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I still find myself looking back to this picture I took some time ago. it's jarring to me. There's a mood and aura of dred that I feel and a stark reminder of how its the details that count to every given situation, the bed post represents something else like repression but the wall, in retrospect played a part in the story and it makes me think I was picturing the truth of my situation long before I was willing to accept the reality of it.
It's been some time and I've probably just held off getting these thoughts off my chest mainly because this is really where I face it and write about it.
So he messaged and I ignored, as much as my heart was saying give I shut off, he knew what he was doing trying to make me nostalgic.
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I must have known.
I must have known somthing was going on recently.
If by pure conincidence he decided to message me the other day at work accusing me of still haveing feelings for Tom when we were together, all this because he stalked my instagram account. But as soon as I said âwould that make any difference, would it help you to move onâ he sent messages saying he missed me.... He knew that would get a rise out of me so Iâd reply and i bit the lure... but I havenât and will not reply again. The world spoke to me yesterday whilst having an argument with someone with very similar problems to Harley.
I wonât be treated like my opinions donât count anymore in a relationship. Donât compromise yourself on such a basic level.
No more
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Update sept 2017
Its been a fair amount of time that has gone by, I canât even remember the dates in which we broke up... I guess thats a good thing really. I still see his mother and she messages me from time to time and also comes into my work too, which if im really being honest is a bit strange.
In august I went to Brighton and on the last night I went to club revenge with some friends and i happened to bump into an âexâ of his who denied ever being with him at all, he brought me drinks and we had some decent conversation, not just about him. You see, it doesnât matter that we are not together because I still look for you when I am lonely or sad, as if you could fix this butterfly like feeling in my stomach, you wouldnât I know, Iâd feel high but then reality would jump up on me, the guilt and the blame and the codependancy and of corse... all the lies.
Im still fucked up, I donât think iâll ever forget this period in my life as it feels like I am holding onto something so intense that completely reduces me to tears at times, especially when I listen to music which when i do I have to do in private because I get overwhelmed.
I havenât heard a thing from him since he messaged me by email about a dream he had of me, I ended up messaging his mum and asking me to leave me alone... I couldnât hear from him, it hurt too much. Its hurts most knowing he only lives 20 mins away, it hurts he has the same dreams as i and it hurts that under no circumstance will i ever be able to have a stable, loving relationship with him because we just canât keep our demons down.
I feel lost without him, he completed me in some ways, but he was also the other side of me in human form, somthing I hate about myself but exists in me just the same, his rage I could relate too, i found solice in his pain at times because at least I wasnât alone in mine. I now have to navigate this world with what feels like half of myself missing and its exhausting and I have good and bad days.... like this whole week.
I couldnât be with Tom again, we met up on my birthday and he took me to London for the night, I had a great time but I would have rather have been with friends because I donât love Tom and although I initially felt something, I later felt nothing other than the pull that brings me back to H.
âI miss my friend, I miss my lover, I miss the man that treated me like no otherâ
Non of thats true... why do I do this to myself?
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Goodbye Barre
Last night I dreamt of you for the first time since we broke up last month. We were in bed talking and I explained why we could not be together, I mentioned your need to be free, for yourself and for your career. You cried and we hugged. It was like my dream gave me some closure. As fucked up as you were, man I loved you so much and despite it being doomed, I really tried and just to see you cry and be human made me feel that maybe one day you'll find peace in yourself like I am now trying to find. When you dropped my stuff off for the last time, I asked to kiss you goodbye, I called you your pet name and let you leave. We could have waged a war and part of me still feels like that could still happen but for this moment just not having your weight on me is very freeing and I'm slowly gaining my confidence and self esteem up again. I honestly wish you well, your lessons hurt more than anything I've ever experienced and only in hindsight do I see that you were never really mine and I couldn't have helped you. X
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I saw his video
Shaking right now,
just saw my ex doing a preview for his new music video for his band, a song he wrote about being BPD.
He was holding the camera and walking around, ending it on a wink...
this guy truly never felt a fucking thing
I just feel so mad and angry and just crazy....
why do I feel these intense feelings towards him, I have just spent the whole day looking for him on grindr because I have just been going crazy.
I miss this man and I donât know why.
I have to keep going, I am obviously the last thing in his mind now, he is free and so am I but why do I not feel this?
I just feel lonely and sad and fucking crazy.
everything I have done in the past weeks has been reminding me of him, listening to tori amos and listening to intense breakup songs, crying over Etta jamesâs âid rather go blindâ I just feel so fucking intense and to think he is just down the road from me kills me, when will i bump into him? will i be ok?
will i freak out?
why canât i stop thinking so fucking much.
The day in question is not a good day.....
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3.30
Nightmare again, I'm at a friend's house, someone you once tried to "get with" s/he tells me you've been messaging her about me, I frantically look through the messages you'd sent. God I hate this broken sleep.
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Threw my pillow away
Dreaming of being in your arms, smelling you and breathing by your neck. Then slowly waking up missing you so much to then turn to fear that I went back to you, fuck... This was the most intense one I've had so far it was like you were right next to me. I fucking miss you and the loving part of you.
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Getting back to me
Went out last night with my 2 best mates, it had been so long since I had properly seen them and we had such a fun night. They made it very clear that they would always be there for me and stuff and that they knew I was struggling with H. It felt strange going out to the same venue I had first met him at and I was looking around a lot just incase he was there, I do miss his face, I think part of me wants to see him, to look in his eyes and see if there is still something there. I could always tell his fake puppy dog eyes but when something is serious I think you can register it in someone's eyes. I feel like I need to keep to a straight path and work on my goal of moving and studying in Brighton... I want my freedom back and to live truly as I am. I will always miss and have a place for H in me, It doesn't just disappear and when I think of the abuse it does hurt but it's almost like being without him hurts more. It was me who left him though, it was my moment of clarity and I don't think there is really any coming back from that. I really think he's over it now anyway, he'll have hooked up with whoever he had his eyes on whilst we were together, that's just how it was always going to be with him.
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The Aftermath
Starting to feel better after nearly a month of no contact with H.
Me and my sister who I had ignored and couldnât talk to has come back into my life again and for that I am truly happy, I will never let a man divide me and my sister again... She told me she knew it was going to be a nightmare of a relationship and after having talks with her boyfriend they decided to let me realise this myself, it really hurt her not seeing and talking to her brother I could tell....
I appreciate that they both left me to it mainly because I was so enmeshed and was likely to just fold in on myself and cease contact with her if she gave me ultimatums... she knew the very day I turned up at her house in tears after nearly having a car crash with him... I was having a hair emergency that day and it was a sunday, no shops were open and he decided to take it upon himself to go and search for hair dye and bring it to my sisters but I told him it was ok and that I would sort it myself, he ended up freaking out at me and started shouting and going crazy in the car... it was like a switch had been turned on in him and he became very angry with me, he was hitting the wheel and driving so fast... my sister tried to console me that day I turned up and me and H nearly broke up from that but I couldnât help but go back to him.
That was the pull he had on me... I was also terribly insercure.
everyone knew about my âcrazyâ boyfriend but walked on eggshells around me because I was so sensitive about the whole thing, I was desparate to make it work with him, after leaving my ex âpartnerâ who I considered my best friend to be with him.
Tieing up loose ends...
My last message to H was actually to his mother...
She is a psychotherapist and was in an absusive relationship with his farther who also abused him....
I do somtimes feel that maybe she also had a personality disorder as I have read that can somtimes be the case and I often wonder whether she should really be âhelpingâ others when she herself canât help her own child and is reliant on drugs and psycho babble to get though herself...
I liked her but there was always somthing weird that I couldât put my finger on about her, she was always constantly trying to get attention and admiration and she would make me do shit for her all the time when ever I would come over, I didnât mind but I felt like I was being taking advantage of even by her and she very obviously wished that H would get a GF instead of BF...
I told her that after him nearly hitting me and the problems he has with his sexuality and masculinity I could no longer be with him...
She understood and tried to convince me that he would âneverâ hit anyone... My sister said, give it a year and that would have probably been a different story.
He has a massive anger problem and he will eventually burst and cause someone great harm... I am just glad it wonât be me.
Since this happening I have tried to not be so harsh on myself and enjoy the peace that I have now I am out of his life, its hard adjusting, he would always be my first point on contact especially since we both worked nights, i miss talking to him and I do remember the good times we shared but its all marred by the reality and that is...
You canât have a relationship with someone who has BPD
Its the truth and you just have to live with it...
They dissapear and create drama and friction no matter how good you seem together they will always want more from you and no one can be a constant sorce of energy for these people, its literally runs your batteries dry and you become empty...
My sisters boyfriend touched on the fact that these people are exciting to be around and its a rollercoaster of ups and downs and heâs right, however what goes up has to come down and the downs are always so low, it takes a peice of you each time and the longer it goes on the worse you become...
They donât empathise with your pain, its only them and what they see and feel that counts and you are always wrong and will always be.
His mother said that it would be best to go no contact for at least 6 months and I agreed, however I know for sure that I would be best to just leave well alone for ever and avoid ever being in contact with him....
I am sad still and this is harder than anything I have had to deal with but I NEEDED to learn this lesson because I absolutly must learn to love myself and attract people that want to be with me for the right reasons instead of need, greed and pain.
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Resources following the US election results
To anyone affected by the U.S. election result:
We want you to know that you are important and loved.
Together, we will not let racism, homophobia, sexism or any form of hate win. Â
If you are hurting, here are some resources - and always feel free to talk to us:
DIRECT HELPLINES in the US:
Suicide Hotline: 800-273-8255Â
Teenline:Â CALL 310-855-4673 Â or TEXT TEEN to 839863
Crisis Text and Phoneline for teens (Jed Foundation):Â Text âSTARTâ to 741-741 or call 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
Trans Crisis Hotline (US): 877-565-8860
Trans Crisis Hotline (Canada): 877-330-6366
The Trevor Project LGBTQ+ Hotline: 866-488-7386Â
Helpline for muslim women:Â 888-315-6472Â
Helpline for muslim youth: 866-627-3342
WEBSITE RESOURCES (some also have a number you can call)
Mental Health resources for black teens
Black Youth Helpline (Canada)
Black Mental Health Alliance
Association of Black Psychologists
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
The Jed Foundation
Teaching Tolerance, Diversity and Equity - These resources will help you recognize and respond to bias against immigrants, Muslims and Sikhs
LGBTQ+ organisations and help / community centers all around the world
Find safe spaces for you and your fellow LGBTQ+ community members and keep adding to the resource list
Takemehomefromnarniaâs resource masterpost for LGBTQ+ helplines and chats, organisations, safe houses and more
It Gets Better International
The International Association for Suicide Prevention provides an extensive listing of links available to provide support, information, and resources for LGBTQ+ youth and their supporters.
The Trevor Project has multiple contact venues available to assist those in need, including the Trevor Lifeline (866-488-7386), TrevorText, and TrevorChat. Â Also included is a listing of the warning signs, for those who are working to decide if they, or someone they know, are at risk.
Suicide.org  provides links to suicide hotlines for countries worldwide.
Suicide Prevention Lifeline provides online links to Safety Teams at Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr and other social media sites that provide assistance. It also provides advice as to what you can do if you think someone you know online is at risk.
Takemehomefromnarniaâs resource masterpost for helplines and chats, organisations and more
If you know of any resources you feel we should add to this post, please donât hestitate to contact us!
Finally some words of comfort: please take the time for self-care today, turn off the news, take a warm bath, hug or call a family member or friend, get some sleep.Â
As of tomorrow, please think of Edmund Burkeâs quote âThe only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothingâ and remember that you are a good person, and you can do something with all that pent up energy before it turns itself on you. You can join a support group for people of colour, LGBTQ teens, people with disabilities, raped or battered women, Planned Parenthood, homeless people, refugees⌠You can rally for the next elections in 2018 for the Senate and Congress, and for another president in 2020. You are important, you count, and you donât have to take this. You can do something.
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He was always winning....
Today is sad day that I feel many people like myself are having great difficulty in processing and its causing a lot of anxiety for us.
It makes me sad for many reasons but also because it reminds me of my rightwing gay ex boyfriend that practically supported trump, it reminds me that it doesnât matter how much you say you accept yourself it doesnât really count.... not unless you support the greater good of your very own people.
We really need to come together now and have eachothers backs because times will get tough and things that our out of our control are going to happen and its going to be upsetting.
If anyone ever needs to talk, to feel empowered or to just vent.
I am here <3
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It was cold, and it rained, so I felt like an actor...
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