmabesaying. But I do know that we can only live for what we love and try to minimise any discombobulated after-effects of our actions. I’m just going to enjoy this beautiful Bangalore weather and sit on my balcony with a cup of green tea and continue with the His Dark Materials trilogy. And maybe indulge in a smoke or two. Contradiction, I know right? Oh well. It’s like that Mimicking Birds song goes..  I’m sure it’s not me, I’m too small How could I affect anything at all? I’m one in six billion pixels that have evolved Eating your skin but I’m not involved.  And growing all the time. 

Hazem Fahmy - “Trailer” (CUPSI 2015)

“So what’re you waiting for?  Go buy your tickets now and further empower Neo-western imperialism.”

Performing for Wesleyan at the 2015 College Unions Poetry Slam Invitational.  Subscribe to Button on YouTube!

Red lips, blue eyes, bare chested, chiseled; Nude lips, blue eyes, full breasted, bound. Long tresses, bold groined, Chanel drizzled; Buzzcut,  empty womb, the void hounds.

Barbie or toys soldiers? Dresses or shorts? Unable to pick, When mother’s around.

A watchful eye, hovering, Lipstick away from reach, ‘Man up! Shoot the deer!’ Grudgingly done, a boundary breached.

Alien in forced dresses, donned stone-washed jeans, Ashamed of the blooming bosom, cannot be stopped, Drowning in a size too large, chafe the excess, Look past my body, see beyond the mundane binary block.

A life of morals preached, Vaulted white-ceiling, echoing prayers, Virtues propagated for a two face being, Our chasm widens, banished to the Devil’s lair. .

A struggle left unrecognized, An abomination, a freak, A lonely walk, hand grasping air, A chair is dragged, the floorboards creak.

Bruised lips, glazed eyes, split ends, tightened noose, Pierced arms, pierced ears, pierced wrists, pierced heart. Headstones leaving no true identity, Even in death, you pull me apart.   

Milestones

What does one say to someone who is just done with three years of utter nonsense, three years of a pathetic excuse for an education that one never really needed. Three years of learning more outside your classroom; three years of a creeping realization of the futility of subscribing to the world’s expectation of you; three years of understanding the difference between your wants and your needs; three years of losing your principles, and then discovering some you never thought you’d ever prescribe to; three years of falling headfirst into all the partying, drinking and the drugs, three years dotted with moments of solitariness-one that emerged out of loneliness and descended into a content solitude; three years of loving for the wrong reasons; three years of finding the right ones; three years of looking for the one that qualifies and three years of regretting that you didn’t find them sooner. Three years. That shapes us for threescore and more. ….aaaand you’re finally done with the last day of that routine. You might have to face the consequences of this lifestyle for years to come, but right now.. YOU’RE. DONE. You’re overwhelmed. You’re finally in absolute control of your own life. You have no institution to blame for the time you waste, you have no individual to blame for the choices you make, you have no one else to live off/for, just the few scraps you’ve saved up and the adrenaline that’s pushing you to make something of yourself in a world crammed with too many who have no identity. You’ll spend days worrying about what the future holds. How every decision you make affects the people who’ve known you all these years. The anxious nail-biting, the agitated foot-tapping(which apparently, is a sign of sexual agitation), the pacing, the mood swings, the exploitative use of substances, the hardened shells, the spiked walls, the want to have someone cross them all to get to you, the need of just being hugged and loved and being whispered to that it’ll all be alright. All these things. Is what life gives you. At the end of three years. Worry. And more worry. 27 hours and you turn 21 ( as per the flawed determination of birthdays that we subscribe to). 27 hours. Do whatever makes you happy in these 27 hours. And think. Not worry. But think, about every single thing that’s happened to you over the past 20 years and all the things that you’ve come to appreciate-after years of hating it-because it made you who you are. 27 hours of the people who have changed your life, and 27 hours of the people whose lives you’re going to change. Change the world. But the plans for world domination can never be made without appreciating the smaller plans that made you the genius you are. Cover your tracks. Break away from all that weighs you down. Embrace the good. Don’t be afraid of taking your space, don’t be afraid of choosing what you wish to say and what you’d rather keep to yourself. Don’t be afraid of taking what you need in order to be happy, don’t be afraid of telling people how you feel. You just survived three years of societal judgment from your peers and are now entering a sphere where you’d be subject to judgment from anyone senile enough of expressing themselves. Everyone has an opinion, spend 27 hours in determining whose opinion you’d listen to with respect and whose are of no consequence. Surround yourself with people that love you and care about you. That’s your coping mechanism. That’s my coping mechanism. And it’s gotten me through a lot. Trust in people. Not all, but in some. And trust in yourself. You’re going to do great things, and coming from me, that’s not just a compliment but a promise that I’ll be there with you every step of the way. I want you to understand that you are always a better person than what you think yourself to be. You’re always stronger than you give yourself credit for. I’ll remind you everyday, but you needn’t need me to do so, after a while. I hope you lead the life you always dreamt of. I hope you find that thing that helps you find those rare moments of happiness and ensures that they’re not too sparsely placed. I hope you remember everything I say to you cause the deceptively optimistic gods know that if I keep repeating them, they’d just be redundant. Take 27 hours, and remember your purpose in life. Take 27 hours and emboss in your grey matter, the reasons you do all that you do.  Take 27 hours and take even more to figure yourself out. Because after this, you have a new number to live by. But that’s just because society expects you to. The only number that matters in the number in your head. And child, you are wise beyond your years, if only you’d sit and listen to yourself more. Don’t worry so much. And don’t ever worry alone. Chances are, everything you’re worrying about is just a figment of your imagination. Laugh them off with me. Or anyone. But don’t sit by yourself. Or do. I’ll anyway come running to you with a bowl of bisibelebaath and promise of naked antics. I’ll make sure I’ll create a bubble of happiness in your head that’ll only grow bigger cause of the face that shines with childish optimism-but don’t be fooled, it covers a vast and widely accumulated wisdom.   So here’s me wishing you a happy milestone in life. A milestone followed by another in 27 hours. Take all my love.

Cheese Fondue, Anyone? (Notes of Apology)

Well this is strange. It’s been years since I've done this but it just seems natural to do this for you. Natural. Yet, strange. Strange because it’s the first time I’ve managed to upset you, and been aware of the same. Natural because it’s like talking to myself (only we’ll understand the significance of this statement and truly appreciate it). Things never really go the way they’re planned now do they? My plan for this letter was not supposed to be delivered today. Not at all. This letter had huge plans. Majorrrr plans. But all fail. Cause well, we don’t really do the expected things, now do we? We’re the stuff of books, of movies and fantasy. We work where reality and society tells us there’s no hope. We set ego aside and do the unexpected, which invariably, is the expected. We’re a contradiction in ourselves, as we were always meant to be, as I always thought we’d be ever since you made that analogy between a movie like pre-destination and us. We happened when all rationality said it wouldn’t. An exception to the rule. And I’d wish to preserve that. Cause when life hands you something so painfully rare, so precariously precious, so teeteringly well-balanced and so alarmingly well-matched, you take all those prefixes and makes them one big, beautiful, perfect little cave of warmth and comfort and stick a middle finger sign outside it for the rest of the world to look on. Cause essentially, that’s what we are. A big ‘fuck-you’ to all things cynical. We’re the big cheese on the triple cheeseburger, the extra chocolate sauce on the DBC sundae, the baked beans in the silent toot post a masala dosa, the punch in the gunpowder we’d eat every morning, the hollandaise in the eggs benedict and everything that makes life all that more interesting (I know you secretly bask in the aroma of your bombarding little putrid explosions). All this time, you made me feel like I needed to change nothing about myself because all the change had to come from you. You fool. Don’t you see? We’re the same person. Only developed in different ways. I have my flaws, and there’s no one better to point them out than you. Because I know you mean well. I know you have no selfish interests or ulterior motives in them. This can’t ever be a one-way thing, bae. I’m too afraid to lose you. And I’d do anything to make you happy. Because your happiness results in mine. But what makes us both happy, is this. US. YOU AND ME. And we want to be happy together. Thus, we need to be prepared to do anything for this. And I’m ready, bae. For life. For anything this shitty world has to throw at us. Cause when with you, even the shit from slumdog millionaire looks like chocolate pudding (which, incidentally, it was…look at us, seeing through life’s facades, so studly). We need to go ahead and protect the future of our world because there are very few stellar individuals like us who’ve found their better halves (you’re actually mine, as much as we both state otherwise). Amanda Palmer is already having a kid, bae. We need to act fast. Our kid needs to be in the same generation. Or. No. Our kids will have their own generation. And they’ll have music inspired by them, books, entire thought processes. Just like their parents. I want to change the world. You do too. But we can’t change anything unless we change ourselves first. Change everything we aren’t happy with. I’ve done this once before. Alone. Changed everything. But then that resulted in my going to an extreme. I don’t want that again. You balance me. You tell me to look out for myself. I know I can get a bit harsh bae, I know I do. I know I can come off too strong and make you feel like I don’t give a shit about what you think. I don’t mean to. I just want you to think harder. But I probably am not doing it in the right manner. And this is my apology to you. Only because I’m not there with you right now. If I was, I’d just get naked and all would be forgiven. You have no idea how deeply I care about what you think. Don’t ever get too close to Druthi and Angie, cause then you’ll realise that you’re the only thing I talk about. You thoughts, your opinions, your worldviews, your viewpoints. Nikhil, you’re one of the most wonderful human beings I’ve ever known and I know this because of the way you treat me and the way you’ve lived, with all your little principles all these years. You put me to shame, bae. And I’m supposedly a nice person. I’m the kid that could never make up her mind. Fickle as that phallus of yours. But like that phallus, once I find something I like, I never sit down. I found my motivation. I found my muse. I found that one thing that I know will always push me and make me do better. I found my competitor and my comrade. I found my creative outlet and the tangible outcome of my thoughts. And to be honest, I don’t think I’d ever need anything else, love. Just be mine, forever. And promise me you’ll tell me whatever is on your mind. I once told you that I wanted to see life through your eyes and live in your head, to know you so well and to be with you through every bad dream, ugly thought and wallow in our overthinking together. Because I will always be there to hold you down and hug you so tight that all your shivers subside. I will hold you until the end of our senile lives and after that, if I don’t need medication to find my way to you. I will get on all fours and crawl through the dark and even drink a glass of plain milk just to get to you and then hold down the barf until I know I’m nowhere close to you. I know you’re probably going to disown me but right after I spoke to you last, I looked to Mumford for solace. This was the first song I played. You know why? Cause there’s this line that I’d never thought I’d ever dedicate to someone. I always thought I’d be the one who’d get to hear it, not the one saying it. It goes,

“Stretch out my life, pick the seams out, take what you like, close my ears and eyes, and watch me stumble, over and over.”

But I know now. I know how much you care. And I know that I can trust you. Blindly too. And I know that if ever I’m hurt, it would still all be worth it. That fall, would be worth all the times I got to hold your hand and feel your arms around me, protecting me, steering me around, like you did at Alt-J. I know that whatever might happen, it’d all be worth it. And I think, I’m no longer scared. I used to be. All the time. But EVERY SINGLE TIME, EVERY TIME, you just did something that made me cry. Cry that all this time, I’d lost hope, but here it was, a physical manifestation of my hope, right there in front of me. 5 foot 11, with big nerdy glasses that just make my day. I just said to myself, “You know what? You need someone like you. Who cares about you as much as you’d care about them. Who loves you unconditionally and you can read your mind and give you things without your having to ask for them.” And you’ve given it to. And that’s beautiful enough to dedicate an entire week to us on Berlin Art Parasites. I’m sorry bae. I truly am. I became someone I didn’t like. Someone who once upon a time, I had a similar problem with. You need to keep making sure that I’m put in my place. Occasionally. But always. Cause if not you, who else? Who knows me better than myself? I have my flaws. You do too. We put all cards on the table when we spoke about this. Eventually, we find new things too. But I’d be yours, if you’d be mine.  I love you bae. To Tavrekere and back.

P.S. : listen to the entire song. With lyrics. I realized how much it’s applicable to us. Yes. Confirmation bias. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nMJUbZrNnA8

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/mumfordsons/loverofthelight.html

meetcutes

aienkien 合縁奇縁

Scenery

Have you ever felt the need to disappear for a bit? Ever felt so claustrophobic and crowded that you feel like even a slight whiff of smoke-filled air would do. A need to get away not just from people, but from yourself-your overheated and badly oiled brain. Don’t get me wrong. I like that I constantly have something happening in my life. I like that I get to constantly meet people, talk to them, understand them and have them understand me. I love that I discover something new each day, learn a bit more about myself and also plaster up some of my cemented beliefs with well-reasoned discussions about my principles. I love that I can take that back from every conversation I have with people. But. Well. The do-gooder in me fails to let me be objective about other people’s lives. It’s a bittersweet affair I have with the fixer in me. I manage to patch up other people, or at least wish to try, but I never really manage to do that with myself. I end up giving too much, asking for little and come back with a fresh little wound to my badly patched up metaphoric heart. I get too involved. And I don’t let people get as involved in my life. I don’t like asking. I like receiving. I enjoy presents. Unasked affections. Yet, being at the age that I am, and being around people who haven’t yet reached the sort of self-awareness I reached (an excruciatingly hard process, considering I had someone who couldn’t empathize sort of shove me into its initiation), not many people understand how I work. I’m just like everyone else. I have my needs. I just try to not make it known for fear of being open to vulnerability. To giving someone another chance to hurt me, even if it may be unknowingly. I care too much. I guess I’m just looking for someone who cares as much. A friend. I’m past the search for carnal pleasures. It’s my mental and emotional being that needs stability. A stability that it’s been searching for a time long drawn out, and an emptiness that swallows me into a void of uncertainty and insecurity. Maybe I’m not good enough. Maybe I’m too good. Maybe I deserve better. Maybe I should work on my present. Maybe I should concentrate on the future. Maybe. Maybe. But when do I find that stability. I never know when to stop. I never know when to give up. That sense self-preservation has been lost. I always feel like no matter what happens, I WILL get through it. Others may not be able to. And though people assume that being an individual like this is being selfless, I never really agree with the condescending tone of that word. It just means that your belief in your being is so great that you don’t mind that momentary suffering for someone who you think needs your help. Everybody needs help. Just like I’m not afraid to admit that I need help. I just never ask for it. I’d rather someone offer it to me. Understand that I will NEVER ask for anything, I’d rather shroud myself in anticipatory disappointment and stew than ever make someone feel like they’re obliged to behave or act a certain manner with me. I feared this was self-destruction, for a long time, I really felt like I had suicidal tendencies, or just did all this as a plea for attention, for people to think of me as saintly. Yet, the moment someone did say something like that, I realized I preferred people not knowing about these things. It made me stronger. Sometimes it almost feels like I’m being selfish by doing this. Use things like these to just get a bit sane. Subject myself to extreme limits to push myself to get better. And this happens only when it comes down to personal relationships. So, well, am I really just messing with people’s lives, in the hopes of finding a better path? Am I, in a way, exploiting people emotionally? I don’t know. I hope not. I wasn’t always like this. I used to do this for the wrong reasons, stopping the moment I felt I gained nothing from it. Now, it’s different. Even if I’m getting nothing from them, if I care about someone, I’d always be there for them. I guess it’s also due to the fact that I’d want to be treated that way, someday. That when I DO find that sort of a person, someone like me, on the same wavelength, I’d finally be happy. Till then, being alone and detached has been working well. REALLY well. A few deviations here and there. A few. But the moment I know I’m getting in too deep and my mind turns into a big ball of over-cooked maggi-mush because not everybody can handle the mess I am in. And not everybody has to. No one has to. One day, when someone WANTS to and manages to gain my absolute and unflinching trust, I’d find the burden easier. Till then, I need to keep my head down, get my lost sneakers back on, pick up magic staff of snuff filled love and enjoy the scenery.

Ode to Shit

It's like tentacular hug on a frigid night The heady honeyed olfaction calming my balmy fright, A putridly perverse pleasure most certainly is derived, When I hear the mellifluous 'dim-sum' as I drop you from a height.

Oh my darling, darling little child, I have created you from every edible product I find, You are my blood, my flesh, my muse, If I could, I would most certainly put you to some use.

I could smear you upon my enemies' face, I could put you in the compost to grow plants in haste, But sadly I have to watch you rot in waste, Watching that sweet rectangular shape with water laced.

Oh yes, my beautiful darling little turd. I love you my child, you're more than any man is worth.

from Man Alone with Himself by Friedrich Nietzsche

Relationships

Wayfarer

Questions. Aims. Goals. Ambitions. Future. Choices. Decisions. Opportunities. Regret. Detachment.

Who is to decide the right questions to ask? Attach a right before each one of those words above. Question yourself. So what should I choose? A future or the connection I have with people I know? Someone asked me recently if all the things I’m reading and all the things I’m interested in end in me distancing myself from a lot of people in my life.  I regrettably mentioned that it has. She then asked me to stay away from that. To try as much as possible to keep in touch with my past and everyone who made it. Yet, by failing to do such things, by letting go, I’ve come to understand myself better. To understand the world better. To understand other people better. Yet, that, in turn, has led to more confusion. To a convoluted but interconnected web. It’s as though the thumbtacks were always stuck in my head but now I’m finally connecting them with strings of wool. It’s still tangled up and my entire life will be this exasperatingly excruciating process of untangling it. I’m mortally afraid of that. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life gnashing my teeth while mercilessly working my fingers to a bleeding pulp as I prick and poke and attempt to untangle with all tools possible. I want a part of the calm. Most individuals get to that calm through ignorance. That is no longer an option for me.  I don’t think my brain was ever wired for that. Don’t think the pins were placed exactly the same as it was for other people.

To get that sublime balance is barely tangible and elusive for an individual who is always embraced in a swirling storm of emotions. A functioning in chaos has transgressed into my daily being and shows in the sort of work I do. An ebb and flow in productivity, a crescendo and piercing silence. This chaos is the root of my being. But can I use this excuse as a means to run away from a dauntingly prodigious challenge of reaching that long untangled string of calm? Probably not.

The very chaos that helps me function might destroy me. It might destroy me before I accomplish what it is that I’ve set out to do in life. To be remembered. To change lives. Everyday, every single day I meet individuals who term me as ‘interesting’ and ‘out-of-the-ordinary’ and ask me to continue being so. Yet, lesser so-called ‘interesting’ beings are actually DOING things rather than just talking about them. We try so hard to understand things before actually getting involved in them. Maybe I think so much because I’m painfully aware of the paucity of this phenomenon we call ‘time’ and wouldn’t wish to spend (read : waste) any of it doing something I’m sure I would not enjoy. Then again, we talk about experiences. About how experiences shape us. Mould us. So why am I running away from them? WHY?

Sorting out priorities is a phrase that you hear from my maddening lips as an answer to every problem. Yet, I seem only interested in hearing the sound of my voice, but not actually listening and inculcating the same. This brings me back to my first question. What are the right choices? Should one stay ingrained in reality or should one give oneself up to the arts and make beautiful things for the world to reflect upon? Or is it possible to do both? If it is, I must create another map, a very physical and tangible map, a map with thumbtacks and wool and a course that I plan and determine myself. Pins places strategically so that no one can ever again claim “Destiny’s” hand in place of mine. People are important. But sometimes, we have to let go and see if they care enough to cling on and climb back up to hold you still on the rocky deck. Because as much as we wished otherwise, we are much too miniscule to the oceans of the world. But our ripples can change courses and tides. We may dock on lands and we may discover islands. No one remembers how many other ships we travelled with if the ships do nothing but sail around a single iceberg. Stagnant mediocrity with close friends helps no one but that closed off circle. I don’t want a circle. I want a point and a line. A point from which several other lines emerge. To create a beam even. That’s what I’d want. That’s what I have to work for.

So I’m going to start working on this map of mine. Someone once told me that anything is achievable. We just need to keep it simple. Simple plans and several simple short term aims that add up to the biggest one. I’m putting that in action. It’s about time I stop preaching and get off my armchair. 

Fare Thee Well my Little Loving Demon

Your name is a painful reminder of all the things I’ve done wrong in the past few months. Your face reminds me of all the little fantasies I created in my head. You’re a constant itch at the back of my mind, a happenstance glance of pleasure, a niggling picture at the corner of my eye, fleeting as my pupils focus. That picture may never develop. I may never receive that which I long for. Yet I can move on knowing fully well that I tried. I attempted to make things work, even when there were no cement foundations upon which I built my dream castle. You are the personification of my fatal hopes and the one thing I believed would act as tangible evidence of my faith in humanity and its pathetic struggle for a better life in this ugly world we created for ourselves. No ego or pride could pose an obstacle in the absoluteness of my faith in your humanity, friend. I brushed aside all my basest emotions and took the precariously vertigo-ridden higher path (or so I believed) of detachment from your empty insults. I assumed it was an instinctive reaction to someone getting too close to your core. I still assume that because unlike many others, I still look for the best in people. I believe that most people react to their circumstances, yet I’ve decided to make my circumstances react to me. So please, feel free to throw a lot more insults in my direction, because I’ve decided that they don’t really mean anything to me. I have laid my venous skin before you, bare, raw, bleeding and still sensitive to your touch. I have had my say. Yet, if it still isn’t enough for you, well, I’m glad. I just wish you would come right out and say it to me instead of building this constant hope in me that reaches a heady crescendo before breaking out into a terrible and ominous cacophony around my life. Don’t you realize how it affects me? Don’t you realize that I’m trying to be brave for the both of us when I say things like “I don’t need an answer, I want you to take your time and figure things out”? Don’t you see that I am a woman drowning in feelings and emotions that I honestly do not have time for because it overwhelms me and ruins my daily struggle of battling the contradictory sentiments of my brain? It ruins any fathomable ounce of efficiency I possess. And I’m tired of this feeling of helplessness when not even the teensiest inkling of any regard from your side is transmitted. Oh I still live in my fantasy and make-believe world. I still do. Because that little world gives me something to look forward to in this claustrophobic and materialistic, hopefully transitory phase in my life. You live by your terms, I live by mine, let’s just agree to that already. I think I’m so strongly attached to you because in you, I see a part of me that I left behind a few years back. Because with you I feel like I don’t have to give any excuses and I can be a silly little child and confide all my secrets without being overwhelmed by emotions cause you always make me laugh about them. I want to be your hero, or someone that makes you believe that the world can be a very beautiful place to live in. I’m not asking for you to feel the same way about me, and I would not go ahead and call this love because I’m not sure of that myself. Love is something very intense in my books and is almost always reciprocated to at least an agreeable extent. All I’m asking from you is to give me an answer (and not an insinuation) that will put my demons to rest. An answer that could free me from all this senseless worrying and creeping shadows that make me feel less than whole. Once that’s given, I can return to normalcy and be that friend for you, and I can continue with my life as it ought to be. You just swept in and knocked me off balance before I realized the extent of your presence in my life. I need to move on with my life.Thereafter, I will be the best friend you could ask for because friendship, for me, always tops my priority list, and unfortunately, you’ve become a part of my life, as much as I’d like to deny it. I can let things go very easily once I reason them out in my head. So give me reason to let go, if that’s what you really want and then I will. No more of this drama, no more of the struggle. This is probably the most heartfelt and vulnerable thing I have written to date and I’m giving you the opportunity to read it. I like to live each day as my last and like to sleep with no regrets. With no thoughts of ‘If’ and “I should have’ when I had ample opportunity to do so. I don’t want to wake up tomorrow knowing that things drifted apart between people I know because I failed to say what I should have said a long time ago. I can’t take that burden upon myself. Live fast, love hard and be fearless. I live with absolute courage because I’m not afraid of anyone judging the person I am. I wish you well in your endeavours and I hope you find someone who manages to get through your defences and finally proves to you how amazing a person you can be. Anyone. Not just of the opposite gender. Or of the same. Well, you never know, you may swing both ways. Let’s not discriminate here. Fare thee well, my comrade, in this battle against our vices. You have chosen your path and I, mine. Here we part and walk our serpentine roads, hacking and slashing away to a more mellow and serene landscape. Maybe we shall meet again as we watch the sun set and rise, where the stars and moon collide and maybe we shan’t. But a most perversely painful enjoyment was sure derived out of our short walk together.

that odd moment when south park says something more beautiful and poetic than most television shows out there

A book is made from a tree. It is an assemblage of flat, flexible parts (still called ‘leaves’) imprinted with dark pigmented squiggles. One glance at it and you hear the voice of another person, perhaps someone dead for thousands of years. Across the millennia, the author is speaking, clearly and silently, inside your head, directly to you. Writing is perhaps the greatest of human inventions, binding together people, citizens of different epochs, who never knew one another. Books break the shackles of time, proof that humans can work magic.

Carl Sagan (via welcome-to-existencee)

Corrections

Sexual Orientation cannot be a grounds for Discrimination

As we advent further into progressive stages of civilization, certain legal and political ideals and principles like those based on religious propaganda or community and traditions have been overthrown and replaced by newer, more individualistic principles like that of Liberty and the right to self-determination. It is due to this growing atomistic ideal that more dynamism is being introduced into the Law especially by giving Human Rights the ultimate power to trump other laws. Nevertheless, many disputes have arisen due to the clash between the old morality of the Judeo-Christian Laws and the new morality of the Age of reason and logic and thus, rights of minorities have been sought to be protected from the democratic majority of the nation states. One such highly debated topic that has gained much recognition since the __________________Revolution has been the legality of Gay rights, particularly the repudiation of the repercussions of The Buggery Act, 1837 which stated that any carnal intercourse that is unnatural must be criminalized. The problem is with that of what is considered to be unnatural. Due to Judeo-Christian propaganda, all sexual acts must have the ultimate objective of procreation, failing which, it would be deemed to be unnatural. These very principles were sought to be implemented in colonial India as well which led to the Indian Penal Code, 1860(sec 377). What most Indians are up in arms about is the fact that this sort of an outdated legislation that criminalises penile non vaginal sex, which implies that homosexuals, especially MSM (Men having Sex with Men) are criminals for indulging in such an activity even if it is within the confines of their four walls and is a purely consensual relationship. It is this issue that was sought to be contended in the Delhi High Court Naz Foudnation v. Government of NCT of Delhi and others which was appealed in the Supreme Court in Suresh Kumar Koushal and Anr v. Naz Foundation and Others.

While the Delhi High Court was commended for the sensible stand it took in the protection of sexual minorities, many religious institutions made a big racket of it and claimed that it affects the morality of the public and hurts its sentiments. The dissatisfactory point that had been made was with regards to the interpretation of the word ‘sex’ as sexual orientation, in Art 15 of The Constitution of India which protects against discrimination on the grounds of religion, race, caste, sex or place of birth. The High Court’s interpretation was one based on leading Human Rights’ judgments that said sexual orientation was based on is based on stereotypes of conduct on the basis of sex. The Court itself referred to the Human Rights Committee’s decision in Toonen v. Australia, (No.488/1992 CCPR/C/ 50/D/488/1992, March 31, 1994) in which the Tasmanian Criminal Code which criminalised sexual acts between men, was considered a violation of Article 2 of the International Covenant on Civil and Political Rights, where a reference to ‘sex’ was taken as including sexual orientation. [1] Hence, sexual orientation was taken as analogous to sex and since Sec 377 seeks to discriminate on this basis, it is unconstitutional and should be struck down. It is what formed a major portion of their arguments and which is why the inclusiveness of the Constitution is a principle that we will seek to discuss. Another pressure point is the classification of natural (read procreative) and unnatural sexual acts and whether such a justification can be held valid or not.

Article 15 is an application to the general right to equality under Article 14. To treat equals equally and unequals, unequally is the principle that has been enshrined in our constitution. Hence, to create a classification, one has to ensure that it is based on an intelligible differentia which distinguishes those that are grouped together from others (i.e., those indulging in unnatural sexual offences) and that differentia must have a rational relation to the object (punishment of unnatural sexual offences) sought to be achieved by the Act.

  Section 377 is vague and seeks to introduce a classification which is not based on rational criteria and the object it seeks to advance is not a legitimate state object. Section 377 violates Article 15 by discriminating on the ground of sexual orientation as although facially neutral it treats homosexual men unequally compared to heterosexuals and imposes an unequal burden on them.

This differentia makes no sense in today’s world as it states that any sort of penile, non-vaginal sex is an offence as well. ‘Sex’ here refers to the ejaculation of the sperm into an orifice which would imply that any sort of oral or anal sex, despite being between consenting adults and within the exercise of their right to privacy, is illegal and criminal. Thus, those lakhs of people who practice such activities are nothing but criminals. This would imply that due to a morphed sense of ‘public morality’, a large percentage of the population live as criminals. Yet, when the matter went for discussion, only homosexuals, in particular MSMs were targeted. There is no rational nexus between the basis of classification and the offence in question because the activities are not playing any part in causing hindrance to the interest of the State.[2]

Besides, sexual orientation of a human being is something that is determined naturally. It depends on certain biological factors like secretion of hormones and the size of certain parts like the medulla oblongata or the corpus callosum.[3] Indeed, the environment also plays a huge role in the determination of the sexual orientation of a person, yet even in an extreme case, one cannot deem homosexuality to be unnatural because what is natural and unnatural should rather be determined by the extent of one’s consent to indulging in such behaviour. 

            Shri Huzefa Ahmadi tried to object to the inclusion of sexual orientation as part of ‘sex’ under art 15 by stating that the constituent assembly makers in the Constituent Assembly debates did not ever even deliberate this and hence, this right can be restricted. To which Fali S Nariman brilliant gave various justifications and interpretations to 377 in the High Court and stated that 377 should be interpreted in the context of its placement in the IPC as criminalizing an act in some way adversely affecting the human body and not an act which is an offence against morals as dealt with in Chapter XIV.

  Section 377 targets the LGBT community by criminalizing a closely held personal characteristic such as sexual orientation. By covering within its ambit, consensual sexual acts by persons within the privacy of their homes, it is repugnant to the right to equality.

  ‘When there is ambiguity or doubt the construction of any clause in the chapter on Fundamental Rights, it is our duty to resolve it in favour of the freedoms so solemnly stressed.’ Section 377 in its interpretation and operation targets LGBT persons and deprives them of their full moral citizenship.

Yet, the Supreme Court stated that the classification that has been made is not arbitrary or can be accused of an irrational classification as all it seeks to do is act as a preventive measure by defining the offence and prescribing a punishment for it which will only be invoked when an FIR has been filed in the police station and can be accorded only once a trial has been conducted in accordance with law. Thus, as has been stated under art 32, Fundamental Rights can be curtailed only when done under due process of law and the procedure established by law. Hence, the High Court’s judgment declaring Sec 377 of the IPC as ultra vires of  Art 14 and 15 was not right. They also support this argument by citing various case laws like K.A. Abbas v. The Union of India (UOI) and Anr [4] A.K. Roy and Ors. v. Union of India and Ors.[5] That justify the importance of defining crimes and the necessity of sometimes using vague expression like ‘harmony between different religious groups' or 'likely to cause disharmony or hatred or ill-will', or 'annoyance to the public’ to create a wide ambit for criminals to be prosecuted against and for the greater interest of the society.

  The invalidity (of the law) arises from the probability of the misuse of the law to the detriment of the individual. If possible, the Court instead of striking down the law may itself draw the line of demarcation where possible but this effort should be sparingly made and only in the clearest of cases.[6]

  Though the Supreme Court managed to find a just explanation for the existence of the law and its continuance, the point to be noted here is that despite the doctrine of Separation of Powers, it is the ultimate duty of the Judiciary to interpret the law and the constitution. Though the Legislature must amend the laws, when it comes to matters of Human Rights and its protection, a popular opinion of the citizens is not necessary in order to uphold basic human rights. When a large section of the society is forced to live as criminals, then it is the duty of the judiciary to interpret the laws in favour of the human rights and not favouring public morality. The law is meant to be above the prevailing social circumstances. The law is meant to guide the society into a progressive and developed civilization. History too, teaches us how many laws that were held to be largely acceptable by the society (polygamy, sati) but due to a better understanding of liberty and equality by a few individuals in power, it was outlawed. Today, it is a part of our daily life and the contrary would be held to be unthinkable. If the Judiciary, which is made up of intelligent and widely read scholars, does not take a stand to bring in an epochal change, the judeo-christian morality that was imposed upon us during the colonial times, which has become so deeply ingrained in our consciousness, will never fade. We can never try to progress to a better and more liberal society due to our reluctance to change.

Using the spread of HIV as an excuse to criminalise homosexuality hald no ground in the courts. It was blatantly obvious that to legalise it would lead to a better control over its spread. The only reason the issue was brought up again in court was due to orthodox religious organisations that could not digest the fact that a person could be emotionally and sexually involved with one from the same sex. Using the mere act of penile non-vaginal sex seems to be an excuse. By being inclusive, the judiciary would have made a huge leap in the protection of homosexuals under Art 15. Yet now, they have to continue to live in fear of public prosecution and mental depression.

The international community has largely accepted homosexuality as well as same-sex marriages. The most progressive countries in the world, like the Netherlands, Finland, Sweden and Belgium have accepted the above. They also have been known for the lowest crime rates and corruption.

[1] Article

[2] Distinction based on a prohibited ground cannot be allowed regardless of how laudable the object is. If a law operates to discriminate against some persons only on the basis of a prohibited ground, it must be struck down.