when you consume an entire piece of media (a series, movie, book, game etc.) without splitting an introject from it

normalize DID (!!!) systems with no amnesia BETWEEN alters and shared memories but big amounts of amnesia in every day life

<3

crazy how the trauma i went through in the past 4 years fucked up my memory so much. it really wasn't that bad prior. i had crystal clear memory up until i was 11 and suddenly started becoming blurry from trauma, but it wasn't anything like it is now until The Incident. or many incidents, perhaps.

like... i can't really feel nostalgia anymore. which is so frustrating because i always loved looking back on old stuff and being nostalgic about it. i found comfort in it. i'll recognize things. i'll know i once loved them, but i can't. feel. anything. yesterday, i looked up the hello kitty anime i watched as a kid online, and while in the back of my mind, i remembered the theme song and was all smiley and giggly about it, i didn't feel nostalgic. WHY? there was just nothing there! even if some part of me clearly remembered it, i can't feel it! rahhhh!!!!

even things that previously made me nostalgic, i'll watch or look at, and feel simply nothing... i know it's familiar, but that wonderful feeling of nostalgia i just cannot access anymore.

on one hand, differentiating our alters helps with time loss, actually

but on the other hand, being aware of that fragmentation instead of existing as just one person is scary and uncomfortable. nobody wants to share their life or personality or be confused on who they are to what degree all the time.

Plurality isn’t always scary

Made with childhood pictures taken when we were co conscious.

Even if the world will never be normal about plurality, that doesn’t mean you can’t learn to work with it and achieve functionality. Even though I don’t think we’ll ever be fully functional, we’re at a point where most days are calm and everyone gets along. Sure, I can’t remember three whole years of my life. Sure, I can’t control who switches and when. But we communicate well enough to trust each other no matter what happens.

No, plurality isn’t always easy. But I’d not trade the system for the world.

Happiness with your system is possible.

apparently theres 5 threat responses documented now!

from a trauma & dissociation workbook page our therapist shared

least shocking introject-heavy experience

this is embarrassing now why in our system of eight alters do we have to have three undertale-related introjects ...??

the worst thing is how i used to be v loving and caring, but all the trauma made me unable to stay that way, so it split off from me, and now italy is the one who can access those feelings, but i can't. sometimes i'll get bursts of compassion but mostly i'm very self-interested, like i want the best for ppl but i struggle to muster up caring if it doesn't concern me in some way, and it makes me feel like such a shitty person, esp w/ the way people treat ppl like that. ughhhhhhh. i was always praised for being sweet and loving, but i'm not that way anymore, really. i act sweet and loving, but are the feelings there? ehh... hardly. i know i want to care about people, but i feel very little. i think people are cute and silly and i enjoy them truly, but the empathy... is just gone. bad things happen and i'm like ok. i may feel sad for them and put myself in their shoes but. idk. it's just Different from how it used to be. it's like the compassion is stunted even if the empathy is present. nobody ever cared abt me, so i feel bitter when it comes to caring abt others. i'm blocked from it. i don't want to get sucked in to anyone else's problems anymore when nobody cares about mine. the only thing that will get a true reaction out of me is when i see injustice, then i'll get outright angry on behalf of the person and protective over them. but softness? gone. something i have to mask. unless italy comes forward and allows access to that softness and care again.

i don't think anyone talks abt this for systems much. i hate not being able to truly care abt people anymore. i'm glad it still exists within me but i hate that i can't access it. i guess it's bc i went through so much trauma and always had a habit of caring TOO much and being TOO empathetic so it split off from me so. u know. i could actually continue being the host, even if no longer the same alter given all the fragmentation and integration with parts i wasn't ready to integrate with.

Do you ever realize you can’t remember what you used to be like? Your past and who you were? All you know is what you’ve become and that scares you? Idk feels today

something that seems to solidify did for us is sometimes alters will say the wrong thing

like someone just said "should i go make lunch" and its breakfast time

also sometimes they'll call people we know by the wrong pronouns. it's kind of funny. like my friend i've known for years but she has masculine vibes and someone called her a him once or twice. i guess they Wouldn't Know personally.

my current avpd theory

i've been thinking and i think i have a theory about avpd based on all the things i've been reading and listening to lately.

i think avpd consists of/comes to be because of these things:

initial traumatic experience (that included some kind of rejection or ostracization)

no healthy way to process trauma or co-regulate with anyone

dissociation from the "real you" (it is associated with shame due to initial trauma, but also perhaps out of self-protection)

coping mechanism to make up for dissociated "real you" (masking, agoraphobia, social anxiety, co-dependency and/or enmeshment ("safe person"),...)

relational self via the "real you" remains underdeveloped or not there at all (so this could be b/c of masking, not engaging at all, ...)

lacking experiences of being "experienced by another person" as described in the infamous article/study as well as this post and this post.

this then spirals into the known avpd symptoms

the dissociation part is the important part though. i think this is key. the reason why people with avpd report this feeling of not being there, feeling invisible, etc... is because of this i think. for me i always felt like i was a robot or running on a "low flame". and when i use the term "dissociation" i'm using it as it is used in trauma and cptsd circles. a kind of detachment and separation from our own true being, feelings, thoughts, etc...

and when you're dissociated, it's hard to truly interact with people and practice that relational self muscle. instead, if you even have relationships with others, they are superficial, involve a lot of masking & mirroring and can only be kept up for so long, because that is exhausting in the long run. it's impossible to be genuine or vulnerable when you're not really there and not really being honest for the fear of repeating the trauma (shame and fear). and the more time passes with us desperately trying to engage others without our "real self" being in the drivers seat, the more we feel out of sync with everyone else and the more the formation of our relational self suffers and remains underdeveloped or not there at all. everything begins to compound into the known symptoms.

i don't know i've been going through old stuff (journals and letters) of mine and i'm so confused, but i'm trying to think through it all in the hopes of finding a way out. as always. 🥲 maybe the theory makes sense to others, too?

gang, am i onto something?

[Note: the definitions are simplified, I wouldn't be able to fit the full criteria into each circle and that's not the full point anyway-- the point is to show key differences and similarities. I am not a professional and my observations may be incorrect.]

the way i feel so disconnected from this post... yeah ok guess this wasnt just a mood then

can't post on the host's blog because i'm nothing like her but i'm not differentiated enough from her to warrant my own blog. ugh.

The adults in my system have been struggling a lot recently and that makes me really sad :( I've been seeking out our partners for comfort and cuddles to help the adults feel better, I try to get us our favorite foods, and huddle under our blankets. Because these things help me and make me feel better! And I'm hoping it also helps them.

They've been dealing with a lot of our trauma memories that have been coming up, not anything new but things we're starting to finally process through. They seem scared that I'm gonna get hurt while they're processing. But... for me, those things were just my life. I was just living my life. I don't feel like this processing thing is hurting me any more because I know what I went through.

But I think for the adults, it's something different. Like they're realizing how fucked up the things we went through were. And the fact we were children when it happened. I don't know, they seem to have a different perspective and context and understanding from what I have and I don't know why things are so different between me and the adults of my system. Why do they need to process but for me it just feels like it was... I guess it was just my everyday life? How do they have these different perspectives of our childhood from me?

I don't know, I wish I understood what makes me a little and what makes them grown ups. Why I haven't grown up, even though I'm biologically 20+ years old and even have the memories and experiences to back it up, while the adults, who are missing way more of their memories, are the grown up ones. And why they feel so horrified by our past but I just nod along and say, yep that happened.

I dunno. I think I just wish we weren't so different from each other. I wish we were more integrated so that I can understand them as well as they understand each other.

can't post on the host's blog because i'm nothing like her but i'm not differentiated enough from her to warrant my own blog. ugh.