At some point over the last couple of months I finally gave myself permission to listen to audiobooks. I don't know why I was so stuck on the idea that reading a book was somehow "better" or that listening to an audiobook was somehow "less than", but last month I finished 18 audiobooks. (Shout-out to Libby for the ability to listen to add many audiobooks as my heart desires and to my local library for the epic selection) Some were series, many were stand-alones I stumbled upon to listen to while I waited for the next in a series to become available.

I thought it might be fun to just share the books I finish and what I thought of them. This one was recommended by a friend at game night after Neil Gaiman came up in conversation for his wholesome Tumblr presence and the fact that he reads his own books for audio format. There is just something about an author reading the book they wrote, and about Neil's voice, that makes his books so easy to listen to.

Fortunately, The Milk was an absolute delight. A story for the sake of telling a story. An unhinged adventure. A wandering thought train of random chaos. I loved it. Highly recommend.

Decisions, decisions.

Breeding decisions are hard enough as it is. I don't think a lot of people realize just how much can go into matchmaking a pair that will align with your program goals. To be mindful of health, temperament, structure, and timing. I've never really had to dance with that last one. The timing has always just, worked. With Aura we didn't have any major long-term goals, so timing wasn't an issue. For Mirage, her timing aligned nicely for her first litter, and then her Addison's diagnosis cancelled her second for us. And then there's Poki. My goal was to breed her twice this year, back to back, so that next year we could focus on her agility career while she is still young and in her prime with the goal of making it to an invitational, regional, or national event. My little AuDHD brain had it all planned out.

We attempted her first breeding in February via AI, but it unfortunately didn't take. She really threw us for a curveball and while I knew that there was no guarantee AI would take I didn't see a timeline in which it didn't. This brought on a fair amount of grief that caught me off guard. Grieving puppies that should have been, grieving timelines and plans all so carefully laid out. And all the while I am faced with decisions. Decisions, decisions. The reproductive veterinarian recommends a natural for her next breeding, fine. Makes sense. I am planning to use the stud I was going to use for her second breeding anyway. One of Mirage's sons, Chaos. Their temperaments are a perfect match and their structures compliment each other beautifully. We still need to check their eCOI through Embark and he needs to complete his health testing, but that's all routine.

But then begs the question: what about after that? Do I push our 2025 agility goals back a year for the sake of raising a second litter and re-debut in 2026? Do I dual sire her next litter and only breed her the once? Do we take a year or two off from breeding to focus on agility and then have her second litter after? I don't know what the right answer is here. I really want those Sheltie genetics in my program but do I want them so badly that I'll push back our big goals and dreams another year? Is it selfish of me to not want to, even though I know I should?

I realize in the grand scheme of things and problems we could be having that this seems so trivial, but sometimes this is the stuff that keeps me up at night.

Maybe I was hoping that by releasing it into the universe I would have some major epiphany and the answer would just come to me. Nothing yet.

Had one of those moments at agility practice yesterday where I didn't realize how much speed Poki would have approaching the a-frame and I Had to trust my training. I watched the little muppet launch herself up the a-frame and I was so sure she was going to try air gliding again, but then she floated over the top, and looked down at the contact so she could physics her way through gravity to the spot on the contact where her target would be.

Watching her so deliberately look for the contact at that speed with that much excitement, I got so excited I forgot the rest of the course and what day it was and where we were and just had a snack party with my little air bender.

Naturally, she forgot how to send this week so too much distance was off the table which unfortunately means I need to also figure out how to air bend I think. Air scooter would be real handy.

When it's not her turn and she has big fomo but also doing her best to not lose her brain cell(s) and distract her friend. 🤐🥺

Ethereal creetchurs.

Loading my car for Agility tomorrow and feeling so insanely blessed to have such good dogs I can just as easily take with me or leave home. They don't all compete, but sometimes I just bring them all along because why not they like to hang.

My first dog had awful separation anxiety. My second was human and dog aggressive. They were each projects.

And now I have these fairy deer fox creatures who are just as happy to sleep on the couch all day as they are to come along and hang and I just want everyone to have a dog they can just as easily bring along as they can leave home. This should be the norm.

When you're going away for a weekend but you're extra af.

Tw; parent loss, childhood depression

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Last week Dexter was sick, so we spent a large chunk of Friday in bed watching ocean documentaries.

I had one of those "core memory unlocked" moments where I remembered laying in bed with my dad when I was sick, watching natgeo and the discovery channel. He was Obsessed with nature documentaries/series. Pretty much if he was watching TV, that's what he was watching.

And then I remembered that when I was in first grade I had this book on dolphins that I must have read a million times because I distinctly remember sitting in the reading corner at school with it. I brought it with me from home.

It was in first grade that my dad was hospitalized, and he passed a year later. It's hard being depressed as a kid because you have no idea what's going on. I was only 7. I lost my love for the ocean in a sea of sadness.

Almost 30 years later it hits me like a ton of bricks where so much enthusiasm for aquarium keeping has come from, and why I dove so face first into saltwater. It's a childhood passion that I lost hold of, and I'm really delighted to have it back. I've been sick this week - flu level sick and totally stuck in a bed in a pool of sweat 🫠. Sexy, I know. But it's given me time to dive face first into consuming all of the knowledge I can. I have so many papers bookmarked, documentaries downloaded, and audiobooks in my library.

I'm planning out the aquarium with a fresh lens and rekindled passion and it just feels so good and so exciting, and also sad. I can't help but wonder "what if". What if I hadn't lost it? Would I have studied marine biology? Would my name be on these papers? Would I have moved on at some point? Who knows.

I do know that the current creature I'm researching most is octopods. So if anyone wants to open the Pandora's box of octopus information, ask me about octopods.

In the meantime, I'm ordering more macro for the hermits to snack on and looking at corals to do some shopping this weekend. Then deciding on which bottom dwelling fish I would like to add.

The thing no one really talks about with autism is that there are days, like today, where I am stuck in a state of overwhelmed because if the sensation of starving but I cannot even begin to accept the sensory sensation of food in my mouth because I'm already overwhelmed so I'm sitting here fighting back tears forcing myself to consume what is usually a safe food while actively trying not to gag. 🫠

Dear brain,

Food is the cure for hunger.

Sincerely,

Over your bullshit.

adhd is so embarrassing ur basically like “I have to have fun right the fuck now or I’m throwing myself off the roof” 90% of the time and you also have very little control over this

He's a funny guy he likes to pose with his portrait

Some tank TV.

We decided that, at least for now, we're just going to collect macro algae (basically saltwater plants). I also realized I needed to restock clean up crew and some blue hermies and lil' snails feels like a good place to start, and they shouldn't bother the macro. I ordered some macro online and if it arrives okay I'll order more, for now the newly hired clean up crew has work to do.

You can see some of the snails burying themselves in the video, they didn't waste time once the hermits came around. 🤣 And don't worry, there's plenty of extra shells in there.

We got Waddle an anemone two weeks ago. I returned it today.

I found myself excessively checking on it, and not knowing what normal looks like led me down a lot of rabbit holes. I spent several hours on the verge of tears on Friday because I was just worried it was going to die.

The fish lady I trust at Petco said it looked in perfect health and asked if I was sure. I explained the situation and she promised to find him a good home.

I realized how much healing I still need to do since the trauma of the major loss. I'm a very emotionally sensitive human and I still feel guilty for the loss of Eelie and MadFace. I'm just not ready to venture into new species yet.

So at least for a while, Waddle will get to enjoy his mansion to himself. I do worry that he's lonely and when I'm ready I'll get him a little buddy. For now, I got more rocks and ordered some saltwater plants. Going to focus on the environment for a while before we try adding a fren. 💜

I yuv himb.

Roomba doin rounds.

One of the roadblocks we consistently hit in agility is My brain's endurance. Dexter would tell you I don't have a good "Remembory" like Dory the fish in that Nemo movie. 💀

It is insanely difficult to memorize these courses and execute the correct maneuvers in the right places. Those are muscles that can be flexed, but it's an additional detour to navigate when you have a cognitive disorder. This is just harder for me. I've been at it for 6 years and while I am capable of executing each maneuver in short sequences or longer simple sequences, I think I have partially been avoiding the longer more complicated ones because it's hard to admit our weak points and face our struggles. It feels really good to do something really well, and I've allowed my negative intrusive thoughts to beat me up when we make mistakes on longer sequences. I'm working to change that inner narrative and flex those brain muscles.

With Poki's desire to keep trying, keep going, and run until the sun sets, I've started to challenge, strengthen, flex, and grow my mental capabilities.

Once or twice a week I'll pick a 12-18 obstacle sequence with Several side changes/need for handling cues and keep going until we get it clean. When I make a mistake we stop, reward, play, sniffari, do a dogwalk or other obstacle, and then think about the things we did well. Then we look at where our mistakes was and try again. The more mistakes I make, the slower my dog is. This can sometimes change our plan because a slower dog will change your strategy. I'm not sure if it was me or her, but I had to lose the lap turns after attempt 4. I'll go back through all the video to revaluate.

Today it took us 6 attempts in about 25 minutes. Here is a mashup of some of those attempts and the final run getting through all 12. You can tell we are both EXHAUSTED when we finally make it. 😂🥴